Obnoxious questions

[Laurenj915]

So what do you all reply (or dream about replying) to relatives at Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday when they say...

"When are you getting married already?"
"Don't you want to get married?"
"Tick tock tick tock"
"Are you engaged yet?"
or something to that effect

I'm sure this has been discussed before but it is really annoying and it's hard to be put on the spot in front of everyone, epecially about something that we all feel pretty strongly and emotion about.

I have one relative in particular who has asked about every other year since I was about 18. I used to be bratty and tell him " Not until I get my degree" because he didn't have one and he hurt me and I wanted to hurt him right back.

Now I say things like..

"are you engaged yet?"

"No, I'll let you know when I am. You don't have to keep asking, it only serves to remind me that I am still not engaged each time you ask." And I don't hide the irritation in my voice. It's become a goal of mine to make people stop asking that kind of question.

Also working on "so when are you going to have a baby" for a friend of mine who's having a hard time getting pregnant and can't stand when people ask her that.

 

[LegacyGirl]

My reply is usually "never" and I give them a look like this

I really try to ignore those questions. People are either prying or they are trying to start a conversation. I can''t wait until the holidays are over. I am so sick of hearing "Every kiss begins with Kay" and all that other jewerly store crap its driving me nuts!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/19/2007 8:48:38 PM
Author:Lauren1116
So what do you all reply (or dream about replying) to relatives at Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday when they say...

''When are you getting married already?'' As soon as we find a nice place to elope.
''Don''t you want to get married?'' I''m trying to get over my fear which is based on the relationships I see around me. It''s tough.
''Tick tock tick tock'' - Are you referring to the time bomb that is your marriage?
''Are you engaged yet?'' - (Just look at your ring finger and then stare unwaveringly at the interrogator).
or something to that effect

I''m sure this has been discussed before but it is really annoying and it''s hard to be put on the spot in front of everyone, epecially about something that we all feel pretty strongly and emotion about.

I have one realive in particular who has asked about every other year since I was about 18. I used to be bratty and tell him '' Not until I get my degree'' because he diodn''t have one and he hurt me and I wanted to hurt him right back.

Now I say things like..

''are you engaged yet?''

''No, I''ll let you know when I am. You don''t have to keep asking, it only serves to remind me that I am still not engaged each time you ask.'' And I don''t hide the irritation in my voice. It''s become a goal of mine to make people stop asking that kind of question.

Also working on ''so when are you going to have a baby'' for a friend of mine who''s having a hard time getting pregnant and can''t stand when people ask her that.

Actually, the best would be to handle it with grace and dignity...just smile.

 

[Laurenj915]

Yeah, I know that''s the best way. I''m just try to get a fun thread going. I''m bored.

 

[Laurenj915]

'Tick tock tick tock' - Are you referring to the time bomb that is your marriage

Perfect Reminds me of something Bridget Jones would say

 

[DiamanteBlu]

You could reply by asking them when they plan to lose those extra 20 or 30 pounds.

If they are not overweight you could ask them when they plan to do something about that hair or those wrinkles or those clothes, or those . . .

Well - I''m sure you catch my drift . . . LOL!

 

[MoonWater]

It''s weird. Family NEVER bother us with those questions. It''s our friends that keep bugging us. The same friends that aren''t married themselves. Heck, one friend has been engaged for like, 3 years now. I don''t get it.

 

[ladypirate]

This T-day we''ll be up with K''s family...specifically his Grandmother, who really enjoys enquiring whether we "have any plans for the future". Doesn''t bother me too much, though--I know it''ll be happening eventually.

 

[ladypirate]

Also, just saw this article online...kind of an amusing read.

http://www.startribune.com/389/story/1556414.html

 

[Deelight]

Ohhh Ohhhh *puts hand up* I HATE with a passion these questions granted his family does not do it and my sister has given up asking .

I have also used the degree one and yeah it works but my personal favorites are (since it is usually women and they will only ask me): Umm why don''t you ask him he is standing over there *points*? Of course they don''t.

Or what I said to one girl which proceeded to shut her up and fairly well everyone she told in our circle of friends (I heard later through the gossip vine about how I had YELLED at her when I didn''t).

"Quite frankly I am getting really sick of that question, while I appreciate your concern into our affairs I am fairly sure that when or if we decide to get engaged we know how to tell people so there is no need to ask, thanks". To which she replied with a malicious happy grin: "Ohhh touchy subject?" Which goes to show the mentality of these people that ask constantly. Since that day no one has asked me again

 

[BriBee]

This was REALLY bratty of me, but I have an obnoxious uncle who asks things like that, and he''s had FIVE wives!!!!!!!!! So last year when he asked: "When are you getting married?" I said: "When you stop getting divorced."

I think he got the picture, we''ll see if he brings it up again, although now I''m engaged so all bets are off.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/20/2007 12:20:18 AM
Author: BriBee
This was REALLY bratty of me, but I have an obnoxious uncle who asks things like that, and he''s had FIVE wives!!!!!!!!! So last year when he asked: ''When are you getting married?'' I said: ''When you stop getting divorced.''

I think he got the picture, we''ll see if he brings it up again, although now I''m engaged so all bets are off.

Haha, nice one! Why do people insist on rushing others to get married!?! Oh yeah, we also were asked when we were having a baby. (by the same person who just a week before asked when we were getting married....one thing at a time!!).

 

[Tuesday]

"When you stop asking" is my usual reply. You could always opt for an equally personal and invasive question like, "What''s your credit score?"

Why is it that guys never seem to get the same kind of pressure? I''ve had this conversation with my BF so many times, about how grating it is to have people constantly asking about marriages and houses and babies. He says he never gets any of those questions. No wonder some of us LIW are about ready to blow - we''re the only ones being hounded like this!

 

[Patchee]

When I am asked I say "I am only here for a season or two" - they get the hint. Or I say never.... Never works well and puts the person asking me in an awkward position... HA - How does it feel!

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

SO and I will have been dating 2 years this coming January, and since we are both over 30, it seems like everyone just has an expectation that "it is time". Lately, I''ve been getting lots of pressure from mom and from friends. Just recently, a guy friend of mine at the gym SO and I go to got married (for the second time) and he came up to us and said "So when are you guys getting one of these?" to SO, fidgeting with his new wedding band. It really put us on the spot and was so uncomfortable, so I did what I do best and made a joke about it. It''s not always easy to ignore everyone and just know that you and your FF have your own timelines in mind. I often am tempted to ask equally intrusive questions as some of the earlier posts suggest, but I haven''t found the guts yet. Maybe after enough prodding, I will say something like that

 

[Chels7]

Before I was engaged I use to just pass the blame to the BF, like say something like "oh when he decided to ask" or "why don''t you ask him".

 

[tberube]

hah. I told them I wasn''t going to get engaged until they stopped asking me, and that every time they ask again they''re sabotaging the whole timeline.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 11/20/2007 2:07:34 PM
Author: tberube
hah. I told them I wasn''t going to get engaged until they stopped asking me, and that every time they ask again they''re sabotaging the whole timeline.

tberube, that''s exactly what my boyfriend says to me whenever i ask him that question!

 

[tberube]

Date: 11/20/2007 2:33:31 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 11/20/2007 2:07:34 PM

Author: tberube

hah. I told them I wasn't going to get engaged until they stopped asking me, and that every time they ask again they're sabotaging the whole timeline.

tberube, that's exactly what my boyfriend says to me whenever i ask him that question!

HA! It must be the right answer then. Though it works much better on insistent question-askers.

 

[Munchkin]

Depending on how I felt, I would either simply say "I don''t know" or "He is the one with that information. Go ahead and ask him."

My sister is currently going through this and her standard response is "We''re working on having a baby out of wedlock first." My catholic great aunts back down VERY quickly from that.

 

[Shannon72781]

Ack, hate those

I was recently attacked by my bf''s OBNOXIOUS cousin this weekend. My bf and I agreed last year that we wanted to get engaged in 1.5 years. That way we could save money (him for the ring, me for the wedding and house).

Well, apparantly when they were both drinking a few weeks ago, the topic of engagement came up (she''s been with her bf for 3 months longer than we have).
He told her about our plan, our budget, etc...yikes, SO NOT HER BUSINESS!!!

Well...this weekend she pulls me aside and said how could I set a deadline, give him an ultimatum, make him buy me an expensive ring, etc. Granted she was drinking, but she took it way to far and I felt like she was attacking my character. She does not know the whole story (like I moved back home for him, I''m paying for most of the wedding) and proceeds to provoke me. I was really upset and so was my bf. He severaly regrets slipping up and telling her all that stuff now since this was the reaction we got from her.

Not cool

 

[MoonWater]

Shannon, it seems to be that she''s just jealous of your planning. Her way of rationalizing it is that you forced him into it with time lines and deadlines. Ridic.

 

[Shannon72781]

I know you''re right Moonwater...that''sthe only way I can rationalize her behavior!

However, I felt so bad after she said all these things to me, I must have told my bf a million times that night that he knows I love him and would never break up with him over stupid reasons she was accussing me of (ie ring not being big enough, not being asked sooner, etc).

He assured me he knew that, his cousin was being stupid and he felt no pressure from me as far as marriage and our budget are concerned. I knew this of course, but she just upset me so much!

On another note, I found out he bought my ring yesterday so I know this weekend must not have had any effect on him! Hopefully I won''t be a LIW much longer and will be engaged to the most wonderful guy!!

And no more stupid engagement questions!

 

[misysu2]

Oh man, the obnoxious comments never end!

I had to deal with the same kind of family members, and we both said we wanted to finish school first, which no one understood. Then when we did finally get engaged, what was the comment from one of my best friends?! "''BOUT F''IN TIME!" Those were the first words out of her mouth! I was pretty upset by that. LIke, how dare you judge me for waiting to get engaged so long and trying to be responsible? At least I won''t have to get married in a Hardee''s like you!!

Another very good friend said, "Oh are you pregnant?" WHAT!?

It just irks me that the friends had to start in with the obnoxious comments as well as the family. Ugh.

 

[sandia_rose]

You could do what I learned how to do - too late - which is to answer any and all obnoxious questions with this reply (nothing more and nothing less), followed by a smug smile:

If it were your business to ask, you would know the answer already.

I say "too late" because I got pregnant with my son before I was married. Nevermind that I was over 30, owned my own home, had a great job, etc. People would notice my belly and ask, "So...when are you getting married?" I got this question from friends, members of his family, people at work, etc. At the time, I didn''t know how to answer the question. My son was a complete surprise. Rule #1, ladies: Birth control pills and some antibiotics do not mix...which my doctor conveniently forgot to tell me. At the time, I was focused on my career and education, and I wasn''t sure I wanted to marry his father. We''d only been dating 6 months at that point, and I am unconventional enough in a lot of ways to have entertained the thought of being a single mom a''la Murphy Brown. However, my ex comes from what I learned is a very controlling, appearance-oriented family. He proposed to me solely because of the pressure he was getting from people around him (most notably, his mother). I will agree that the pressure was relentless, very personal and intrusive, because it brainwashed me into agreeing to do something that in retrospect, was a bad, bad idea. And as a result, I had a miserable marriage, a hellish divorce and continue to have problems with a bitter ex. If any of you are even slightly feeling guilty or obliged to answer rude questions, please e-mail me off-board and I can tell you about what my life was like because I did.

It''s rude for people to get involved in your relationship and ask questions that are clearly personal and intrusive. Just because someone is family or a close friend or even your boss doesn''t grant them the right to be that way. Now, if you''re really worried about ticking someone off (like your boss), you can offer the following variation:

It''s my/our personal business and I don''t care to discuss it.

Only a complete, clueless idiot would press you after that (in which case, the politeness of your response is a moot point).

Another thing (which might also be useful for any LIWs who happen to be pregnant) I learned while pregnant is that the concept of personal space seems to evade people. A lot of people, when they see a pregnant belly, just want to reach out and touch it. I didn''t mind people doing this that were my close friends or members of my family. But, people AT WORK (and I had a professional job at the time, which makes it even weirder!) and even strangers in stores saw no issue with reaching out and touching without asking me. They assumed that my pregnant belly was public property. Then, I came up with a strategy that is so blatant that I only had to employ it three times - once in public and twice at work. I had a woman at work who I barely knew reach over and touch my belly without asking. I was making myself a cup of tea and she reached over, didn''t even say "hi" or anything! So I reached back and patted her sharply on the butt. She was taken aback and then realized what she did. I said to her, "If I wasn''t pregnant, you wouldn''t have thought of doing what you did without asking. My belly is not public property and I''d appreciate it if you kept your hands off." The word apparently got around at work because no one else did it again! If someone behaves improperly, why just suck it up?


Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/25/2007 2:09:10 PM
Author: Shannon72781
I know you''re right Moonwater...that''sthe only way I can rationalize her behavior!

However, I felt so bad after she said all these things to me, I must have told my bf a million times that night that he knows I love him and would never break up with him over stupid reasons she was accussing me of (ie ring not being big enough, not being asked sooner, etc).

He assured me he knew that, his cousin was being stupid and he felt no pressure from me as far as marriage and our budget are concerned. I knew this of course, but she just upset me so much!

On another note, I found out he bought my ring yesterday so I know this weekend must not have had any effect on him! Hopefully I won''t be a LIW much longer and will be engaged to the most wonderful guy!!

And no more stupid engagement questions!

Ooh how exciting!! I''ll wait to say congrats just yet. But woo hoo!! And man, his cousin is really going to be pissed now haha. I just can not believe her nerve. It''s good that you and your soon to be are on the same page.

 

[MoonWater]

Bridget, I like you. All of your posts are a hoot. And I swear, I know I would snap if some stranger or co-worker touched my belly. I''m already prepared to go to jail for the battery that will occur.

 

[Picos]

"As soon as he gets out of jail" was my standard reply. Actually only one relative asked me that and that was just so she could instantly add that her daughter was getting married. Joy & rapture, get out of my face. My fiance''s never been in jail but hey, she stopped talking to me. Although I''ve sure I was the blunt of the awsome juicey gossip.

Although now that I''m engaged I have a feeling no one will want to talk to me since there''s a few other relatives who are engaged and love to be in the spotlight. So, hopefully, I''ll stay out of it and be happy to just chill.