Off the list but permission to be a brat about it

[junepatient]

So yeah. He proposed this morning. I was going to go with him to this school function he organized, and he suggested we have lunch at the place (gorgeous) that we are getting married. I said well, why don''t I meet you after lunch to see the keynote speaker. He acted like he was mad then asked me into the living room. He said he was going to propose at the cabin. I said why''d you ruin it then? (It''s 2 minutes away from where we live) he said ''cause I''m going to do it now.

Not that I wanted flowers or dinner of fireworks or anything. But saying I ruined the plan (that I would have loved) and doing it in the living room instead.

Really upset. We had joked before about the answer being yes or try again...

I know I''m being a little bit spoiled about it but I''ve been waiting and planning the wedding a year.

Can''t talk to him or anyone else about it.

Or can I talk to him. How do I get over it not really being what I wanted and get on to being happy about it?

 

[nclrgirl]

Congratulations on your engagement!!

My FI''s proposal was really weird. I know that he thought about it and it seemed romantic to him, and it was romantic in a way, since that is the first place that we said "I love you", but for gosh sakes, I was wearing biking clothes and didn''t know what was going on. (His sailboat is in a marina that has a bike path run through it. We were going on a training ride for a race. He said he needed to get his little toolbox from the boat and asked me to come help. Honestly, I wanted to say "you need HELP to carry a tiny little toolbox!?" but I''m glad that I didn''t!)

I was of course ecstatic about the proposal, but a little bummed at first about how it happened. It''s been 10 months, and I''m over it. It''s a funny story to tell people.

What really matters is that the two of you are going to share your lives!! The proposal is one instance on one day. Enjoy!

 

[Miscka]

Oh junepatient, I am sad reading your post. I really think that sometimes we get SO worked up about these things that they are sort of destined to fall short of our expectations. I would be bummed if I were you too. In fact, I am pretty sure that I will be in a similar situation when the time comes, since I will have been waiting for e ver (sandlot anyone??

) And you don''t want to have those kinds of feelings surrounding this time. Can you guys go have a romantic dinner tonight? At your venue maybe? Have you started calling people? I am sure hearing others be excited will cheer you up. Just think that in JUNE you will be married to your man. I know you are peeved at him now but that is still an amazing thing, and if it helps, I am jealous! You are a lucky lady! Hugs to you, hope you start feeling better.

 

[goodfun7580]

Junepatient, not everything in life can be done perfectly. The proposal is over, and perhaps he could tell how ansty you were about it and it rushed him. I''m not really clear how the proposal got off track from your post, but it did. Making him feel bad about the proposal will take away his confidence for future romantic gestures. He can probably tell from your reaction that you weren''t exactly thrilled. He probably feels bad unless he''s totally clueless because I''m sure your body language didn''t read total excitement. Unfortunately I don''t believe this is a situation that can be re-done without someone feeling bad. Maybe he didn''t realize how important a proposal and an engagement was to you.You''ve been planning the wedding for so long without one, maybe he just viewed it as a formality. Enjoy this time, because this is probably the only proposal you will get. Don''t let your bitterness about the long wait, and the less than perfect engagement ruin this special time in your relationship. Be happy that you have someone who loves you and you love them and you are getting married.

 

[Sha]

I agree with the above, especially in light of your recent post, in which you said:

"the ring is still in the drawer, I am finishing up the invitations, this is all the more pressing because we are getting married in June. Leaving for a 2 week business trip on Sunday and since we got the ring a week ago, I was really expecting something last weekend. My 3 month engagement is turning into 2 and I'm starting to feel that no ridiculously romantic proposal (I doubt one is in the works so getting rather pissed off tha a simple will you marry me is taking so long)..is gonna make up for this. He coulda just said something simple the day we got it...I did say he could give it to me whenever he wanted but we usually understand each other better than this.

I've been good. No peeking for over a week, no talking to him about it/ asking/ even put it out of my mind. But If I have to get on a plane for 2 weeks with a naked finger...... "


Sounds like you were already very impatient to be engaged, and a simple proposal would have been sufficient - especially in light of your upcoming trip. Or were you just saying that? Maybe a more romantic proposal would've made up for the fact that he kept it so long?
That's understandable, but you DID say you wanted for it to happen as soon as possible. So maybe you can at least be happy that it did happen, and you will be engaged in time for your trip after all?

 

[Markie]

I am sorry to hear that the proposal didn''t work out the way you are hoping, but congrats on being engaged! I would say that it is possible that he was feeling a lot of pressure to make the proposal great and finally he just reacted badly to that pressure, which he was probably putting on himself in the first place since what I get from your post is that simple would have been fine it was the sort of angry "you ruined it" thing. I don''t think it would be a terrible idea to talk to him about it, because I bet he feels let down too about how it turned out if he had been planning something better, but maybe if you phrase it as a sort of "sorry about how to proposal turned out but I am still really excited to be engaged and let''s do something romantic to celebrate" you can let your feelings out but not upset him too much.

My proposal was really great but it happened in january and he has not told his parents yet so the ring is still in a drawer and I think I have been pretty vocal about my feelings about that while still trying not to attack him or upset him. You shouldn''t have to keep your mouth shut if you are upset about something as long as you are considerate of his feelings as well.

you are planning the wedding so hopefully you will be able to make memories there that make up for the lackluster proposal. honestly, men sometimes have such issues with how to handle us that we have to cut them a little slack. it does sound like he was trying to make the proposal great for you and maybe psyched himself out a little too much.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think you''re being a brat. On your other thread, I was going to comment that maybe you should just ask yourself to marry you and present yourself the ring to be done with it, but I know that''s a b*tchy thing to say. Plus I FULLY understand wanting to go on a business trip with new sparkly bling on your finger.

Honestly, you wanted a proposal and the damn thing on your finger and you got it. Time to move on. Believe me, I speak from experience. I am not a romantic, so I did all the ring research myself and put the thing together. No big deal. BUT, I did want him to ask me to marry him. That was my ONLY stipulation....just "ask me." TGuy picked up the ring from the appraisers (so at least it could be somewhat of a surprise since I had not seen the finished ring) and I figured at some point he would just ask me. But he came home with the fed ex box and jokingly THREW it at me from across the room and said "Here ya go!"

Now, I KNEW he was joking. He had NO intention of actually letting me have the ring. But my first memory of the finished product (albeit in a box) will always be a fed-ex box being hurled at my head.

I am not a really freaky emotional person. But I did tear up after a few minutes of thinking about it. I don''t expect my guy to be a mindreader, so I did tell him I was being silly and told him honestly the reason why...that I just wanted him to ask me. He totally apologized and said of course it was a joke (well duh, I didn''t think he was serious). Later that night, he did get on one knee and ask me - and that time it was upstairs in my home office while I was in my pajamas. I cried, this time because even after the earlier faux pas, I just got choked up that in the end, this wonderful person wanted to marry me. Being asked was AMAZING...and my earlier conversation with him did not negate that one bit.

Now, will I always have the memory of the fed-ex hurl? Yes. Does it really matter? Nope. In fact, it''s kind of a funny story to tell (I laugh about everything in the end anyway). With all the pomp and circumstance that surround engagements and weddings these days, it''s easy to lose sight of the most important thing...that you are well and truly blessed to have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and that that person feels exactly the same way about you.

Take a deep breath, move on, and enjoy your bling!

 

[bee*]

Woohoo you''re engaged

From reading your last post, it definitely sounds like you wanted to be engaged asap which is what he did. Ok so it wasn''t the exact proposal that you wanted, but come on, you''re engaged to your wonderful man and you''re getting married in a couple of months! That''s the main thing.

 

[sklingem]

Why are proposals so complicated??? Argh. Maybe they should teach a class or something like that

I do agree with previous posters that I would not leave this on a sour note. Talk it out and then do something you both enjoy. No, I did not mean THAT. Or maybe I did. Time for coffee.

 

[surfgirl]

First of all, congrats on your engagement!

Second, sorry, but you aren''t entitled to be a brat about it. As others have already said, you were very agitated that you wanted a proposal STAT, so you got it. Maybe it wasn''t when you expected it or HOW you expected it in your head, but that''s in YOUR head,and you FI has the right to propose in whatever way is most comfortable for him. He''s a part of this too. Are you going to be all bummed out when you see that the exact shade of flowers isn''t as you wanted it at your wedding? You really need to take a step back and see how LUCKY you are. And I disagree with whomever said you should talk about this with your FI. I think it will only serve to make him upset and will put a damper on your engagement. Try to remember how lucky you are and enjoy and appreciate what you have. It would be a shame to look back on this time with remorse because you were feeling sorry for yourself because your proposal wasn''t exactly how you wanted it to be.

ETA:
I think this situation is a very good learning example of why people shouldn''t start planning a wedding before the engagement. It seems like a lot of folks around here are looking at venues, planning rings, choosing dresses, etc. and they''re not yet engaged. It seems like a lot of unnecessary pressure to have before there''s even an engagement. The old "cart before the horse" and all that...

 

[Girlrocks]

style="WIDTH: 97.1%; HEIGHT: 112px">Date: 3/13/2008 1:30:25 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I think you're being a brat. On your other thread, I was going to comment that maybe you should just ask yourself to marry you and present yourself the ring to be done with it, but I know that's a b*tchy thing to say. Plus I FULLY understand wanting to go on a business trip with new sparkly bling on your finger.

Honestly, you wanted a proposal and the damn thing on your finger and you got it. Time to move on.

I agree. I think you are being just a little bit bratty and impossible about this. Sounds like he was in a tough spot and under a lot of pressure. I thought it was odd in your other post that you said the invitations are ready to be mailed...is the entire wedding already planned and booked?

Just move on from here and enjoy your engagement.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/13/2008 1:48:43 PM
Author: surfgirl


ETA:
I think this situation is a very good learning example of why people shouldn''t start planning a wedding before the engagement. It seems like a lot of folks around here are looking at venues, planning rings, choosing dresses, etc. and they''re not yet engaged. It seems like a lot of unnecessary pressure to have before there''s even an engagement. The old ''cart before the horse'' and all that...

I think it depends on expectation, more than anything. We decided to get married in March, but weren''t formally engaged until May. It was obviously in the works, as I was dealing with the ring, and the venue was booked before we were formally engaged. But I guess it was fine for us because the *engagement* was just a formality. We both decided to get married, and I was good to go. I didn''t expect all the pomp to go along with it.

BTW, maybe I am being harsh on you junepatient. You asked for permission to be a brat, and not necessarily opinions on how bratty you are being. You are certainly entitled to be disappointed. Feelings aren''t always rational and you can''t control how you feel. But you CAN control to some degree how you respond. I told my FI how I felt about the fed-ex hurl because it wasn''t the actual proposal (plus I had to explain why I was tearing up). But in your case, the proposal is done, so I agree with SG and the others...at this point it will probably do more harm than good and taint this proposal even further.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 3/13/2008 1:48:43 PM
Author: surfgirl
ETA:

I think this situation is a very good learning example of why people shouldn''t start planning a wedding before the engagement. It seems like a lot of folks around here are looking at venues, planning rings, choosing dresses, etc. and they''re not yet engaged. It seems like a lot of unnecessary pressure to have before there''s even an engagement. The old ''cart before the horse'' and all that...

Hmm..I think it depends on the situation like TGal said. I mean I started planning before it was officially announced we were "officially" engaged. I looked at venues, dresses, etc. Actually..I had the dress before the ring was actually on my finger. And I looked at rings waaay before he asked. Now I didn''t start looking until we bought a ring, but I did buy wedding books and bridal magazines galore. So I think if you can handle it without going crazy and driving him crazy, have fun.

 

[KCCutie]

I''m a little confused, is "the cabin" where you are getting married and where he wanted to take you for lunch? I think he just had a plan in his mind and when things didn''t go off without a hitch he (b/c he suggested what his plan was and you suggested something different) did what most guys do and said "oh forget it lets just do it now!" Sounds like he''s been under a little stress lately planing events at school and such, I think he just cracked and wanted to complete the proposal...you know how some guys just love getting things DONE.

I can''t say I blame you for being a little disappointed, but as many have pointed out, all told you got exactly what you have been asking for and with men you kinda have to be careful what you wish for.

Go out tonight or when you can before your trip and do something you both enjoy to celebrate and have a special moment. Maybe if you do that take a few moments to tell him exactly why you''re so happy to be engaged to him and hopefully he''ll reciprocate and you''ll feel better knowing how much he loves you and wants to be your husband.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I was a little confused about how the cabin fits in with the lunch thing, too, are you getting married at the cabin? Or were you going to lunch at the place of your wedding, then going to the cabin? Oh well, the point is that you are engaged and that is fantastic!!!

I don't think you should feel bad about how you feel, but I do think you need a little time to take a step back and realize that you are engaged to a wonderful man--and to be honest, he did PLAN a nice proposal, but like all things in life it didn't work out exactly as planned.

And I just have to add, and please don't take this as being snarky at all, but you know he had the ring, you also knew you were leaving for a business trip and I'm sure HE knew you wanted to be engaged before the trip, which only leaves 3 days to propose, so I can only assume your proposal radar was in overdrive. Add to this the fact that he wanted to take you to lunch at the gorgeous place where you are going to be married in a few short months?? And no bells rang in your head??

In fact, you turned him down cold! I'd think bells in a LIW's head would ringing like mad!

ETA: If I were you, I would take him to lunch at the ceremony sight before you leave for your business trip, just to celebrate. Congrats on the engagement!!

 

[junepatient]

Thanks so much everyone for the congrats. I have really appriciated this forum and having virtual friends one reason being because it is a safe place for real feelings before I might say the wrong thing to those around me without an alias.

I talked with him and it was helpful to understand his perspective. He just couldn''t wait to ask and the most important thing to him was that he was able to tell me what he did privately. So cool.

This whole thing is a good lesson in letting go of control though. We have had plenty of romantic moments most memorably for me, the day we set the date for the wedding. It''s good to remember to relax about one specific second when the life together is so good.

Thanks also for the advice about celebrating the engagement we''re gonna do so all weekend till I go (he has a history of this anyway, we get birthday weeks not just days which came in quite handy on my 30th aka the day my passport was stolen in Mexico...).

We are going out to dinner tomorrow night!!

Thanks again..Happy now

 

[juliejewels]

nclgirl,

Lol... I could totally see my SO doing something like this. We are cyclists and runners. He will probably whip it out of his bike jersey pocket and give it to me with a powerbar. Whatever...that would totally catch me off guard. Cycling is how we met, so it would be totally appropropriate. I would actually love to have all our friends around when it happens. My SO is not good at the romantic stuff. I completely expect him to catch me whenI least expect it.

My first and failed engagement was sweet...we went to the beach all day and then walked around the lighthouse and climbed to the top. old BF then got on one knee and asked me. My first comment was, OMG- you had that in the pocket of your bathingsuit all day? He replied, "well, yeah. The pocket had a snap!" Big dummy , it could have floated away into the deep blue yonder. I kinda wish it had!


Anyhow, JUNEPATIENT, just be happy. You are finally engaged, It i s exciting even if it was not perfect. Somethings are beyoned our control. Breathe and enjoy this time in your life. Congrats.

I cannot wait for mine.
-Julie

 

[LaraOnline]

aaaw, don''t be upset. Everyone''s proposal is different. When I read pricescope, I am often struck with how huge ''the build-up'' can be.

For some reason (my living under a rock, I guess) I had never heard of buying a ring that sits in the drawer until the amaaaaaazing ''surprise'' proposal takes place. Not saying that''s a bad way to do things, but it''s new to me. There seems to be soooo much emphasis on the huge, astonishing, funny, clever, outrageous, witty proposal that blows the bride''s mind.

I mean....isn''t a proposal really about deciding to get married? Lots of couples probably don''t ever go through the whole formal proposal thing. My man didn''t even ask the question, really. He said (this is how I remember it right now anyway): "Well I spose we better get married then". At first I thought he was joking, it was that casual. Did I actually ask ''Are you joking???!!" I can''t remember anymore.

Then I spent four months shopping (entirely on my own) for an engagement ring that was cheap enough for him, and nice enough for me.

I bet heaps and heaps of people on this board have had pretty laid back engagement processes.

Maybe don''t sweat the small stuff. It''s wonderful to find someone to plan a life with!

 

[LaraOnline]

T-Girl''s story is pretty funny. box thrown at you, indeed!

 

[Stephanie]

Congratulations on the engagement!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Congrats!!!!

When do we get to see some handshots?!?!?!?

 

[Delster]

junepatient I really respect how well you took the comments on this thread, and it''s great that you got through the initial disappointment together and are enjoying this special time together now!

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!!!

Can we see handshots? Pleeeease?

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/13/2008 9:18:50 PM
Author: juliejewels
My first comment was, OMG- you had that in the pocket of your bathingsuit all day? He replied, ''well, yeah. The pocket had a snap!'' Big dummy , it could have floated away into the deep blue yonder. I kinda wish it had!

I kinda wish it had!

Okay that was a snort coffee up my nose moment for me

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 3/14/2008 11:10:47 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 3/13/2008 9:18:50 PM
Author: juliejewels
My first comment was, OMG- you had that in the pocket of your bathingsuit all day? He replied, ''well, yeah. The pocket had a snap!'' Big dummy , it could have floated away into the deep blue yonder. I kinda wish it had!

I kinda wish it had!

Okay that was a snort coffee up my nose moment for me

Yes that cracked me up!!

 

[tberube]

June - first of all, congratulations! You''re engaged! Secondly, the only advice I can give you is to just get over it. Your proposal wasn''t perfect, your wedding won''t be perfect, you are not perfect, life is not perfect. When my FI asked me how I''d like him to propose to me, I told him I didn''t care - that''s his thing, and he could do it in the bathroom for all I cared. All I wanted was to be engaged to him, and I meant that. He proposed to me at 10:30 at night, after a really long day at work, while I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror, trying on dresses to wear to a funeral that I had to go to on my birthday. He had to move the proposal to before my birthday instead of on it because of this funeral, and the first time I told my family that I was engaged was...you guessed it, at a funeral. On my birthday. He didn''t go down on bended knee, didn''t write me a sonnet or light candles. He didn''t even give me a speech, he just asked me to marry him.

Guess what? I didn''t give a damn! I was engaged to the man I love. So be grateful that someone loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you, and that he gave you a beautiful gift to symbolize it. Now go work on planning your wedding and quit worrying about everything not being perfect.

 

[choro72]

Date: 3/14/2008 1:25:55 PM
Author: tberube
June - first of all, congratulations! You''re engaged! Secondly, the only advice I can give you is to just get over it. Your proposal wasn''t perfect, your wedding won''t be perfect, you are not perfect, life is not perfect. When my FI asked me how I''d like him to propose to me, I told him I didn''t care - that''s his thing, and he could do it in the bathroom for all I cared. All I wanted was to be engaged to him, and I meant that. He proposed to me at 10:30 at night, after a really long day at work, while I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror, trying on dresses to wear to a funeral that I had to go to on my birthday. He had to move the proposal to before my birthday instead of on it because of this funeral, and the first time I told my family that I was engaged was...you guessed it, at a funeral. On my birthday. He didn''t go down on bended knee, didn''t write me a sonnet or light candles. He didn''t even give me a speech, he just asked me to marry him.

Guess what? I didn''t give a damn! I was engaged to the man I love. So be grateful that someone loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you, and that he gave you a beautiful gift to symbolize it. Now go work on planning your wedding and quit worrying about everything not being perfect.

Wow, I wouldn''t know what to think...I would feel guilty being utterly happy on a day like that, but it''s so sweet at the same time.
If my bf wrote sonnets, I don''t think I can hold myself from giggling! To me, some things work on movies but not for my man.

 

[designchica]

Congrats!

Don''t worry about the proposal. This far into the engagement, he may have felt silly making a big deal about it. I''m expecting a proposal any day now and I suspect I will be in the same boat as you given that we''ve already started planning the wedding. A part of me is bummed out but honestly, its my own fault for having been too impatient to wait until I had the ring. You can''t have your cake and eat it too.

 

[junepatient]

Here's the hand shot...Going to do a plain platinum band for the wedding ring.. I love it...I'll never have to take it off for anything!!! But it was weird waking up this morning with a ring

I guess I'll get used to it..

Edited to add: you can see how sprarkly my colorless diamonds are in the ring day post.!!

 

[bee*]

It''s beautiful! Congrats again!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Ooooh!! It''s really nice!