Off Topic - Dealing with a friends bad relationship

[Lauren8211]

So my best friend of.. wow... I think 15 years now... is in one of the most ridiculous relationships I''ve ever heard of.

She''s been dating a guy for 2 years now who lives with his OTHER girlfriend. Both girls know about each other, and neither will break up with him. Can you believe that? She''s never actually been to his house, his parents know nothing of her, and she is still trying to get him to MARRY HER!

He treats her terribly, and I''ve become so sick of listening to her whine about it that we actually have a No talking about him rule.

She says she''s sick of waiting for prince charming and just wants to settle for the "frog".

Anyone else have a friend who''s "boyfriend"is so bad that you can''t even stand to listen to it anymore? Suggestions on how to handle???

Thanks!

 

[sunnyd]

Oh my god! That IS crazy!

I bet the guy feels pretty good about himself...

Gross.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/30/2008 4:08:01 PM
Author:Lauren8211
She says she's sick of waiting for prince charming and just wants to settle for the 'frog'.

So she knows this guy isn't that great and she still wants him to marry her? What on earth makes her think she stands a chance of convincing him to marry her if he won't even DATE only her?! Is she ok with polygamy? With knowing there's a good chance of him cheating on her?

In short, this is a very self-destructive attitude. It sounds like she has no self-esteem. I'd suggest some form of professional counselling. Therapy. Something which might give her some feelings of self-worth again.

 

[Lauren8211]

Does that mean I have to start a new thread on advice for how to tactfully tell a friend she needs therapy??

 

[HisLadyLove]

I definately can relate!!! My bestfriend (at least before him

) is in a relationship with a guy 7 years older than her (she''s 22). Anyway, when I first met him he seemed like a good guy, until a couple of months later he starting showing his true side. He was always being "a whiny baby" when we would all go out, starting getting controlling, and was treating her like she''s his daughter... Everyone saw it but her, and we even went 4 months without talking... When we did start talking again she was telling me how she was sooo sick of his s!@# and she was going to break up with him! WELL.... that was 5 MONTHS AGO AND SHE''S STILL WITH HIM?!?

She thinks somehow he''s going to change, but in my opinion, you can''t teach an old dog new tricks, you know??? Oh and did I mention he was newly separated when they first met??? And all those reasons were exactly why his now ex-wife left him! My friend and I aren''t as close as we used to be, but at least we talk! I JUST HATE HIM THOUGH!!!

LOL

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/30/2008 4:30:32 PM
Author: HisLadyLove




I definately can relate!!! My bestfriend (at least before him

) is in a relationship with a guy 7 years older than her (she''s 22). Anyway, when I first met him he seemed like a good guy, until a couple of months later he starting showing his true side. He was always being ''a whiny baby'' when we would all go out, starting getting controlling, and was treating her like she''s his daughter... Everyone saw it but her, and we even went 4 months without talking... When we did start talking again she was telling me how she was sooo sick of his s!@# and she was going to break up with him! WELL.... that was 5 MONTHS AGO AND SHE''S STILL WITH HIM?!?

She thinks somehow he''s going to change, but in my opinion, you can''t teach an old dog new tricks, you know??? Oh and did I mention he was newly separated when they first met??? And all those reasons were exactly why his now ex-wife left him! My friend and I aren''t as close as we used to be, but at least we talk! I JUST HATE HIM THOUGH!!!

LOL

Ugh!! lol. I know how you feel! We were roommates when they started dating, and actually stopped being friends and moved apart (I moved in with my BF after that). We started talking again recently - and it was all the same story. He does something terrible, gives a lame apology and then she''s right back with him!!

He went on a vacation to Hawaii with the OTHER girlfriend last year and she JUST found out -- how is that forgivable?!?

I am relieved to see you feel the same way -- she and I are not as close anymore either, and I wasn''t sure if I was being selfish or not. But how can you really stay close with someone when you''re always feeling sorry for them? It''s really, really sad. I''d hate to lose a friend over this.

 

[mimzy]

the phrase "nothing gets you over the last one like the next one" comes to mind.


tell her as many miracle relationships stories as you can, introduce her to new guys, and reaffirm her self worth every chance you get. and point out that she''s sabatoging any chance she has at prince charming because she''s keeping this frog around.


ick!

 

[HisLadyLove]

Date: 4/30/2008 4:40:25 PM
Author: Lauren8211

Ugh!! lol. I know how you feel! We were roommates when they started dating, and actually stopped being friends and moved apart (I moved in with my BF after that). We started talking again recently - and it was all the same story. He does something terrible, gives a lame apology and then she''s right back with him!!

OMG... It was exactly the same here! We actually lived together and when I told her it wasn''t healthy, she decided to move out (she was actually going to move in with him, but everyone told her it wouldn''t be a very good thing to do and she moved back with her mom) and that was when we stopped talking! But when things started going bad in the relationship, I was the first one she called!

You definately aren''t alone! And its not you being selfish, trust me! I was feeling the same way at first, but then I realized she has her problems with him and if she wants to stay that''s on her. I don''t need to feel guilty b/c I''ve already told her how I felt and have already given my opinion and that it won''t change!

 

[Blair138]

I''ve been the friend in the bad relationship (back when I was in high school, so I had a reason to be naive), and I wouldn''t listen to people who told me my BF at the time was a liar and a cheater. I didn''t realize it until AFTER we broke up and I let him choose between me and the ex, and he didn''t choose me. I was stupid, yes, but didn''t believe it until I saw it for myself. Unless she first-hand experiences his ridiculousness, she probably won''t listen to you, And if she still doesn''t care then there''s no helping her. I would just say what you are doing is fine, tell her you love her as a friend, but do not care for him and would appreciate it if she does not talk about him around you.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/30/2008 5:38:48 PM
Author: Blair138
I''ve been the friend in the bad relationship (back when I was in high school, so I had a reason to be naive), and I wouldn''t listen to people who told me my BF at the time was a liar and a cheater. I didn''t realize it until AFTER we broke up and I let him choose between me and the ex, and he didn''t choose me. I was stupid, yes, but didn''t believe it until I saw it for myself. Unless she first-hand experiences his ridiculousness, she probably won''t listen to you, And if she still doesn''t care then there''s no helping her. I would just say what you are doing is fine, tell her you love her as a friend, but do not care for him and would appreciate it if she does not talk about him around you.

Out of curiosity, how much more firsthand does it have to be for this girl? She''s knowingly dating a guy who lives with his other girlfriend.

 

[Aloros]

I have a friend - really great guy. BUT, very non-confrontational. Dated a total nut-case who is eight years older than him. She damaged his property, threw things at him, screamed at him, went through his room looking for evidence of cheating, went through his phone and messaged his friends pretending to be him, AND during a fight she BIT him. He repeatedly tried to break up with her but it just didn''t stick.

Finally did. She came to his door three days later, telling him she was pregnant. And given the cirumstances, pretty clear it was accidentally-on-purpose.

Lauren8211 - I can imagine how frustrating that must be! How could someone possibly want to be with someone who is juggling someone else? If he lives with the other gf, does he spend nights at your friend''s place? Does the other gf know when he is spending time with your friend? Yikes! The whole situation squicks me.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/30/2008 4:40:25 PM
Author: Lauren8211
Ugh!! lol. I know how you feel! We were roommates when they started dating, and actually stopped being friends and moved apart (I moved in with my BF after that). We started talking again recently - and it was all the same story. He does something terrible, gives a lame apology and then she's right back with him!!

He went on a vacation to Hawaii with the OTHER girlfriend last year and she JUST found out -- how is that forgivable?!?

I am relieved to see you feel the same way -- she and I are not as close anymore either, and I wasn't sure if I was being selfish or not. But how can you really stay close with someone when you're always feeling sorry for them? It's really, really sad. I'd hate to lose a friend over this.

My old best friend was like this. She was dating a guy who told her he didn't love her, didn't want to be with her and she still managed to hold on and convince him to stay. I got so so sick of hearing her complaints about him that I told her I didn't want to talk to her ABOUT him anymore. She threw a fit and stopped being my friend, and told me not to call her anymore. I should also mention that she was convinced that this was the guy she wanted to marry-she thought it would be so romantic to meet your spouse in high school and grow up together...

A couple of months later, they broke up and she reached out to me again, and I let her back in. We're no longer friends, but she's with a guy that I hope treats her well, and they've been together for over a year now...

ETA: Yikes Aloros!!! What happened? Did she have the baby? Was she lying?

 

[Blair138]

Date: 4/30/2008 5:41:29 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 4/30/2008 5:38:48 PM

Author: Blair138

I''ve been the friend in the bad relationship (back when I was in high school, so I had a reason to be naive), and I wouldn''t listen to people who told me my BF at the time was a liar and a cheater. I didn''t realize it until AFTER we broke up and I let him choose between me and the ex, and he didn''t choose me. I was stupid, yes, but didn''t believe it until I saw it for myself. Unless she first-hand experiences his ridiculousness, she probably won''t listen to you, And if she still doesn''t care then there''s no helping her. I would just say what you are doing is fine, tell her you love her as a friend, but do not care for him and would appreciate it if she does not talk about him around you.

Out of curiosity, how much more firsthand does it have to be for this girl? She''s knowingly dating a guy who lives with his other girlfriend.

Then there''s no helping her, she obviously has self-esteem issues, but as a friend there''s probably no reasoning with her

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I would suggest talking to her about your concerns. Tell her she is one of your best friends and you care for her tremendously. You want nothing for the best for her but you are afraid she is selling herself short by being with this jerk and she deserves much better...


Suffice to say if she remains with him then there is nothing you can really do... Sometimes we just have to sit there and wait and watch our good friends make really dumb mistakes.. Afterall, it is her life not yours.... That is what a true friends do - support their friends without judgement even when you think they are being a complete idiot... and support them no matter how annoyed you get with the same S*hT over and over again....

 

[Hera]

It sounds like she has some issues that there''s nothing that you can do anything about. You''ve said your peace so be a supportive friend and definitely suggest therapy but she obviously getting something out of it. Let it play out and hope she takes your encouragement to get therapy.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Oh, can I ever relate to this one!

I also have the ''no talking'' rule with BFF... because BFF has been involved with a MARRIED MAN for about a year now. I love her dearly, but I''ve lost a lot of respect for her over it. I''m actually quite liberal overall, but it''s something that I am strongly aginst on a moral level. We''ve been friends for 12 years and she is (believe it or not) a truly good, kind-hearted person in every other way -- if it weren''t for those factors, I doubt I could remain being her friend at all. They broke up awhile ago but they''ve been talking again recently (her therapist actually booted her out of therapy altogether til they stop talking again... her therapist likened it to an addiction because they are basically codependent). It''s actually lead to arguments between us because I simply cannot sympathize with some of the things she says regarding the situation.

In my experience, there is very little you can do or say. Most of it will go unheard and the things that do get through will just make her upset. I''m not defending them, but you have to realize that they''re in a very unhappy situation. In cases like this, the truth HURTS. The only way to remain sane in a situation like theirs is to attempt to remain deeply in denial as to the actual reality of the situation. You have to believe he''ll change, he''ll leave/get rid of the other girl, he doesn''t have sex with the other girl/wife (yeah, right!), it''s the circumstances stopping him and it''s not really his fault... etc.

So that''s my cynical take on it. It used to upset me more because I know she deserves better than that. But aside from being morally opposed to it, I''ve pretty much run out of sympathy. I tried and tried and tried for a long time to be there for her but it only created conflict between us when I tried to make her see my perspective. She knows full well what she is doing, unfortunately, and she simply doesn''t care enough. I still love her, but she has to be the one to help herself and end the situation she''s in. (I hope that doesn''t sound cold, the guy isn''t abusive or anything-- he''s just a slimy, wimpy, lying jerk).

 

[Aloros]

Date: 4/30/2008 5:47:54 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/30/2008 4:40:25 PM

Author: Lauren8211

Ugh!! lol. I know how you feel! We were roommates when they started dating, and actually stopped being friends and moved apart (I moved in with my BF after that). We started talking again recently - and it was all the same story. He does something terrible, gives a lame apology and then she''s right back with him!!


He went on a vacation to Hawaii with the OTHER girlfriend last year and she JUST found out -- how is that forgivable?!?


I am relieved to see you feel the same way -- she and I are not as close anymore either, and I wasn''t sure if I was being selfish or not. But how can you really stay close with someone when you''re always feeling sorry for them? It''s really, really sad. I''d hate to lose a friend over this.

My old best friend was like this. She was dating a guy who told her he didn''t love her, didn''t want to be with her and she still managed to hold on and convince him to stay. I got so so sick of hearing her complaints about him that I told her I didn''t want to talk to her ABOUT him anymore. She threw a fit and stopped being my friend, and told me not to call her anymore. I should also mention that she was convinced that this was the guy she wanted to marry-she thought it would be so romantic to meet your spouse in high school and grow up together...


A couple of months later, they broke up and she reached out to me again, and I let her back in. We''re no longer friends, but she''s with a guy that I hope treats her well, and they''ve been together for over a year now...


ETA: Yikes Aloros!!! What happened? Did she have the baby? Was she lying?

Oh, she''s having the baby all right. She''s...um...5 or 6 months at this point I think? It sucks for him - he''s excited about being a dad, but she withholds information from him as a means of control and tells him she''s going to move away with the baby and take him for all he''s got. Just generally making him miserable.

It''s a sucky situation. But he''s got a lot of very good friends and we''re going to do what we can to help him out (though he got himself into this mess in the first place!). And he''s started documenting her behavior and attacks, so that helps.

First step, paternity test, because she IS that crazy...

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/30/2008 9:24:25 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
Oh, can I ever relate to this one!

I also have the ''no talking'' rule with BFF... because BFF has been involved with a MARRIED MAN for about a year now. I love her dearly, but I''ve lost a lot of respect for her over it. I''m actually quite liberal overall, but it''s something that I am strongly aginst on a moral level. We''ve been friends for 12 years and she is (believe it or not) a truly good, kind-hearted person in every other way -- if it weren''t for those factors, I doubt I could remain being her friend at all. They broke up awhile ago but they''ve been talking again recently (her therapist actually booted her out of therapy altogether til they stop talking again... her therapist likened it to an addiction because they are basically codependent). It''s actually lead to arguments between us because I simply cannot sympathize with some of the things she says regarding the situation.

In my experience, there is very little you can do or say. Most of it will go unheard and the things that do get through will just make her upset. I''m not defending them, but you have to realize that they''re in a very unhappy situation. In cases like this, the truth HURTS. The only way to remain sane in a situation like theirs is to attempt to remain deeply in denial as to the actual reality of the situation. You have to believe he''ll change, he''ll leave/get rid of the other girl, he doesn''t have sex with the other girl/wife (yeah, right!), it''s the circumstances stopping him and it''s not really his fault... etc.

So that''s my cynical take on it. It used to upset me more because I know she deserves better than that. But aside from being morally opposed to it, I''ve pretty much run out of sympathy. I tried and tried and tried for a long time to be there for her but it only created conflict between us when I tried to make her see my perspective. She knows full well what she is doing, unfortunately, and she simply doesn''t care enough. I still love her, but she has to be the one to help herself and end the situation she''s in. (I hope that doesn''t sound cold, the guy isn''t abusive or anything-- he''s just a slimy, wimpy, lying jerk).

Wow -- your situation is strikingly similar to mine! My bff lives with her parents now, so they don''t ever spend the night together, unless they get a hotel which is pretty rare. And the denial thing is so evident!! It''s actually kind of scary how much in denial she is.

I even asked her whether or not she thought he was having sex with the other girl, and she said no! Can you believe that? But she also keeps telling me that the other girl is begging this guy to get her pregnant, because she wants to settle and get married. How does one get pregnant without sex?? Denial!!

I''ve definitely given her my two cents -- I''m the friend you go to when you want the real truth. Unfortunately, she viewed me as judging her (I was just judging him! lol), and it lead to us not talking for a while. So fast forward a year and a half, they''re still together, he''s still living with the other girl, and she''s still putting up with it. All of our mutual friends can''t even take it seriously -- it''s a joke. I just wonder how long she can really put up with this! Ugh! Women!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/1/2008 12:02:36 AM
Author: Aloros

Date: 4/30/2008 5:47:54 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/30/2008 4:40:25 PM

Author: Lauren8211

Ugh!! lol. I know how you feel! We were roommates when they started dating, and actually stopped being friends and moved apart (I moved in with my BF after that). We started talking again recently - and it was all the same story. He does something terrible, gives a lame apology and then she''s right back with him!!


He went on a vacation to Hawaii with the OTHER girlfriend last year and she JUST found out -- how is that forgivable?!?


I am relieved to see you feel the same way -- she and I are not as close anymore either, and I wasn''t sure if I was being selfish or not. But how can you really stay close with someone when you''re always feeling sorry for them? It''s really, really sad. I''d hate to lose a friend over this.

My old best friend was like this. She was dating a guy who told her he didn''t love her, didn''t want to be with her and she still managed to hold on and convince him to stay. I got so so sick of hearing her complaints about him that I told her I didn''t want to talk to her ABOUT him anymore. She threw a fit and stopped being my friend, and told me not to call her anymore. I should also mention that she was convinced that this was the guy she wanted to marry-she thought it would be so romantic to meet your spouse in high school and grow up together...


A couple of months later, they broke up and she reached out to me again, and I let her back in. We''re no longer friends, but she''s with a guy that I hope treats her well, and they''ve been together for over a year now...


ETA: Yikes Aloros!!! What happened? Did she have the baby? Was she lying?

Oh, she''s having the baby all right. She''s...um...5 or 6 months at this point I think? It sucks for him - he''s excited about being a dad, but she withholds information from him as a means of control and tells him she''s going to move away with the baby and take him for all he''s got. Just generally making him miserable.

It''s a sucky situation. But he''s got a lot of very good friends and we''re going to do what we can to help him out (though he got himself into this mess in the first place!). And he''s started documenting her behavior and attacks, so that helps.

First step, paternity test, because she IS that crazy...

I was totally going to jump on that topic -- get the paternity test! Or go on Maury!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/1/2008 8:48:37 AM
Author: Lauren8211
Wow -- your situation is strikingly similar to mine! My bff lives with her parents now, so they don''t ever spend the night together, unless they get a hotel which is pretty rare. And the denial thing is so evident!! It''s actually kind of scary how much in denial she is.


I even asked her whether or not she thought he was having sex with the other girl, and she said no! Can you believe that? But she also keeps telling me that the other girl is begging this guy to get her pregnant, because she wants to settle and get married. How does one get pregnant without sex?? Denial!!


I''ve definitely given her my two cents -- I''m the friend you go to when you want the real truth. Unfortunately, she viewed me as judging her (I was just judging him! lol), and it lead to us not talking for a while. So fast forward a year and a half, they''re still together, he''s still living with the other girl, and she''s still putting up with it. All of our mutual friends can''t even take it seriously -- it''s a joke. I just wonder how long she can really put up with this! Ugh! Women!

Why did she say she only wants the frog instead of the prince? Is she in a rush to get married to have kids? Does she think she isn''t worth the right guy and just wants the most convenient thing? Is this a patterned behaviour of hers or is this the first time she''s sort of self-destructed relationship-wise?

People like her intrigue me. People don''t do things without reason--there''s some underlying cause behind this, and if she (maybe with your help) can figure out what it is, maybe she can move past it. Only if she''s ready and wants to, of course. I think it''s kind of like depression, where people can give their heart and soul to help you, but until you''re ready to take that first step, there''s very little they can do to help.

 

[KimberlyH]

A good friend of mine has been in a very strange and unhappy relationship for 8 years; they''ve been married for three and have a 1 year old child. She knew how I felt about the way he treats her and their marriage without my saying a word, because she already feels the same way herself. There have been times when she has asked for my advice, and when she does so I always frame it in the context of wanting what is best for her (e.g. "If I were in your shoes I would not be able to accept X about him. But only you know what is acceptable for you and you choose to be with him so you are going to have to learn how to deal with this aspect of your relationship, or leave him, as it is a part of who he is and you knew that when you married him and when you had a child with him."). I don''t call him names, or berate him, because she does love him and I don''t want their to be a rift between us because she has chosen a relationship that I don''t think is healthy, it''s not my relationship and my life to live. Quite frankly, except in cases of abuse, I believe you deserve what you expect out of people -- a hypothetical, I expect him to go out all of the time and leave me at home to care for our child (this is not the case for my friend, her marital issues run much deeper) -- and if she chooses to stay with him she must have her reasons and it''s not my place to tell her any different. My friend sees a physchiatrist, she knows whats wrong, and my guess is your friend does too, but she continues to remain with him because she wants to. They have to lead their lives, and if it''s not something you can handle being around than you may opt to terminate the friendship, or establish a "No talking about [boyfriend]" rule, if she''s willing to do so. But there''s really nothing you can do to change the path she''s chosen. It''s just as silly a notion as her expecting this man, who lives with one girl and dates another, to change and commit.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/1/2008 9:03:13 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Why did she say she only wants the frog instead of the prince? Is she in a rush to get married to have kids? Does she think she isn''t worth the right guy and just wants the most convenient thing? Is this a patterned behaviour of hers or is this the first time she''s sort of self-destructed relationship-wise?

People like her intrigue me. People don''t do things without reason--there''s some underlying cause behind this, and if she (maybe with your help) can figure out what it is, maybe she can move past it. Only if she''s ready and wants to, of course. I think it''s kind of like depression, where people can give their heart and soul to help you, but until you''re ready to take that first step, there''s very little they can do to help.

People like her intrigue me too! It''s my damn INFJ personality!!

Background with her -- she dated a really good guy for 4 years, and at 22 she was pressuring the hell out of him to get married ASAP. He said he would after she finished school. Well she finished school, and he even had asked me to go ring shopping with him. He was planning on proposing over Christmas. During this time, she started a new job, and met a charming, older, British man (damn, those accents!). She was cheating on the boyfriend in my book (Nothing physical, but constant calling, texting, and she was lying to her boyfriend), and i told her she needed to make a decision. I asked her if she thought that maybe these feelings were a sign she wasnt ready to get married. She decided that was the case, dumped the long time bf, and moved on with this guy. Long story short, this guy charmed the hell out of her, and the destroyed her. He manipulated her so badly that she didnt know which way was up. She pined away for him forever, and would NOT get over him... that is, of course, until she met the guy she''s with now. (Definite pattern of an inability to be single -- jumps from one relationship to another)

The first time I met the guy she''s with now, I said "Well he''s cute, but you could never trust him" and she said "Yeah, I know, I never could".... and then went full speed ahead. Fast forward two years, and she''s still with the guy she didnt trust from day one.

I honestly think she''s in competition with... something, someone. I don''t know. She has to look good "on paper" as I like to say. It doesnt matter if she''s truly happy, as long as she can appear happy. He boyfriend makes money and is good looking (even though he''s a jerk), she has a college degree (even though its not in what she wanted, and doesnt like her job). She even makes up things to put on her facebook so people think she''s more interesting than she actually is. (Not to say she''s not interesting, but her interests are seriously exaggerated)

She''s not in therapy, and should be. But again, I think she views therapy as "failing" and she wouldnt appear to have her life together.

She hasnt yet wanted to move past this, even though I''ve said all these things to her before. I guess I just have to wait it out until she''s ready... if ever!

 

[Lexie]

I can soooo relate to this that it's not even funny, although in this particular situation, it's my sister who is in a huge mess, and not a friend

So, my twin sister, who is a very unusual girl, in so far as the way she dresses (kind of gothish), her super high intelligence, and her crazy awesome sense of humor, has been dating this manipulative psychopath/a-hole on-and-off for the past year and a half or so. They started dating not long after he had gotten married to his best friend, whom he has absolutely no romantic feelings for. In fact, his wife has been dating his best friend. I still don't understand why they would get married if they have a completely platonic relationship, but whatever.

Apparently, this guy is super charming, smart, has a commanding presence, is humorous, and is the most amazing guy my sister has ever met. At first, things between them were great.. but slowly, their relationship started disintegrating. I would constantly get calls with her crying because of him getting mad over the smallest things, and she'd feel guilty and blame herself even when they were not under her control. He also got quite jealous of other guys. They started fighting quite a bit, and it got the point where in one fight, after he had finished punching walls and a staircase rail, he threw my sister's belongings outside and kicked her out in the middle of the night (she lives an hour and a half away from him). Then he said that he didn't want anything to do with her, and for her not to contact him ever again.

After that first initial time, she couldn't get over him. She was already a little miserable because of some issues she's having with grad school, but this led her to get even more depressed. She was already in therapy, but now things had gotten to the point where she needed anti-depressants. Eventually, they did get back together again, and the whole process started over.. but this time around it turned out that he was more serious about her, yet he told her that he was young, didn't want to be tied down, and that there was a possibility that he might want to date other women, but that at the end of the day, he'd go back to her. That didn't make her too happy, but it didn't turn out to be a deal breaker

They got a lot closer this time around, and she even met a lot of his family; however, she also started having an identity crisis because of his constant nit-picking and him making her feel like she wasn't good enough.

About a month and a half ago, they went out of town, and he ended up getting extremely mad over an omission that my sister had made. This huge fight ensued and they parted ways.. but I almost lost my sister

She ended up in the emergency room and then ended up in a mental hospital for a 72-hour hold. She had already bought a plane ticket to come visit me and the family before all this had occurred, and luckily, they let her out so that she could make it over here. Needless to say, she spent the whole week crying and sleeping. She had called the guy a few times, but he wanted to sever all ties with her. It seems to me that his favorite form of punishment is to completely withdraw. Then I find out a couple of weeks ago that they're back together again and "in it for the long haul."

I hate this guy, as does my whole entire family, and as much as we try to talk some sense into her, she just doesn't get it. He's an abusive and manipulative jerk, and deep down inside she knows that, but she can't quit him, and he can't quit her.. and she was a psychology major, for crying out loud

Last time I talked to her, she said that he wants to bring him home so that we can meet him. Uh.. yeah, riiight

It's just hard to be supportive of her, when I'm so not supportive of the relationship.

Alas, I have no words of wisdom for you and your friend, as I can't even handle my own situation. Maybe an intervention is in order? Maybe you could find her a guy who is worthy of her time? I don't know..

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/1/2008 10:50:00 AM
Author: Lexie
I can soooo relate to this that it''s not even funny, although in this particular situation, it''s my sister who is in a huge mess, and not a friend

So, my twin sister, who is a very unusual girl, in so far as the way she dresses (kind of gothish), her super high intelligence, and her crazy awesome sense of humor, has been dating this manipulative psychopath/a-hole on-and-off for the past year and a half or so. They started dating not long after he had gotten married to his best friend, whom he has absolutely no romantic feelings for. In fact, his wife has been dating his best friend. I still don''t understand why they would get married if they have a completely platonic relationship, but whatever.

Apparently, this guy is super charming, smart, has a commanding presence, is humorous, and is the most amazing guy my sister has ever met. At first, things between them were great.. but slowly, their relationship started disintegrating. I would constantly get calls with her crying because of him getting mad over the smallest things, and she''d feel guilty and blame herself even when they were not under her control. He also got quite jealous of other guys. They started fighting quite a bit, and it got the point where in one fight, after he had finished punching walls and a staircase rail, he threw my sister''s belongings outside and kicked her out in the middle of the night (she lives an hour and a half away from him). Then he said that he didn''t want anything to do with her, and for her not to contact him ever again.

After that first initial time, she couldn''t get over him. She was already a little miserable because of some issues she''s having with grad school, but this led her to get more depressed, so she started taking anti-depressants. Eventually, they did get back together again, and the whole process started over.. but this time around it turned out that he was more serious about her, yet he told her that he was young, didn''t want to be tied down, and that there was a possibility that he might want to date other women, but that at the end of the day, he''d go back to her. That didn''t make her too happy, but it didn''t turn out to be a deal breaker

They got a lot closer this time around, and she even met a lot of his family; however, she also started having an identity crisis because of his constant nit-picking and him making her feel like she wasn''t good enough.

About a month and a half ago, they went out of town, and he ended up getting extremely mad over an omission that my sister had made. This huge fight ensued and they parted ways.. but I almost lost my sister

She ended up in the emergency room and then ended up in a mental hospital for a 72-hour hold. She had already bought a plane ticket to come visit me and the family before all this had occurred, and luckily, they let her out so that she could make it over here. Needless to say, she spent the whole week crying and sleeping. She had called the guy a few times, but he wanted to sever all ties with her. Then I find out a couple of weeks ago that they''re back together again and ''in it for the long haul.''

I hate this guy, as does my whole entire family, and as much as we try to talk some sense into her, she just doesn''t get it. He''s an abusive and manipulative jerk, and deep down inside she knows that, but she can''t quit him, and he can''t quit her.. and she was a psychology major, for crying out loud

Last time I talked to her, she said that he wants to bring him home so that we can meet him. Uh.. yeah, riiight

It''s just hard to be supportive of her, when I''m so not supportive of the relationship.

Alas, I have no words of wisdom for you and your friend, as I can''t even handle my own situation. Maybe an intervention is in order? Maybe you could find her a guy who is worthy of her time? I don''t know..

Ohhh my goodness. That is an absolutely terrible situation! My bff is in a bad relationship, but I definitely wouldn''t consider it abusive, like your sisters! That is so terrible that you had to deal with all that! It is so frustrating watching the people you love make terrible mistakes (even though we all have to make them!) But, of course, everyone always thinks their situation is "different", or "You just don''t understand." It sucks that people just can''t borrow the eyes of the people they trust and look in.

Hopefully your sister comes around -- he seems like the type of guy who will throw her out as many times as she''ll come back, so if it''s going to end, it''s going to have to be her strength that ends it.

I hope everything ends well with you guys. Hopefully the guy can disappear, and your relationship can stay strong!

 

[diamondfan]

He is not a frog. He is a PIG. And she is six kinds of silly to be dealing with this. What if she actually got him to marry her? How many other girlfriends will he flaunt then?! Yikes. I would rather be alone than allow someone to treat me that way. I feel terribly for her that she really is accepting of this. Wait to see if they get married, and he just does not come home some nights as he is at his girlfriend''s. He will figure anything is fair if she accepts this NOW. God forbid bringing kids into that home.

 

[Lexie]

Date: 5/1/2008 10:56:46 AM
Author: Lauren8211

Ohhh my goodness. That is an absolutely terrible situation! My bff is in a bad relationship, but I definitely wouldn't consider it abusive, like your sisters! That is so terrible that you had to deal with all that! It is so frustrating watching the people you love make terrible mistakes (even though we all have to make them!) But, of course, everyone always thinks their situation is 'different', or 'You just don't understand.' It sucks that people just can't borrow the eyes of the people they trust and look in.


Hopefully your sister comes around -- he seems like the type of guy who will throw her out as many times as she'll come back, so if it's going to end, it's going to have to be her strength that ends it.


I hope everything ends well with you guys. Hopefully the guy can disappear, and your relationship can stay strong!

Yeah.. it's extremely frustrating

I've just never seen her this unstable and bad off, and to be perfectly honest, I'm quite scared for her. I love her to pieces and wish that I could really be there for her, but unfortunately, she lives on the West Coast and I'm in TX

You're completely right though. After each time that they've broken up, she has begrudgingly tried to move on.. but as soon as he throws her a bone and wants her back, she willingly goes back to him with absolutely no hesitation, because this time "things are going to be different."

I hope that there is a way to empower her and make her believe that she doesn't deserve any of this maltreatment. She has so many things going for her, and this relationship is not only destroying her life, but possibly destroying her future as well. Nothing would make me happier than him disappearing.

The only other thing that I can think of doing would be to fill my parents in on her hospitalization, and a few other things that they're unaware of. I'm not really sure what good would come of that though. If they intervene, would it be helpful in the long-run? Maybe. Would it ruin our relationship? I don't see how it couldn't -sigh-

Thanks for the much needed encouragement and words of wisdom.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/1/2008 8:48:37 AM
Author: Lauren8211

Date: 4/30/2008 9:24:25 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
Oh, can I ever relate to this one!

I also have the ''no talking'' rule with BFF... because BFF has been involved with a MARRIED MAN for about a year now. I love her dearly, but I''ve lost a lot of respect for her over it. I''m actually quite liberal overall, but it''s something that I am strongly aginst on a moral level. We''ve been friends for 12 years and she is (believe it or not) a truly good, kind-hearted person in every other way -- if it weren''t for those factors, I doubt I could remain being her friend at all. They broke up awhile ago but they''ve been talking again recently (her therapist actually booted her out of therapy altogether til they stop talking again... her therapist likened it to an addiction because they are basically codependent). It''s actually lead to arguments between us because I simply cannot sympathize with some of the things she says regarding the situation.

In my experience, there is very little you can do or say. Most of it will go unheard and the things that do get through will just make her upset. I''m not defending them, but you have to realize that they''re in a very unhappy situation. In cases like this, the truth HURTS. The only way to remain sane in a situation like theirs is to attempt to remain deeply in denial as to the actual reality of the situation. You have to believe he''ll change, he''ll leave/get rid of the other girl, he doesn''t have sex with the other girl/wife (yeah, right!), it''s the circumstances stopping him and it''s not really his fault... etc.

So that''s my cynical take on it. It used to upset me more because I know she deserves better than that. But aside from being morally opposed to it, I''ve pretty much run out of sympathy. I tried and tried and tried for a long time to be there for her but it only created conflict between us when I tried to make her see my perspective. She knows full well what she is doing, unfortunately, and she simply doesn''t care enough. I still love her, but she has to be the one to help herself and end the situation she''s in. (I hope that doesn''t sound cold, the guy isn''t abusive or anything-- he''s just a slimy, wimpy, lying jerk).

Wow -- your situation is strikingly similar to mine! My bff lives with her parents now, so they don''t ever spend the night together, unless they get a hotel which is pretty rare. And the denial thing is so evident!! It''s actually kind of scary how much in denial she is.

I even asked her whether or not she thought he was having sex with the other girl, and she said no! Can you believe that? But she also keeps telling me that the other girl is begging this guy to get her pregnant, because she wants to settle and get married. How does one get pregnant without sex?? Denial!!

I''ve definitely given her my two cents -- I''m the friend you go to when you want the real truth. Unfortunately, she viewed me as judging her (I was just judging him! lol), and it lead to us not talking for a while. So fast forward a year and a half, they''re still together, he''s still living with the other girl, and she''s still putting up with it. All of our mutual friends can''t even take it seriously -- it''s a joke. I just wonder how long she can really put up with this! Ugh! Women!

The situations DO sound very similar! What kills me is that BFF and this dude don''t even have what I perceive to be a ''real'' relationship. They can''t go anywhere public, obviously, so they have NEVER been on a real date. Not even one. How sad is that? Their ''relationship'' consists of when he stops by while working a night shift (he''s on-call for a utilities company) and sleeps there...

Your friend''s situation in general sounds so bizarre to me. How did this loser find not one, but two women who will knowingly go along with this? What is your friend going to do if the other girl does get pregnant? That would be too painful to bear.