Ok, I need to get that out of my system...

[anchor31]

I knew I wouldn’t stay away for long…

I am so fed up with people telling me I should live with my SO before marrying him!!! What would they know, they''ve never been married! Most of them haven''t even been serious enough in a relationship to consider lifelong commitment! And seriously, which couple is most likely to be doomed, I wonder?

Couple A: Two college students who are so much involved in each other that they either spend too much time and energy on each other to get the best grades they could get or choose another program then the one they really want or need to get into in order to be with the other person as much as possible (or both), which ultimately doesn’t get them where they really want to be in their professional lives and/or move in with each other as soon as possible without any form of commitment and even some serious thought as to if they really want the same things out of life, including marriage; or

Couple B: After two years of knowing each other and eighteen months of relationship, the girl leaves 3000 miles away for college because she thought it was the best thing for her professional future, while the guy stays home to finish his community college course, gets a steady job and starts saving money for a house. They have discussed their future together seriously and want to spend the rest of their lives together, get married and have children together. They want to get married once the girl has finished college, after five years of relationship, even if they haven’t lived together beforehand (it took some discussion before they decided, but they finally reached an agreement), and once they are married will be ready to go wherever the most well-paying job takes them.

You’d think it was couple B, since couple A doesn’t raise any eyebrows, and couple B (well, girl B at least) constantly gets told they should live together before getting married…

What I’ve just realized is that the people who tell me that are mostly “couple A” type of people. Honestly, I believe that what my SO and I, aka couple B, are doing and plan on doing is much more reasonable and gives us better chances of success and happiness than couple A. I am not sacrificing my love life and future family life by putting my future professional life first while I’m in college, while they sacrifice at least partly their future professional lives for a future family life that hasn’t even been fully agreed on. However, I might not agree with them, but I don’t go around telling them what they should and shouldn’t do! If it makes them happy, good for them, but I know it wouldn’t make me happy, and I’m not going to do something that would make me unhappy because it’s what other people think is better!

*sigh* It makes me angry that I always seem to have to defend my choices from my peers. Why can’t they just respect that some people think differently and have different goals and values in life, or simply different ways to achieve their goals? I feel so different from the other 20 to 25 year-olds around me, and I’m fed up with being judged all the time. Since I started college last January, I’ve lost count of how often I’ve been told that long-distance relationships don’t work and that my SO and I wouldn’t last, and that I should live with my boyfriend before marrying him because there’s no way we can know how it is to live together otherwise. Sorry to disappoint them, but my SO told me he’s been looking at rings for Christmas (he unfortunately can’t afford one at the moment, but that’s beside the point, the point is that we’re growing stronger every day and he’s planning on proposing, no more thinking, he’s planning!!!) and we do know each other’s living habits already, and I don’t believe they’re going to change (as much as I’d like some on them to

).

Thanks again for listening to me whine… I''m sorry my post is so long! A friend of mine (who constantly asks me for advice on a successful relationship, by the way...) tried to convince me yesterday that cohabitation before marriage was a marriage-saver. Right. Like you would know. I’m not saying there won’t be any adaptation needed, I’m perfectly aware of that. I just don’t believe it’s absolutely necessary to live with him before marriage or else our marriage will fail…

I feel like an alien. Am I an alien??!

 

[SoonIHope]

You''re not an alien!!!

I will have lived with my boyfriend for at least two and a half years by the time we get engaged, because that was what was right for us, but listening to you...what you''re doing is right for YOU! So tell your friend to shut up!!! Everything you''re saying makes complete sense, and I''ve gotta say I really hate those "long distance relationships don''t work" people. They don''t work for SOME people, but they work for a MILLION OTHERS. They always bring in the stories of well I knew this person who was in a long distance relationship but they broke up, and this person did too, and this person did too...but statistally, NOT long distance people break up SO much more often! It''s just that when someone breaks up in a not-long-distance relationship no one thinks to make generalizations about it. So if YOU know you can do it, and that''s what''s right for you, then just ignore them! You''ll be fine, and if you really know your boyfriend well enough (which you certainly seem to) then I can''t think why you should HAVE to live together before you get married! I''m so sorry she''s not being more supportive though...but know that we''re on your side!!!! And that you''re not an alien.

 

[icekid]

I don''t think living together pre-marriage means that you are not going to be successful career-wise. My fiance and I have been living together for a year and a few months and I''m going to be a physician in 2 and a half years. So, obviously these things are not mututally exclusive.

That said, you certainly don''t have to live together before you get married and you don''t have to justify your decisions to anyone else either. Tell them to shut up about it. People can be so obnoxious..

 

[Blue824]

If you''re an alien, I''m one too...

I wrote a whole novel lol and finally deleted it because...

The bottom line is, there is no ONE way and no RIGHT way to handle things. You do so based on your own experiences and opinions. If living together would weed out all of the weaker relationships and guaranteed you not getting a divorce, everyone would do it! But it doesnt.

I''m equally as frustrated having to defend my choices. This isn''t the first decision a couple of my friends have tried to question, and it seems to always be the same people...It is also funny that a lot of the people who are very vocal about telling me what I"m doing may be wrong havent been in very serious relationships where they''ve gone through similar situations. Its extremely frustrating, and I know which people to expect it from. When I see things starting to head in one direction, I change the conversation or omg, i have to make a phone call! I don''t care if that is immature

I''m tired of having to explain myself, I don''t feel like I should have to. I don''t butt into their personal choices and ask them to explain their decisions to me...they''re not accountable to me! I listen if they need someone to bounce their thoughts off of, but I don''t butt in. Why do soem of them feel so comfortable doing so in my life!!! Arg.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/20/2005 2:19:12 PM
Author: icekid
I don''t think living together pre-marriage means that you are not going to be successful career-wise. My fiance and I have been living together for a year and a few months and I''m going to be a physician in 2 and a half years. So, obviously these things are not mututally exclusive.

No, of course they''re not. I''m sure living together pre-marriage and even still at school can work for some people. It is possible to balance future careers and love lives successfully, but a lot of people around me don''t because they make choices according to the other person and not themselves. Like everything else, it''s depends on the person, I don''t think anything is mutually exclusive. I didn''t mean it like that at all. That said, good luck with your school and your fiancé (oooh, I can''t wait to call my SO that!

)!!

As always, thanks for your support and understanding, ladies. I will follow your advice and not listen to them. You''re right: I don''t have to explain my choices to anyone. So I won''t. They don''t have to agree, but they don''t have to try and make me change my mind either.

Funny how it always seems to be the people who form an opinion with no experience on the subject who tend to be the most intrusive and judgmental...

 

[snuga]

Date: 11/20/2005 6:06:09 PM
Author: Virginia
PLEASE, do not listen to others regarding if you should live together or not. Only you will know if that is right for you or not! My SO and I have decided not to (much to the dismay of SOME of my friends) but it IS the right decision for US. Your heart will tell you the right way to go! Good Luck!

AMEN!! Only you two know what truly goes on between the two of you and only YOU TWO can decide what path is best for YOUR relationship!!

And no... you''re not an alien!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/20/2005 6:06:09 PM
Author: Virginia
PLEASE, do not listen to others regarding if you should live together or not. Only you will know if that is right for you or not! My SO and I have decided not to (much to the dismay of SOME of my friends) but it IS the right decision for US. Your heart will tell you the right way to go! Good Luck!

What does it change in their lives if we make choices they don''t agree on? How can it make them unhappy if we make a decision that makes us happy?

So far I haven''t listened to those people, if I had I would have left my boyfriend a long time ago because long distance relationships supposedly never work. But believe it or not, we are very happy with our relationship. If we weren''t, he wouldn''t be shopping for rings, would he? And I wouldn''t be a LIW, wondering (im)patiently when he''s going to propose! So, I guess that if marriage without cohabitation prior to it is as unsuccessful as long-distance relationships, I have nothing to worry about!

 

[E B]

Living together should be decided on a case-by-case basis. When my fiance and I had been dating 6 months, he moved in with me right before he moved to California (we were in Texas). We spent 4 months apart (blah!) and then I moved to California and right in with him. I wouldn't have it any other way, because I love love love living with him. However, it isn't for everyone, and only you and your boyfriend know if it's right for you. I believe in living together before engagement/marriage because you get to experience the little things you don't experience normally (and trust me, these little things only become apparent when you have to share the bathroom in the morning, buy groceries together for the week, split the bills, etc.) but that's just my opinion. If you feel comfortable living apart, then live apart. Listen to the advice of others, but don't take it if it isn't the right fit.

 

[princessv]

Anchor31, forget what other people think seriously. Remember our conversation on living together before you get engaged/married? Do what is right for you and your SO not what other people think. Some people can just be soooooooo rude and inconsiderate. I mean its not like you went around asking for their advice.

 

[monarch64]

Anchor, kudos to you for sticking to your guns. Boo to the A couples who insist that their way is the only way. IMO, couples like you who take their values very seriously and don''t give in to temptation probably have a better chance of sticking things out in the marriage department as well! (And this is coming from a person who cohabitated before marriage!) Don''t let ''em get you down!

I think sometimes people feel like couples who choose not to live together first have a little bit of a "holier than thou" attitude towards couples who do live together first, therefore, they try to blow out your candle a little bit to make theirs burn brighter, know what I mean? I''m a vegetarian, and while that''s by no means the same argument, I get so tired of people telling me I''m not getting enough iron, and humans are carnivores, etc. I never try to convert others, and I pretty much try to keep it on the downlow, but I hate when other people try to convince me I''m doing the wrong thing! There will always be people in life who can''t wait to see others fail, and be able to say "I told you so!", you just have to remain secure in the knowledge that you''re doing what''s right for you in your life, and if you''re not hurting anyone else, what the hell do they care anyway?

 

[larussel03]

just ignore ''em is what I say. You can either waste energy being frustrated by these people whose opinions dont and wont affect you, or just ignore them and switch the subject to something happier. That''s what I''ve learned to do. Alot of the time they''re just trying to get a rise out of you to make themselves feel better so dont even give them the satisfaction of acting like their opinion affected you. After a while it really wont pi$$ you off anymore, it''ll become second nature to just let these toxic people''s opinions roll right off you.

 

[anchor31]

Thanks, ladies. You''re right, I shouldn''t let myself be bothered.

Monarch - I''m rather skeptical when it comes to vegetarism, but I don''t try to convince vegetarians to eat meat. Just like living together before marriage, there''s no definitive right or wrong. If it suits you, it''s fine, but if it doesn''t suit me, it''s fine too. Because some people do it doesn''t mean I have to do it too!
And next time people tell you humans are carnivores, tell them they''re wrong. Humans are omnivores, likes bears. That said, no one has to eat meat if they don''t want to, they just have to inform themselves and make sure they have all the nutrients they need.

 

[SoonIHope]

Ooh, Monarch, I think vegetarianism is a great comparison. I never like to talk to people about why I''m vegetarian but they almost ALWAYS ask "Why did you decide to become one?", which I try to avoid answering ("Oh, lots of reasons" etc) because, like choosing not to live together before you get married, when you explain why YOU chose it always comes out sounding like a lecture, even if you don''t mean it to AT ALL. I think the reason for that might be because the "upper ground" as it were is the position where you intentionally choose to abstain from something that you (or most people) objectively WANT, so the people who do not abstain feel they have to defend their choices. I think this applies to pretty much anything - I even feel guilty eating during Ramadan if one of my Muslim friends is around, even though I know no one expects ME to fast. So I think that if you say, "Well I believe x" then people assume it applies to them, but if you say, "In my personal situation, I found that this was the right decision FOR ME" then people assume you''re saying "because I''m better than you." So it''s really a no win situation. For being a vegetarian I seriously just avoid answering the question because I know nothing I say is going to keep people from getting defensive. When honestly I DO NOT CARE if other people are or not. And you know, I live with my boyfriend, that was the right decision for us...but if you don''t want to, I don''t care! It''s all good!

People just get defensive too easily I think, and feel they have to justify sticking with the norm when faced with people who make an active choice to "deny themselves" of something THEY find appealing. So if I were you, I think I''d just try to dodge giving them much of an answer...say something noncommittal like "we''ll see how it turns out" and then they don''t have anything to harp on. As long as YOU know what you want to do, and you and your boyfriend have decided the best option for your situation, there''s no reason to even bother letting other people know exactly what that decision is or why it was made if you don''t think they can be civil about it. So I''m sorry!! Because I totally know what it feels like...

But just try your best to ignore them, and give them as little to argue with as possible!

 

[platinumrock]

Anchor, I''m sorry about your situation, and I can completely understand what you are going through. It''s good that you are venting here, where many can sympathize with you. I''ve had my share of "suggestions" from family members and friends. I''ve lived away from home since I was 21, and people in my life still try to make "suggestions". I''ve learned to accept their "suggestions" gracefully and let them know if I''m going to use it.

Unless they pay my bills, I could give a rat''s heiny about what they think.

No, you are not an alien. You are simply thinking for yourself. You don''t have to live together before marriage and you don''t have to wait until after the wedding either. There are no rules. You can do whatever you want! Do what''s in the best interest of your relationship, and go with what works for you and your fiance. Everyone else can kiss your heiny.

Good luck!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 11/20/2005 1:38:38 PM
Author:anchor31

I knew I wouldn’t stay away for long…

I am so fed up with people telling me I should live with my SO before marrying him!!! What would they know, they''ve never been married! Most of them haven''t even been serious enough in a relationship to consider lifelong commitment! And seriously, which couple is most likely to be doomed, I wonder?

Couple A: Two college students who are so much involved in each other that they either spend too much time and energy on each other to get the best grades they could get or choose another program then the one they really want or need to get into in order to be with the other person as much as possible (or both), which ultimately doesn’t get them where they really want to be in their professional lives and/or move in with each other as soon as possible without any form of commitment and even some serious thought as to if they really want the same things out of life, including marriage; or

Couple B: After two years of knowing each other and eighteen months of relationship, the girl leaves 3000 miles away for college because she thought it was the best thing for her professional future, while the guy stays home to finish his community college course, gets a steady job and starts saving money for a house. They have discussed their future together seriously and want to spend the rest of their lives together, get married and have children together. They want to get married once the girl has finished college, after five years of relationship, even if they haven’t lived together beforehand (it took some discussion before they decided, but they finally reached an agreement), and once they are married will be ready to go wherever the most well-paying job takes them.

You’d think it was couple B, since couple A doesn’t raise any eyebrows, and couple B (well, girl B at least) constantly gets told they should live together before getting married…

What I’ve just realized is that the people who tell me that are mostly “couple A” type of people. Honestly, I believe that what my SO and I, aka couple B, are doing and plan on doing is much more reasonable and gives us better chances of success and happiness than couple A. I am not sacrificing my love life and future family life by putting my future professional life first while I’m in college, while they sacrifice at least partly their future professional lives for a future family life that hasn’t even been fully agreed on. However, I might not agree with them, but I don’t go around telling them what they should and shouldn’t do! If it makes them happy, good for them, but I know it wouldn’t make me happy, and I’m not going to do something that would make me unhappy because it’s what other people think is better!

*sigh* It makes me angry that I always seem to have to defend my choices from my peers. Why can’t they just respect that some people think differently and have different goals and values in life, or simply different ways to achieve their goals? I feel so different from the other 20 to 25 year-olds around me, and I’m fed up with being judged all the time. Since I started college last January, I’ve lost count of how often I’ve been told that long-distance relationships don’t work and that my SO and I wouldn’t last, and that I should live with my boyfriend before marrying him because there’s no way we can know how it is to live together otherwise. Sorry to disappoint them, but my SO told me he’s been looking at rings for Christmas (he unfortunately can’t afford one at the moment, but that’s beside the point, the point is that we’re growing stronger every day and he’s planning on proposing, no more thinking, he’s planning!!!) and we do know each other’s living habits already, and I don’t believe they’re going to change (as much as I’d like some on them to

).

Thanks again for listening to me whine… I''m sorry my post is so long! A friend of mine (who constantly asks me for advice on a successful relationship, by the way...) tried to convince me yesterday that cohabitation before marriage was a marriage-saver. Right. Like you would know. I’m not saying there won’t be any adaptation needed, I’m perfectly aware of that. I just don’t believe it’s absolutely necessary to live with him before marriage or else our marriage will fail…

I feel like an alien. Am I an alien??!

No worries Jcrow. My first year off at school everyone told me he would cheat and then home for the great Ameriian Turkey Drop, ie getting dumped at Thanksgiving. It seems like the longer we are together the more sure others around me are that we ought to break up, or that he must be cheating if we live in diffrent states.

I forgot boys cant be honest.
I have had it up to here with people telling me we need to live together first, kiss off! I dont want to and neither does he. We are both awre of each others lifestyles and patterns. And just becuase you made some bad decisions and stayed with the wrong guy/girl too long doesnt mean that I am with the wrong man. Yikes people project way too often.