Once bitten, Twice Shy??

[rialaine]

(Sry it''s long!)

I was a LIW once before. In the spring of 2007, my bf of 3 years broke up with me. He was my high school sweetheart & I (and everyone else involved in our lives) thought for certain that we would get married. We had talked at length about our engagement, our wedding & had even picked out names for our kids- the whole shebang. I was thinking up color schemes & we had even went ring shopping. We were the perfect couple & I had all of my hopes & dreams, my entire identity wrapped up in our fairy tale life together. But of course, that was not the way it was meant to be. We broke up suddenly, I didn''t see it coming at all. I felt like a carpet had literally been pulled out from underneath me. After recovering from the break up & doing A LOT of soul searching, and growing I learned how to find fulfillment in myself and I learned what real love was.

Currently, I am head over heels in love with an amazing man who loves me in the most incredible way. He loves me for who I am, and I love him madly for who he is. FF & I started talking about marriage in April & he has been dying to pop the question since. I originally thought he would propose this fall/winter but after we went ring shopping he realized that we would''nt have the money to buy the ring until atleast a year from now. I know how much it means to him to get me a beautiful ring & plan out a perfect proposal. I have been feeling a little down about it but I am trying to look on the positive side.

Everything has been ok except once or twice I have heard this evil little voice pop up & say-- "Hey, who knows. it may not even happen. He hasn''t really made the commitment until he''s officially proposed" But I know thats not the case. He''s committed to me & shown me tremendous amounts of trust with his money (something he is usually extremely guarded about), his son and his heart. I know he loves me, I see it everyday. But I just get nervous about the wait being so long.

And then last night, I had this horrible dream that we got in a silly little fight & when I called to apologize about it, he accidentally answers the phone instead of hitting ignore & I hear him telling his friends how he''s just gonna ignore my call. I scream that I can hear him & so he just picks up the phone & begins to tell me that he has been unhappy for a long time now & he thinks we just need to break up. I feel betrayed and am in complete shock.... again, like the carpet has just been pulled out from underneath me.

I woke up from the dream & it felt like there was a huge knife in my heart. It really shook me. I have no reason to be afraid that this will happen with FF. My initial reaction was to call FF & vent about it, but
-A. I don''t want to make him feel bad about not having the money right now and
-B. I definitely don''t want him to think I am comparing him to my ex.

What is my problem? Once bitten, twice shy?

(I do have to admit- just typing this post made me feel better about it. Maybe I just needed to get it out. I can be quite worrier.

)

 

[Squirrly]

if it makes you feel any better, M had to drag me (pretty much kicking and screaming) into even talking about getting married because after a couple empty promises and broken hearts i had deemed the topic cursed. poor boy had to take baby steps with breaking me into talking about it.
also i sometimes when this wonderful guy of mine will realize how wonderful he is and start to wonder how he got stuck with me

and so i decide to master pies now that i''ve got cookies down

i will never run out of things to bake. neveeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[rialaine]

Awwww lol. That does make me feel better!! Thanks Squirrly!! You''ve been such a sweetie!

 

[lilmissrugger]

I know what you''re going through, I''ve been through a similar thing.
It sucks. Lol.

The most important thing, though, is to remember that the man you''re with is NOT your ex. You''re with him now, and the past it past.

Only bring it up if you really think that it''s something that could plausibly happen. If you''re sure it''s just something going on in your head (and I''d say it is-- no offense, but i''ve been there so I totally understand), just let it be a silly dream- you are happy with him now, and just because the proposal has to be postponed, it doesn''t mean it''s not going to happen

And, anyway, that''s what places like this are for- you can post here, and we can tell you there''s nothing to worry about

 

[Indylady]

Highschool sweetheart? 3 years? So I''m assuming he was pretty young when you guys were together? I don''t know your ex or your current FF, but I think that if your FF has a son, is serious about your relationship, etc. then he is probably be in a different place in his own life from your ex who sounds pretty young. Don''t stress!

 

[killerqueen17]

WOW! Your first paragraph happened to me exactly... except for in 2005, not 2007. That's honestly the only difference. How strange!!

I wouldn't worry about it happening again though... from what you've described, it seems completely unfounded. Dreams like that are a pain because you wake up, and though nothing actually happened, the emotion is still there. I once had some dream where the BF was being stupid, and when I woke up I let my emotions carry over into real life, and was kind of snippy with him... and then he got annoyed with me that I was mad about something that happened in a dream, and we fought over it, lol!! How silly.

You've just gotta shake it off and not let it affect your mood, and just remind yourself that it's only a dream. Vent it out if it helps... maybe not to your FF if it would bug him, but to other friends, or even us.

It sounds like you have absolutely nothing to worry about... so let dreams be dreams and get back to your awesome life!!

 

[LilyKat]

Yep, been there with a 5-year relationship, know exactly how you feel.

It is definitely natural to be a bit more cautious and guarded the second time you've been there. It's self-protection. Just remind yourself that it's not a reflection of the new relationship, just of your experiences. It WILL get better with time. Keep reminding yourself of all the ways he shows you he is serious (not just talks about it). If you have no reason to doubt him, don't.

And, I hate dreams like that! They feel so real, don't they? But you know they don't mean anything, right?

 

[Squirrly]

aww thanks

glad you''re feeling better!

 

[princessplease]

I was there in your situation in 2005 as well. My ex and I were together for almost 4 years and were thisclose to engagement when all of the sudden, he just broke up with me. It definitely was for the better because I am a complete 180 from where I was when we were together. I think I had this idealized image of marrying my HS sweetheart, a situation which would''ve turned out horribly if I had.
After a series of short and failed relationships, I found FI and we took it relatively slower than I had in any other relationships. At first, I was super scared of him picking up and leaving, but as we progressed, I realized that his love for me was too great for him to talk about marriage with me and then leave. I always thought of the situation with my ex prepared me to be an amazing woman for whatever man I marry, and for that, I''m grateful for the relationship I had with my ex.

 

[lilylover]

I have been through something similar to you. I was completely heartbroken and during the healing process developed a lot of "scar tissue" so to speak. It took a lot for my current BF of four years to convince me that he wasn''t going to betray me like my ex did. I found that it helped to talk to BF about it. Yes, there is the chance that they will be offended that you may even be having these worrying thoughts, but most likely he will reassure you and it''ll make you feel better. You guys definitely need to have open communication about everything, including this, imho.

If I remember correctly, after BF and I were together for about 2 years I finally got it through my head that he was completely different than my ex and I had nothing to worry about. Yes, it took quite a while. But now I trust him with my life.

 

[rialaine]

Thanks so much everyone!! I just really needed a place to vent and you ladies are so wonderful & supportive!! Thanks for sharing all of your stories and calming down my irrationalities. Its a silly dream that is obviously not grounded in reality what so ever. Like LilyKat says "it''s not a reflection of the new relationship, just of your experiences"

Thanks again ladies!

ps. Killerqueen- I hate how your emotions from the dream can spill over into reality! It makes me feel like a crazy person! lol.