One Way To Get There

[mayachel]

In talking with a coworker the other day she mentioned "The Talk" she had with her FF when he was dragging his feet. Basically, after a 6 months of sig dates had passed, sat him down and said, "We''re only having this conversation once, if you are in this for the long haul, there needs to be a ring and a question by the end of the year." And...she got it, him, and they lived happily ever after (or so I hope).

Meanwhile, I have no updates on my own situation, but appreciate reading everyone else''s.

 

[absolut_blonde]

While I somewhat appreciate the sentiment, SO would balk at that. Actually, he DID balk at it -- with his ex! She said the same thing out of the blue one day. Of course, he didn't follow through.

I don't have a real issue with setting timelines (either mutually or for your own purposes) but I do think one should be tactful in the way they approach it. Not wishy-washy, but more of a 'are we on the same page or not' phrasing as opposed to do it or else.

Then again, my cousin's wife did what your coworker did and it worked out. They'd been dating since 18, they owned a house, they knew (HE knew) they were going to marry. But he was just dragging his feet for whatever reason (knowing my cousin, probably because he 'could', if it ain't broke don't fix it, etc). Around the time they hit 24-25, she basically said get on with it soon or else. So he did and they've very happy now.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/31/2008 10:36:27 AM
Author:mayachel
In talking with a coworker the other day she mentioned 'The Talk' she had with her FF when he was dragging his feet. Basically, after a 6 months of sig dates had passed, sat him down and said, 'We're only having this conversation once, if you are in this for the long haul, there needs to be a ring and a question by the end of the year.' And...she got it, him, and they lived happily ever after (or so I hope).


Meanwhile, I have no updates on my own situation, but appreciate reading everyone else's.

What 'conversation' did they have? Doesn't sound like he had to say anything, just hear what she had to say and choose whether or not he wanted to get married to her by adhering to her deadline or not. I know, in his shoes, I wouldn't have put up with someone just ordering me about instead of having an honest conversation (MUTUAL conversation) about OUR future.

 

[mayachel]

What ''conversation'' did they have? Doesn''t sound like he had to say anything, just hear what she had to say and choose whether or not he wanted to get married to her by adhering to her deadline or not.


You are correct, in a sense. He knew that she had previously been in a 10+ year relationship where she had gone along to get along, and left as she realized that person was happy with the status quo and felt no real desire to marry. So she was limiting her time within two years of dating with the now DH.

My previous post leaves out the important details, of general on-going conversations that marriage was being dangled as where they were headed. I agree with her spunk and reasoning that she didn''t want to have to feel like she was in a position of trying to convince him to get engaged, as if he wasn''t looking for that, she was done to find someone who was interested in a lifetime commitment within the realm of marriage.

Though I know that my boyfriend loves me very much, and I do believe from very direct conversations on the matter, he has every intention of marriage, and a fairly soon engagement, when time passes and he won''t talk to me about what he''s thinking, or he tells me hasn''t been thinking about since the previous talk, it isn''t great for my self-esteem. I am in a place where I know conceptually it has nothing to do with me, or our relationship, and everything to do with him deciding he''s ready. Something that I have no control over, and so have to decisions: Be okay with it and wait, or not be okay with it and leave. For now, I''ve decided to wait.

 

[mayachel]

Date: 5/31/2008 11:48:56 AM
Author: absolut_blonde

Then again, my cousin''s wife did what your coworker did and it worked out. They''d been dating since 18, they owned a house, they knew (HE knew) they were going to marry. But he was just dragging his feet for whatever reason (knowing my cousin, probably because he ''could'', if it ain''t broke don''t fix it, etc). Around the time they hit 24-25, she basically said get on with it soon or else. So he did and they''ve very happy now.

Absolut_blonde I think there are all kinds of personalities that will never get there if they aren''t faced with the realization that they are about to loose something they wanted to hang on to. Sure, getting engaged/married is a huge undertaking emotionally as well as everything else, but at the same time, in my opinion if everything else is working well in the relationship, it just is the next step and shouldn''t feel like such a huge leap of faith to get there.

And yes, this divine lady is very forthright, and I imagine rules her home with grace and strength.

 

[LegacyGirl]

**DISCLAIMER BEFORE I GET CRUD FOR WHAT I''M ABOUT TO TYPE** FI and I had already talked about marriage and we knew we were going to be together, I did not just say this out of the blue (although it would have been even funnier if I did).


I basically told my FI (and I can''t remember how it came up, probably when he was calling me 401-K my first name begins with a K and he thinks this is the perfect nickname for me) "There better be some incentive for me to stick around after I finish law school. You watch Boston Legal, how am I going to resist the Allan of the office?"

The look on his face was TDF because I said this so seriously. Within 3 days we had the diamond picked out, and I WAS ONLY JOKING WITH HIM. hahaha


But really if there was a look alike James Spader in my office how could uncommitted me resist? (DROOL)