One year engagement vs. two - your thoughts?

[AmberGretchen]

Hello ladies - so I know you are all probably sick to death of my where and when to have my wedding posts, but FI and I have decided to revisit the idea of having our wedding next summer rather than waiting two years, mostly because we have decided to scale down and have a much smaller and more intimate wedding than we had originally planned. To make this simpler, I have listed the major pros and cons of each as well as scheduling issues, below:

Schedule:
Spring 2006 (hopefully by April) - I have qualifying exams, which are these big scary exams they make you take in grad school
July 1, 2006 - my dad''s 70th b-day and my cousin''s wedding
August/early Sept 2006 - FI starts first year of law school
May 2006 - FI finishes first year of law school

mid-July 2006 date:
Pros: I obsess less about planning things perfectly, and we can start to set things for certain now rather than waiting. Also means stress is more abbreviated, always a plus. FI is able to "enjoy being engaged," while I have trouble stopping myself obsessing about wedding stuff. Part of me figures if I''m going to obsess, might as well channel it into productive planning. FI will probably be more available to help, especially with things during the last 6 weeks, which I understand is crucial. We can go on our honeymoon before he starts school (great way to relax before the stress). We would be having the wedding while we are both still earning $$ (better for unexpected expenses that might arise). I''m the only one of my friends who is engaged = lots of attention on my wedding and no competition about wedding-related stuff (although it probably wouldn''t be a big issue anyway).
Cons: cuts it a bit closer to my qualifying exams than is probably ideal. Less time to plan, need to start booking things very soon (i.e. this summer). Gives me less time to lose weight. Some uncertainty about mom''s health, especially in early stages of planning process (she is having hip replacement surgery on Wednesday). She should be fine by the wedding, but might not be able to be as involved in the early stages of planning.

June 2007 date:
Pros: more time to plan. Can take honeymoon right after FI''s first year of law school is over (nice reward). More-than-adequate cushion of time after my qualifying exams are over. Money all saved in the bank before we have to start booking things (rather than saving as we go along). Gives me more time to lose weight. We are pretty young and it seems to be more generally accepted to wait. Plus there is a chance that maybe by then some of my friends will be in the same boat and so we can bond over wedding planning - people who aren''t engaged somehow aren''t as excited about it.
Cons: its a pretty long time to wait without a compelling reason. Costs go up in the meantime (most places we have asked about it anticipate their prices rising 5-15% by 2 years from now). FI probably not available to help with most of planning since he will be in his 1st year of law school.

Whew OK that was a lot. I''m hoping you ladies will be able to suggest some insights to me. I tend to think its kind of a toss-up with no strong reason to go either way but I am leaning towards the 1 year. FI is leaning towards the 2 years and likes the idea of not having to plan for a really long time (figures since that way he gets out of having to do almost all of the planning and yours truly gets stuck with it...which might happen anyway, but still

) Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[saturn]

I think you should go for the 1 yr. engagement!!
I mean, if you''re all excited to start planning now, I think you should totally capitalize on it. And why should you wait a whole extra year just because FI wants to get out of the work? 1 year should be more than enough time to plan a great wedding.
As a friend of mine put it, funerals get planned in a matter of days. Why should a wedding take years? (Not that it''s a particularly apt comparison.) And if less planning time means less perfectionism, then I think that''s a big plus.
I''m planning a 14 month engagement, and I''m already starting to feel like it''s too long.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

[jellybean]

Hi Ambergretchen!

Here''s my thoughts for whatever they''re worth.

My DH and I went through a similar dilemna. Although not in your exact situation, he had just finished up his 1st year of law school when we got engaged and I was taking pre-reqs for pharmacy school. So we also tossed around the idea of a 2 year engagement. It was either get married b/t my DH''s 2nd and 3rd years of law school or after he graduated.

We decided on a one year engagement. My DH and I knew friends (Lisa and Jim) that were both in law school that did the 2 year engagement. They had basically told us that they wished they had done the one year deal b/c the further you get into law school, the more draining it becomes. Lisa wanted to do more planning but her classes were so tough that her mom did a lot of the things she wanted to do. Jim didn''t want to hear much about the planning b/c he was already stressed out with classes. Plus, over the summer most students try to get a law clerk or similar type position and most employers look for 2nd or 3rd year students. It''s really competitive to get those summer positions and Jim''s employer didn''t look too keenly on him taking of two weeks in the summer for the wedding and honeymoon. The summer after graduation is especially hard b/c the Bar Exam is in July and the whole summer is blown studying -- which was the main reason why we married sooner. At least in Illinois, they only offer the Bar 2x/year, so if you don''t pass in July, the next time you can take it is February.

My DH said it was so nice to have me as a support there all the time (as opposed to when I just came over since we didn''t live together). He said he liked knowing I was there to come home to, especially when he had a particularly bad day. He was more involved in wedding planning than most guys are but at the same time he was so stressed with school that he was several times like "whatever you want dear". I know that would have been much worse if we had a longer engagement.

My cousin had a 2 year engagement. She booked her hall right after she got engaged then sat around twiddling her thumbs getting anxious wanting to do things, but most vendors wouldn''t book things 2 years in advance. She says now she wishes she had a shorter engagement. Plus, by the time came to really start planning, it was like it was "old news" so her friends weren''t really that into it.

All in all you have to decide what is best for you and your FI and if waiting is best for you, don''t let anyone else persuade you.

Good luck!

 

[MelissaSue]

If you''re going to do it in 2006.. you better start planning now. Like.. today. You won''t believe how many vendors I ran into 14-18 months in advance that were already booked. It will make your life easier and you''ll have a greater choice in vendors if you start now and book you big stuff (reception, photographer, caterer, DJ) NOW for you 2007 wedding.

I know its hard to wait.. but it will give you a lot less headaches!

 

[JessesGrl]

I planned and booked a wedding in 10 months...we are getting married on 10-1-05 and were engaged 12-8-04....it was the perfect amount of time. I booked each major thing each month and was done booking EVERYTHING last month. October is the busiest wedding month in the Hudson Valley and I was still able to plan it all in less than a year- I was able to get all my top choices. Plus, if I had to wait another year to get married I would lose it...I am already sick of wedding "stuff" and can not WAIT to get married...3.5 months to go and counting!!!

Good luck

 

[eks6426]

It seems like 2 years is a REALLY long time to worry about planning a wedding, when what you really want is to be married. It''s easy to loose sight of the real purpose of the wedding when confronted with so many choices. So, if you are ready to actually be MARRIED to your fiance, then you should do it in 2006. The rest will work itself out. You should have plenty of time to plan unless you live in a really tight market. Besides, your fiance probably doesn''t want to hear about wedding details for 2 years...1 will probably be bad enough to him. I just have seen so many people plan long engagements that they get so involved in the planning and then start bickering with each other instead of just going with the joy & enthusiasum they had when they got engaged. It''s easy to loose sight of each other when confronted with day after day of things like, "should I have pink napkins or white, or what kind of favors etc.?" Just my $.02.

 

[codex57]

July 06 is the best. Ideally, you do it before law school. Seriously, it''s best if you do it before he starts law school. Plus, your parents will be a year younger.

Summer 07 would be the next choice. The main disadvantage he''d have is that he''d have to plan around his post 1L job. If the wedding date is set, it might limit him as to what internship he can get. Not all judges/law firms/whatever are that flexible in terms of dates for their summer positions. You may force him to give up a great opportunity that would help you both for teh rest of your lives. Before you get stressed out too much over that, the 1L summer job is less important than the 2L summer job. But, the summer jobs are often stepping stones. A good 1L job (along with grades and law review and stuff) can lead to a great 2L job which will lead to a great job post graduation. If you do decide to do it in Summer of 07, do it right after his finals or 2 weeks before classes start up again. That way, with planning, he can get in the wedding and honeymoon without interrupting any law stuff.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 6/13/2005 6:20:24 PM
Author: MelissaSue
If you''re going to do it in 2006.. you better start planning now. Like.. today. You won''t believe how many vendors I ran into 14-18 months in advance that were already booked.

I find this very true if you want a) a Saturday wedding with b) large number of guests. I find it less true when the party is smaller and/or when the couple is willing to consider a Friday or Sunday wedding.

I became engaged in November of 2003; didn''t book my ceremony site (which is quite popular, by the way) until December, 2003 for a July 2004 wedding. If I had been stuck on Saturday, it would have been tough, but lots of Sundays in June/July were still wide open then.

Not only are venues typically cheaper on the off days, but you are much more likely to get the vendors you want because you aren''t competing with 12 other couples also getting married on a Saturday. What about a Friday night candlelight ceremony at dusk? How about a Sunday afternoon?

JCJD, you''ve noted that you''ve scaled back and plan to go smaller/more intimate. I don''t know what "more intimate" or smaller means to you in terms of #s (50/75/etc), but I will say that it''s easier to find venues when your party is smaller, too.

I''m glad I didn''t have longer than 7 months to plan. In December/January, I booked ceremony site, reception site, caterer, and photographer; found/ordered my dress. Then a huge area in the middle where nothing had to be done. Then two busy months to finalize flowers/limo/license, etc. I would have gone stir-crazy if it was stretched out longer than that!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thank you so much for the insights ladies - Jellybean that was especially helpful with the insight about law school - I told FI that one and he seems to be leaning a bit more towards the 1 year now.

Melissa - thanks so much for the insights. I was worried about availability but most of the places we are looking at aren''t super-popular (we can''t afford the super-popular places

). Plus the fact that we are having a Sunday wedding seems to really help (Jewish wedding) ''cause I guess Sunday just isn''t nearly as popular as Saturday, which makes sense.

Anyway thank you again everyone and if additional ladies come across this thread please feel free to contribute additional insights/experiences. PS is so awesome

 

[codex57]

Hey, I''m a guy. Ignore the pink and purple avatar. I should change that thing.

 

[JCJD]

If you''re worried about stressing over the details, you should have a shorter engagement. You can reason this with the FI by pointing out that when you''re stressed, you''ll (if you''re anything like me!) end up taking it out on him, which I''m sure neither of you want to happen. On the other hand, if you want to relax and take your time with the details and research everything thoroughly, you should have a longer engagement. However, with law school starting, I think the shorter engagement is a better plan.

Like Al, I''m really glad we only have 7 months to plan. My FSIL planned her wedding in 3 months long distance! I just don''t have the time, energy, or desire to think about so many details. I''m also a grad student, so I know the time and stress issue.

And besides - the shorter your engagement, the sooner you''ll be married! And that is the goal of this whole engagement thing, right?

 

[windy1365]

We were engaged for one year and three months and I hated it. It took forever to be here. I wanted a six month engagement. That would have been perfect... I would still have been in the glow of being engaged instead of totally stressed out about everything being perfect b/c we had spent so long planning it.

 

[blueroses]

All of my friends who had longer engagements told me that when it was my turn, in NO uncertain terms, I should get it done as quickly as I could--I think it''s like anything else--you will let the work fill the time you have--if it''s 6 months, you get it done. If it''s 18 months, you stretch it out and get it done.

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[Momoftwo]

I was engaged for 7 months and planned my wedding in 4 months. Church wedding, no hall, reception in my parents back yard, 24 years ago. I preferred the shorter engagement. After all, the whole point of an engagement is to get married and the wait can seem forever. My feeling and this has been discussed before on other threads, is you should be get engaged when you''re ready to marry the person that day.

 

[njc]

I''m all for the shorter too. I totally agree with Blueroses... you get everything done according to how long you have. And Momoftwo made a good point that when you get engaged it means you should be ready to marry that person that day. And whoever was complaining about wanting to get all the planning done and over with... im right there with you and ive only been at it for 5 months!

We started booking things mid Jan 2005 and are getting married Aug 6th. We had good luck with getting the vendors and sites we wanted, on the dates we wanted (Saturdays even!). So, i really think its just luck of the draw (we are right outside of DC), but having the date being a Sunday will definatly help!

I think you will be happier in the long run with the shorter engagement. The longest any of my friends have taken is 8 months (24&26), the shortest 4 months (22&21)!.

 

[ame]

There''s nothin wrong with a 2 year engagement. You can spread things out better financially and while the length of time absolutely SUCKS you can have the wedding you want and not skimp.

 

[heart prongs]

This is a tough one...I actually enjoyed all the girly excitement and the anticipation that went along with being engaged (we were engaged for 11 months -- he asked in 9/03 -- married 8/04). Because I'm a teacher, we chose to have a summer wedding. Had he asked later than he did, around December as I was expecting, we definitely would have not been able to plan the wedding we wanted without tons of stress and taking whatever was available vendor-wise. (We live around Boston) There's no way we would have been able to choose as carefully as we did and, therefore, we would have been getting married this August instead of last August....

I like to focus on one thing at a time and really enjoy things as they are happening -- I also like always having something to look forward to. When the wedding's over, it's over...and it's such an amazing day that I just don't see any need to rush it if it's going to cause extra stress. Being engaged...I think there's just something magical and special about it...when you think about it, everyone is either single or married, right? You're only super-special (and I like that kind of attention) when you're about to get married. Apparently having a baby is like that too...but we're not there...yet! And besides, then it's all about the baby...not you!

You also get to do a lot more shopping, which is also fun, and rationalize over-the-top spending with statements such as, "Well...it is for the wedding/honeymoon!!!"

I love being married, and it's great building our lives together. But, after the wedding and honeymoon are over, you really do go back to being just regular people again. Nobody calls to ask how dress shopping went or to ask all the details of the fabulous honeymoon. My husband commented the other day on how nobody cares about us anymore! He was totally kidding around, but he's right! Good luck with whatever decision you make!

klr

 

[fire&ice]

We did the close to 2 year thing. Hubby wanted to finish grad school. In retrospect, that wasn''t a good plan. It was tough trying to find "us" time living apart. It probably put more strain on the relationship & his class work. BUT, aside from that reason, we are glad we waited as some things came up that would have been tough to deal with if I wasn''t living at home.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 6/14/2005 8:54:07 PM
Author: blueroses
I think it''s like anything else--you will let the work fill the time you have--if it''s 6 months, you get it done. If it''s 18 months, you stretch it out and get it done.

Hahaha - this is so true. Mara got engaged nearly a year before I did, and our weddings were 2 months apart. Shd had about 18 mos to plan; I had 7.

She mentioned at the time that having a longer time to plan wasn''t a plus because it let her keep considering different options and didn''t force decisions any sooner. We were both printing out invites and going psycho about the same things at the same time.....no matter HOW long you have, you''ll end up with last minute stuff.

 

[snow_happy]

A one year engagement sounds so nice

I too am tempted to shorten the "long engagement" but FI says it will be rushed, he wants to concentrate on school... all good points I guess

.

Well, I just finished my preliminaries (similar to your qualifiers maybe?) which were KILLER. I was completely stressed for weeks, maybe months in advance. There''s so much pressure (for us our admission depends on passing the test). I couldn''t imagine planning a wedding or thinking about anything else for that matter... except for prelims. I mean it completely consumed me. That''s the only thing I would watch out for when deciding your wedding date. It could vary per school (and per person) but for me I wanted to really concentrate on passing the test.

Good luck

 

[Rockchick]

Date: 6/15/2005 4:20:53 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 6/14/2005 8:54:07 PM
Author: blueroses
I think it''s like anything else--you will let the work fill the time you have--if it''s 6 months, you get it done. If it''s 18 months, you stretch it out and get it done.

Hahaha - this is so true. Mara got engaged nearly a year before I did, and our weddings were 2 months apart. Shd had about 18 mos to plan; I had 7.

She mentioned at the time that having a longer time to plan wasn''t a plus because it let her keep considering different options and didn''t force decisions any sooner. We were both printing out invites and going psycho about the same things at the same time.....no matter HOW long you have, you''ll end up with last minute stuff.

Boy, that is SO true! I have had about 18 months, but still have a lot of stuff to do!.. grrrr

 

[regalada]

I would not want to plan a wedding as I prepare for prelims/candidacy exams/comprehensive exams. I did those a couple of years ago and I could not focus on anything else for months before I took them. I cleared my plate of anything that would pose a distraction from studying. Saying the months leading up to them were grueling is an understatement.

I finished my degree in May and in April my BF and I decided to get engaged. We are planning on a year-long engagement to plan our very small wedding at a good pace and, most of all, enjoy being engaged! We are both in our early thirties and most of our friends are married, yet we feel waiting until I was done with school was the best thing we did because it allowed me to stay focused on my studies and now I will be free to enjoy the engagement and the planning.

Good luck!