other people''s relationships

[supergirl10]

I have just found out that a male part of a couple i know (through aquaintences) is cheating on his wife. It just makes me sad cos presumably she has no idea and more importantly for all the time i have known them they seem like they are really really happy and deeply in love with each other and I know its what everyone says ... but i just CANNOT fathom him cheating but i know he is ....

I know that there really isn't any point to this post and i know others have posted before me sayin exactly the same thing ... it just makes me think gosh is there really any hope for relationships or more importantly my relationship with FI?
When all off the rest of the world seems to be cheating, having family problems, divorces, fertility problems etc .... how can people ever make a relationship last, even if your were certain your realationship was strong enough. I mean if they can't make it work, how could anyone possilbly expect to be married forever?

 

[cocolaw]

good people make mistakes, but i think the most important thing is to find someone who shares your values. i''ve done that, and i think that is as close to protecting your marriage from cheating as you can get! i know how disgusted and upset you are though-i have a friend who is doing the same thing..only she is the cheater! it used to really upset me...we got engaged around the same time and i was upset that engagement seemed to mean another piece of jewelery to her, and something obviously way more to me. but i thought about it and a lot of people on this board chimed in and explained that people get married for different reasons, and they have different values. that said, i feel bad for her fiance and i certainly do not approve of her behavior, but i know that it has no bearing on my relationship with my fiance..no cheaters here

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think that sometimes people can put on "happy faces" ... but still waters can run very deep.

I was friends with a couple, very good friends actually. I knew their relationship inside and out, so I knew that there were issues...but they managed to fool her entire family for over 2 years. They never knew. And please believe me, their problems were very serious--gravely so. When they were with her family they were all smiles and love...but privately, they were living hell, to be perfectly frank.

I think you could get a case of the "what if''s"...but you can''t. All you can do is hope for the absolute best, and try your hardest every single day...the rest, well it''s all a chance and bit of fate.

 

[doodle]

My best friend''s parents are currently separating (today actually--my best friend''s dad moved out today) after having been married for 30 years, so I get what you mean, but you have to realize that all relationships are a leap of faith, and faith is blind. You have no guarantees when you sign up to spend the rest of your life with someone that the rest of your life will necessarily be what you want it to be, but you love that person enough to take that risk, and even if it doesn''t work out in the long run, once upon a time, you had that kind of love, you know? Hopefully forever lasts forever, and if it doesn''t, you respect each other enough to end it in a way that is respectful of what you once shared. Even if it doesn''t work out happily ever after, at least you had that kind of happiness for however long you had it. I guess I think of it kind of like the quote in Steel Magnolias: "I''d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

 

[Haven]

Oh, how awful for your friends. I''m sorry to hear that.

I understand how you feel, Supergirl. My father left my mother two months after my own wedding (and 30 years after theirs,) and his parents divorced after 50 years of marriage, so I had a minor meltdown about marriage and spent a few hours terrified that I had just entered into a doomed institution.

Of course, I bawled my eyes out to my DH about my fears, and he calmed me down by reminding me that we are not my parents, and we are not my grandparents, and all we can do is continue to make choices that are for the good of our relationship, and our lives.

And that''s what we''re doing, and it''s worked thus far.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Sure it''s easy to doubt your relationship when you see others behaving badly, and disrespecting their own relationships. However, only and you and your partner know what''s in your hearts, and if *you* are committed to the relationship, loving and respecting *your* partner (and vice versa), then you have done all that you can to ensure that your union will be a strong one.

I know it''s hard to see people who you *thought* were happy all of a sudden unhappy, but you have no way of knowing what their life is really like, when they are in their home, by themselves. The last thing a troubled couple needs is to have their not so close friends in their business, and being the subject of countless gossip. That''s why in public they act like life is perfect. That''s what they want you to think.

 

[Kelli]

I know what you mean about it making you question your own relationship. Sometimes it does seem like nothing good can last. All you can do though is work on your own relationship and try to beat the odds.

My sister''s husband actually says that with certain statistics and all, every couple they hear about splitting up just ups their chances of lasting. Weird way to look at it and he''s really joking, but it''s something.

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:19:21 PM
Author: Kelli
I know what you mean about it making you question your own relationship. Sometimes it does seem like nothing good can last. All you can do though is work on your own relationship and try to beat the odds.

My sister''s husband actually says that with certain statistics and all, every couple they hear about splitting up just ups their chances of lasting. Weird way to look at it and he''s really joking, but it''s something.

Funny timing.. My BF and I have been talking about this a lot lately and I think that last line is so true.. When you see other couples who split up or who you know are cheating, it opens the door for conversations that you normally wouldn''t have. It''s just eye-opening to see all of it and talk about things that would cause those situations in our relationship and how we are working or will work to deal with those situations before they get out of control. It also helps put our arguments and issues in perspective. Just because we can''t put on our happy faces one day doesn''t mean we are a horrible couple.. It means we''re normal! No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect, no matter how perfect it seems..

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Funny, I just encountered the same situation last week, and his couple has a toddler. I know a significant number of people cheat (I know know exact number), but it is always weird when you see it happening and the other person dosn''t know.

I''ve been cheated on, and I don''t think I could ever see myself subjecting someone to that kind of pain. I am pretty upfront, so I try to address relationship issues before things get to that point. But me and my BF are going to be in a LDR. At best, we will be living 4 hours apart. It will be a test for us. I can''t control everything, but I think I am going into it with the thought that this is going to take a lot of work, and this relationship is not just going to continue to be strong just on cruise control.

 

[sba771]

Date: 6/24/2009 9:32:13 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think that sometimes people can put on ''happy faces'' ... but still waters can run very deep.

.

This is SO true! My family did this for 20+ years. Everyone was so shocked when my parents got divorced and up until then everyone thought my dad was awesome. We were amazing at putting on happy face and a united front.

What I learned from my experience is yes, things happen and people do cheat, however after seeing what it can do to a family I know that while I cannot control other people''s actions I can control mine and will never do that. I also made sure I found someone who shared the same values as me and sometimes it comes down to faith and hoping for the best.