Our wedding invitation was rescinded!!!!????

[CdnBlingGal]

I just need to vent here. We were preparing to fly back East (Toronto) for my Dh''s daughter''s wedding on July 17th. Well, on Saturday as I was preparing to host a bachelorette party for my gf, John (dd''s fiance) calls looking for Dh. My conversation was pleasant with him and since he was looking for Dh, I told him to call him on his cell. Great. My thought was he was going to ask Dh if he can do something special for his daughter at the wedding. Boy, was I wrong.
A couple of hours later, Dh calls me and tells me that they had to rescind the invitation. I almost fell on the floor.

A little history... In May 08, my Dh''s daughter emails her dad extending him an olive branch to rebuild their relationship because she misses him. She and her fiance (at the time we thought she was already married - we heard this through the grapevine) were coming out to BC for a week in June and wanted to know if we can meet up and do some stuff together. My Dh decided to give her a chance and see how things go. The week came and went. By the time they left, my Dh was impressed by her and her fiance. He was happy hat she has grown up and finally found a good man.

Before they left, they asked us if we would fly back to attend their wedding. Dh told them we would do so but also advised her that there maybe some resistance from her mom''s side of the family. And he told them both that it is their wedding and he didn''t want to have the main focus be on him cause it will be. Dh and his ex''s family never got along. They have not seen each other since Dh left Ontario over 25 years ago.

My Dh and I decided to give her something special for her wedding day. I contacted Whitflash to get a halo bezel pendant with a blue sapphire center made for her.

So, a few days later his daughter calls and tells us that a couple of her uncles will not be attending the wedding anymore. Guess why? Yup, because Daddy O is coming home. There is a long history with his ex''s family that I won''t go into.

Okay, at this point we were still going. Then the phone call this past Saturday. John, told Dh that 1 1/2 weeks before the wedding, mom''s side of the family were causing major grief for them. Telling them that they won''t be attending the wedding if her Dad attends so on and so forth. They both didn''t know what to do but ask us not to attend.

My Dh was very understanding but disappointed at the same time. From they day they asked us to go, he made them aware that something like this would happen. And it has.

So, we''ve got our airfare. I am glad we had not booked our hotel. But we decided to take advantage of the time off and trip. We''re going to make it a holiday for us. We will go fly back, give his daughter and John a call and see if they want to meet for supper when we arrive. From there we will head off to Niagara Falls for the rest of the time. We have decided not to give her the pendant as planned. I will get it for my anniversary gift instead.

25+years why can people not put their animosity aside for someone for just one day? Are they that shallow?


Well, if you made it this far, I thank you for reading. I am just rambling hoping I make sense in the process.

 

[Miranda]

I''m so sorry for you and your DH. This must be so difficult. I can''t believe your DH''s ex and her family would be so immature and put his daughter through this.

 

[cara]

Hmm...

I hope you can put aside your (justified) hurt and miffed-ness at the rescinded invite and carry on rebuilding the relationship between your husband and his daughter. Just because you warned her it would be a hard situation, and clearly anticipated that her mother''s side would be difficult, doesn''t mean a girl can''t hope against hope that her parents and their siblings would be adults on the big day.

As for whether or not the difficult relatives are shallow, I don''t know. Rather than shallow, they may be self-centered. They may be very immature and think that what they are did is right. They may be protecting themselves and their emotions at your step-daughters expense. Whatever, it is very sad.

But I think that it is telling that you did not mention what had led to this long estrangement. It does matter, and there are instances in which people would still, 25 years later, not be OK with a certain person.

And forgive me if I am reading this wrong, but if your husband has not seen his ex in 25 years, he has probably missed some substantial parts of his daughter''s life. It is also not clear from your letter what led to the estrangement between father and daughter, but the divorce and moving far away probably didn''t help.

Maybe the necklace would be a nice token, depending on how your dinner invitation is received. And depending on if the happy couple is considerate and grateful that you are making it easy on them by not attending despite your plans. Whatever, I have pity for your stepdaughter. It is no fun to have parents tear into each other.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am really floored. I feel so badly for you, your DH and his daughter. People need to GROW up. It''s not all about them, think about the daughter, she deserves to have her Dad there. Sad indeed. I really have no words.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that''s a tough situation. I just hope you don''t blame his daughter...it sounds like she did what she had to do to keep the family that raised her happy. She was made to feel like she had to choose, and she chose who she was closest to. It''s unfortunate that she was put in that position, but I think most people would have done the same thing.

Maybe you can send her the necklace anyways and she can wear it or have it with her on her wedding day as a reminder that her dad is thinking of her...

 

[luckystar112]

I think it''s great that she wanted to repair the relationship and she extended an invitation to you two. But the fact that you thought she was already married sort of says a lot about their relationship.

Still, growing up without a dad, my mom''s side has never held any animosity toward him, and when he was planning on coming to my wedding (before I changed plans) they were completely fine with it. There comes a point in time when it is no longer their battle, and if the daughter is an adult then she should be able to make her own decisions. I''m glad that you are still going to take the trip and will find time to meet up with her and her husband while you are there. It was probably really hard for her to make that decision, which is why she had her FI call.
With that being said though....I have to say that I think it''s really sad that you aren''t going to give her the necklace you specifically designed with her in mind! Can I ask why that is? Because you''re angry? I''m sorry, but that makes things seem even worse.

Forgive me for all the assumptions! I think there is more to the story that we aren''t getting, and probably with good reason...but from what you''ve written it seems like this is a very tangled web.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is terrible when people let something from so long ago color and ruin a special day for their child or family member. Shame on them. I am sorry you and your hubby are left to feel bad.

 

[October2008bride]

Wow! That is really sad! Must be so difficult for all parties involved.

It sounds like you are being understanding at least about the position your DD is in - so that is good. I can imagine that last thing the daughter wants is family drama overshadowing such a happy day!

I think it is great that you are flying out anyways and having dinner with the bride and groom - my 2 cents is to give her the necklace anyways. Clearly she wanted you both there and felt *stuck* between the two sides. She likely made the only choice that was feasible, even though it wasn''t what she really wanted.

You made the pendant for her - I think it will be really touching if you give it to her at dinner and let her know that you understand why the invite was recinded, and will be thinking of her on her wedding day, and that you are grateful that you and your DH are building a relationshiop with her and her FI.

It is really unfortunate though - I''m sorry that you are all having to deal with this!

 

[LaraOnline]

I feel very sorry for you, and hope this ''vent'' makes you feel better!
Cara''s post really covers everything...the main thing now is to rebuilt the relationship with your step-daughter.
As a daughter, she is in a position to ''not have to take sides'', but other people, who were adults at the time of the break up, may still have wounds they nurse.
As your man has said himself, it''s better not to have resentment between older parties ruin the day for the newly weds!
Perhaps it is better to spend quality time with your daughter separately from the rest of the family.
I say give her the necklace, wish her well for her wedding, and get them to come visit after the honeymoon! You''ve got the rest of your lives to get to know her, and to be friends with her!

 

[Maisie]

What an awful situation for you all. I feel sad that the other side of the family can''t put their feelings aside for one day.

I agree with the others. You should still give her the necklace. I don''t see why you wouldn''t want to. Its not like she has just decided she doesn''t want him there. It seems to me that she has been forced to choose between the majority of her family and the father who she hasn''t really seen for a long time. I bet she is upset that he can''t be there.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that there must be more to this story to explain the estrangement in the first place. I give the daughter credit for extending the olive branch. I think the least a parent can do in that circumstance is "give her a chance." I didn''t read anything about criminal or psychotic behaviors that would make her seem like someone to be estranged from, so I am wondering if she was a casualty of the divorce. How old was she when your husband stopped having contact with her? Old enough to be held responsible for her actions? (In other words, maybe she shouted, "I hate you!" when she was 14, but didn''t we all?)

Life is short, and we can only move forward. I wouldn''t hold this against her. You thought she was already married, but no, the truth is that she wanted her dad to know she was getting married, wanted him to be there, wanted him to be in her life. But the circumstances surrounding the estrangement have come to a head and she has had to choose between long-lost dad and the people who have been in her life for the past 25 years. I don''t blame her. I think the necklace would mean a lot to her. You might even give it to her before the wedding as her "something blue" to wear. Then her dad will be with her in spirit. She won''t have to walk down the aisle thinking, "I wish my dad cared about me." Because I suspect that this is a wound in her heart -- that even if she knows intellectually that her dad cares, she doesn''t always FEEL that way.

My brother-in-law didn''t invite his mother to his wedding, and we invited her but not her husband to ours (there IS psychotic and criminal behavior behind these decisions). Still, as unstable and dysfunctional as she is, I at least give her credit for respecting our wishes. When the same BIL was in the hospital and then wanted her by his side, she went. She could have said, "But you wouldn''t let me come to your wedding!" (and frankly, part of me is surprised that she didn''t). In other ways and at other times she has lashed out/manipulated/abused/lied, but at least when it was "our day" or a real time of need, she managed to get her priorities straight. Isn''t that what parents do?

 

[Bia]

How terrible. I am so sorry for you and your poor husband--so disappointing. I can never understand why families put each other through this type of stress, especially their children! It is one day. ONE DAY! I can't imagine it was easy for your hubby's daughter to rescind on their invitation...I can't imagine having to choose, and therefore I don't have any real advice. Only to say that it is very unfortunate.

On the bright side, it is nice that you'll be going away for a romantic holiday and will receiving a beautiful piece of jewelry to celebrate your anniversary! Congrats on that!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I'm really sorry that this situation didn't work out for the better for everyone involved, but I can really relate to your daughter's predicament. I myself am only sometimes in touch with my father and he was not involved in my life as I was growing up. I hope you can understand that whatever the reasons for their estragement, and regardless of his ex-wife's behavior or his daughter's behavior, ultimately as the parent it was his responsibility to maintain contact with his child. If he did not, then it may take a long time for those wounds to heal. Perhaps his daughter is ready to begin forgiving him, but obviously the rest of the family is not. Although in a dream world it would be great if they could be adult about this and grin and bear it at the wedding, a wedding is a family event and I feel that their feelings are important and may even be valid. No one except them, and perhaps your DH, knows the extent of the pain that the divorce and subsequent estrangement caused his daughter and her family.

I applaud your efforts to be understanding about the situation. Too often a spouse stands in the way of a father being close with his children from a previous relationship, and your attitude about this situation is truly commendable. But I do encourage you to push your forgiveness even further and go ahead and give her the wedding gift you so thoughtfully bought. I can tell you as a daughter with an estraged father that it will mean so much to her that you make that effort to show your love and support, even if you cannot be there in person due to events from the past.

And have a great trip to Ontario! I love the Nigara region, it is just gorgeous this time of year.

 

[CdnBlingGal]

cara: My Dh and his ex are still in contact with each other. His ex has no problem with him going to the wedding. Sorry for the confusion. It was his ex''s family that he has not seen in over 25 years. This issue only has to do with her family not wanting dh to be there and we''re not talking about a normal family - the ex''s brothers pressed charges against her for allegedly stealing money. Who in their right mind would press criminal charges on their own sibling?
Anyways , my husband has been in his daughter''s life always. His daughters (he has 2) are the ones that come and go out of his life. They have made a lot of wrong choices in their earlier and later years but Dad was always there to pick up the pieces. Mom on the other hand only wanted to be the best friend and not the parent.

thing2of2: No, I certainly don''t blame my step daughter. One way or another she made her decision to keep peace with the family. After the intial dissappointment, we''re cool with it. Afterall, she lives in the same city with them. She and John are not close to them at all. They don''t talk to each other. They have spoken to us more in a week than they have spoken to them in one month. When she came into town, all she talked about is how screwed in the head that part of the family was. These are her exact words.

luckystar112: Like I mentioned above, Dad was always in their lives. It was their choice to go in and out of his life. They are both in their 30''s so were not talking about young women. She has made her decision as difficult as it was. We respect that. As to not giving her the pendant? That was Dh''s idea. I am still for it to give it to her but it''s ultimately Dh''s decision.

laraonline: I''m am better. Thank you. I''ve accepted the desicion she made. However, I''m just still a little flabbergasted that the ex''s family cannot suck it up for the sake of her wedding. We''re all adults here. Do they think my Dh is going to punch someone out? When John called Dh that day, he was miffed out of his mind with the family. He was very apologetic that it has come to this. He even told us to come anyways. We''re not. He didn''t care what they did.

phoenixgirl: Like I mentioned above, his daughters have made a lot of wrong choices in life. Drugs, stealing, abusing the welfare system - they''re not saints. They have always been able to contact their dad. Dad was always the one to pick up the pieces when they were in trouble. But that was all he was for. They were the ones that would move awys without a word - this is usually when they''ve done something their Dad would not approve of. We would get updates as to where they were from their mother as vague as it was.


So, anyways I know this probably confused everyone even more, but without having to air all the dirty laundry this is all I really want to get into. I''m glad I have somewhere to write my thoughts down and see feedback. In the end, I know we''ve done the right thing. I will update you with the pictures of the pendant when I get it and whether or not Dh will give it to her. Thank you all!

 

[CdnBlingGal]

Update: Dh and I will go as planned. We are planning to meet up with them fro dinner and give her the pendant.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 7/15/2008 10:20:30 PM
Author: CdnBlingGal
Update: Dh and I will go as planned. We are planning to meet up with them fro dinner and give her the pendant.

yay.

Class act.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/15/2008 10:20:30 PM
Author: CdnBlingGal
Update: Dh and I will go as planned. We are planning to meet up with them fro dinner and give her the pendant.

Thanks for clarifying your situation, you two sound like you are really being understanding and supportive of DH''s daughter through thick and thin. And that is wonderful that you are still showing your support by visiting them and giving them your gift. As LS said, class act indeed!

 

[blondebunny]

aww that sucks.. I have a similar story.. After my brother died..my dads side of the family blame him and he hasnt talked to any of them in a long time... well in may it was my graduation and at first I asked my father not to come because I didnt want there to be drama...But then in the long run I decided it was MY day and no one elses and told them to suck it up and deal with it because he was my father and I wanted him to be there and them there as well, and just deal with it..

I guess I finally felt got the guts to stick up for myself and what I wanted.. (kinda a same situation my BF had too with his graduation).

It is his daughters day and she should be allowed to have whomever she wants there..and should let them know that they should be respectful of what she wants, and they should do what she wants to make her happy because technically she will only have one wedding day, and she should never have any regrets about it.. I could understand if they were paying for it... but if not.. get over it, it was 25 years ago, seriously..I mean how hard could it be to put them on separate sides of the room??
Sorry just my .02...that subject gets me heated...grr

I saw your update and Im glad yall are going,maybe yall could sneak into the back of the ceremony unnoticable so you could watch them say there vows...thats the most important part.. Goodluck and I saw the pendant is gorgeous!

 

[LaraOnline]

I think you have vindicated yourselves by deciding to give the girl the pendant. Hopefully, she will wear it during the occasions surrounding the wedding, or even at the wedding itself! Giving a gift of this magnitude will probably speak volumes to her, even years after...
It is peculiar that members of the extended family have weighed in like this. Like the saying goes: ''ya can''t pick ya family!''
Still, better not to give them the opportunity to ruin the poor girl''s wedding. When is it again? Perhaps by wedding day it will all have blown over, and you''ll be going again?

I think your plan B - having her to dinner and not playing into any ''drama'' is really a great plan.

 

[cara]

Thanks for clarifying, and sorry for reading incorrectly between the lines!

You and your husband are standup folks. Hope your stepdaughter and her fiance will follow in the same mold - maybe someday they will make a different decision. Have a nice vacation!

 

[CdnBlingGal]

Thank you all for your support. I am definalty feeling better with this whole entire situation. Especially giving her the pendant.


Anyways, my husband spoke to his daughter this morning and told her that we will still be visiting Toronto but we will not be there for the wedding. She was estactic and excited that she was going to see us still. Which means a lot.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/16/2008 6:10:17 PM
Author: CdnBlingGal
Thank you all for your support. I am definalty feeling better with this whole entire situation. Especially giving her the pendant.



Anyways, my husband spoke to his daughter this morning and told her that we will still be visiting Toronto but we will not be there for the wedding. She was estactic and excited that she was going to see us still. Which means a lot.

That''s great, Cdn! Not a perfect situation, but what is? I''m glad you get to see her and that she''s excited to see you!

 

[phoenixgirl]

That's wonderful (well, not the not attending part, but doing all you can to be with her in spirit)!

 

[marcy]

I had to come read your story after it was mentioned in your pendant thread. I really admire what you and your husband did and am glad to see you still were able to go see her and give her something to wear on her special day.