Parent''s Blessing....

[lindsaylove]

Hi all!

I''ve been a member for a little while now, and although I love reading all the posts I haven''t been brave enough to post much anything of my own until now! Hopefully you all will be able to give me a little advice with this situation...

So I''ve been with my BF for nearly a year and a half, and I know that he will be proposing next month.

While we have talked about marriage at length, lately we haven''t talked about proposal specifics (because I believe as someone said in another post - he is doing the "shark" thing - being really secretive so that he can surprise me). I love that the proposal will be a surprise, but I''m wondering whether or not I should potentially (in his head) "ruin" the surprise by letting him know that it is important to me that he have "the talk" with my Dad prior to popping the question.

I am realizing now that I''m not sure that I made this clear to him before, and it is really important to me that he at least have a short conversation with my Dad / Mom about his plans. I''m a little worried that if I don''t say anything, he won''t talk to them at all (especially because he is extremely busy and my parents live about 2 hours away from us), but at the same time, I''m worried that if I say "BF, you know how you need to talk to my parents before proposing, right?" he''ll know that I know that it''s coming! Let me also stress how important it is to BF that this is a surprise...

Any thoughts on which would be the safer risk?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

maybe you could watch a movie in it together that has a scene with the guy asking the dad for his blessing (i.e. meet the parents or something) and then you could bring it up that you really would like him to do that whenever the time goes

that way he wouldnt know that you know unless of course he checks the history on your computer and finds pricescope lol

 

[bee*]

If it''s important to you, just say it to him. I did the same with D as it was important for him to say it to my dad, not as an asking permission kind of way, but just to let him know what he was doing. As it turns out, D already was going to do it, but he didn''t mind me mentioning it to him. I think that''s one of those things that a guy mightn''t think of unless it''s been mentioned before so it is probably a good thing to say it to him.

 

[Independent Gal]

It was important to me too that he ask my parents, and I just told him so.

If you''re worried he''ll think you''re interfering, what about having one of your friends clue him in? Do any of them know him well enough? They could chat and then just slip in "by the way, I thought I should tell you that Lindsay once mentioned to me that if she ever got engaged, it was really important to her that the guy get her dad''s blessing. Not sure whether you guys are on that track yet, but thought I''d mention it, just in case!"

An idea, anyway.

 

[eaglesgal]

My BF mentioned to me that he intended to talk to my parents, and I was glad because my parents are pretty traditional and would be touched. In fact, I just gave him their phone number yesterday so he can call and set up a day to meet in person! I also gave my mom a heads-up because I want her to tell my dad not to blab to everyone after the conversation...he has to wait until AFTER the proposal!

I would ask your BF if he plans on speaking with your parents. It''s perfectly ok to tell him that they''re traditional and would love this little gesture...that''s what I did. Clearly you''ve talked about getting engaged, so you don''t have to know exactly when he is going to propose to bring it up.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 2/25/2008 4:17:42 PM
Author: eaglesgal

I would ask your BF if he plans on speaking with your parents. It's perfectly ok to tell him that they're traditional and would love this little gesture...that's what I did. Clearly you've talked about getting engaged, so you don't have to know exactly when he is going to propose to bring it up.

I've already said this to my current BF. We've been together for 2 years, but in light of some recent issues between us, I don't know if we'll ever get engaged.....I am taking it day by day and waiting until I return from vacation to decide what's what....or to see if things improve.

My case is a little different. I've been married before and so has he. We're both over 35. My parents are both deceased and I no longer have living grandparents and don't have any uncles. But, my "keeper" is the older of my two brothers. He's a year and a half younger than I am, but he's always watched out for me, bailed me out of personal-life trouble, is my voice of reason, etc. I told my current BF that I would consider it respectful if he consulted my brother before considering getting engaged to me. This is very old-fashioned, I know, but it's important to me and I told him so. I would even go so far as to not marry anyone who thought this to be silly, strange, etc.....because, to me, it would show both disregard for my feelings and a personal character flaw. My ex-husband, when I told him this was important to me, said, "I refuse to ask anyone's permission to get married - especially someone who is younger than I am." This should have been a huge red flag to me, but wasn't, and stupid me proceeded anyway. And come to discover, after I'd been married and living in the same house with him, that my ex has a very negative disrespectful streak. In his mind, someone needs to be "worthy" in order to earn respect, and his definition of "worthy" is different than most people's. Since we've gotten divorced, I've learned that he has a lot of problems at work because he (as an engineer) demeans the shop floor workers at his company, because they are uneducated and many are not English literate. He also had a recent issue with disrespecting a new supervisor because she is a "she" and is 10 years younger than he is. The things you learn from mutual acquantances. Bad news indeed. Granted, I am doing a lot of connect-the-dots here, but it's relevant. In contrast, when I mentioned asking permission to my current BF (during an unrelated conversation many months ago), he saw no issue with it at all....

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If you two have conversations about marriage often, I would spark one up and mention that you would like him to seek permission from your parents.

I think it is a sweet and sentimental tradition...and it is really important to most women....it was very important to me, and my DH asked for my hand in marriage from my father, and to be honest, I wouldn''t have it any other way!

Honesty is the best policy, and you can be honest and open without ruining his surpise! Because you arent hunting for a date, or time, or place...you just want him to know what your expecations are, and good for you!

Win/Win!!!

 

[lindsaylove]

Thanks everyone for the great advice!!

It''s funny because I would have NO problem whatsoever bringing it up to him had I thought of it a few months ago... I just think I''m a little nervous since the proposal is only a couple of weeks away (I found this out accidentally) and he might take it to mean that I know something! We haven''t talked about anything wedding related recently, I think because he''s trying to throw me off. He is extremely respectful of my wishes with this kind of thing though and understands/loves my parents. If anything, I''m just worried that he forgot, not so much that he wouldn''t want to do it. So at least I don''t have to worry about it in that sense!

In my case, it''s not so much a conservative thing but just that I''m very close to my parents and it is something I''ve planned on doing out of respect since I was a little girl. I''m fairly young - 24 - but regardless of age l feel as though my BF should let them know of his plans so that they can wish him luck and give their stamp of approval, that sort of thing.

I think I may try the movie idea... that way he may be reminded of it "on his own". As much as this proposal is for me to enjoy and remember forever, it is also for him and I want it to be as special as possible for him as well - hence the effort to keep it looking like a total surprise. If he doesn''t take the hint though, I''ll just have to be a bit more direct.

Anyway ladies, thanks again!

 

[choro72]

Let us know how it goes! The movie sounds like a good idea.
For me, my BF picked up a "Will you marry me?" packet from Taco Bell, and jokingly showed it to me with a "Well...?" kind of look. I said no because he had to talk to my father.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

I actually did bring this up with my "sharky" now dubbed and he got a little stressed out because my parents are across the country. Boo.

Anyway, then I just told him he didnt have to see them in person *not like we can get the vacation time anyway* and just to do what he wanted.

I hope it works out for you, but I guess a more subtle approach than mine could be good... unless he doesn''t get it. Always a fine balance.

 

[LaraOnline]

I think that is an absolutely superb response from you.
When I was ''young, and knew everything'', I would have had that ''why should I'' attitude to going to my parents about being married.
However, regardless of how often you see your parents, if they are worthwhile people perhaps they have some good advice for you and your SO!
Knowing now how profound the love for a child is, I am hopeful that I will prove a worthy parent, and be in the inner circle regarding this important decision. For both my boy and my girl. (I''m pro-marriage)

 

[lindsaylove]

Lara - thanks for the kind words! I am really grateful for the relationship I have with my parents. You''re right - they definitley have great advice to give, especially about relationships. They''ve been married for 30 years and it''s so obvious that they are still so in love. I hope I have a marriage like that.

So, luck was on my side because ''Meet the Parents'' was randomly on TV last night!! BF loves that movie, even though we''ve seen in a zillion times, so we watched it for a while. I casually said to BF, "God it must be SO nerve racking to do something like that (try and talk to a Dad about marrying his daughter)" and BF says "Well with a Dad like that, maybe. Luckily for me your Dad is a lot more approachable, and totally cool." I assume that indicates that the "talk" is either going to happen or already has.

Woo hoo, problem solved! Thanks for the advice!

 

[bee*]

woohoo! That''s great!

 

[cammy85]

I''m kind of in the same boat - not nearly as close to you as having some bling, but I know where you are coming from.

My bf and I have talked a lot about things, engagement, marriage all that stuff. I mentioned at some point that I thought it would be a nice gesture to talk to my parents before actually ''popping the question.'' Not exactly to get their blessing (at least I know they like him a lot anyway!), but maybe as a way for them to feel involved in the process as well.

I would agree with the movie idea, or a tv show or anecdote where that comes up as a situation - and maybe just mention how important it would be for your family to be involved with this very special day for you. Even if it just comes up lightly in conversation, I am really not sure it would lead him to believe you know what is going on.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

 

[LaraOnline]

You know your family ''culture'' much better than me

but even if he proposes - and then you discover he HASN"T talked to your family yet, it''s not a total disaster, by any means.

After all, you still have to say yes!

Just send him off to mum and dad before you give him a formal answer.

Sounds like its going in just the right direction, anyway.

all the best!!

 

[glueck]

Awesome Lindsay that fate was on your side via the TV last night. Way to go girl!!