parents, money and the wedding

[Smurfysmiles]

Ok so I know that when your parents help pay for the wedding that it is normal for them to get their way a lot. And I''m fine with that...except for this...

My parents are literally forcing me to learn how to ballroom dance for the father daughter dance. And I told them I''m not comfortable with it; that I was nervous I was gonna forget the steps, etc. Well their response was "Well your sisters wouldn''t do it so you HAVE to do it". I''m so upset, I just want a regular dance I can enjoy and not have to worry about.

Has anyone else been put in this situation before? They are sending me home with a cd that explains how to do the dances and they expect me to come in November with it perfected. They also suggested fi and I do the same for our first dance and I drew the line there and said that they had no control over how we danced to our first dance.

Oh did I mention that I spent HOURS searching for the perfect father daughter song and then my dad was like no you have to dance to one I picked out and you cannot hear it until we dance to it. Now I''m gonna be worrying about doing some ballroom dance to a song I''ve never even heard before, what if it has a weird beat and is hard to count to?

I feel like I have a huge knot in my chest I can''t get out, they won''t even listen to my concerns!!!

 

[ficklefaye]

i''m sorry to hear this smurfy, if you sisters didn''t do it, why do you have to?

 

[cakeny]

Why can''t you listen to the song until the actual dance?

 

[kittybean]

Hmm . . . this is strange. I see no reason at all for not allowing you to hear the song you''ll be dancing to. Also, why wouldn''t you practice with your dad before the big day if he wants you to have the dance mastered? Your dad''s lead may not be perfect (since I''m assuming he''s not a professional ballroom dancer), and if you don''t have some basic knowledge of how he leads, I guarantee there could be some unpleasant surprises come dance time.

In addition, did they not tell you what kind of ballroom dancing you''re going to do? A foxtrot is quite a bit different from a waltz or rumba, and there can even be subcategories within each dance style (East Coast v. West Coast swing, for example).

If you have no ballroom experience, you will not learn it from a CD. You need to practice with a real live partner--preferably, with your partner and a professional dance instructor as well.

Smurfy, you seem to have the oddest wedding-related situations crop up (you poor thing)! I think you should talk to your parents like a rational adult and explain to them the difficulties of learning a dance you don''t know to a song you don''t know without an instructor or partner. Their request doesn''t seem to make sense. Perhaps if you pointed that out in a polite manner--meaning not just telling them it''s not what you want since they seem pretty set on doing what they want--they might realize that it''s not feasible and modify their request.

Oh, and I don''t think who''s paying for the party makes any difference here. If your parents make a reasonable request of you to do something they would really like to do, I think you should try and compromise with them. If the request is unreasonable, try to explain that and suggest a different option. It really doesn''t feel good to be at odds with parents or bridesmaids or other important people in your life over your wedding. I hope you can figure this one out so that everyone will feel good about the result.

P.S. Ballroom dancing is really fun! If you get a chance to take some dance lessons, I highly recommend it. My new DH and I had a fantastic time learning some new dance styles to use at our wedding, and it was a really fun bonding experience. I hope you get a chance to do it as well, whether for your wedding or later in your life.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Smurfy I''m sorry you''re having issues. IMO I think you might be taking this a little too personally. To me this request is really minor and given that this is supposed to be a special moment shared between you and your dad it makes sense to go with what he wants. Maybe it''s always been his dream to ballroom dance with his daughters. Forget your sisters and stop being selfish. Do you really want to withhold something that''s so special to your father? This seems so minor in the grand scheme of things and if this is all they''re asking for then you''re doing a lot better than some other brides here. Just my $.02.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

yeah i totally understand where you are coming from hudson hawk, i just am trying to find a way to do this without falling on my face in front of everyone

I mean if i could at least listen to the song so i can practice to that maybe that would help with my nerves... i''ve played many instruments over the year and even i know there is a difference between a 3/8 and a 2/4 time signature. also im concerned about the dress getting in the way trying to do the steps and i wont have that to practice in either. i honestly wasnt planning on doing complicated dancing in it when i picked it out lol, had i known he wanted to do this i would have gotten one with a skirt that would be less likely to get in the way. more than anything, im trying to find a way to accomplish this without breaking my ankle in the process. im considering seeing if i can talk to my mom and getting her to tell me the name of the song so i can at least take a listen to what it sounds like quick...does anyone think that would be a bad idea?

i know i was venting before, i have a tendency to say things, think them through, then come to what i actually have going through my head later, yes not a good thing i know but i am working on it...please be patient with me

 

[miraclesrule]

Smurfy...

Girrrl, you can''t let something like this get you this unsettled or you are going to L.O.S.E it during the final stretch to the wedding. That last month will have you ready to hit the eject button.

I think it''s sort of cheesy, cute, and charming that he wants to ballroom dance with you. Has he always loved ballroom dancing? Was this something he did or does with your Mom? Are you scared because he sucks at it? That''s what I''d be the most frightened of if I were you.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Smurfy-

Don''t have any advice about the dancing...I would be thrilled if my dad wanted to learn to ballroom dance for my wedding...but I don''t know about forcing me.

How was the rest of your weekend? How did the bridal shower and the bachelorette go? Did you get any pics?

 

[VRBeauty]

Are your parents ballroom dancers? Is it likely that he'll come up with something wildly elaborate? Is your father someone who has a sadistic streak and who wouldn't mind embarrassing you at your own wedding... just because he can?

Yaknow, I kinda agree with Mrs. Hawk on this one... unless you think your father is out to embarrass you for some reason, have a little faith and see if you can't meet him in the middle. As in OK, but... it has to be a waltz... or we have to agree to the music together... or I need to know what song you're picking so I can prepare for it.

State your case calmly then try to have fun with it. Because it's something you want to do for your dad, not because
you have to.




ETA nice to see you around again, Miracles!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i just thought i would insert that my parents are definitely not ballroom dancers lol, this is some weird fantasy hes had about dancing at one of his daughters weddings that i didnt even know about. i have no idea how good of a dancer he is and being 14 hours away i will not even have a chance to practice with him. i would just feel so much more comfortable if i could have the song to practice to. im all about making him happy but i dont think i should have to feel uncomfortable at our wedding to do it. he should at least be willing to compromise with me on that i think.

 

[Dannielle]

Oh Smurfy, You poor thing

I know that I have a particular song in mind for the father/daughter dance and would be disappointed if my Dad didn''t want to do it. Maybe you can do two dances?

I would call your parents and lay out your concerns about the size of your skirt/tripping over yourself in front of your guests and that you would feel a lot more confident if you knew the song/beat. This seems like a fair compromise to me.

Good luck!

 

[lala2332]

simple ballroom dancing steps are really not that difficult. If your dad isn''t some pro, I''m sure you will be fine. You just have to follow the lead. I woudl take a class or two, because learning how to follow a man''s lead and getting comfortable with the steps is going to be hard from a cd. I would bet that in two or three classes you will be fine. Maybe you and FI can go, so that the two of you are comfortable for your first dance as well.

 

[miraclesrule]

Dude, your Dad has quevos!! He''s not even a ballroom dancer. YIKES!

I hear you Smurfy. I would be a little unsettled having to rehearse without him. That''s awkward.

Sometimes you just have to look at people and say "wth? Are you freaking kidding me Fred Astaire!????

 

[katamari]

I can definitely understand why you might be upset, but just focus on how happy you will be that your dad gets to do something he has always wanted to do--something special between you and him that he couldn''t have with your sisters. Maybe that will be enough to encourage you through it!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

well i was giving the option of the foxtrot or the waltz, does anyone have an opinion on which is easier?

 

[sugarjo]

hey smurfhy...
dancing is scary... for real...
my fi and i took some lessons (i bought them as a v-day present 1.5 years ago) and could look up the name of the studio (in denver) for you tomorrow.. they were super awesome and super affordable.. i paid like 50 bucks for 2 sessions.... just can''t remember the name right now... i''ll look it up tomorrow....

even if you use your fi... a little confidence goes a long way....

 

[violet02]

Date: 7/21/2009 12:06:31 AM
Author: Smurfyimproved
well i was giving the option of the foxtrot or the waltz, does anyone have an opinion on which is easier?

Yes, the foxtrot. Learning to waltz is harder in my opinion due to the ''rise and fall'' required while you''re moving through the steps. I almost picked a waltz based song until my dj/choregorapher/friend talked me out of it. I think it''s too tough to tackle without a lot of practice.

My dad learned the foxtrot I believe before the wedding, he wanted to do that dance with me. I''m relatlvely good at dancing (ie I swing dance) so I said sure, and picked it up just before the wedding. It wasn''t super easy, we had one practice together but the song wasn''t super long and it made my dad really happy and in turn I was happy too.

I say give it a shot, your dad wants to dance with his little girl at her wedding and have it look lovely. I have to say people were impressed and entertained by our efforts and I had a great time.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/21/2009 12:06:31 AM
Author: Smurfyimproved
well i was giving the option of the foxtrot or the waltz, does anyone have an opinion on which is easier?

Good for you! Can''t wait to see the pics of you dancing with your dad!

 

[hughsie]

As a ballroom dancer, the consensus is that waltz is much much easier for a girl to pick up. Foxtrot steps involve a lot of heel work. Most of your backward steps will be dragging your heel back until it it under your body, then transferring the weight to the toe and sliding the foot back. This is hard to learn, although looks fantastic when done right. A basic waltz routine (basic steps around the room, with natural or spin turns at the corners) can be picked up quite quickly.

I would definitely recommend getting lessons. If only because you need to learn to follow. The steps will also be a lot lot easier in a studio with a teacher. Once you can dance, you can dance with any leader.

Good luck! I am so excited for you, and hope it goes really well.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/20/2009 10:33:26 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
i just thought i would insert that my parents are definitely not ballroom dancers lol, this is some weird fantasy hes had about dancing at one of his daughters weddings that i didnt even know about. i have no idea how good of a dancer he is and being 14 hours away i will not even have a chance to practice with him. i would just feel so much more comfortable if i could have the song to practice to. im all about making him happy but i dont think i should have to feel uncomfortable at our wedding to do it. he should at least be willing to compromise with me on that i think.

I think that''s sweet. Knowing this, I think you should do the ballroom dance lessons for the father-daughter dance. You have the chance to make his dream come true. I think you should also tell him that you''re going to do the bride-groom first dance the way you want to do it.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/21/2009 7:04:01 AM
Author: brightlight

Date: 7/20/2009 10:33:26 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

i just thought i would insert that my parents are definitely not ballroom dancers lol, this is some weird fantasy hes had about dancing at one of his daughters weddings that i didnt even know about. i have no idea how good of a dancer he is and being 14 hours away i will not even have a chance to practice with him. i would just feel so much more comfortable if i could have the song to practice to. im all about making him happy but i dont think i should have to feel uncomfortable at our wedding to do it. he should at least be willing to compromise with me on that i think.

I think that''s sweet. Knowing this, I think you should do the ballroom dance lessons for the father-daughter dance. You have the chance to make his dream come true. I think you should also tell him that you''re going to do the bride-groom first dance the way you want to do it.

I think the song it''s going to be a surprise for you

how sweet

 

[House Cat]

I think it''s sweet.

I wish:

a) My dad would be paying for my wedding.
b) That he would be putting the thought, time, and effort into picking out a song, practicing ballroom dancing, and wanting it to be a surprise for me.


You''re a lucky girl. Start counting your blessings!

 

[noelwr]

maybe you can tell your dad you know this means a lot to him (and now it means a lot to you) and you don''t want to mess up this important moment so will he please practice with you to the song?

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 7/21/2009 12:46:01 PM
Author: House Cat
I think it''s sweet.

I wish:

a) My dad would be paying for my wedding.
b) That he would be putting the thought, time, and effort into picking out a song, practicing ballroom dancing, and wanting it to be a surprise for me.


You''re a lucky girl. Start counting your blessings!

I''ve got to ditto this! Maybe it''s because I love to dance but I can''t imagine being upset about your father putting so much thought and energy into your wedding.

As far as dance choice, the music will dictate whether you do a waltz or fox trot or maybe he has two songs picked out? I would think the waltz would be easier for you to learn quickly. Sure there are nuances like rise and fall but honestly as long as you have the wasy 1-2-3 foot work down, you''ll be fine.

I think that looking back, you''ll be glad you had this special moment with your dad.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 7/20/2009 10:33:26 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
i just thought i would insert that my parents are definitely not ballroom dancers lol, this is some weird fantasy hes had about dancing at one of his daughters weddings that i didnt even know about. i have no idea how good of a dancer he is and being 14 hours away i will not even have a chance to practice with him. i would just feel so much more comfortable if i could have the song to practice to. im all about making him happy but i dont think i should have to feel uncomfortable at our wedding to do it. he should at least be willing to compromise with me on that i think.

exactly, smurfy. this is his fantasy - why should he not have one dance with one daughter the way he wants it?

the fact that the song is secret says to me that he is going to surprise you with something very sentimental and personal. your sisters didn't get that opportunity - make sure you're the smart daughter who takes 3 big minutes to smell the roses with your dad.

simply put, if you can count to three, you can waltz. if the worst comes to the absolute worst, you'll look like a loving daughter with her charming dad, spending 3 minutes together hugging each other on a dance floor while trying to waltz. do this with a good grace and a smile on your face, and that's about the worst it can possibly be. and trust me, everybody will think it's beyond sweet.

you're going on to a brand new life together with your new husband; don't miss the other angle of the wedding that this is a symbolic termination of hands on parenting. i'm aware you live away from home already, but getting married means your dad is sending his little girl officially off to her own life - this dance is HIS moment.

smurf, there's a lot worse things in life than a girl's dad wanting one last loving moment with his daughter - i think you're lucky!

hope you can see how honored you are that he wants this with you,

 

[Miscka]

Smurfy, your mom is ill, correct? And your parents live far from you? And are paying for your wedding?

Give in. Learn the dance. Your mom will love seeing it, it obviously means the world to your dad. Let them have this. You will be glad you did.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 7/21/2009 1:48:04 PM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 7/20/2009 10:33:26 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

i just thought i would insert that my parents are definitely not ballroom dancers lol, this is some weird fantasy hes had about dancing at one of his daughters weddings that i didnt even know about. i have no idea how good of a dancer he is and being 14 hours away i will not even have a chance to practice with him. i would just feel so much more comfortable if i could have the song to practice to. im all about making him happy but i dont think i should have to feel uncomfortable at our wedding to do it. he should at least be willing to compromise with me on that i think.

exactly, smurfy. this is his fantasy - why should he not have one dance with one daughter the way he wants it?

the fact that the song is secret says to me that he is going to surprise you with something very sentimental and personal. your sisters didn't get that opportunity - make sure you're the smart daughter who takes 3 big minutes to smell the roses with your dad.

simply put, if you can count to three, you can waltz. if the worst comes to the absolute worst, you'll look like a loving daughter with her charming dad, spending 3 minutes together hugging each other on a dance floor while trying to waltz. do this with a good grace and a smile on your face, and that's about the worst it can possibly be. and trust me, everybody will think it's beyond sweet.

you're going on to a brand new life together with your new husband; don't miss the other angle of the wedding that this is a symbolic termination of hands on parenting. i'm aware you live away from home already, but getting married means your dad is sending his little girl officially off to her own life - this dance is HIS moment.

smurf, there's a lot worse things in life than a girl's dad wanting one last loving moment with his daughter - i think you're lucky!

hope you can see how honored you are that he wants this with you

I think Whitby gave some great advice here. I think that we, as brides, can underestimate how much some of the wedding stuff means to our parents. My father was so sad when he realized that he wouldn't get his father-daughter dance at my wedding since we didn't have dancing. He has mentioned it a few times since. I personally don't like having a bunch of people staring at me while I dance but I would have sucked it up and had a good time with my dad had we done a bigger wedding.

Even if you two don't dance well together in the end, it will make for a great story.... "So, at my wedding, my dad and I actually tried to WALTZ! Could you imagine that? We bumped into each other and laughed the whole time. It was a special moment for us!"

 

[TravelingGal]

Smurfy, I would have given anything to have my father at my wedding to be able to WATCH me dance. He was sick and could not make it.

Don''t worry about dancing too much with your feet. Dance with your heart and you both will have a moment to treasure forever.