Parents'' reaction to your engagement?

[anchor31]

I''ve been wondering about this for a few days, and what GG said in her dress thread prompted me to start this topic.

For those who are already engaged/married: What was your parents'' reaction went you announced your engagement?

For those who aren''t engaged yet: What do you think their reaction will be?

I''d also like to know a bit of background... Were/are you close to your parents? Did/will your boyfriend ask for permission? and all sort of things that seem relevent to the situation. Also, how did you announce it?

I appreciate your insight.

 

[AsscherGirl]

I just got engaged a couple of weeks ago & my parents were ecstatic! They immediately got on the phone & called my grandma, their siblings & good friends

.

My fiancee asked permission, so they knew ahead of time, but didn''t know when he''d ask. I am close with my parents & so is my fiancee. We''ve actually known each other since he was in kindegarten (I was 3 at the time!) and my parents love him as their own child.

I didn''t want to tell my parents on the phone, so I called them & asked them to come over to help me with some stuff in our new house (we had just moved a week earlier). I had to bribe my dad by saying he could watch football if he came over

.

When they showed up at the door, I just flashed them my hand! Then there was some squeeling, some hugs & lots of congratulations! My dad had even saved a bottle of champagne in his car for the occassion (whenever it was going to happen!)

I am happy they (& my fiancee''s parents) are so happy. I couldn''t imagine them not wanting to be involved or not being very excited...

 

[AmberWaves]

Anchor, my parents are going to be so happy. Especially since we''ve been living in sin for over a year already! My family is already wringing their hands trying to figure out why it hasn''t happened yet. That hasn''t stopped them from asking about the wedding! His family already considers me family, especially since I''m the only one of his girlfriends they''ve ever met! His sister is more excited than I am. (I know, do you believe it?). She wants to go looking for dresses, even though the proposal isn''t here yet!! He''s going to ask my dad for permission, he already has my mom''s. He has to watch out, though. My dad and I are super close (we literally live 5 mintues away from him), and I bet my Dad would tell me!! Or I''d get it out of him. He''s not one for secrets.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 12/15/2005 3:32:50 PM
Author:anchor31
I''ve been wondering about this for a few days, and what GG said in her dress thread prompted me to start this topic.

For those who are already engaged/married: What was your parents'' reaction went you announced your engagement?

For those who aren''t engaged yet: What do you think their reaction will be?

I''d also like to know a bit of background... Were/are you close to your parents? Did/will your boyfriend ask for permission? and all sort of things that seem relevent to the situation. Also, how did you announce it?

I appreciate your insight.

I am hoping their reaction will be one of joy.
I am very close to my father and reasonably close to my mother, I talk to my parents nearly every day. V asked for my father''s blessing but not permission (just in case he said no!) and got it over Thanksgiving. We have been together for nearly five years and truth be told I think they like him at least as well as me. They liked him before we even started dating because he is such a positive influence in my life. The only concern they have is my going onto grad school. I know they discussed it when V and Daddy had "the talk" but neither will tell me what was said.
I have no clue how we will announce it I guess by going to all of our parents homes and telling them. I am actually more worried about his parents, I think they would like it better if I was Catholic, I started RCIA but dropped out after a very disturbing conversation with the deacon.
I will hopefully be able to tell you how things went VERY SOON.
How do you think things will go when you get engaged?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Well, they weren''t surprised. They were there (and in on) my proposal. They were happy but probably thought "finally!!!" We have been living in sin for awhile and they knew it was going to happen soon. I think my mom was just so glad my wait was over (it was a very hard, long, horrible wait). They were probably slightly panicked about paying for the wedding

I think they are excited. It is the first wedding for both our families out of siblings and first cousins.

 

[Croí]

great thread !

I told mine on the phone because they were 3,000 miles away in Ireland ! They were both happy though I think my Dad may have his reservations in the beginning (hubby is older than I) but by the time we got engaged he was just happy for us ! My Mum was just thrilled because she had seen the changes in me (all good) once we got together and she thinks he''s a great person (and he is!) and my sisters (especially the youngest two) were just over the moon. They are crazy about him !
His parents are deceased so that but I was very nervous about telling his sons but I am BLESSED because they were both very civil and gracious about it and now I am good pals with his youngest, still don''t really know the oldest as he is in Iraq and he and I have only met once.

but I think the biggest thing I learned was that if it''s really love and you both really put the other person first, then others, outside of you, family and friends, they all can see that ... and no matter what the differences, cultural, religious etc., they will be happy for your happiness.

that is how it has worked for me anyway.

 

[nytemist]

If it happens, I''ll probably get mixed reactions.

I don''t have my father any more and we were two peas in a pod. He liked my BF and the day we get engaged I will hear him in my head saying it''s about time, but his spirit will be happy. I''m not very close to my mother, as she is extremely critical and I can almost picture the scene of my telling her the news and her responding with "how pregnant are you?"

One sister will be very happy for me, the other will probably be jealous. She''s one with the children, but never got the commitment part.

My nieces will jump for joy- chance to dress up for an event!

 

[AndyRosse]

Well, my fiance asked my mother''s permission before asking me, and my fiance said that went well. But when I called to tell my mother that I was engaged, the first thing she said was "are you sure this is what you want?" She is on board now, although she refuses to pay for the wedding.

For the first couple years, my mother really didn''t like my fiance. I think it had to do with her just not being ready for me to have a serious relationship, etc. She honestly lived in a dream world those first couple years, insisting that my fiance was lazy, etc. She made my life miserable, to the point where she did not want him coming over the house (this is when I still lived there during college) and would not buy him any Christmas or birthday gifts. My fiance just continued to be exceedingly nice to her, and I think she just eventually figured out that I could have chosen much worse

.

The ironic thing is that my mother experienced almost the same thing when she decided to marry my father. My grandmother refused to talk to my mom and my brother and me until after my father''s death (so at least thirteen years). You would honestly think she would have learned...

 

[SeattleSparkle]

Oh, man. This is the scariest part for me. I adore my bf and there is nothing I want more than to spend my life with him, but I'm afraid that telling my family is going to deflate the whole engagement. I'm just a white girl from a very conservative family (with tons of skeletons in the closet) and he's Vietnamese from an also very conservative family.

Since we live near all of his extended family, I have gotten to spend a lot of time around them and feel that I'm finally accepted after almost 5 years. I love his family and am trying my hardest to learn their language so I can accomodate them a little more.

However, with my family being farther away, not getting as much time with him, I think there are definitely going to be mixed emotions. Of all of my cousins, I am the only one that is "still perfect." Meaning, I went to college, I don't live with my boyfriend, I have a decent career ... marrying a non-Lutheran let alone marrying someone who didn't grow up in a Christian household will be a let down.

For some reason they "expect more" from me, so I don't think it will be received very well. My family isn't racist, but is very concerned about the "culture clash." Ugh, my bf is so sweet, respectful, smart, and successful, I wish that they could look past it, so I know that when/if that big engagement day comes, its going to be an issue, all the way until my wedding day and probably beyond.

But I'm soooooo glad that my story seems to be among a few exceptions. That is such a blessing that the engagement process and wedding process and life there after is/was welcomed by your families with open, happy hearts!

 

[anchor31]

Apparently, GG's mother seems less then thrilled at her engagement and I think that's pretty sad. And to be honest, I am starting to worry about getting the same kind of reaction from my own parents.

My mother was engaged around her 19th birthday after one year of relationship and married nine months later. She left university to marry my dad. It would seem rather inappropriate of them to be upset at my engagement because I'll be 21 and my SO and I will have been together for around three years and known each other for eight more months. I will certainly not be leaving school, and the wedding will probably be two to three years after the engagement, once I've finished school (my SO already has).

But my parents are very... I'm not sure how to explain it... Maybe the fact that my mother used to tell my siblings and I that the only means of contraception acceptable was abstinence and is still telling me that while in school it is not the right time to sustain a serious relationship (

What have I been doing in the past two years and four months, if not sustain a serious relationship???) and that my father thinks we should not have sex until we're done with school will give you an idea. And it's not a religious thing, they're scared we'll end up with a baby and we'd have to leave school, I guess. Which is not happening, for all three of us. Well, at least my sister and I... Brother's an other story.

Don't get me wrong, they are very supportive and loving parents and I'm very grateful. They are helping me through school so I don't have to work during the semester and are always there for me when I need them. They love my boyfriend and I'm sure they'll be glad to welcome him in the family. But they'd probably be happier to do so later. They tend to be very single-minded. I'm worried they'll think our relationship will hinder my studies. I'm worried that they'll be less then thrilled and tell me I should wait and everything. But because we'll be engaged doesn't mean I'll leave school! And we'll be waiting to get married. Then again, my mom recently told me long engagement are stupid. Why get engaged if you can't get married in the next year? From where my SO and I stand it's more like: Why wait to be engaged because we can't get married right away, if we would be getting married if we could?

Am I making any sense? Is there a way I sound out their feelings without being too obvious? My mother and I are very close and I'm dying to tell her about us getting engaged in 2006, but I'm scared she'll tell me to hold it off...

 

[SeattleSparkle]

It does make sense, and I wish I could help you. I had friends get engaged during college and it was fine. I''d also love a crafty way to calm my family ... but my mom doesn''t even want to talk about it (like I would be making the greatest mistake of my life.)

This coming from a woman who has been married 4 times!! First time, at 19, second time at 25 and then the very last time .... well, lets just say my boyfriend and I have been together longer than her current husband and her have even known each other.

 

[curlygirl]

Great topic, I was thinking about this after reading GG''s post as well.

My parents knew it was coming as I kept them informed that we were looking for rings and they actually recommended their jeweler friend! The day my FI asked for my dad''s blessing was hysterical. He and my father were outside doing some yard work or something and they had "the talk". I was hanging out with my mother and the next thing we knew, my father ran in the house absolutely overjoyed and told both my mother and me that my FI had asked for my hand, etc. I don''t think I was supposed to know about it but my father was so happy, he couldn''t help himself!!! We had champagne and it was really fun and I wasn''t even actually engaged yet!!!

When the actual engagement happened, I called my parents right away and right after I told my mother, she was like, "oh, I''m on the other line. I''ll call you right back!" I was a bit surprised but I guess she already felt like I was engaged!!! But when she did call me back, I realized that she was kind of in shock and overwhelmed--in a good way. Both of my parents and my sister(who lives with her BF but will probably never get married) were very happy for me. My parents called our entire family and all their friends. My sister sent out an email to everyone she knows!

I think a lot has to do with the fact that the four of us are very, very close. I talk to my parents and my sister every single day--at least once but usually 2 or 3 times! For my parents, I think they almost felt relieved that I finally found someone. I''m 34 and my parents are not young so I think they feel like they don''t have to "worry" about me anymore. They say things like, "at least we know you won''t be alone when we''re gone". I hate that kind of talk but I understand what they mean. Plus, I think they really love my fiance. He didn''t come from a warm family and hasn''t spoken to his father in over 15 years so my parents have already kind of adopted him! They want to show him what it''s like to be a part of a tight knit group and let him feel like he finally has a real family.

Anyway, it does make me sad to hear that some people''s parents are less than thrilled for them. I guess everyone''s situation is different. It''s very interesting to hear all these stories...

 

[Layne]

My parents were happy, as they had been anticipating it. However, dh did not ask for their permission. In fact, after driving all over town looking for my dad and not finding him he just got a voicemail saying something along the lines of "Hi, its XXXXX I just thought I would let you know that I''m asking XXXX to marry me tonight"

After the proposal I called my mom. It was too late to call my dad''s house. I made dh call him in the morning to talk to him and make arragements to get together for dinner and annouce to the rest of my family. We also called all of our immediate family the next day and they were happy, though not as excited as I wanted them to be. We were the 4 couple in the family to get engaged in the last year, so it was routine for them.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/15/2005 5:45:08 PM
Author: SeattleSparkle
It does make sense, and I wish I could help you. I had friends get engaged during college and it was fine. I'd also love a crafty way to calm my family ... but my mom doesn't even want to talk about it (like I would be making the greatest mistake of my life.)

This coming from a woman who has been married 4 times!! First time, at 19, second time at 25 and then the very last time .... well, lets just say my boyfriend and I have been together longer than her current husband and her have even known each other.

You and I, sister. And I really don't understand why!! I mean, yes, she realised she should have stayed in school and that maybe she should have waited, but things turned out wonderfully for her. My parents have been happily married for 31 years and counting!! Why would it be a mistake for me to be engaged in university and then married once I have my degree??

Maybe I'm just a little anxious. While writing just now I've remembered that my mom and I talked about it about a year ago and I was telling her that I didn't intend on getting married before I finished my degree or got my Masters' degree if I decide to go to grad school, and she said: "You can get married in between too." So, I'm a little relieved. *breathes* But even if she said that, it'll probably be hard on her anyway.

I just don't think they're expecting it. My dear SO thinks they should, but... as I said, they are very focused on getting my siblings and I through university and may not be thinking about other things that are going to come up soon. And honestly, I think my dad still thinks I'm twelve... or wishes I was. I'm their baby, and I don't want to make it too hard on them...

Should I tell my mom it's coming, so they can warm up to the idea? I could talk to her over Christmas Break...

 

[elepri]

Well, my parents were pretty thrilled at first when i got engaged. Then my mom went through this really weird period where she was upset about everything, the fact that my fi didn''t ask them, the date we picked, the place, everything. She got over it pretty quickly though. And I was 29 when we got engaged. Had I been 21, she would''ve really freaked out for reasons very similar to the ones you''re worried about your mom. I''d give your mom a heads up but be prepared to deal with the fact that she might be less than thrilled. At least that way you have a chance to work things out with her so by the time you get engaged, she can be truly happy for you. Of course she might still have mixed feelings even then but it probably would be easier to deal with them when you still have time, especially since you two are close.

 

[crafftygrrl]

Even after close to 20 years, this thread still strikes a chord.

My parents were thrilled at my engagement. My DH was a Jewish Mom''s dream fiance--valedictorian of his college, law review, etc. What (my Mom) was not thrilled about was that her daughter and baby of the family was finally grown up. My decision to marry my DH was the first major decision that I made without consulting my parents. The blowback from this took time, insight and grandchildren to overcome.

 

[ame]

My folks most likely thought "thankgodshesfinallygettingoutofourdamnhouse!"

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/15/2005 7:28:05 PM
Author: elepri
Well, my parents were pretty thrilled at first when i got engaged. Then my mom went through this really weird period where she was upset about everything, the fact that my fi didn''t ask them, the date we picked, the place, everything. She got over it pretty quickly though. And I was 29 when we got engaged. Had I been 21, she would''ve really freaked out for reasons very similar to the ones you''re worried about your mom. I''d give your mom a heads up but be prepared to deal with the fact that she might be less than thrilled. At least that way you have a chance to work things out with her so by the time you get engaged, she can be truly happy for you. Of course she might still have mixed feelings even then but it probably would be easier to deal with them when you still have time, especially since you two are close.

Thanks for the piece of advice, elepri! Any idea of how I should tell her if I do? Should I just come out and say "Well, mom, just so''s you know, J and I are getting engaged sometime in 2006"?

 

[AGBF]

Date: 12/15/2005 4:11:45 PM
Author: Matatora
V asked for my father''s blessing but not permission (just in case he said no!) and got it over Thanksgiving.

Wow! I had no idea! Things are really moving along with you two!!!!

Deb

 

[aljdewey]

I knew from shortly after I met Rich that we would marry, and my parents have loved him from the outset. More than anything, they were overjoyed that I FINALLY had found the love of my life. My folks have been extremely happily married for 41 years, and they just wanted me to have the joy they know. They were sure that wouldn''t happen (as was I) since I hadn''t dated anyone for several years by choice. I had a rich, full life with many close friends, and I didn''t feel anything was missing.

That said, they knew that we were serious when we moved in a few months after we began to date. A year later, we became engaged.

How did we tell my folks? They had come to our place for Christmas. I said I wanted to give them an early Christmas present and handed them a wrapped box. In it was a framed picture of Rich and I that my parents had long admired and had wanted a copy of. My mother was commenting on what a great picture it was of us.....and I casually said, "well, that picture is quite significant because it''s the last picture that was taken of us before Rich asked me to marry him." My parents looked incredulous and elated, and were over the moon, and much celebrating ensued. It made for a very special Christmas.

 

[Kaleigh]

What a great story Al. Very sweet.

 

[larussel03]

My parents are helping us, by giving us a diamond my grandmother gave my mother, so they''re actually enabling our getting engaged. I think my mom wants it to happen even more than I do b/c she wants to call everyone, send out our pics and put our e pic in the paper lol.

 

[Blue824]

My parents will NOT be happy if I get engaged before I''m through with grad school...they also won''t pay for grad school if I"m married...which puts me in a weird position. Get engaged and have them be not happy with me and give me a hard time about helping me out with everything while I"m in school...or wait, but that is so long

That''s a whole nother issue...but yes, the answer will be they would not be happy right now. My parents like him, his parents like me...its just other issues they have.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 12/15/2005 11:18:12 PM
Author: Blue824
My parents will NOT be happy if I get engaged before I''m through with grad school...they also won''t pay for grad school if I''m married...which puts me in a weird position. Get engaged and have them be not happy with me and give me a hard time about helping me out with everything while I''m in school...or wait, but that is so long

That''s a whole nother issue...but yes, the answer will be they would not be happy right now. My parents like him, his parents like me...its just other issues they have.

You nailed it Blue! My parents think it is silly to be engaged for longer then about 8 months. I am applying to grad school, but I will not know anything until mid april. If I am single then they will pay for Grad School and what not which is very nice. And quite frankly I dont want to have any debt when we get married....But I am hoping that they will be understanding with the long engagement...with my parents you just never know!

 

[Rhapsody]

I know his family (his moms side at least) wont take it well. His mom has actually waged a small war against me, so we havent figured out how we''re going to handle telling them. We''re almost tempted to not say anything and since we plan to elope at any rate so just send them a notice saying "hey look, we got married!" Although that seems a little mean, but fairly deserved. My parents seem to already think we''re married, since we''ve been living together for 4 years now. Obviously neither of us are close to our families so we''re trying not to worry about it too much.

I''m sorry you''re worried about your parents reaction. Its horrible to have such a happy time hampered by people who dont react well to the news.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/16/2005 12:25:50 AM
Author: Matatora

Date: 12/15/2005 11:18:12 PM
Author: Blue824
My parents will NOT be happy if I get engaged before I''m through with grad school...they also won''t pay for grad school if I''m married...which puts me in a weird position. Get engaged and have them be not happy with me and give me a hard time about helping me out with everything while I''m in school...or wait, but that is so long

That''s a whole nother issue...but yes, the answer will be they would not be happy right now. My parents like him, his parents like me...its just other issues they have.

You nailed it Blue! My parents think it is silly to be engaged for longer then about 8 months. I am applying to grad school, but I will not know anything until mid april. If I am single then they will pay for Grad School and what not which is very nice. And quite frankly I dont want to have any debt when we get married....But I am hoping that they will be understanding with the long engagement...with my parents you just never know!

Blue and Matadora, we all seem to be in the same situation. Not only my parents will stop paying if I''m married, but they will stop paying if I move in with him... It''s great that our parents are willing to help us with our school, but it''s sad that they are so single-minded. It''s sad that they don''t understand that we can have a personal life and go to school at the same time...

I want to marry my boyfriend once I''ve finished my degree because we''ll be ready for it, and we''ll have put our relationship''s progress on hold long enough because I study so far away. If J and I have to pay my way through grad school, if I choose to go, then so be it. I just want my parents to be happy for me because I find the man of my life and I''m going to marry him. I am happy, why shouldn''t they be?? "With my parents you just never know!" is too true...

Are you two planning on giving them a little warning, or you''re just going to tell them once it''s done? It''s coming very soon for you, Matadora!!

 

[MissAva]

Well he asked for and got my fathers blessing. So they know it is coming, I think they are just worried that I will end up leaving grad school to get married. (Personally I am more concerned with getting in...

) I understnad their concerns but I also know that V would never pressure me to leave school, I think they do too. Plus my big sis has never had a serious BF and my yournger siblings are 12 and 4 so this is the first time they have had to think about it. And I am Daddy''s little girl, and I have always been clostest to him. I love my family oddles I just want them to be happy for me and not rush the wedding.

 

[Caribou]

Well I ended up telling my brother first because NO ONE would answer their freakin phone

....he's reaction was like a guy...he congratulated us but I'm sure he wasn't doing cartwheels or anything. Then I called my grandma. She was very excited for me....later she talked to my mom who had to repeat everything I told her because she couldn't hear me.

Then I called my best female friend (my MOH), didn't answer her phone but called back.....I don't know who was more excited her or me (okay obviously me but d*mn she was close second). Her and her husband are the reason why my fiance and I met....she ended up calling me like 4 other times in an hour telling me how excited she was for us. Then I finally got a hold of my mom we ended up going over her house and she was really excited. Then we went over to my best male friend. He was really excited too. My dad, who lives in a different state as me, was more excited than I thought he would be. We aren't that close so I didn't really think it's would be a big deal for him....he added a little note in with the Christmas card the him and my stepmom sent from me to him telling me how happy he was for me and that he can't wait to meet his 'future son-in-law'.

So everyone was happy...I was the happiest of course and being a total goofball dork about the whole thing.

ETA: My fiance did not ask my mother's premission. We talked about it and I told him that, although it's a nice gesture, I don't need my mom's or dad's premission for anything anymore so he didn't have to do it.

 

[LizzieC]

Hi! I just got engaged recently, and my parents were very happy! They love him! They (and I) knew it was coming, and he''d asked their permission over Thanksgiving. I called them the night it happened and they talked to both of us and were really sweet. I''m really close with my parents.

He, for some reason, wanted the engagement to be a big surprise for his family/friends. I told him that he should at least tell his parents that he was thinking about it, so they wouldn''t be completely shocked, but he didn''t want to. I also told him that they were going to think I was pregnant! Anyway, when he called and told them the day after it happened, they were also happy (but probably surprised), and very sweet. They sent us flowers the next day. He''s close with his parents too. I love my future in-laws!

I haven''t decided whether or not I''m going to do an official engagement announcement in my hometown paper. I''m thinking probably not. I figure everyone I care about will find out from me anyway!

LC

 

[littlelysser]

Although my BF and I are not engaged yet (we are waiting for the ring to be made), we had to get the diamond through a friend of my father's...so my parents know...and they are just ecstatic. They love my BF to bits...And considering that we own a house together and have dogs and a number of the other trappings of a marriage already...they weren't too surprised...

But I think they were especially pleased because it meant that we were getting married for sure...my parents always said they'd either pay for a big wedding or give us a down payment on a house...we bought a house about two years ago...so I asked if we could get that down payment money a bit early. And they gave it to us...so I think they are pleased that we are finally sealing the deal, so to speak.

I forgot to mention that my BF didn't ask permission. I'm a 31 year old lawyer that's been on my own since I graduated from college. That having been said, I have a very close relationship with both of my parents and I think the world of them. My mom is one of my best friends...and my dad...well, he's my dad!

They've been married for 35 years...