Passing fears/phobias on to your children

[Lottie]

Hello folks, I am hoping for a little advice or perspective on this subject.

Growing up I was afraid of dogs, bigger dogs in particular. A few things didn't help, being chased by a couple when very small, someone with a Staffie at the end of a street I had to walk past every day that used to be allowed to run out at passers by, and being bitten by a German Shepherd when I was about 14. I just used to avoid parks and anywhere that a dog might be off of its lead. When my sister got a great big Dalmation five years ago I took the opportunity to try and get over this fear of dogs with success - he is a fantastic dog, for a long time I have been fine with most breeds of dogs and having two children I spend a lot of time in parks and on the beach and its been great. I really didn't want to pass on this fear to my children - my mother is also frightened of dogs which I am positive is not a coincidence.

My problem is this, when N was very small she stayed right next to me at the park/beach and I felt perfectly happy that I could protect her, but now she is four and when we are at the park she wants to zoom off on her bike or scooter. All my fears and worries have reared right back up again. I am no longer worried for myself but when I see a dog run close by one of the children (not so much H because he isn't old enough to go out of arms reach really) I just cannot stop myself from running over there and trying to get in the middle - its so obvious why I am doing it that I know it won't take long for her catch on.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

 

[Pandora II]

It's a hard one - and I understand your fear as I am very scared of dogs having been bitten as a child.

I quite like some individual dogs that I 'know' but otherwise I avoid. Daisy is not happy at all around dogs and I can't tell if it's because I'm nervous or not. She's a general fearless child, but if a dog goes near her she gets absolutely hysterical.

In a sense it's probably better that way than her approaching any and all dogs as they are potentially dangerous.

I keep snakes and D is totally laid back with them. In a way I would worry more about passing on a fear of snakes as in the UK it's not a very legitimate fear - I've only encountered snakes 4 times in the wild in the UK and three of them were harmless grass snakes.

On the other hand, there are plenty of lethal dogs on our streets. So part of me thinks it's bad that my child is afraid and another part is relieved because she won't go near them.

 

[lliang_chi]

Lottie,
Kids are pretty smart and observant and would pick up on your apprehension of dogs. I'm a dog owner and I really appreciate it when parents teach their children that dogs need to be "respected." I use the terms in quotes because it's not like people-respect, but it's the "smart way"to approach a dog. Some kids when they see a dog get REALLY excited and squeal and jump and want to pet the doggie. Obviously this can elevate tension and I work to get my dog to calm down to accept pets.

Best way to approach a dog:
1) First and foremost ask the owner: "Can I pet your dog?" looking at the owner, essentially ignoring the dog. Never try to pet an unattended dog.
2) Approach the dog from the side not head on.
3) If the owner has treats, take one of the treats and put it on a flat palm and present it to dog. Let the dog come up to you
4) If the owner does not have treats, wait until the owner puts the dog into a sit or down
5) Pet the dog on the side or back first, then pet the head.

Some dogs are not mean, but they get very nervous. They would still cause a dog to bark or react when they're stressed.

Otherwise, for the most part, if your daughter is just riding her bike, running around, most dogs will not be interested in her. Dogs are mostly interested in other dogs. there are irresponsible dog owners too, that do not train/contain their dogs. And all the bad experiences people have, it's the owners fault, not the dogs. The dogs are responding to a situation the owner puts it in.

Don't know if this helps or not.

~LC

 

[rosetta]

That seems very sensible advice lliang.

I would hate to pass on fears to my kids (only a theory at present!). I can't think of any at the moment....not dogs, spiders, heights or any of the common ones thank goodness.

I have a friend who's scared of clowns, her girl is terrified of them poor thing. Sad.

 

[Lottie]

It's a hard one - and I understand your fear as I am very scared of dogs having been bitten as a child.

I quite like some individual dogs that I 'know' but otherwise I avoid. Daisy is not happy at all around dogs and I can't tell if it's because I'm nervous or not. She's a general fearless child, but if a dog goes near her she gets absolutely hysterical.

In a sense it's probably better that way than her approaching any and all dogs as they are potentially dangerous.
I keep snakes and D is totally laid back with them. In a way I would worry more about passing on a fear of snakes as in the UK it's not a very legitimate fear - I've only encountered snakes 4 times in the wild in the UK and three of them were harmless grass snakes.

On the other hand, there are plenty of lethal dogs on our streets. So part of me thinks it's bad that my child is afraid and another part is relieved because she won't go near them.

I think you are probably right with this, I cannot think of a way of completely disguising my worries or fears surrounding certain dogs so I suppose its inevitable she will pick up on it. My husband loves dogs so at least she will see both sides.

Thankfully my list of animal fears doesn't get much bigger than dogs (am very happy in the company of snakes), embarrasingly the only other thing on there is Butterflies - love to look at them and would not say I am actually scared, but I do run a mile when they come flapping towards me. This usually has my entire family including N crying with laughter at my expense.

By the way, if three of the snakes were harmless grass snakes what was the other one?

 

[Lottie]

Lottie,
Kids are pretty smart and observant and would pick up on your apprehension of dogs. I'm a dog owner and I really appreciate it when parents teach their children that dogs need to be "respected." I use the terms in quotes because it's not like people-respect, but it's the "smart way"to approach a dog. Some kids when they see a dog get REALLY excited and squeal and jump and want to pet the doggie. Obviously this can elevate tension and I work to get my dog to calm down to accept pets.

Best way to approach a dog:
1) First and foremost ask the owner: "Can I pet your dog?" looking at the owner, essentially ignoring the dog. Never try to pet an unattended dog.
2) Approach the dog from the side not head on.
3) If the owner has treats, take one of the treats and put it on a flat palm and present it to dog. Let the dog come up to you
4) If the owner does not have treats, wait until the owner puts the dog into a sit or down
5) Pet the dog on the side or back first, then pet the head.

Some dogs are not mean, but they get very nervous. They would still cause a dog to bark or react when they're stressed.

Otherwise, for the most part, if your daughter is just riding her bike, running around, most dogs will not be interested in her. Dogs are mostly interested in other dogs. there are irresponsible dog owners too, that do not train/contain their dogs. And all the bad experiences people have, it's the owners fault, not the dogs. The dogs are responding to a situation the owner puts it in.

Don't know if this helps or not.

~LC

Lliang that was actually really helpful - thank you.

N knows she always has to ask the owner before she can stroke a dog but number's 2,4 and 5 I had no idea about and will remember them. Unfortunately it is the running around in the vicinity of dogs in the park that really makes me anxious, but as you say most dogs aren't interested and I agree with this - its the 'what if' that I really struggle with. The bottom line is that owners have every right to walk their dogs in the park and I obviously can't stop taking her over there to play, so its something I will just have to get on with.

No one is perfect, so I guess N noticing that Mummy isn't comfortable around some dogs isn't the end of the world. SO annoying though, my friends are completely fine with dogs and do not bat an eyelid when one comes near - picnics are a much more relaxed affair for them .

Of all the minor and less minor run in's I had with dogs when I was younger, every single one of them was 100% the fault of the owner. I really, really wish that people had to apply for and upkeep some kind of licence to have a dog.

 

[Pandora II]

It was an adder - the only poisonous native snakes in the UK. They keep well away normally and I was deliberately looking for them!

My parents took me to a snake farm in Thailand when I was 7 and I was captivated by the huge Burmese pythons. I now keep Royals as I don't have a room or freezer big enough to keep a Burmese - plus the Royals are totally laid-back and placid.

They're the snakes that are generally used in phobia classes as they are tame and slow-moving. I have a friend who had terrible snake phobia who used to come to visit my male who sadly died in 2010. Over a year he went from being anxious the other side of the room with it in it's viv to being happy having a photo taken with the snake wrapped round his neck. I was so impressed.

 

[lliang_chi]

Lottie, I guess you can explain to your daughter that you worry about her safety and that's why you're anxious about dogs. It's important for her to know that not all dogs are friendly, so it's OK if she picks up on some of your anxiety. Do you think if you educate your daughter, you'll be a little more at ease knowing she'll be sensible and careful? I think you'll always be anxious in the way that every parent is anxious for their child.

Pandora, impressive that you were able to help your friend get over his phobia. I personally don't care much for snakes. I'm OK with them if they're contained, but don't think I'll ever put one on me.