Planning a wedding around grad school -- need advice.

[Blenheim]

My fiance and I are in the process of trying to set a wedding date. I''m entering graduate school in the Fall, and for obvious reasons I''d prefer to get married during an academic break. My fiance''s okay with anything that I''m okay with. Since this summer is too soon, we''re considering getting married during one of the following breaks:

December 23 - January 4
February 24 - March 5
May 12 - September 4

My brother has told my parents that he''d be okay with December 23, but that anything later than that in Dec/Jan would just ruin Christmas. I''ll probably still be grading papers on December 23, though. I''m reluctant to get married during the February/March break, since either I chance having to take a test on Friday then rush out of town for the wedding or we get no time to enjoy ourselves after the wedding. I''m also hoping to have a job next summer, but I think that the month of May would be free and end of August would be free.

I''m pretty sure that I''ve read that other people here have gotten married or are planning on getting married in graduate school, law school, medical school, etc. What times during the year did you find worked well around your schedule? I''m assuming that I''ll be too busy to get much planning done while classes are in session -- is this true, or did you find time to do it? Any general advice? I''ve never done this before and I feel a little bit lost.

Also, for those who have had summer jobs -- how hard was it to take time off? I''ve only worked for the Federal Gov over the summer, where employees build up vacation time each pay period. Also, they can be pretty flexible with time off as long as you get the right number of hours per two week period in. I''m not sure if this is true of the private sector.

While I''ve heard that most brides need a year to plan the wedding (both in terms of booking things and emotionally), I''ve known multiple couples who''ve decided after setting an initial date to move that date up quite a bit. How long do you think engagements should ideally last? Looking at those dates, what would you recommend?

Oh, and we''re hoping to get married in Northern Virginia, if that influences anything.

 

[Mannequin]

When are you planning on taking your honeymoon? If you want to go away right after the wedding, you may want to shoot for summer. For FI and I, summer was the only choice due to my teaching, but I am trying to plan for mid-summer so that there is enough time after school to relax and make final preparations. With 7/28 or 8/04 of next year, there is still time to honeymoon for two weeks or so before school starts again too. If we don''t honeymoon right away, we still get that destress period so that I can go back to school refreshed and married.

Once you pinpoint approximately what date, book your big stuff ASAP (locations - church, hall, etc.) so that you can take more time on the small details and not find out that you can''t get married on the date you wanted.

 

[snow_happy]

Hello

I''m a grad student and am having a long engagement (in part) to have time to plan while also not sacrificing school or research. Interviewing vendors and going to look at locations can suck up a lot of time. There will always be things/projects/deadlines/presentations in graduate school so I don''t think that there''s a "perfect" time but if you have lots of time then it can be spread out.

Good Luck

 

[sunkist]

Hi Blen, I first want to congratulate you on your engagement, again!

I''m just finishing grad school here, and even though I''m still not engaged, I''ve been thinking about it the whole way through. I think it would have been very hard to plan for a wedding while i was in school and stay cool headed about it all. I did have a friend that had her wedding in Thailand during the school year and i think it was pretty stressful on her. I know lots of girls have year long engagements, personally I think it''s best to have a short engagement like 3-6 months. But since you''re beginning grad school I think it would be easiest for you if you do it in late summer. That way you will be able to participate in planning that takes place the few months before the wedding.

Are you going to school near home or far away? What kind of a program are you going to be in? How big will your wedding be? I think these are relevant questions that could sway your decision.

I''m glad that things have really fallen into place for me. I''ll be finishing grad school, then getting engaged, then getting married by the end of the year. Like you said, work may be tough getting time off, but right now I''m just thinking it will fall into place like the rest of it!

If you do decide to have it during a shorter break, I''m sure it will work out very well, just do what you can without getting stressed, get lots of help from family and friends, and keep it simple.

 

[froufrou]

we are grad students and we will definately get married over a summer break. our school only allows "officially" something like a week over christmas off and if you are a research assistant you dont get a spring break. however i get to take a whole month off in may although this may i am studying for qualifying exams...which i should be doing right now.

id say plan for next summer, and get as much planning done as possible this summer for it? my first year of grad school was so hectic there would have been no way to plan anything during the academic year.

 

[E B]

I'm in the same position as you, Blen...we're trying to figure out when to get married as well. I graduate from college next Spring (2007...I took a year off so I'm behind) and we're wondering if planning the wedding for the weekend before exam week would be cutting it too close. I'd take all my exams early (I'm doing that this quarter as well) so I'd officially be done, but I'm worried about the one teacher who'll give me grief for it. If we wait much longer, Dallas will be *ridiculously* hot and I want an outdoor wedding. Hopefully a SPRING outdoor wedding!

Regarding planning while in school, I've been having no problem and I'm sure I won't for the rest of the year, but it all depends on your workload. I'm currently taking 16 hours and will go to 18 for the rest of the year (except for Spring...12! Yay!) but that's why it's good to have a year to plan...you can take your time with certain things. Just get the "big stuff" out of the way early (ceremony site, reception site, caterer, photographer, ceremony/reception music) and you'll have the rest of the year to agonize over the details.

HTH! If you ever want to talk to someone else planning while in school, I'm here!

 

[Blenheim]

Equestrienne - We haven''t really decided anything about a honeymoon yet. Good point though.

Actually, after just getting this down and seeing your responses, I feel like May or August might be best. I just get stressed whenever I talk to my mom about this, and we had a phone conversation right before I posted. I feel like she''s alternating between pressuring us to get married ASAP (so we don''t have to be living together unmarried but so long) and trying to get us to wait.

Sunkist - I feel like most of the wedding books and mags are geared towards year long engagements, but a lot of people I know try to have shorter ones. In some ways, I''d like to just make decisions and go through with it instead of agonizing over whether everything''s perfect. One thing that might matter is that we want to get premarital counseling, and I''m not completely sure how many sessions couples normally go to.

I will be going to school in Michigan, so it''s something like a 1.5 hour plane ride or 8.5 hours by car. I''m going to be in a mathematics doctorate program. My fiance and I were thinking 50-75 or so for the wedding, but after starting to look at how many people we want to invite, neither of us are sure how realistic that is. Still, it certainly won''t be huge.

 

[froufrou]

blen...it is your first year, right? if you have funding (like an RA or TAship) i would call the school now and ask when you can expect to get time off. also try to find out when the qualifying exams are cause you dont want to go on your honeymoon in case you should be studying for them

ours are in the summer after the first year but actually i think they are usually after 2 years but it is still good to check. if theyre next summer you may be better off having the wedding in dec.

 

[Blenheim]

First year, TA-ship. I think that the qualifying exams are offered in September, January, and April and that you have to pass them by 1.5 or 2 years. That''s an excellent point though -- I''m going to go ahead and contact the head of the graduate department. Thanks for pointing all of this out. Since I''m new both to grad school and wedding planning, I feel like I don''t know what questions to ask or what to expect.

 

[froufrou]

blen.. if you are a TA you will probably get to take off all of the breaks but you might have to stay longer after classes end and come back before class starts (we are required to stay a week longer and come back a week earlier for the winter break..but it is an unspoken agreement that none of the TAs follow this haha). also at my school you can request to take extra time off during the winter and they might cut some of your funding. in general i think in all the departments at our school we are supposed to get a whole month off during the summer, so if this is also the same case in Michigan you are in luck and i would plan your wedding to land somewhere in the middle of the month you end up taking off. you could take off May and have a week off before the wedding, a week of honeymoon, and a week of break before working!

 

[Blenheim]

Fortunately, the head of math grad studies just happened to be sitting by his computer, and we just exchanged about six emails.

He''s recommending sometime in May-August 2007, but warned me that qualifying exams usually fall in late April and early May. He gave me the email address of someone who might already know the schedule. Early May also conflicts with my FSIL''s exam schedule, so I was trying to avoid that anyway. Hmmmm... May''s sounding increasingly good. Sometime around May 19 might give me time to relax after exams and us enough time to go on a honeymoon, all before I start my summer employment!

Froufrou, thank you SO much for your suggestions. I''m not sure why I didn''t think of talking with the grad department sooner. I''ve been mildly stressed over this for about a week now, and that''s all it took?

 

[froufrou]

no prob, im glad you figured stuff out!!!

the first thing i thought of when i read your email was the very strict letter we received in about October letting all the RA/TAs know that we were not to take any vacation until May or whatnot.

 

[Tybee]

I was in grad school when we got engaged. I coudn''t even phathom getting married until I was done, thus, the super long engagement!
I wanted to be done with that part of my life, in order to start this part of my life----that was my decision, we''re getting married this July! Can''t wait, happy that I can put my all into it. Others see it diffently.

Good luck to you.

 

[JCJD]

We got engaged over the holiday season my second year of grad school and got married 7 months later, between my 2nd and 3rd years. Probably not the best decision ever, but it did help me to somewhat avoid the infamous second-year-slump because I was so busy I couldn''t worry about anything for the most part. I was also able to take the stress of grad school and alleviate it with wedding planning, which I kind of enjoyed. It helped that my advisor understood and cut me quite a bit of slack. We were also planning a small local wedding, all of our parents and most of our sibs are local and were able and willing to help with planning, and I was able to rope DH into a lot of the planning too. IMHO, this is just like the question of whether or not to have children in grad school. To each their own. Either way will be hard, each decision has its benefits and costs, and you need to determine what is right for you, your graduate career, and your relationship.

I have a colleague who took off a week during the semester to get married and go on her honeymoon. As long as it''s arranged up front, you can do it during the semester. She was teaching with me and with the advance notice, was able to arrange another TA to make up her classes with her (she either paid them for the classes and grading or took one of their classes when she came back). I think that for the most part, people understand that life happens and work needs to be flexible enough to allow it to happen.

So, will you be teaching all of next year, just taking classes, starting research, all of the above? Take these things into account as well. Can your family and/or bridal party help with the details you care less about? Also, remember that in grad school you can basically make up your own schedule. If you decide to take a morning off once a week to meet vendors etc, you can. Lots to think about, but HTH, and congrats!

 

[Blenheim]

Thanks, JCJD, it''s really good to know that it is possible. We''re not getting married locally. Most of both of our families are already in Virginia, so it seems like it would be easier on everyone else to get married there. My mom''s willing to scout out locations and handle a lot of that type of stuff. His aunt has already planned weddings for both of her daughters, and it just wasn''t enough for her! She''s getting so excited about ours, and she''s volunteered about ten times to help us out if we need anything in that area. My MOH will probably also be in Virginia next year. (She''s graduating and still waiting on job offers though.)

I''ll be teaching and taking classes next year. I''ve just been a little worried about the transition from a small liberal arts school to a large math PhD program. The students there have told me that it''s easy to let yourself have no time at all, but that all of them manage to make time for themselves and it keeps them sane to have other stuff going on.

I''ve talked more with FI and my mom, and we''re shooting for May 12 or 19.

Oh, and what does HTH mean? I''ve seen it a couple times but can''t figure it out.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 5/18/2006 1:58:45 PM
Author: Blenheim
I''ve just been a little worried about the transition from a small liberal arts school to a large math PhD program.

~*~ Not a problem! I transitioned from a small liberal arts college to a large bio PhD program! You''re not going to interact with the larger campus really and you''ve got a niche of like-minded people in your program, so it''s easy to avoid the huge campus scariness.



The students there have told me that it''s easy to let yourself have no time at all, but that all of them manage to make time for themselves and it keeps them sane to have other stuff going on.

~*~ I agree wholeheartedly with this. Sooooo easy to make grad school your life in a bad bad way. You absolutely need to have hobbies outside of work that allow you to destress and remember why you''re still in school in the first place and why you think it''s fun enough to submit to the tortures of grad school.

Also, sleep sleep sleep! And/or exercise. And eat your veggies (grad school turned me into my mother...). Seriously, getting enough sleep is vital to your sanity, exercise will help you destress and sleep better, and eating well will improve your brain function. *Done being a mom....*


Oh, and what does HTH mean? I''ve seen it a couple times but can''t figure it out.

~*~ Hope That Helps.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey Blenheim - I just wanted to add one more thought which is that I would be careful scheduling the wedding too soon after qualifying exams. I took mine in February and am getting married in July, and I am REALLY GLAD I''ve had this much time in between. All the wonderful and sensible things that JCJD recommended - sleeping, eating well, exercising, tend to go out the window in the last few weeks before quals and so that''s something to consider as well. It was so stressful and exhausting studying for quals that I was basically useless for a few weeks afterwards, so if possible, you might want to give yourself a little more breathing room in between.

 

[flopkins]

Blen -
I am in grad school too, and although DH is working now he was in the midst of his masters when he proposed. We scheduled the wedding after my quals, which was the most important thing. For me, I am a 4th yr so I am doing mostly research, so the exact timing didn't matter so much... we actually planned it in the middel of the semester simply because we didn't want to wait until summer to get married.

But for you, I would actually recommend maybe later summer, like early June, because if you plan to take your quals in April/May, and your FI will be busy with exams in early May, you will be uber busy with that and not have time to take care of all the small details that come up the last couple weeks before the wedding. I know the last two weeks before the wedding I had to run a lot of errands, make a lot of phone calls ,etc... just small things that come up and have to be taken care of...
I'm not sure your exact timeline but I would at least give yourself a couple weeks/a month between finishing up exams and the wedding.
Plus if you're teaching, you most likely will have to help grade the final exams, and that 's always the last couple weeks of the school year.

ETA: I just saw AG's post, and totally second that.

 

[Blenheim]

Hmmm.

There are four qualifying exams. I have to pass two and take two classes in a third area. I have to pass one of them within four semesters and both within six, but they encourage students to take them as early as possible. There''s no penalty for not passing. They''re offered three times a year: September, January, and early May.

I''d only be two semesters in if we have a May wedding. Would May really be pushing it? What time would you recommend?

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out with this. I really appreciate all of your advice.

 

[flopkins]

oohhh... i guess your exams are different than mine, we just have the one oral exam. in that case you might consider just getting married in may like you said, and then looking to take the exams in sept or jan after the wedding... less stress that way.

either ways I would just give some space after exams to rest up before wedding stuff really ramps up the last few weeks before the wedding.

 

[ocbride2007]

I''ve been thinking similar thoughts... I just finished my first year of law school and I''m planning on having the wedding next summer. I don''t want to wait until after I graduate, because I can''t imagine worrying about an impending wedding while studying for the bar... I would want to be sure you have a week or so after school starts before the wedding to wind down and make sure you put all the last minute pieces together, and have some time to yourself after the wedding as well. It would be great if you had a wedding planner (or a great friend willing to help out) so that you don''t have to stress out about everything while you are thinking about exams, etc.

I really wouldn''t suggest doing it mid-yea, you''ll probably be so worn out from school you will really need that time to relax. It''s best to do it when you know you are free from responsibilities for a while. It would be terrible to be on your honeymoon and be thinking about a paper you have to write or working out what you are going to do the next semester!! You need to be able to fully enjoy your wedding.

I hope to get as much done for mine this summer as possible, since I''ll have very little time during the school year. Try to get the big things done - I hope to at least have the church and reception area booked and have my dress by the time school starts again. The last thing you want is wedding plans distracting you while you are trying to study. I know how bad that is... I kept looking at dresses online all through finals, and I have plenty of time to plan!! It''s so exciting and so distracting at the same time. Good luck with your studies and planning!!

 

[sunkist]

Date: 5/18/2006 8:12:28 PM
Author: Blenheim
Hmmm.


There are four qualifying exams. I have to pass two and take two classes in a third area. I have to pass one of them within four semesters and both within six, but they encourage students to take them as early as possible. There''s no penalty for not passing. They''re offered three times a year: September, January, and early May.


I''d only be two semesters in if we have a May wedding. Would May really be pushing it? What time would you recommend?


Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out with this. I really appreciate all of your advice.

Hey Blen, if I were going to be in this situation, I''d give myself a little time off from exams in May before diving into the wedding, honeymoon, new married life. I''d do it mid or late summer before school starts and allowing enough time for honeymooning and settling down before it starts up again. You''re doing a good job sorting through it all though!

Life is complicated, but everything is worth it in the end!

 

[Tybee]

I must say.
I don''t know how long your program is (I''m a notorious scimmer of messages,) but I am personally SO GLAD that I waited until I finished grad school to get married. There is so much stress involved in both. I am totally enjoying my prewedding time without any grad school stress on the horizon.

 

[Blenheim]

Tybee, it''s going to be five years or so. Possibly followed by a post-doc. A six year engagement just seems way too long to me, especially as I''m already having some problems thinking of waiting all the way until next August or so to get married.


So, one of the administrative people in the grad program sent me this email today:

**********

Dear (Blenheim),

As someone who is currently planning a wedding (Sept. 16, 2006) - let me first start by saying CONGRATS! - it''s exciting and exhausting but mostly exciting

Okay - So May 2007 - The QR Exams are offered 3 times a year Sept, Jan, and May - we will not have the dates of the 2007 exams until September that is when the chair of the doctoral committee confirms the dates with the faculty giving the exams (this changes every year) - what I can tell you though is that they are all in the first 2 weekends of the month for example the May exams we just had - the last one was on May 6 - (you can look at the math website under the grad program and see this year''s dates of the exams to get an idea) so anything mid-May or later would definitely not be during the exams - more importantly though - you have the opportunity to take the exams during the other session - if for some reason you would take the exams and not pass them next year - you would have until January 2008 to complete 1 written exam - so I guess what I''m trying to say is that I wouldn''t worry about the date in May - QRs are pretty flexible.

I hope this was helpful - please let me know if you have any further questions.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

********

I''m still trying to figure out what to do.