Planning but not engaged yet

[junepatient]

So glad you guys are around, this is my first post anywhere about anything.

My BF and I met 2 1/2 years ago in overseas at a friend''s wedding. We''ve done the distance thing (involving him flying cross country once a month for me) until moving in Feb 06. In June 07 we decided on June 1 08. He bought my the wedding dress, we selected a beautiful and affordable ring and I''ve basically been planning as if engaged. Now the holidays are over and no official proposal or ring, I''m really getting sad. Been asking for friend''s addresses so the save the dates can go out the second he proposes and more than one person including MOH has really hurt my feelings by saying how backwards we''re taking it. He says he knows when he''s going to do it and I want a surprise, but it''s getting a little tortuous considering our intent is public knowledge. I imagine finacial concerns may be the holdup but come on 6 months??????

Support?? Advice?? anyone planned as if while waiting waiting waiting>>>??????

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 1/7/2008 1:48:26 PM
Author:junepatient
So glad you guys are around, this is my first post anywhere about anything.

My BF and I met 2 1/2 years ago in overseas at a friend''s wedding. We''ve done the distance thing (involving him flying cross country once a month for me) until moving in Feb 06. In June 07 we decided on June 1 08. He bought my the wedding dress, we selected a beautiful and affordable ring and I''ve basically been planning as if engaged. Now the holidays are over and no official proposal or ring, I''m really getting sad. Been asking for friend''s addresses so the save the dates can go out the second he proposes and more than one person including MOH has really hurt my feelings by saying how backwards we''re taking it. He says he knows when he''s going to do it and I want a surprise, but it''s getting a little tortuous considering our intent is public knowledge. I imagine finacial concerns may be the holdup but come on 6 months??????

Support?? Advice?? anyone planned as if while waiting waiting waiting>>>??????

Well, if he bought you the dress, and you''re already planning other things, is it possible that he doesn''t think he needs to propose now that you''re this far?

If this is the man you''re going to marry - I''ll say what has been said over and over again on this board - communicate with him. If you''re this deep into planning that you''re getting married in June of this year - you need to be able to talk to him. Calmly & rationally, of course. Because if you''re planning a wedding already, and you haven''t made it official, something does need to happen.

I can relate to your situation a little. BF and I have talked about our plans for the wedding, location, etc., and we decided on our date over the weekend, 10/4/08 most likely. I know he has the ring, he is waiting to propose until it''s perfect for him - but I haven''t been planning. I''ve been researching and getting ideas because once we are engaged, the real fun of planning begins.

To drive home the point everyone else will tell you - talk to him about it. If you''re already planning your wedding, you should be able to communicate your concerns openly to him.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/7/2008 2:01:53 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04

Date: 1/7/2008 1:48:26 PM
Author:junepatient
So glad you guys are around, this is my first post anywhere about anything.

My BF and I met 2 1/2 years ago in overseas at a friend''s wedding. We''ve done the distance thing (involving him flying cross country once a month for me) until moving in Feb 06. In June 07 we decided on June 1 08. He bought my the wedding dress, we selected a beautiful and affordable ring and I''ve basically been planning as if engaged. Now the holidays are over and no official proposal or ring, I''m really getting sad. Been asking for friend''s addresses so the save the dates can go out the second he proposes and more than one person including MOH has really hurt my feelings by saying how backwards we''re taking it. He says he knows when he''s going to do it and I want a surprise, but it''s getting a little tortuous considering our intent is public knowledge. I imagine finacial concerns may be the holdup but come on 6 months??????

Support?? Advice?? anyone planned as if while waiting waiting waiting>>>??????

Well, if he bought you the dress, and you''re already planning other things, is it possible that he doesn''t think he needs to propose now that you''re this far?

If this is the man you''re going to marry - I''ll say what has been said over and over again on this board - communicate with him. If you''re this deep into planning that you''re getting married in June of this year - you need to be able to talk to him. Calmly & rationally, of course. Because if you''re planning a wedding already, and you haven''t made it official, something does need to happen.

I can relate to your situation a little. BF and I have talked about our plans for the wedding, location, etc., and we decided on our date over the weekend, 10/4/08 most likely. I know he has the ring, he is waiting to propose until it''s perfect for him - but I haven''t been planning. I''ve been researching and getting ideas because once we are engaged, the real fun of planning begins.

To drive home the point everyone else will tell you - talk to him about it. If you''re already planning your wedding, you should be able to communicate your concerns openly to him.

Pink Highlight - I read the post and wondered the same thing. I know you stated that he wants to propose but are you really sure?? It threw me off a little to read that he bought you the dress and plans are going strong, yet there was no proposal. I have to wonder (correct me if I am wrong) if he is unaware that the proposal means a lot to you.

Yellow Highlight - Now this is the most important part of ALL!! Communication is the #1 part of any relationship. If there is no communication, then there really ins''t a sound realtionship. I think the pink highlight ties into this REALLY well because it seems like you feel as though you two missed a step in the process. A sit down discussion I think would do wonders in this case. Let us know how it goes.

 

[bee*]

I agree with sjg-say it to him. If you guys are getting married in six months, I presume you have the venue etc booked and you have your dress etc, so I would let him do his thing for another month or two if you don''t want to bring it up with him now, but if it got to the end of March, I would say it him that you want to be officially engaged before you send out the STD''s etc. Or maybe say it to him that he can get your dream e-ring later on while he''s more financially stable and he can propose with a plain band now.

 

[glueck]

Although a BIG advocate of communication, something occurred to me while reading your post.

My FF and are talking and planning very openly as though we are engaged...chosen a location..... we even bought his wedding ring this weekend! My engagement ring has had some trouble making it over the ocean from America to Switzerland, but we are moving ahead very excitedly. Which brings me to my point..... with all of these exciting events happening, arent you really engaged already? What do you have left now but the "ceremony" of the proposal. Now that there is no surprise, the element of surprise, in his mind, may mean that the propsal will have to take of another special character.

Plan away and ENJOY it. The promise to marry is the proposal, and since he bought you the dress and you have announcements and plans in place, you have made that promise. The "ceremony" of the BIG QUESTION will be his grand gesture. Let him have his moment to be romantic. Get those save the dates addressed and ready to post and get your magic mani. Call me a bit optimistic for my 31 years, but I say enjoy your envelope addressing, because.... He has a plan!

 

[junepatient]

thanks gluek, this makes me feel better about being surrounded by oblong envelopes. But you guys are right about communicating. The bride from the wedding where we met just called the way we were going about it "crazy". I didn''t tell him what she said or why I am mysteriously upset today. Don''t want to pressure him, I think he knows I''m waiting but I shouldn''t walk around the house in a foul mood without telling him why.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/7/2008 3:04:46 PM
Author: junepatient
thanks gluek, this makes me feel better about being surrounded by oblong envelopes. But you guys are right about communicating. The bride from the wedding where we met just called the way we were going about it ''crazy''. I didn''t tell him what she said or why I am mysteriously upset today. Don''t want to pressure him, I think he knows I''m waiting but I shouldn''t walk around the house in a foul mood without telling him why.

He loves you hun and will want to hear what you want to say. You have the right to be upset and I can''t imagine how hard it is to hear those things from others, but in the end, talking with you beloved will be a great idea.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/7/2008 3:04:46 PM
Author: junepatient
thanks gluek, this makes me feel better about being surrounded by oblong envelopes. But you guys are right about communicating. The bride from the wedding where we met just called the way we were going about it ''crazy''. I didn''t tell him what she said or why I am mysteriously upset today. Don''t want to pressure him, I think he knows I''m waiting but I shouldn''t walk around the house in a foul mood without telling him why.

I wouldn''t mind what the other bride says either-it''s your wedding and engagement and you can do it whichever way you want. I don''t see what''s crazy about it if you''re both planning your wedding together.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 1/7/2008 3:04:46 PM
Author: junepatient
thanks gluek, this makes me feel better about being surrounded by oblong envelopes. But you guys are right about communicating. The bride from the wedding where we met just called the way we were going about it ''crazy''. I didn''t tell him what she said or why I am mysteriously upset today. Don''t want to pressure him, I think he knows I''m waiting but I shouldn''t walk around the house in a foul mood without telling him why.

I''ve been in horrible moods for the same reason of not wanting to say something - but take my advice - don''t bottle it up. You''ll be surprised to know that he won''t feel pressured if you say how you feel. I was feeling very resentful because one of my friends got engaged before us, and I''m in her wedding, so I was surrounded by it. I felt so bad because I had those feelings instead of just being really happy, and I just kept it to myself. I ended up saying something to BF about it, and he acknowledged how I felt and why I felt that way. Don''t feel like you''re pressuring him. If anything - he''s putting the pressure on you having to plan a wedding that''s 5 months away!

 

[sherlock10]

I completely understand! We''ve been together for 8 years now, and I''m so irritated. His friends have met, married, and now have kids with people since we met. We''ve done a lot of distance stuff, which makes it a little bit easier to understand, but SERIOUSLY. I also have an extremely busy year coming up, and frankly, I have the time NOW to plan, not when he gets around to it.

So I did. I have the wedding location picked out, I told my friends to get passports since it''s overseas, I started the wedding website (I just have to fill in the dates!), I''m currently designing my STDs (again, fill in the dates!), and on top of all this, we''re working on the registries. Sounds greedy, but living in two places makes it hard to figure out what we can agree on. The plates took 4 days!

He claims he already bought the ring, but who knows. He''s claimed a lot of things on that topic so I don''t know what''s true anymore. So instead of yelling about what''s taking so long, I use my time productively.

 

[Sha]

I can totally relate to your situation. I got engaged in August 07 -two months before our scheduled wedding date of October 2007! We had talked in Feb 07 about getting married in Aug 07, but it took him so long to propose that we had to keep pushing back the date - from August, to September, then finally to October. I had mini-freak outs along the way - complaining to him that we had this and that to do (invitations, deposit on venue etc) so we had to get engaged soon! We also wanted a destination wedding so there was the added stress of letting people know well in advance so they could make plans!! I really don''t think he understood all that needed to be done. Anyway, he finally proposed in August. We informed family/friends and sent out invitations right away, about a month and a half before the wedding.

Thankfully it all turned out okay - but only because I had started planning since we had originally talked - in Feb 07. That gave me a good 6 months to plan. In that time - I had weeks and weeks of researching destination wedding locations, looking at dresses online, thinking of colour schemes, deciding on registry items etc. By the time we finally got engaged almost everything was already arranged and ready to go.

So don''t feel bad about planning before the official proposal - sometimes it''s what you have to do to get some lead time. . I do understand the ''uncomfortableness'' though. When people heard me asking about wedding things - they would say, "Oh, you''re getting married! Congratulations!" Then they would look down at my ring finger and be visibly confused. My friends knew I was planning ahead of being engaged, and didn''t think much of it. But my family didn''t know - I didn''t want them to know until we ''officially'' got engaged. There was one really uncomfortable moment, though, when my best friend told a friend of hers about our uipcoming wedding. This friend likes to talk a lot - so she met my father at a social event and walked up to him, and said "Soooo....I hear there''s going to be a wedding in the family!"

My daddy was confused at the time but pretended he knew what she was talking about.

.

Anyway, I agree with other''s advice that you should talk to him. Sometimes fellas seriously have no clue as to all the details involved in wedding planning. So he might be thinking he has lots of time. But 6 months really isn''t that much time. Since he has the ring already - there seems to be no reason to wait. Unless he wants to plan a really nice surprise for you. Which is good, as long as he doesnt'' do it too late!