Please explain all of these proposal "deadlines"?

[KissyKissy]

Do the MEN set these "deadlines" or do the women set them?? I''ve never heard of someone forcing a timeline onto a relationship. Please explain. Thanks so much!!

 

[omc]

In most cases, it is the guys saying, "oh I plan on proposing by the end of the summer" or "should be in 2005" or something like that... and then that "deadline" comes and goes... and then the guy says a new time. It frustrates the women, making them feel strung along or let down. In some cases, it was a promise, but in others it was just a tentative plan that the girl built up in her head as a "true plan".


Other times, it''s a couple that has been together for like five years, or one is going to school or whatever, and the girl says, "look. you should know by now. I am ready to move my life forward. I want it to be with you. If you want that too, then do something. Otherwise, it is time for me to cut my losses and move on"


I am not a fan of ultimatums but I will say this: The trick to setting an ultimatum is realizing that you must be ok with either choice, and that an ultimatum is not to be used as a threat. Once you set an ultimatum, you can only follow through with it, or it was in fact an empty threat.

 

[perry]

How the deadline gets set is very dependent on each couple, and I am sure that their are many reasons for setting it. What I have seen is that part of it often is a desire to see if the other person routinely lives up to their word (on the big stuff).

Once set: It often becomes an issue of credibility. Does the other person live up to their word. Now an occasional extension or lapse may be OK; but a pattern of "I''m going to do this or that" followed by repeated examples of no action without a good reason (and how rare is the good reason for repeated delays) is a fairly clear indicator of what the future holds.

Perry

 

[SoonIHope]

For us, it wasn''t even as dramatic as any of the above options. My boyfriend had just said he would propose in the next vague number of months and since I really wanted it to happen sooner rather than later, I asked him to give me a more specific deadline just so I knew what to expect. So if he had set the deadline for next summer, then I wouldn''t constantly think it could be any day now since I would know that the had many months to get there. It just helps manage my expectations a lot and once he gave me the deadline I have felt much more zen about the whole thing because I know that it will happen so soon (before the end of the year!) For us (and a lot of PS couples I believe) it isn''t even a committment issue; it''s a "we both want the same thing, but we want it on different timelines, so just make your timeline explicitly clear to me (and not TOO long) and then we don''t have to argue about when it should happen anymore." Does that make sense?

 

[Kit]

Albicocca,

Absolutely that makes sense. In my case, we both wanted to be engaged, but I wanted it like 9 months ago and in every aspect of the relationship, I am the logistics person, the planner, so I set up a deadline based on his timeline, so that we could work back from there in terms of getting the ring (which HE insisted upon, I was fine with a simple 1/2 eternity or even no ring at all). And if I hadn't done that, given him that structure, I know we'd be fighting about it and there's be crossed wires, hurt feelings and confusion. This way we are both on the same page, and are both comfortable and have a plan in place.

For other couples, the guy gets the idea in his head first, takes the initiative and pops a ring in front of her face. No deadlines needed in that case I guess. For me, I'd rather not be so "surprised." I feel like it's my marriage too, it's my engagement so I should get a say in when everything happens. But that's just my feeling on the matter.

Not knowing when exactly my engagement is going to come would just make me an anxious, freaking out mess!

ETA: Albi we are on the same timeline! Interesting...

 

[princessv]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents. Deadlines were set by my SO, I only had one which wasn''t really even a ''deadline'' per se. My only problem was living with my SO before we were engaged. I was making a cross country move just to be with him and I wouldn''t have minded making the cross country move with no proposal as long as we didn''t live together. I think that in different situations there are circumstances as to the ''deadlines'' that just depends on couple to couple.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 11/21/2005 2:26:11 PM
Author: Kit


ETA: Albi we are on the same timeline! Interesting...

Hehe, cool!!! There are several of us I think. And it''s getting so clooooose!!!!

I actually had the (FREAKISH) thought today that I hoped he didn''t propose TOO soon since I just broke a nail on my left hand so my Pricescope ring pics wouldn''t be as pretty.

Hehe, yes, I actually did have that thought.

I don''t know which is worse - that I was (for that split second, I instantly saw the error of my ways) wanting him to WAIT to propose ~or~ that apparently my brain has linked PS and getting engaged so closely, that the only reason I should get engaged is so I can post my pretty handshots here. Hmmmmm.....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

To shut ME up HE set the deadline for my 25th birthday on my 24th birthday. He proposed a month before.