Poor people''s guest list

[snow_happy]

I might be wrong in this but I always figured parents'' business collegues went to the weddings when the parents paid for the wedding. My FI and I are thinking about paying for our own wedding so is it OK to not invite these people? What about parents friends'' kids that we don''t really know that well?

I don''t want to offend anyone by not inviting them and I feel bad not inviting people but besides the limiting budget I think a smaller intimate wedding with people we know sounds great

Thanks in advance for any opinions or advice

 

[glaucomflecken]

Hi!

FI and are are paying for our own wedding. We gave each family an allotment of "guests" to invite, and anyone over that, they would have to pay for their plate. Of course now they are giving me a hard time

but Im standing firm.

I set my guest list by what we could afford and made my A and B list. Im also fearful of offending people (such as my own coworkers, distant cousins I never see, etc) but a lot of people have told me that people generally know how expensive weddings are and will not be offended.

I truly think that a smaller wedding is, at least for us, somewhat less stressful. I will have just the people I love and want there, and wont have to introduce myself to them at my own wedding. It also will let me be able to at least greet everyone and spend time dancing and having fun with them. Ive heard stories of people who had 500 people there , half of whom they didnt know, and didnt even get to say hello to everyone, let alone enjoy themselves.

Someone also asked me when I had this question:
"Ask youself, would you take this person out to dinner and treat them to a $50 meal? If not, then dont invite them to your wedding!!!' lol

good luck!!!

 

[Mara]

that''s good advice punch!!

personally i never understood that whole having to invite everyone under the sun to your wedding. i mean it''s your WEDDING, not some random seven-degrees-of-separation dinner that you are paying for out of the kindness of your heart!

snow, i say invite who you would require to be there first and then have a 2nd tier of invites that go out to others based upon RSVP''s from your first tier.

we got out of doing all that when we did the destination thing, we invited everyone and then knew only the best would come. i also figured, gosh if my mom''s friend from college wants to fly all the way to hawaii, then she''s welcome to come to the wedding!! that''s committment.

but no one came that we didn''t expect and vice versa...so it all worked out in the end.

 

[JCJD]

If you are footing the bill, you get to choose the guest list, IMO.

A really good way to get your family to not hound you about inviting every Tom Dick and Harry they''ve ever met: Book your ceremony and reception in a small location. These will have a more intimate feel, like you want, and it will severely limit your guest list - and you can blame the fire code!! Most people will understand the budget and "we want a small wedding", but there will be some who give you a hard time (I know this......). The most important thing is for you and FH to stick to your guns and be a team. You can really chop down your guest list by eliminating large "strings" of people that "have" to go together, i.e. all of your parents'' coworkers or all of your parents'' second cousins. And your parents will feel better if you promise to send announcements to everyone.

 

[ame]

OK--

IF you are paying, and you know these colleagues, you may or may not choose to invite, personally, in your shoes, I wouldn''t bother if you don''t know them.

As far as parent''s friends kids...I would only do so if you know the kids well. We only invited certain family friend''s kids and my folks are paying for almost all.

 

[snow_happy]

Thanks for all the great advice!!

 

[selflove]

Another option I''ve heard of:

Invite the parents'' co-workers to the ceremony and dance only. Then have a cash bar for the dance portion of the evening so that essentially it costs nothing to include these extra people. Of course, some venues won''t really accommodate it very well. (And some social classes might find it distasteful.) But it''s an idea, and sometimes this wedding stuff involves some thinking outside the box and coming up with new and creative ways to meet our unique needs, right?

Any feedback on this idea? I''m thinking about it for my own wedding for my and my FH''s co-workers (about 20+ their guests). Originally it was my mother, in the midwest, who told me this used to be done and some people still do it. I''m not sure how well it would be received in southern California, though.

Good luck!

 

[abradabra]

I think people start to get really offended if you only invite them to bits and pieces of the wedding. It starts to look like they are being invited just for a gift and not because you really want them there.

Even if your parents were footing the entire bill, it wouldn''t exactly be fair for them to invite 200+ guests and you invite 10. But, a greater contribution on their part should afford them a greater say in how things are done.

I would propose approaching your parents with a situation kinda like what Punch described. Based on the amount of money they are spending on the wedding, I would negotiate with them X number of invites for extended family, their friends, and their coworkers. Obviously, certain close familiy members and family friends that you would invite anyway shouldn''t count towards this amount, it should just be for people you wouldn''t invite unless they really wanted you to. If they want to invite more people beyond that X number, they''ll have to pay part or all of the guests'' way. As long as you involve them in the process of negotiating the "X" number, I can''t imagine how they wouldn''t find that fair, because, especially if you are paying for it, your wedding isn''t about their friends.

I don''t know how far along you are in your planning, but there are also a number of other things you can try if you haven''t gotten that far. My fiance is from Virginia and I''m from Illinois. We''re getting married in New Hampshire, at our college''s campus. Since neither family is local to the area and most of our parents'' coworkers have no ties to our college, a lot of these extraneous people wouldn''t travel to the wedding, even if they were invited.

Also, our wedding is being designed for mostly young people (25-30) because that''s the type of guest list we''re expecting. We''re not inviting children or anything like that and are expecting the guests to get a bit a rowdy. My dad is fully aware of that and actually sat his coworkers down and told them to let him know if they wanted to come, but that it was going to be rowdy and they should be prepared. Only one person took him up on the offer, which is fine by us!