Post-Holiday freakout - Did I ruin it?

[ListlessLiz]

Okay, so a little after New Years this year my BF and I had a major breakdown about the whole "engagement dilemma" - of course, by breakdown I mean him looking at me in complete bewilderment as I have a huge breakdown complete with jagged crying, lots of tissues, and a very unattractive, blotchy, swollen face.

Now, we've always known we will get engaged eventually, he's just waiting to get the money together and go shopping since I've already told him what I like. And he asked for my input on rings over a year ago, but he said that from that point on he really wanted me to stop asking/dropping hints so he could make it a true surprise for me. Which I appreciate. But honestly, at this particular moment in time I decided that I was simply DONE with holding everything in just to let him have his big surprise moment.

I wish I had been more composed and less emotional about the whole thing. But I can't go back now, and I honestly think I would have exploded had I not had the freakout moment that had been building in me for a long time. Basically, it ended like this... I told him that the worst part of not being engaged WASN'T the lack of a ring, but the fact that I was constantly getting my hopes up only to be bitterly disappointed when the last Christmas present I open isn't a ring, or when the clock strikes 12:01 on New Years Day and I start the year once again as a "girlfriend."

So, I asked him to give me a "I won't propose before this date" timeline. That way, I could stop getting my hopes up and stop thinking/worrying about it for at least a few months. AND..... he said that I shouldn't expect a proposal during 2008. And ladies, that's when the poo really hit the fan. I was expecting a timeline of 3, MAYBE 6 months - and I got a year??? I tried to hide my disappointment - but ultimately he could see how much it bothered me and he finally said "Listen, I AM planning on proposing during the next year, but I was trying to keep it a surprise. I promise we will be engaged by this time next year." While it made me feel better that he finally told me his intentions, I keep lying awake at night worrying that maybe I ruined the whole experience for both of us.

I know a lot of ladies on here have very strict timelines set with their BFs, and while I respect that, I never wanted to have a timeline myself. The surprise element is really important to both of us, and I know that the one part of the engagement that he's looking forward to is "seeing my face when I realize that it's actually happening." That, and marrying me of course.

So now I'm just really worried that my giant breakdown has made the whole engagement somehow contrived, or worse, demanded. I'm scared that when he finally DOES propose, I'll always wonder if maybe, just maybe, he hadn't planned on proposing in 2008, and he only agreed to it to make me stop crying.

Judging from what everyone on here has said in other posts, I'd be willing to bet that at least a few of you have had similar "jagged crying breakdown" moments. Those of you who HAVE had those moments, especially those of you who are already engaged: Did it in any way dampen your engagement moment?? Do you ever wish you had just kept your big mouth shut and let him do it on his own?? Do you still worry sometimes that he only proposed out of a fear of losing you, or as an attempt to appease you??

I'd really appreciate some comments here, from anyone who can give me advice. I just want to know if I've ruined the whole experience for myself, and for him.

 

[matildawong]

Hi ListlessLiz,

I don''t have any advice, but I did want to pop in and give you a little support. Hopefully someone will come in here with some words of help for you!

 

[ListlessLiz]

Thanks MatildaWong!
I was starting to get worried no one would reply... perhaps I''m channeling all of my nervous "please let him ask me soon" energy into "please let someone respond to my PS post soon" energy... is that healthier? or less healthy?

Seriously, any advice ladies? I''m just feeling pretty down about the whole thing and beginning to worry that I''ve ruined one of life''s biggest "tada, surprise!" moments by wanting to be in control of everything.

 

[justwondering]

Personally, I could never marry someone who hadn''t encountered my stressed-out, blotchy-faced episodes!

I don''t think you ruined anything by voicing your concern and opinion. My fiance and I have been through situations like that, and they have made us closer, since they allow us to understand each other. In my case, my FI wanted to get married before I did: I made him wait for about a year before I decided it was time to go ring shopping. Every couple has their own way of getting engaged, but I have never been a believer that men should have total control of the situation: If you are feeling ready, there''s no reason you should keep quiet! Marriage involves two people, and both should have a say in when an engagement happens...

Maybe I''m the exception, not the norm, but I say good for you! He should know how you feel, and from here, you can discuss the engagement more openly.

 

[Codependent Gal]

Well, some type of breakdown was probably inevitable in your case. Especially since you were expecting it so soon and he wasn''t planning on doing it for a much longer time. It''s probably best that he was able to tell you his intentions so that you won''t keep expecting it to happen on every holiday and you can relax since you know that it IS going to happen. It was hard for me to hide my disappointment and I too blew up after the holidays. I can''t even believe the way I was screaming and crying. Not very attractive, but I think it was just a result of me holding in all of my feelings, and his avoidance of ever wanting to talk about it that made it impossible to talk about like a rational human being. We have since been able to talk about it in a more reasonable fashion, but I think that it helped him to finally realize exactly how upset I was. And, I was able to tell him about all of the pressure *I* have been receiving from friends and family about our relationship.

 

[diamondfan]

I hate sound like a Debby Downer, but I think this is more common than we would like to think.

To me, it is similar to once you ARE engaged and can get the ball rolling on the wedding. You envision this blissful time, finding THE dress, a venue you love that you can afford, a fabulous caterer, great florist, no glitches, everyone being so great and supportive...and you get a poke in the eye. People act jerkily, your dream venue is booked, you cannot agree on budget...

I think you are waiting and wanting something, and he holds the cards right now. My hubby loves to drag things out and tease me and be in control, since he feels most things are NOT in his control, so when he can seize it he does. Not that your guy is doing this, but just saying, sometimes they just do not see the torture they are inflicting.

Now, though, blow up aside, you sort of can chill and know that things are progressing, which is very positive in my opinion!

 

[EricaR]

I was in your shoes not so long ago. I felt like all I wanted was to be engaged to K and he knew it, but since he was the one who would be doing the proposing it was like my whole future was in his hands.

If you haven''t yet, you should ask to sit down with him and have a calm, rational discussion about your future. I feel very strongly that while the actual proposal can be a surprise, the fact that it is coming shouldn''t be. Both of you need to be on the same page about where your relationship is now and where it is headed. I have always felt that there are so many "life issues" that need to be settled before you know if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want kids? What sort of wedding do you want? How will you split chores? Bills? Where will you live? Which family will you visit on Thanksgiving and Christmas? I could go on and on... I highly recommend John Gottman''s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Prior to getting engaged both of us read the book and went through the exercises. Some of them were fun, some were challenging, but all of them were useful.

If you have already had these discussions then great! Like I said before, I don''t think an engagement should be a surprise. In my case, I had picked out my ring, seen completed photos of it, knew it was hidden in the house somewhere and had guessed his plan for how he was going to propose and it was still the best moment of my life. When I realized what was happening it was like the world stopped. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart in my ears as he asked me to be his wife. Knowing that it was going to happen didn''t make it any less of an incredible moment.

To address one more thing, I wouldn''t have wanted him to propose out of fear of losing me OR as an attempt to appease me. I wanted him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I''ve seen relationships where the man proposed just to get the woman off his back and in both cases the relationships didn''t last. I very clearly remember sitting around at dinner with my friend Kimber who had harassed her poor boyfriend into proposing. She was very happily showing off her ring and focusing just on that while he sat there miserable. I have never seen such a miserable person before! She then rushed him to the altar and now, six years later, they just finalized their divorce last week.

I guess what the point I''m trying to make is that getting engaged is something that is extremely emotional, but at the same time it is a decision that needs to be made with the head, not the heart. Make sure the two of you are on the same page with everything. Tears and emotions are OK, guilt trips are not. The last thing you want is to always wonder if he proposed just to get you off his back. I really hope I made some sense here!

 

[Po10472]

LL - firstly, when you are feeling hyper emotional about something that is important to you sometimes all rationale goes out the window and that''s why you had jagged crying (very descriptive - i like) episode. You feel better about it, yeah? You got it off your chest so you should now be focusing on the suprise proposal and not over analysing how you''re going to feel when it happens or how your BF feels.

You got what you wanted, a timeline and you''ll get your proposal, just not when you expect it. And similar to Diamondfans DH, your BF is in control and not you, so stop putting yourself under more pressure and relax.

Once your time comes, you will be on cloud 9 and bursting with excitement but enjoy the wait, the anticipation of a surprise is a good thing, turn it into a positive experience and talk to you BH about how excited you are and I''m sure that will make him relax too.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 3/4/2008 1:17:35 AM
Author: diamondfan
I hate sound like a Debby Downer, but I think this is more common than we would like to think.

To me, it is similar to once you ARE engaged and can get the ball rolling on the wedding. You envision this blissful time, finding THE dress, a venue you love that you can afford, a fabulous caterer, great florist, no glitches, everyone being so great and supportive...and you get a poke in the eye. People act jerkily, your dream venue is booked, you cannot agree on budget...

I think you are waiting and wanting something, and he holds the cards right now. My hubby loves to drag things out and tease me and be in control, since he feels most things are NOT in his control, so when he can seize it he does. Not that your guy is doing this, but just saying, sometimes they just do not see the torture they are inflicting.

Now, though, blow up aside, you sort of can chill and know that things are progressing, which is very positive in my opinion!

Diamond got it spot on with the post above...but I want to add a few more things...

Did you ruin it? No, but you didn''t do yourself any favors either!

Waiting can be hard, no matter what you''re "waiting" for...from a job offer, to that new thing from ebay that shipped yesterday (hypothetically speak)...people get anxious when they knowing something is coming...be it an answer, purposal, or package. So, I don''t think you''re experiencing anything out of the norm, or all that unusual, and you''re just reacting to the build up in your own, special way.

I think the holidays are hard on LIW as a general rule. Even if a man says "I am not purposing on Christmas" a woman wanting a purposal will still get her hopes up that he said that just to throw her off his trail. So, when all the holidays go ring-less, it can be a big let down, even if you knew ahead of time that you werent supposed to get excited. And the fact of the matter is, a LIW does it to herself.

You boyfriend is doing the smart and responsible thing...he is saving money, so that he can eventually purchase you the ring of your dreams without going eyeball deep into debt over it. And, I hate to be harsh about this, but you probably made him feel bad when you threw your fit, like he''s failing or not meeting your expectations. The man you love is doing his best to get into a the strongest financial spot possible and you''re sucking the joy from the experience by being angry. He''s probably going without things he''d enjoy, so that he can give to you what you''ll enjoy. Thats very romantic, and conscious decision he''s making for the two of you...and every time you get mad that the purposal isn''t "right now" you''re hurting him.

I think it''s perfectly okay to talk about your feelings and the things you want...but, when you''ve both established "this is where the relationship is going" and you''re both comfortably on the same page, it''s time to let him do the work he needs to in order to get where you''re both going in life with putting crazy pressure on him. Most men don''t have thousands and thousands of dollars netted away on the off chance that they are going to purpose...and the fact is, he more than likely has to save...and if all he can do is put $5 or $10 or $100 away a week or month or whatever, it''s going to take time.

I really think you need to take deep breath, relax, and enjoy this stage of your relationship...because once you''re engaged, you can never go back to when your lives together were this simple. If you need to vent, buy a journal, and write him suto-letters...or blog on PS...but if you''re going to talk to him, go about it in a way that makes you very mature...only talk when you can use your words to express your feelings without going down an emotional rollercoaster.

 

[bee*]

Hey Liz, sorry to hear that things are a bit frustrating at the moment. I never had a real freak out with D when we talked about our relationship. We had the talk in Jan 06 and I thought that the proposal would happen within that year however D said that he needed up to the end of 07 to get all his ducks in a row as such. I was upset but after thinking about it, I understood his reasons for it. Like your bf, he wanted to buy the ring in cash, he wanted to get his career going etc. It did happen in Oct 07, and we bought the ring in July 07 (which was part of the reason why he said till the end of 07 as we wanted to buy the ring on our trip to NY). For me it didn''t ruin the proposal, it actually made it all the better as he was dying to propose himself at that stage. In the year and a half I brought it up with him about four times, but they were mainly just as I was so excited and they weren''t crying chats. I think that the main thing is that your bf is trying to do things right-it is better that he saves up the cash for the ring and you know that you will get engaged in the next year/year and a bit. Next time try and sit down and talk about it in a rational manner-if you think that you''re upset/frustrated at all, spend some time with yourself and don''t have the chat with your bf at that moment. I''m sure that your bf was upset by your talk, I don''t think that anyone would like to see their partner crying and shouting at them, so it might be worth sitting down when you''re feeling calm and explaining to him how you feel, without crying.

 

[ListlessLiz]

Oh ladies you''ve made me feel so much better I can''t even begin to describe it. I think my somewhat periodical posts/rants on here just let me get everything that''s swirling around my head OUT THERE... and it''s really nice to see that people take time out of their day to respond to it. It''s like having a journal that will cry with you when you''re sad, clap for you when you''re happy, and slap you when you''re being stupid! I love it, and I''m so glad I joined.

Like "Debbie Downer" said in one of the earlier posts, I do think these "jagged crying breakdowns" are a little more common that we''d like to believe. Mostly I just wanted to write my original post to make sure I wasn''t alone in my unnattractive whiny breakdown. I think being a LIW is really an experience of two dualing parts of your psyche - part of you WANTS to control everything, to know when everything is going to happen, to know exactly what the ring will look like. On the other hand, part of you doesn''t want to ruin the surprise experience that it seems like all those "other girls" whose boyfriends completely take charge of the situation after 6 months of dating get.

Ultimately, the surprise is something that''s important to me so I''m really going to try to keep all my worries to myself (or vent to you guys.) I certainly didn''t want to make him feel bad/guilt trip him when I had my freakout moment, but like you guys said - I can see how I might very well have succeeded in doing that anyway. I guess that the post-Holiday blues just get to you where you start to wonder - "Okay, we''ve talked about this. I know he wants to propose, but he''s obviously not doing that right now. If it''s taking him this long to do it, then is it something he really wants? What, exactly, is standing in the way of this big moment I''ve looked forward to for so long?" Gee... I wish my freakout moment had just been that sentence, spoken out loud in front of him.

Darn emotions getting in the way... But like I said, I can''t go back now. So you guys really think I haven''t ruined the surprise for myself??? I know my freakout was "OK," perhaps even warranted. But I still worry that it will somehow sour the big moment - I really want to have that moment that Erica R described when the world stops and all I can hear is my heart pounding in my ears. And I really want him to have that moment too.

 

[jbear]

I had a little post holiday freak out too. I had never done that before, but it was complete with blubbering tears. I expressed my doubt of his intensions and accused him of making a joke out of me. He let me know then that he was thinking of a plan and that he really wants this to be a surprise. I felt guilty and horrible when he told me that, and very sorry for how I had acted (like 5 year old).

After that I was convinced that not only would he not propose to me now, he''d probably break up with me over my freakish display. (I have a bit of a doomsday attitude). Well, of course he didn''t break up with me. I even suspect that he may have looked at some rings since then. So I guess our guys know that girls can get a little crazy over this issue. And if he truly cares for you, which he does, then he understands. And if he means to propose, then he''ll do it, even in spite of your occasional freakouts (but not because of them, so I wouldn''t recommend it).

 

[chocolatefudge]

ListlessLiz I could have written your post!! I feel exactly the same as you and my boyfriend sounds just like yours! He too wants it to be a surprise and I have no clue when it will happen. I also had an ''emotional breakdown'' over Christmas. He told me he wouldn''t propose so why did I get it into my head that he would?? A few days afterwards I went out for a walk and got myself more and more frustrated and ended up getting home and blowing up!
I felt annoyed at myself as I was trying so hard not to do that. He calmed me down (a bit!) but would not give any timeline. My birthday was in February and I was a little upset then when once again there was no proposal but I was very good this time and gave no clue that I was bothered!

I read many times on here of women telling us to enjoy our lady in waiting days as they are exciting but I don''t agree I really feel that I have passed the will he /won''t he stage and feeling excited about it, I''m fed up of waiting!! Aaaagggghhh!!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/4/2008 10:35:19 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Diamond got it spot on with the post above...but I want to add a few more things...

Did you ruin it? No, but you didn't do yourself any favors either!

Waiting can be hard, no matter what you're 'waiting' for...from a job offer, to that new thing from ebay that shipped yesterday (hypothetically speak)...people get anxious when they knowing something is coming...be it an answer, purposal, or package. So, I don't think you're experiencing anything out of the norm, or all that unusual, and you're just reacting to the build up in your own, special way.

I think the holidays are hard on LIW as a general rule. Even if a man says 'I am not purposing on Christmas' a woman wanting a purposal will still get her hopes up that he said that just to throw her off his trail. So, when all the holidays go ring-less, it can be a big let down, even if you knew ahead of time that you werent supposed to get excited. And the fact of the matter is, a LIW does it to herself.

You boyfriend is doing the smart and responsible thing...he is saving money, so that he can eventually purchase you the ring of your dreams without going eyeball deep into debt over it. And, I hate to be harsh about this, but you probably made him feel bad when you threw your fit, like he's failing or not meeting your expectations. The man you love is doing his best to get into a the strongest financial spot possible and you're sucking the joy from the experience by being angry. He's probably going without things he'd enjoy, so that he can give to you what you'll enjoy. Thats very romantic, and conscious decision he's making for the two of you...and every time you get mad that the purposal isn't 'right now' you're hurting him.

I think it's perfectly okay to talk about your feelings and the things you want...but, when you've both established 'this is where the relationship is going' and you're both comfortably on the same page, it's time to let him do the work he needs to in order to get where you're both going in life with putting crazy pressure on him. Most men don't have thousands and thousands of dollars netted away on the off chance that they are going to purpose...and the fact is, he more than likely has to save...and if all he can do is put $5 or $10 or $100 away a week or month or whatever, it's going to take time.

I really think you need to take deep breath, relax, and enjoy this stage of your relationship...because once you're engaged, you can never go back to when your lives together were this simple. If you need to vent, buy a journal, and write him suto-letters...or blog on PS...but if you're going to talk to him, go about it in a way that makes you very mature...only talk when you can use your words to express your feelings without going down an emotional rollercoaster.

It seems on these boards the main problem is that LIWs are frustrated that they don't have any control over their futures with their SOs. I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but you seem to almost side with the bf and heaven forbid that he feels guilty, or feels any of the consequences of their situation. Marriage is a two way street and, works only with the consent of both parties involved. I don't see why an engagement should happen on the bf's timeline only. If she wants to get engaged now and he wants to get engaged 2 years from now, that could be a problem that needs to be talked out and negotiated (when to propose vs cost of ring) to the best interest of the couple. If Liz is having breadowns because she doesn't agree with the timeline (and feels powerless to change it), that is not good for the couple.

Without trying to place blame or offend, I think the men in referred to in these forums need to hold at least some of the responsibility for the state of the relationship. One's future is serious business, and should not be toyed with just for the purpose of a surprise. We are all adults, and as such are solely responsible for our happiness -- we have a right to know if we're waiting 3 months or 3 years. It's not fair to decide our wait for us, without so much as a consulting us

. We've seen so many stories on this board where the LIW in question knew a proposal was coming, and was not FLOORED when it actually happened. The fact that your SO wants to marry you should be no surprise.

Sorry to be a downer, but I think that if having a timeline eases your anxiety you bf should give you one. If he doesn't have one, you need to decide if you're willing to wait indefinitely. Only then will the breakdowns decrease in frequency and intensity. I doubt we'd be so dissappointed if we knew exactly what our status was financially (do I have enough $ for the ring), and emotionally ( I am ready to get married).

Liz, I know you've said you want the proposal to be a surprise. As such you need to think carefully about that, and decide what you're willing to give up to have a surprise proposal. In my opinion the surprise is how/where the proposal is executed. When and if really have nothing to do with it.

P.S. when I say "when" I mean a short period of time, along the lines of a few months tops. When we start thinking years or many months it's bordering on cruelty IMHO.

ETA: I wonder what would happen if our bf's proposed to us, and we made them wait 2 years for an answer. I bet everyone would they we're cold and horrible for making someone wait that long for an answer. But in essence, when we tell them that we're ready to get engaged, and it takes them 2 years to ask us... what do you think they're practically doing....*they're making us wait 2 years for an answer*.

 

[lisamarie]

aww, i''m really sorry. i know exactly how you feel. i had a minor breakdown (more of an silent sobbing/i don''t want to talk to you right now sulkfest) recently too. i think the holidays just does that to us. you didn''t "ruin" anything by making him aware of how you feel. i was very insistent on a timeline as well -- i''d hate to get my hopes up every holiday, every vacation, every fancy dinner just to be disappointed. i don''t feel like i''m pressuring him to propose -- i know he''ll do it eventually -- i''m just trying to speed things along.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Btw, Liz, for the record, I don't think you ruined anything! Just read some of the proposal stories on this board, and you'll see that no matter how much they knew about their impending proposal, they were still surprised. I hope you take some time to think about your situation and get a handle on things, so that you can get through the waiting (at least somewhat) smoothly.

Best of luck!

 

[designchica]

Oh girl, if only you had been there for my MANY blotchy face swollen eyes breakdowns. My poor man, sometimes I think he just wants to get married so he doesn''t have to see me with cry face anymore.

Seriously though, if your man loves you, I seriousy doubt that your meltdown is enough to push him away. If anything, perhaps it showed him how important this is to you.

And another thing, he will NOT propose out of pitty. If he proposes, its because he wants to marry you. Perhaps you have sped up his timeline a bit but who says there''s anything wrong with lighting a fire under a man to make him work a little faster?

 

[iheartscience]

I just want to say that I completely agree with brooklyngirl''s big long post but I didn''t feel like quoting it!

Italianhaircolor, I just read somewhere else where you said you got engaged 3 months after you met your husband, right? So that''s probably why you''re finding it hard to empathize with LIWs like Liz. And yes, it may seem that they''re on the same page in that they have discussed marriage and agreed they want to get married.

However, it seems like a lot of times, women think they''re on the same page as their boyfriends, only to find out that when he said "soon" he meant in like maybe 2 or 3 years, and when she heard "soon" she thought "soon," as in the next 6 months.

I agree with justwondering completely-I could never marry someone I couldn''t freak out in front of! No, it''s not the best way to present your feelings, but that''s just the way it goes sometimes. Trust me, my fiance knew EXACTLY how I felt about getting engaged, when I thought we should get engaged, when we should have the wedding, etc. I don''t keep anything from him when it comes to my thoughts and feelings, and I think that''s really the healthiest way to be.

So I don''t think you ruined it at all! If anything, I think his taking forever to propose when you want to be engaged carries a higher risk of "ruining" it! (Of course it will be great when it comes, but you get what I''m saying!)

 

[diamondfan]

Look, you never want to get your way via a tantrum (who, me?!) but a guy who loves you will get it and not hold it against you, in mho. Your man, if you are contemplating a life together, must know and see that sometimes you lose it, and he needs to see that you do calm down afterwards. Everyone can have a moment here and there. That is part of real life.

Sometimes, post freak, if you are calmer and explain things, it can really make all the difference. I mean, you are who you are, and in times of frustration, this can be what occurs. Hopefully a guy who loves you realizes that, and does not hold it against you or propose just to appease you, though I am sure it happens.

 

[honey22]

We had a ''timeline'', 3 months at the time. At the end of 3 months, the anticipation was killing me and I was really upset when it didn''t happen. I didn''t explode (been there, done that) but I did write him an email (I find this gets my thoughts straight and prevents any *ahem* hissy fits). I basically said I had been waiting, had my hopes up etc etc and was thinking the worst.

His response - he didn''t want to tell me he was going to propose, he wants it to be a suprise, and he had thought of popping the question a few times during that timeline period, but it felt wrong to him to do it without a ring. I was blown away, I never knew he felt like this. All along, he had obviously been imagining this proposal, and he even said it didn''t work right without the ring. So, here we are today, ring is purchased, in the safe (been in the house 9 sleeps) and I am waiting. He is planning. Who knows, it might be days, weeks, months, but I know that he is waiting for the perfect time. And, while it''s driving me mad that its in the house !!!!!!!!!!!! it''s all that I need to know - he wants to marry me, he is gonna ask, he is just trying to get this right. There is an immense amount of pressure on guys to get it right so they must feel that this is their one big chance to make it wonderful.

I have made it clear to him I don''t want a big planned event production proposal I don''t want him to be pressured into doing something huge, or public or something he''s not comfortable about. I told him that he could write the magic words on dunny paper and I would be his forever, I don''t care. I just want it to come from the heart, and rest I''m not fussed.

 

[anchor31]

I''m pretty sure most of the ladies on this board who have been anxious LIW for some time had somekind of blowout at some point... I don''t think it ruined it for any of them. In my case, afterwards I was somewhat concerned that he''d do it out of pressure (a bit like you were), but I also felt that he needed to know before we married that I can be a very emotional woman and that I want to be involved in the decisions that concern me. A completely out of the blue proposal? Not for me, thank you very much.

That said, I''m sorry you''re disappointed with his timeline. It''s a classic case of "girl soon" vs "boy soon". "Soon" definitely doesn''t have the same meaning for each sex; heck, when we were first engaged, my FI thought that getting married two years later was "soon"! Riiight. Don''t be discouraged, it is coming. Chin up, girl!

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey Liz!
Why worry? You sound a bit like me and worry about everything. When the ''big moment'' comes, it''ll probably feel surreal, because there isn''t a tah-dah. It''s just ... life. Happy life!
He''s told you that this time next year, you''ll definitely be engaged. He sounds very reasonable and kind to me, it sounds a perfectly reasonable time frame. He doesn''t want you to suffer (or to be a Debbie Downer).
So if you like/love him, and you want to be his wife, enjoy the year and be good company! It''s gonna happen anyway!

If, on the other hand, you''re NOT engaged this time next year, you have (virtual) permission to bung it on again heheh

 

[HollyS]

Date: 3/3/2008 11:41:39 PM
Author:ListlessLiz
Okay, so a little after New Years this year my BF and I had a major breakdown about the whole ''engagement dilemma'' - of course, by breakdown I mean him looking at me in complete bewilderment as I have a huge breakdown complete with jagged crying, lots of tissues, and a very unattractive, blotchy, swollen face.

Now, we''ve always known we will get engaged eventually, he''s just waiting to get the money together and go shopping since I''ve already told him what I like. And he asked for my input on rings over a year ago, but he said that from that point on he really wanted me to stop asking/dropping hints so he could make it a true surprise for me. Which I appreciate. But honestly, at this particular moment in time I decided that I was simply DONE with holding everything in just to let him have his big surprise moment.

I wish I had been more composed and less emotional about the whole thing. But I can''t go back now, and I honestly think I would have exploded had I not had the freakout moment that had been building in me for a long time. Basically, it ended like this... I told him that the worst part of not being engaged WASN''T the lack of a ring, but the fact that I was constantly getting my hopes up only to be bitterly disappointed when the last Christmas present I open isn''t a ring, or when the clock strikes 12:01 on New Years Day and I start the year once again as a ''girlfriend.''

So, I asked him to give me a ''I won''t propose before this date'' timeline. That way, I could stop getting my hopes up and stop thinking/worrying about it for at least a few months. AND..... he said that I shouldn''t expect a proposal during 2008. And ladies, that''s when the poo really hit the fan. I was expecting a timeline of 3, MAYBE 6 months - and I got a year??? I tried to hide my disappointment - but ultimately he could see how much it bothered me and he finally said ''Listen, I AM planning on proposing during the next year, but I was trying to keep it a surprise. I promise we will be engaged by this time next year.'' While it made me feel better that he finally told me his intentions, I keep lying awake at night worrying that maybe I ruined the whole experience for both of us.

I know a lot of ladies on here have very strict timelines set with their BFs, and while I respect that, I never wanted to have a timeline myself. The surprise element is really important to both of us, and I know that the one part of the engagement that he''s looking forward to is ''seeing my face when I realize that it''s actually happening.'' That, and marrying me of course.

So now I''m just really worried that my giant breakdown has made the whole engagement somehow contrived, or worse, demanded. I''m scared that when he finally DOES propose, I''ll always wonder if maybe, just maybe, he hadn''t planned on proposing in 2008, and he only agreed to it to make me stop crying.

Judging from what everyone on here has said in other posts, I''d be willing to bet that at least a few of you have had similar ''jagged crying breakdown'' moments. Those of you who HAVE had those moments, especially those of you who are already engaged: Did it in any way dampen your engagement moment?? Do you ever wish you had just kept your big mouth shut and let him do it on his own?? Do you still worry sometimes that he only proposed out of a fear of losing you, or as an attempt to appease you??

I''d really appreciate some comments here, from anyone who can give me advice. I just want to know if I''ve ruined the whole experience for myself, and for him.

The fact that many people have had these ''fits'' in front of the BF, and really believe that they were justified in having them, is the real problem here. As hard as this may be to hear, you need the truth: you have pretty nearly ruined this moment for the both of you. If you truly believe that he is going to propose at some point, and you really do not doubt him when he says he will, why are you unable to trust him? Now you''ve thrown down a gauntlet -- you decided that he wasn''t planning this the way you wanted, when you wanted, and how you wanted. Where are his choices? Where are his decisions? And, why don''t you think he deserves any say-so in this process? You''ve told him that what he wants is not important to you. If he won''t do it your way, you''ll just have a hissy about it. What do you think he thinks right now about his future with you?

And yes, if he proposes in the next few weeks or months, he probably is doing it only because you forced him to. You did not respect him enough to let him do this in his own time.

It would be different if he was ''avoiding'' an engagement; you admit that you don''t think that. So, the only reason you have this problem is because you would not be patient.

This is not meant to be a rude comment, but I frankly do not understand how any of you can think you are justified in demanding an engagement. I don''t care how long you''ve been together; you can have the conversation, just don''t have the hissy.

 

[peridot83]

What did you ruin? Nothing in particular in my view. You basically just had a fight about your lack of communication. At least for me, lack of communication clearly shows when a normal, rational person explodes at their partner. It also shows in your story. 3 months (you) & over a year (him) are SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT expectations. He clearly thought he had basically all the time in the world, whereas you thought he''d get right on it.

Should you have:
Communicated to your partner calmly that you no longer want a complete surprise engagement? That you thought you wanted one, but the anticipation clearly makes you a nervous wreck and is not healthy for the relationship?

Clearly that would have been best. But you both had different expectations, and there needs to be a discussion regardless...isn''t it better now that you are both on the same page?

 

[Pandora II]

Let''s just say that the first words I said when he proposed were...

Oh my god, did I bully you into this?

My FI had made it VERY clear that he did not like the idea of marriage, didn''t want any kids - but wanted a permanent relationship with me. I made it equally clear that I did want to get married, that kids had to be a good possibility to be decided in the future, but a definite no would be a deal-breaker - and that I wanted a permanent relationship with him.

I had got to the point where I had gone home for a talk with my mother about whether marriage was truly important to me or not - then found PS where I found all the LIWs who made me see that it wasn''t just my SO who wasn''t dying to put something sparkly on my finger and drag me up the aisle asap.

His proposal was the biggest shock of my life - and the wretched man had spent 6 months planning (and that was without the ring)!

I had felt so awful that I hadn''t just sat there like a good girl waiting for him to propose - but if I hadn''t explained how things were going to be, I''d still be waiting now!

Buy yourself a copy of "Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others" and RELAX!

Oh, and I''m now getting married in July and were planning on TTC in September.

 

[Miscka]

I am late to this thread, but GREAT POST brooklyngirl.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/10/2008 1:50:44 PM
Author: Miscka
I am late to this thread, but GREAT POST brooklyngirl.

Thanks Miscka! Maybe this is all result of the crappy last few weeks I''ve been having, but, I see this all the time on these forums, and somtimes in my own relationship -- where we women think we''ve ruined the proposal, or are being unreasonable with our timeline, and absolutely *have* to follow our bf''s timeline. We have to stop thinking that we can fix our relationships all by ourselves. We need to stand up for our wants and needs, and hold our partners accountable for the state of the relationship, and the insecurity that arises from there. I am not saying we''re blameless by any stretch, but neither are our men!