Potential Family Drama - Please Advise

[AmberGretchen]

Hello ladies - so, my lovely bridesmaids are throwing me a shower, which is incredibly sweet of them. They are going to have it the week before the wedding because then the two who are from out of town can be there, and my favorite cousin (much older than me) is having it at her house. All of this is lovely, but there is a problem. The problem is that my mother and my stepmother will both be there. They have pretty much hated each other as long as I can remember, and my stepmom especially has pretty major issues with my mom. They have both pledged to act adult, and I kind of knew this was coming since it was incredibly impractical to have two showers and I couldn''t very well not invite either of them, but I got an e-mail from one of my bridesmaids today about it confirming it and it somehow just kind of hit me that its going to happen and I''m a bit stressed about it. Has anyone else been in this position before, and how did you deal with it? Many of my friends who haven''t met either of them will be there, and I''m concerned it will be embarrassing (though I plan to give them a heads-up beforehand). Does anyone have any specific advice from a situation like this?

Thanks in advance.

 

[FireGoddess]

I''ve never been in this sort of situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but would you consider talking to each of them separately (mom and stepmom) ahead of time and just say, ''I know you don''t get along with so and so but would you please promise me that you won''t let anything so and so might say or do at the shower to upset you? I''m really stressed out and this is one thing I don''t want to have to stress out about.'' Doing it this way makes each of them think they''re being the ''bigger person'' for you, and that might help them get over themselves (which is what they should do for you!) at your shower and wedding.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey FG - that''s actually what I''ve already done, and it may or may not work. I did the same thing before my graduation from college, but it didn''t work quite as well as it might have - there were no major blowups, but it wasn''t stress-free by any stretch of the imagination. And now my stepmom has added another layer of stress - she and my cousin haven''t been getting along ever since my stepmom put my cousin in the middle of a fight between me and her about a month ago - my stepmom called and said that somehting I did with my cousin at a family event was inappropriate and told me that it had made my cousin uncomfortable. So I called my cousin to ask about that and to apologize if I had made her uncomfortable, but she said she had never said that at all and it was totally inappropriate for my stepmom to say that to me, and then she got into it with my stepmom about that, and I guess things are still tense, so my stepmom''s now giving me a hard time about the fact that my cousin is hosting, but its already arranged with the bridesmaids and everything and so I think its really too late to change it.

Grrr....

 

[FireGoddess]

In this case it sounds like the best you can do is give your friends/guests a heads up and know that nothing your mom or stepmom do will reflect badly on you. I''m sorry to hear that your stepmom sounds so self absorbed that she can''t just have a good time for the sake of having a good time and honoring you. I do hope the shower goes by without incident, because you at least deserve these people to act properly and let go of their self absorption for a few hours!

 

[flopkins]

AG - I was BM and hosted a shower for my best friend at her dad''s house (I lived in a tiny apt at the time) and I was worried about it bc her parents are divorced. It was going to be a couples shower, and both sides were invited... and you know what, it worked out okay. They acted like adults, and although towards the end her mom had a few too many drinks and was starting to get a little upset (it was the house she and her ex husband had lived in for many years) it wasn''t too bad, no big blow ups or anything.

I think it''s one of those things where you''ve done what you can by talking to each of them, and there''s absolutely nothing you can really do... hopefully they will act like adults and share in the joy of your shower, but if not then just roll with it - you can''t make them like each other, or get along, or even be civil.

I know it''s causing stress on your part, but just try to let it go and not let it bother you. Two days before my wedding I found out my cousin wasn''t going to come to the reception because she had a dance rehearsal. I was pissed. Not only because she didn''t tell me herself, but the fact that I found out two days before, etc... etc... etc... I vented to my parents and BM about it, and they all told me, just forget about it, enjoy your day, there''s plenty of others who will be there who love and care about you... and after stewing for 24h I decided to not let it bother me, and it didn''t.

 

[AmberWaves]

AmberGretchen, that totally sucks! It sounds like your stepmom is just trying to make this as hard as possible for everyone else! Well, I don''t have that kind of thing, but my parents have seperated, so I''m constantly playing referee with them. A month ago they went to my brother''s wedding in Australia, and I told them both to get a long, be nice, and don''t do anything stupid. Well, they come home and I hear from each of them something the other did that was stupid. Since I didn''t go, I couldn''t say anything. I just hope they didn''t humiliate my brother and his new in-laws! I''m very stressed about my own wedding, too. They usually cause a scene, which is why I keep them apart most of the time, like you do. I really have no solution, but I do offer my support!

 

[amyg]

What a pain!!!! Sometime family can be sooooo difficult! I don''t think there''s a whole lot more you can do. Unfortunately you can''t control other peoples actions, so if I were you I''d just try my best not to get pulled into anymore disputes, keep most conversation with my stepmom brief, and just try and enjoy the day...I too have had issues with my stepmom, but things have gotten better over the years, it used to be that she and my mom wouldn''t be in the same room together, but thankfully it''s a lot better and they have actually done some planning for my wedding together!!!! A huge surprise, and they were both at a shower for me last weekend, and it was very pleasant. I really hope they can suck it up and be adults so as not to ruin your day...maybe you can try to arrange it where they are on opposite sides of the room????

 

[somethingblue]

AG - I have dealt with this for years now - graduations, etc. The only thing that really helped me was when I stopped worrying about it and let it just go. No one wants to look like the jaded/bitter/etc. person and in my case, everyone really has risen to the occasion. I think in part, maybe your stepmom likes the attention that the "potential conflict" could create. If at all possible, just expect it to go well and frankly, I would acted shocked an appalled if she says something and perhaps that will put misbehaving parties in their place.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thanks flopkins and Amberwaves.

Flopkins - I will try to take the advice to let it go as much as possible. I think that''s a really good point that I have to remember I really can''t control it. Plus, if my friends are truly my friends, they shouldn''t hold it against me anyway, right??

AmberWaves - that sounds so much like my parents! They used to have screaming matches in public when I was there. SO immature and inappropriate. Over the years, things have settles somewhat, and interestingly, my dad and my mom are actually pretty civil to each other, its really my stepmom, who, as you said, seems to enjoy making things difficult. She is just kind of emotionally unstable and always has been, and so she tends to get her feelings hurt really easily and then get really angry about it. This thing with my cousin is a perfect example - she and my cousin got in this fight and then she''s really upset that my cousin hasn''t called her back since then. Now, I''m sure part of that is ''cause my cousin is angry, but she''s also preparing to go to Africa, which is very exciting but also very scary for her, and she had a kidney stone about a week and half ago. I told my stepmom this but she is still acting hurt and I think its a bit excessibe under the circumstances...

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Yikes~I''m sorry Amber! I don''t have anything new to add, but I can say if anything does happen it won''t be reflected on you. People will most likely be saying "I can''t believe Amber''s mom and stepmom acted so immaturely at her beautiful wedding." I can understand your stress...but I hope everything will work out for you!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thanks also amyg and Something Blue - it really does help to know that others have gone through the same thing. It does sound like the best thing is to really try hard to just let it go as much as possible (not something I''m very good at, but I''ll certainly try)!

 

[Gypsy]

Well I was freaked for my law school graduation cause my father and stepfather... who hated each other would be there.... and was shocked they behaved themselves.

Really the best thing I did was talk to each individually and used their mutal dislike to my advantage. Made it like a competition to see who could behave the best.

To stepdad, "I know I can count on you to be the mature and responsible one. I know you have too much class to start anything... or to get pulled into anything unseemly."

Said the same thing to my dad. Both men looked smug and superior all day. Things went off without a hitch.

ETA: just read the rest of thread.

Okay here's the thing. Can you talk to your father about it? Tell him you'd rather not have her there and that you'd rather just-- for the sake of her comfort-- go out to a nice lunch with her just the two of you? I wouldn't want that woman anywhere near my shower... she has no allegance to you. Only to herself and her drama... and that spells trouble.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Thanks IrishAngel for the sympathy - it really helps to have the understanding from people here.

Gypsy - I wish I could do that (ask that she not come). The one time I did when I was 16 my dad threatened never to speak to me again, and I can''t quite handle that level of drama 6 weeks before the wedding, and so I''m trying to just keep the peace from now until the wedding. My FI agrees with you though (but he will support me in anything I do) - I will definitely have some sorting out to do after the wedding is over.

 

[Selkie]

HI Amber,
I feel for you, since my FI''s stepmother is apparently still very jealous of his mom, even though the divorce and remarriage were over 25 years ago! Plus his dad is pretty much alcoholic, albeit highly functioning, and prone to making big emotional scenes when drunk. I think we''ll just threaten to make anyone who misbehaves walk the plank (wedding at sea)!

Seriously, though, is there any way you can get the hostess to assign your mom and stepmom important "jobs" that will keep them occupied, and out of each other''s way? Or at least your mom? Maybe she could be the designated gift tracker, who writes down who gave you what? Or maybe conscript a trustworthy BM into sticking by your mom the whole time, and making sure sparks don''t start to fly? Like others have said, I think that if anything does happen, people will recognize that it has nothing to do with you, and will be able to overlook it.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay so. Here's another idea. Is there anyone in your family and friends that your stepmother is particularly fond of... who you also have a good relationship with? If so, call that person up and ask them for a favor. Ask them to babysit her for the day. To be the person she confides her venom in, who she makes spitefull comments too... to be her ally-- but while at the same time preserving the outward impression of congeniality.

And call your dad up and telling point blank that if she causes a scene she will not be invited to the wedding. Whether or not that means him missing his daughter's wedding, because for one in your life you are putting yourself first. And remind him of the scandal and humiliation that will cost HIM-- if it happens. OR tell him you won't speak to him again, and he can forget about meeting his grandkids. And that's it. You threaten him this time. Bully's don't like it when people stand up to them. Call his bluff with one of your own. Or have your Fi do it. You don't need this crap. Your not 16 anymore, and you don't have to take it from him.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Gypsy - I wish it were that simple with my dad - he has no communication at all with one of his four kids (my half-sister) and minimal communication with another (my half-brother). I think after the wedding I might be willing to take such a drastic step, but somehow right now I just don''t feel ready, although my FI has certainly suggested such a thing, as have many of my friends.

Its even more tempting right now - my stepmom just sent me this long e-mail asking all about who from her family has RSVP''ed to the wedding and making "suggestions" about who should be seated together - as though I''m an imbecile who can''t figure this out for myself, and as though I need instructions from her!

 

[galeteia]

*wince*

You have my sympathies. This sort of thing is the last thing you want rearing its ugly head at what is supposed to be such a special and supportive event.

The wedding ceremony itself is a few years off for me still, but I already know that of everyone related to me, only my mother and one uncle and his wife will be invited to attend. My S.O.'s huge extended family is/are 'folk' from Kentucky and I know that my snotty, mean, over-educated family will going into a feeding frenzy with so many ripe targets to mock.

There will be a sh*tstorm of Katrina proportions when my family gets wind of the snub, but I don't want them acting like piranas at my wedding. I don't deserve an irate family member ruining my big day, and neither to do you.

I'm kinda with Gypsy on this one. I hope everything goes well at the shower! *crosses fingers and roots for you*

 

[Gypsy]

Forgive the bluntness.

But your dad is an ass and your stepmother a bitch.

SO. IF you don''t feel you can deal with any further drama. That is what you need to accept. When things happen just repeat that to yourself. It''s actually quite comforting. My FMIL is a bigot. She''s a pain in my arse. And quite often, I want to smack her.

I find tht repeating over and over to myself that she is a small minded STUPID bigot helps me deal with her. It reminds me not to have any expectations beyond that with her. And with such low expectations... well, I''m rarely disappointed. *shrugs* I don''t know if that makes any sense. But I find that the lower my expectations are with her, the happier I am. The more hope I have of her behaving... the more I set myself up for hurt.

So... embrace it. Lower your expectations. And well... at the very least, nothing will surprise you. And you won''t have the anxiety at night of ''what''s she going to say/ do next"... because well... it''s usually not worse than what you are expecting.

 

[widget]

AmberGretchen:

I am so sorry to hear your concerns. Sadly, such "tense" family situations seem so common these days...

I would urge you to heed the advice of others who have said "Rise above it and ''let it go''. Your shower and of course the wedding to follow are about YOU AND YOUR FIANCE...celebrating one of the most exciting, happiest days of your lives. It''s NOT about whatever problems exist between other family members!

Their problems should be their problems, and not yours...particularly at this important time.

The saddest thing about this kind of stuff is that even if the warring "grownups" behave themselves, the kids can be so sensitive the underlying hostility that their fun and joy is compromised! I just hate that. It''s so unfair...

I guess it''s simplistic to say: just let go... but truly hope that you can do it. I hope you have a glorious time at the shower, sharing your joy with your loving friends and those family members who can share it with you.

If some find that difficult...that should be their problem, and their loss....NOT YOURS!!

Best wishes, Dear...
widget

 

[Linda W]

OH Good Lord, your step-mother sounds like a royal pain. Can''t you just ignore her emails? I certainly would.

If parents, as well as step-parents, would only realize what they do to their children with all of this bickering. If it were me, I would just delete her emails.

JMO though. Linda