potential landmine -- invitation wording

[staceybelle]

I''ve encountered my first sticky situation in the wedding planning process. Any suggestions would be much appreciated! First, background:

My parents divorced when I was twelve. My mother moved to another city, and I was raised by my father in the town where I was born. (This occurred for reasons I don''t care to discuss -- I''ll just say that it was an ugly divorce and leave it at that.) From the time my mom moved until I graduated from college, my dad was the active parent in my life, both emotionally and financially. I received a full ride to college, and my dad gave me a generous allowance for spending money/incidentals. My mom contributed some when she saw fit, but her contributions were nowhere near the same magnitude of my dad''s. My dad has resented this for a long time. My parents are still not on friendly terms, which will probably make for some interesting moments at the wedding, but I''ll save that for another discussion.

My mom remarried when I was sixteen. (My dad has yet to remarry.) Though my stepdad and I have had one or two not-so-happy moments, we get along pretty well, and I''m pleased that Mom has found someone who makes her so happy. However, he has not had a hand in raising me, since he and Mom live so far away. Most of my interaction with him occurs around holidays and major events.

When I got engaged, my dad agreed to pay for half of the wedding if my mom agreed to pay for the other half. She did, and we''ve had fun so far planning things together. My dad has said that he''s pleased that my mom and I are having this experience together, because it''s a once-in-a-lifetime, mother/daughter thing. All has been well so far.

Now we get to the crux of the problem: time to order invitations. The other day, I asked my mom if she wanted to have my stepdad''s name on the invitation as a host, and she said yes. I respect that, because anytime one member of a marriage makes a financial contribution to something, the other is contributing by default. I''ve researched etiquette for invitations issued by divorced parents hosting jointly, and the correct wording would look like this:

Mr. & Mrs. Stacey''s Stepdad
Mr. Stacey''s Dad
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Stacey Belle (not my real middle name, btw)
to
Stacey''s fiance
etc.

Most etiquette books I have read state that the mother''s name should be first. However, I think this wording lends itself to the appearance that my mom and stepdad are my primary parents, and my dad is an afterthought. I think my dad would be offended to see an invitation worded that way, all things considered. Would it be an enormous travesty to have the invitation read:

Mr. Stacey''s Dad
Mr. & Mrs. Stacey''s Stepdad
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Stacey Belle
to
Stacey''s fiance
etc.

? Or would you suggest something completely different?

Oh, and by the way, if you had the patience to read all of that, God bless you. Who knew this kind of thing could get so complicated?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m not sure if there''s room for this but what about

Mr. Stacey''s Dad and Mr. & Mrs. Stacey''s Stepdad

Or

"The Parents of Staceybelle"

 

[cara]

Sorry, hudsonhawk, but, staceybelle, please don't put them all on one line. It makes it looks like they are in a three-way marriage, as people connected by "and" on one line in that way are implied to be married to each other.

I don't think that it would be the worst etiquette violation to do what you propose, staceybelle. But if you do it, you should both deny your reasoning and plead ignorance of the etiquette, to spare other people reading in the meaning that you are putting into the order.

In this instance, no one should read any hidden information in the order the hosts are listed. There is a rule on the books about how to order hosts that has nothing to do with their importance as hosts or in the rearing of their child. You want to reverse the order so as to imply something about the hosts' importance to you.

I just think you are making a mistake by politicizing it. It is much safer, should anyone comment (which I doubt they would), to reply impersonally, "Oh, the mother is supposed to be listed first," as if you were filling in a form.

The other even safer option is "together with their families"...

 

[karasue91]

I am in the same situation, mom remarried, dad didn''t. Since I can''t stand my stepfather but don''t want my mom to feel weird about it, I''m planning to put something like,

"Together with their parents,
Kara Sue
and
Mr Kara Sue
request the honour of your presence
at their wedding"

 

[Independent Gal]

Ohhhh, I hear ya. I went through this about a month ago.

Put your dad first, your mom and step-dad on the line after that. Absolutely. Why not?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don''t think it sounds like that at all, infact that''s how my parents have asked to have their names listed on my invitations. They have different last names and for the most part, the people going to the wedding know the family and are aware of the divorce/remarrying issue.

It''s the 21st century forget about proticol and do it however you want to Stacey.

 

[BriBee]

Date: 11/9/2007 12:55:15 PM
Author:staceybelle

Mr. Stacey''s Dad
Mr. & Mrs. Stacey''s Stepdad
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Stacey Belle
to
Stacey''s fiance
etc.

IMHO, I like this one. I''m not even close to this part of planning (engaged for 3 days

) but I''ve already had people tell me that there are many instances where you need to consider your own feelings and what you want. As long as this doesn''t COMPLETELY offend/hurt someone, I''d go with this.

 

[surfgirl]

Sweetie, why not just say "Together with their parents..." That way, you avoid the weirdness you''re trying to avoid. It''s a very common way to word things now and it alleviates the "who''s the more active parent" issue.

 

[cara]

Date: 11/9/2007 2:14:54 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I don''t think it sounds like that at all, infact that''s how my parents have asked to have their names listed on my invitations. They have different last names and for the most part, the people going to the wedding know the family and are aware of the divorce/remarrying issue.


It''s the 21st century forget about proticol and do it however you want to Stacey.

The proper etiquette is that "and" should only be used to connect spouses or siblings on one line of a formal invitation or address.

That''s just the formal rule. If you are consistently ignoring etiquette and tradition in your wedding invitation, then perhaps you could ignore the "and" rule as well and no one will note this one mistake in light of the larger non-traditional choices.

But staceybelle has presented us with a very traditionally-worded invitation, and is asking questions about etiquette. So clearly she is somewhat concerned about how it will look, and what the implication will be in light of others that know the proper etiquette for wedding invitations.

In this instance, putting all three parents on one line, in the context of a formal wedding invitation, looks like a mistake to me (and to other people that know the rule)! Hmm, are they all married? Well, I certainly hope the parents are not siblings! Maybe an uncle is co-hosting?

The point of etiquette, in many instances, is to spare people''s feelings by requiring civility under certain rules when another impulse might arise. In this instance, I think etiquette is staceybelle''s friend in ordering her parents. Etiquette does not require that you choose your favorite parent and list them first, or that you list hosts in order of their financial contributions. The standing rule is arbitrary and gender-based and does not make her choose her favorite.

But after all this writing, I don''t care anymore. Please use "Together with their parents" if you want to be inclusive and neutral, and list your dad first if you are more interested in demonstrating how much you love and appreciate your father relative to other hosts.

(Which might be true, this just isn''t the best place for it. How about a lovely toast instead?)

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/9/2007 12:55:15 PM
Author:staceybelle

Mr. Stacey''s Dad
Mr. & Mrs. Stacey''s Stepdad
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Stacey Belle
to
Stacey''s fiance
etc.

Screw the etiquette book! If you feel that this one is the one you should be using according to your situation, do it! I like it.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ditto.

ETA: I meant, ditto Indygal and Anchor's suggestions.

That whole ladies first, no matter what thing is a bit of an anachronism, no?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

If it were me, I would put dad first under the circumstances.
Does it send a message? Yes, but how many people are really going to notice? I know the first thing I do when I get an invitation is not to look to see how it was ordered and what that might mean. For your piece of mind I think you should do it that way. Really traditional wording is usually some thing like "Mr and Mrs smith invite to the wedding of their daughter Jane Smith to John Brown, son of Mr and Mrs Brown".
I personally hate that wording because it makes me feel like I am being sold. So if your wording isn''t that traditional and your family isn''t that traditional, what''s the problem?

 

[Pandora II]

It''s normally unusual to include a step-parent unless they have had a major part in raising you.

The Debretts guidance is:


Mr John Smith and Mrs Edward Jones
request the etc

of their daughter
Stacy

If parents are just divorced - Mr John Smith and Mrs Jane Smith

If remarried it is correct for the woman to be Mrs husbands first and last name.

This could be a way of getting everyone acknowledged.

 

[staceybelle]

Thanks for all the input, ladies. Pandora, I''ve been reading a little more, and I think you are correct. Crane''s says the same thing.

http://www.crane.com/etiquette.aspx?C=WeddingEtiquette&S=WeddingInvitation&I=Divorced_Parents

So it would go like this (exactly as you suggested):

Mrs. Stacey''s Stepdad
Mr. Stacey''s Dad
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Stacey Belle

Perhaps the rules of etiquette are designed that way to avoid the exact situation I was faced with.

Thanks again for all your suggestions. I really do appreciate the help.