Practical or Romantic? Compromise?

[dbgaap]

I need to reconcile myself to the selection of a setting. I have learned a lot on Pricescope (THANK YOU SO MUCH to all the knowledgeable posters, you know who you are AnA, Mara, pqcollectibles, etc etc) so the stone selection will probably go smoothly.

It’s the setting I am struggling with – and here is my dilemma:
This e-ring project started when my boyfriend sent me an email (with a link to Tiffany’s website) saying “I think this ring would look great on you!”
I was thrilled and I thought, “OK! I doubt if Tiffany’s sells ANYTHING I wouldn’t like!” and I clicked away. The beautiful ring that showed up was something I would have never in a million years picked for myself, BUT it is classy, elegant, un-gaudy and un-tacky.

Since then, I’ve warmed up to the setting he loves, but …
The purchase commitment will commence within the next month or so. Now is the time to speak up or forever hold my peace.

I asked my Mom and she said, “You take that ring and you wear it and you love it!”
I admit I have a streak of control-freak in me.
Should I tell him I’d like something different? I know he will say YES, OF COURSE. Or should I willingly surrender a little on this, as a gesture of what marriage is all about – being grateful for him, seeing the glass half full, all that give’n’take stuff.
I will live with the choice I make.
So anyone out there with a crystal ball?
What would you do?

p.s. I wish all ‘problems’ were this delicious. I am grateful, I really am.

 

[strmrdr]

Im going to get slammed for this but as long as it isnt something you will truely hate then leave it to him to decide.
my 2c :}

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Which ring is it? Please post a picture from the Tiffany web site

!

Michelle

 

[dbgaap]

http://www.tiffany.com/expertise/diamond/rings/engagement_etoile_ring.asp?ring=gold&




Hmm, I don't know how to upload a pic or post a link - so let's see if this works.

 

[katbadness]

What is more your style?

I'm with you there, I have quite a bit of a control-freak in me. So IMHO you'd probably better off talking with your bf about it.

Maybe you can do something like this... Take a close look at the picture of the ring he suggested, ask him what he likes about it. Then maybe show him a picture of something you'd pick on your own and share what you like about it with him ,too. Discuss what elements you would like to have and compromise with what elements he'd like to have, and hopefully both of you can reach a comfortable ground somewhere.

I'm saying this because I'm in the same boat with you, except we're not even in the ring design stage. My bf prefers RB because it's gives the optimum performance for a diamond, I'd like something that's 'different' than what everybody else has. So we're currently exploring what elements we like and what elements we can live with.

Just my 2 cents, of course. Because, at the end of the day, it's your choice.

 

[sumi]

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On 3/18/2004 9:46:14 AM strmrdr wrote:

Im going to get slammed for this but as long as it isnt something you will truely hate then leave it to him to decide.
my 2c :}
----------------

I agree with strmrdr, with a catch. I think this might be a minority position here, but I do think that your BF should have a lot of input in the style of the e-ring. After all, this is an extremely sentimental gift. It's not just a birthday present, you know? However, you are the one who is going to have to wear the ring, so obviously your own likes/dislikes need to be weighed heavily against his preferences. I had no input on my e-ring, my husband designed it himself. I LOVE the fact that this is something that he did all on his own, that he came up with something just for me that he thought I would like. On the other hand, our styles are very similiar and I really love my ring.

If you think that this ring really doesn't match your style, why don't you go with your BF to pick out a new one together?

 

[Kay]

The Etoile ring he picked is a lovely, elegant ring, but it wouldn't be my choice for an engagement ring either. You're going to wear the ring every day for the rest of your life, so I think you should speak up, tactfully, if you prefer a different style.

If he bought the ring for you as a surprise and presented it to you, then it would be very difficult to graciously indicate you might prefer a different style, but he has not purchased the ring yet. You are clearly involved in the buying process with him. He e-mailed the picture to you, so I think he would welcome your opinion even if he did not ask for it in so many words. Only you know him well enough to determine if his feelings will be hurt if you offer other suggestions. Maybe you could suggest going out together to try on settings so you both can see what different styles looks like on your hand. Tell him the setting he chose is beautiful, but you always pictured your e-ring as a classic solitaire (or whatever style you prefer). Just my opinion.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide.

 

[dbgaap]

http://weddingband.com/dvatche/ptsolxp802b.gif I wear mostly sterling silver jewelry so I had thought white gold or platinum would blend better with my style. He gave me a slender wg ring with black & white pave diamonds last fall and it fits my style beautifully. I want to keep wearing that on my right hand. The L'Etoile is a little less feminine than I'd hoped for.

 

[dbgaap]

OK, let's see if this works. Here's a pic of something I like.


You all are giving me some great ideas, so I do appreciate it.

 

[NewShiny]

Dear DB,
I agree with you in wanting something more feminine. My finger is a skinny size 4, and that thick band just wouldn't work for me. That said, I think this is a purchase that both of you should be absolutley thrilled about, so don't feel shy about speaking up regarding your preferences. BF said to me, "you have to wear the ring, so you pick it". Worked just fine for me! In fact, when we ordered my setting, the floor model had been sold, (BF wasn't in the store when I first saw it) but we ordered it anyway because he trusted that I had already picked out what I really wanted! I realize this is a little extreme for some couples, but my point is that I fully believe that both of you need to be 110% happy with the decision.

(My apologies to all you romantics that wouldn't dream of discussing the ring/setting with your intended before popping the question . . . )

 

[RaeAnn]

We've just been down this road together! My DF and I have very different ideas of what looks good on my fingers. His original idea for my ring I HATED. My original idea for my ring, he HATED. So we found a way to compromise and looked and looked and looked for a setting that we BOTH can agree on (not so Victorian for me, not so skinny for him), and we both think it's beautiful. It's more my taste than his, but he's not wearing it every day for the rest of his life, I am. But I also wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to look at my hand every day for the rest of HIS life and think "I'm really not crazy about that..."

My two cents: If you have the opportunity to give input on your e-ring, you may be doing yourself a disservice if you don't take it. If his taste and yours align pretty well, no worries, but if they don't.... The advice I've gotten from my sisters and friends is that you need to love your ring the second you put it on, if you have any doubts (same goes for deciding on a man!), down the road you may not like it at all.

And don't forget--a lot of guys, at least the guys I'm friends with, have taken girlfriends shopping for rings ahead of time to find out what they like so that they know they're getting something she's going to like. It's definitely not something to get into blindly! And he'd more than likely be unhappy if you were anything less than 100% thrilled with your e-ring--that's a moment that will be all his for the rest of his life, I'm sure he wants it to be perfect for you too.

Happy hunting!

 

[aljdewey]

I personally suspect that he's sending it to get feedback from you on whether you like it or not. However, there's a subtle way to approach this without hurting his feelings.




A soft way to handle this would be to say "Gee, it looks beautiful in the picture, but it's hard for me to visualize what that would look like on. How would you feel about us going to try it on and see how it looks on the hand?" Try on his suggested ring and other ring styles and give your honest feedback on what you think of each. You may find that you BOTH prefer another style on you.




Jewelry is like clothing.....some things look great on the rack, but they look like crap on me. Some look like crap on the rack but they look GREAT on me. I find this with jewelry, too. My friend has a ring that I love, but it just doesn't look right on my finger.

 

[mike04456]

I agree with alj. It sounds like he wants your opinion, so I would give it to him (but tactfully

).

 

[MichelleCarmen]

----------------
A soft way to handle this would be to say 'Gee, it looks beautiful in the picture, but it's hard for me to visualize what that would look like on. How would you feel about us going to try it on and see how it looks on the hand?' Try on his suggested ring and other ring styles and give your honest feedback on what you think of each. You may find that you BOTH prefer another style on you.

Alj's idea is a great one and I too recommend doing this. To tell you the truth, there's been a few pieces on the Tiffany site that I've drooled over but tried on in the store only to be disappointed at how unsuitable they looked on me.

You've got to try on something as significant and long term as an eng. ring before making a choice, IMO, and I agree the etoile isn't all that feminine and wouldn't pick it either

Good luck and hope you find the ring of your dreams. Please keep us updated.

Michelle

 

[Chas_T]

I would tell your future husband what you would like for your setting. Relationships are about compromise and when I/We picked out the setting for my fiance', I looked at her tastes and style. What I selected initally, was not the setting she preferred. I choose this Whitehouse Bros. setting in platinum initally:

http://www.whitehousebrothers.com/detail.php?id=18

She decided on the DVatche Royal Crown channel setting in yellow gold. We were on two different planets for sure. Venus/Mars??

Actually my method on finding out what she liked was we sat down one evening and browsed Pricescope. We looked at The "Show Me The Ring Thread" and I took mental notes what she liked and disliked. Perhaps that is a method to use if you are not comfortable with asking him to change the setting.

One thing I learned is when buying jewelry for women is that I will not be wearing the ring. You kind of have to think out of the box and not what you like, but what she would want. The lady has to live with it every day, so why not give her what she wants, rather then what I think would be best for her. However, I did choose the stone size and the time of proposing!! She never saw it coming!! Very cool.

Much luck,
Charles

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
One thing I learned is when buying jewelry for women is that I will not be wearing the ring. You kind of have to think out of the box and not what you like, but what she would want. The lady has to live with it every day, so why not give her what she wants, rather then what I think would be best for her. However, I did choose the stone size and the time of proposing!! She never saw it coming!! Very cool.

Much luck,
Charles

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I LOVE your perpective!

That said, I think Lawgem is right. He's fishing for suggestions. Gently give him some. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have asked. .."that's nice - but I look at this setting - I could really see me wearing that everyday"

 

[dbgaap]

Hey - lotsa great feedback and all quite accurate, I think. I thought it would be pretty funny if he is actually surfing the web for info and came across my posts! I have tried to articulate myself without giving too much private info, ya know... but this whole thread would really bust me! I'm gonna have to show it to him some day and we'll laugh.




Anyway, the most important thing to avoid will be a sentence like "Oh, by the way, I don't want THAT ugly ring" which of course I would never say. (And I don't think it's ugly at all, it's more like it's the first runner-up)




Anyway here's something I found that might just please us both:


http://www.lieberfarb.com/engagement/platinum_noaccents/10b.shtml




Unfortunately it seems to come in platinum only (and i can't see myself happy with the patina down the road) but, hey, the design is lovely and proves there is some middle ground in our tastes.




We actually did not talk about this last night but he must have been thinking about it, too, becuase he made some comment that it makes sense for me to be picky about my e-ring if he compares it to his motorcycle. There is no way I could pick out a motorcycle for him and get it right.




Thanks, y'all.............

 

[dbgaap]

Your ideas about looking at rings in person is right on target. We've already been in a half dozen stores doing that.


I just haven't been real commital about the setting.


I started leaning towards the solitaire last weekend, and he asked if I was going there to save money. I said, 'well we could start out with the solitaire and upgrade later, right?' He told me no, don't skimp and let's make sure we get it right at the outset.


I guess it just took me all this while to admit that L'Etoile wasn't my first choice and I'm going towards a solitaire cuz I just plain like it.




There have been some real interesting threads lately about surprising her vs. picking the ring together.


For BF & me, it's therapeutic to go through this together and gradually adjust to the huge commitment we are making. Plus, those jewelry store visits can be pretty .....uh... energizing. OK, the FCC will cut me off if I say any more. hee hee

 

[Mara]

Ooh I am not a fan of that Tiffany Etoile either, its too manly for me. Then again I like filigree and pave.

I would definitely speak up! Sometimes parents are in an older school frame of mind, e.g. the man makes the decisions or don't speak up or who knows. But in today's society, the woman has a say and a darn big one at that most of the time.




Don't hurt his feelings but since you have visited stores, keep pointing out things you really like, and I would also throw in a few things that may tie back to the etoile (assuming he actually listens, a trait most guys have not yet perfected), such as 'I really like more simple rings that are thinner...more feminine' or similar. If you feel like subtly is completely lost on him, I would just say..."you know that Tiffany ring isn't really my style, sweetiepiesnookums. But I still love you."




We also had some different opinions on what we liked, but somehow we managed to make it come together, partly because we had a custom design. But we both loved it and that was important to me. I didn't want to wear something that I didn't like OR he didn't like. We BOTH had to look at it for a really long time!




So my two cents are speak up but be sensitive about it, and determine which method works better...being blunt but loving about it, or continuing to drop subtle hints and not really knowing if he is picking up on them (THIS would drive me nutso, I am a control freak too..ehehe).




One last note is that he obviously must know you are a control freak and still love ya, so I wouldn't be too worried that he would take things the wrong way IF you deliver it correctly.

Good luck Gal!

 

[tessa]

Another thing about ring shopping together is that you can not only tell how you like the looks of something but you can also tell if it will feel good asnd work for you.

I have bought shoes, purses, and, yes- rings too, only to find that as lovely as they were I just could not wear them comfortably on a day to day basis.

I think many re-sets come from this also.

 

[dbgaap]

The decision has been made ......




Writing these posts helped me to sort through my feelings. My fear of hurting his feelings made me more agreeable than usual.




So I went to a couple of B&M's by myself and tried on rings until I was sure of my own opinion.


That made it a lot easier for me.




He loves the Vatche x-prong I picked.


We'd also been eyeing a stone at the local B&M and he declared the shopping to be finished!


He said, "OK, I think I can take it from here".


So.... whaddya think of that?!


I was real relieved at first -


But now, well - I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN OR HOW I WILL RECEIVE MY RING.


And guess what, there appears to be NOTHING I can do about it.


Boo hoo


/idealbb/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif


Patience is a virture.

 

[Nicrez]

Welcome to the club! y guy wanted to get me a ROUND stone in a Tiffany prong setting. Talk about the opposite of ME! He sent some princess pictures with trilliant sides over to "look" at, and I gagged. I had wanted a three stone ring, and he had initially thought an e-ring should have one stone, being symbolic of the oneness...Guess what, talking to him, I didn't get the 3 stone princess ring I wanted at first, I got a Radiant (which we BOTH love) in a simple solitaire setting. He even supersized it from my initial statement that 1.25-1.5ct was MORE than enough.

You said that compromise is what marraige is about. Agreed. Some people believe that a compromise should be silent and one-sided. Well, if you have good communication, why shouldn't the other person discuss the options and each one voices their likes/dislikes, and THAT is how a compromise is made. All the facts on the table, both making a unified decision where the details are compromised, part by part.




He got me to love the idea of a solitaire and i sold him on the shape of the stone. I also wanted pave all around the band or diamonds all over (more is better), but he said simple, and I agreed...we can compromise on the wedding ring full of diamonds...MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

GOOD FOR YOU!!! And he made me wait over a month with torturous blurry pictures hidden in my camera, and teasing me...I hope yours is nicer to you...But when I DID get that ring...man it was worth the wait and I know yours will be too!!!!

 

[Mara]

Yay dbg...congrats on a great compromise.

 

[dbgaap]

Nic - have you posted pic's yet?


Your ring sounds gorgeous.

 

[Nicrez]

No...it's still in the simple WG setting. It's set like the Eifel Tower, but i will have the project of my ring setting start in April, and possibly be on my hand by end of April....Must go speak to jeweler...But then I would have to give him my ring....NO!!




Honestly, I love hearing about compromises in rings. I think they are very personal, and in my opinion, so many women wait for a while for theirs, and during that time, advertising and personal preferences solidifies in your mind "ugly" and "nice", so women being fussy by nature, compiled with that, makes me believe any man who asks for his lady's input is not only smart beyond his gender, but ahead of the game that she helps him relieve the pressure of "will she like it"...She should, she PICKED IT OUT!! LOL!




If I spent money like that on my guy for a watch say (one HELL of a watch) or a car, I would make sure he likes it. That just makes sense. Things that personal should compliment the person's taste, and if they know you well enough to know without asking GOD BLESS!!! but we women sometimes need our own time to figure out ourselves!!

 

[dbgaap]

Amen!