Pre engagment jitters???

[jeffsentra]

I''''ve been dating a wonderful girl for the last year and two months and we have really grown close to each other. I really want to marry her and we have talked about it. She has also told me that she wants to get married. We have been thinking about this since june. We were to the point a couple weeks ago that we were going to have her finger sized for a ring. however, she has become quite tired out and exhausted lately with her work and other commitments and when she gets tired she can get grumpy and unhappy with things. We got talking on the weekend about getting married...
And I think perhaps she is getting some pre engagement jitters... Is there such a thing as this?
Has anyone else had the same type of feelings?
I want to know what you all think about this.
Is it normal for people who are engaged to be questioining whether it is the right thing? Is it ok to get married before you start / finish professional school?
Did you ever question whether or not this person is the right person for you?
I''''m looking for other peoples experiences and their feelings during this preengagement period
thanks so much in advance
Jeff

 

[JCJD]

My comments behind "***".

I've been dating a wonderful girl for the last year and two months and we have really grown close to each other. I really want to marry her and we have talked about it. She has also told me that she wants to get married. We have been thinking about this since june. We were to the point a couple weeks ago that we were going to have her finger sized for a ring. however, she has become quite tired out and exhausted lately with her work and other commitments and when she gets tired she can get grumpy and unhappy with things. We got talking on the weekend about getting married...
And I think perhaps she is getting some pre engagement jitters... Is there such a thing as this?

*** Sure, I don't see why not. People often get nervous before big life changes.


Has anyone else had the same type of feelings?

*** See above.


I want to know what you all think about this.

Is it normal for people who are engaged to be questioining whether it is the right thing?

*** I think it's normal to worry about your future and whether you're making the right decision. Didn't you question your choice of colleges? first job? first car? etc.


Is it ok to get married before you start / finish professional school?

*** I got married this summer, and I'm in my 3rd year of my PhD. Get married when it's right for you, not right for "the world". That said, understand that professional school is a HUGE growth period for most people. More so than college, IMO. You will have to keep your communication lines wide open during this time to grow TOGETHER as a couple. Just get in the habit of talking about your day with each other and you'll do just fine.


Did you ever question whether or not this person is the right person for you?

*** Personally, no. A college friend did question whether her fiance was "the one" when she became attracted to a coworker. She struggled with this for weeks. However, when she thought about why she was attracted to him, she realized she was attracted to the qualities he shared with her now-husband. They are very very happy together now (married over a year).


I'm looking for other peoples experiences and their feelings during this preengagement period
thanks so much in advance
Jeff

*** OK, you're asking whether or not you two are making the right decision, since she's got the jitters. I don't think the jitters are a problem as long as you two keep the issues out in the open and you discuss them and work through them as a team. Sure she's grumpy and second-guessing herself now when she's stressed out from work. Can you deal with this? Imagine her stress when you've got a few kids under age 8, she's working overtime, the house is a mess, and you forgot to take the trash out on your way to work. Stress and grumpiness are a part of life and you will, as a married couple, have to face them together, united as one. And as you get to know what stresses her out, you'll be able to take those things off of her plate so she doesn't get grumpy as often (I know, my husband has learned this!). My advice in a nutshell: Talk to her when she's relaxed a bit from her stresses, let her know you want to work with her on this, not work ON her

, and do it! It won't be fixed overnight, but your efforts will pay themselves off a thousand-fold.

 

[Erin]

Perhaps one of you or both need a little more time to validate your decision. Sure it seems inevitable, but maybe some time is needed to live in that skin for a bit.
It''s quite possibly the biggest decision anyone could make - there''s nothing wrong with waiting until you''re absolutely positively certain. Our relationship shifted a little between the two and three year markers - for the better, but it could have been for the worse. Living through those experiences made me certain.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I think it''s really normal. I''m having a MAJOR FREAKOUT period now. My ring is supposed to arrive within a few weeks, and I''m terrified. My boyfriend and I are talking about delaying the engagement to April. I think it may be the stress of starting school or something. I think the key is being able to talk about it openly, I believe some people have absolutely no doubts, and others feel a bit more nervous. It''s a big decision, one which changes your life, so it can be uncomfortable and unbalancing at the same time.

 

[elephant]

Do you think that perhaps she feels like things are moving too slowly?? That's sort of how I got -- moody, etc. when I felt kind of like: Ok, we've talked about it. we've looked at rings, what's the holdup here? (Yes, I am aware that I am the most impatient person ever, but still....) I also felt a lot of stress just not knowing if he was actually going to do it? Just a thought? Hope that helps! I guess I would have to know more about this convo you had this weekend, but I started to wonder too when I felt like my then bf, now fiance, was dragging his feet?

 

[mtleaves]

Date: 8/23/2005 10:26:08 PM
Author: elephant
Do you think that perhaps she feels like things are moving too slowly?? That''s sort of how I got -- moody, etc. when I felt kind of like: Ok, we''ve talked about it. we''ve looked at rings, what''s the holdup here? (Yes, I am aware that I am the most impatient person ever, but still....) I also felt a lot of stress just not knowing if he was actually going to do it? Just a thought? Hope that helps! I guess I would have to know more about this convo you had this weekend, but I started to wonder too when I felt like my then bf, now fiance, was dragging his feet?

This is exactly how if feel. I''m at that point where we''ve both talked about it and we''re both ready. "What''s the hold up?" So we do fight about stupid little stuff now because I get so tired of waiting (which is probably what is prolonging things).

I do have doubts though. I was married for a short time before and I am scared to death that this relationship will end the same way. I worry about everything. I worry after we''re married for awhile he''ll stop caring or doing little things for me. I worry that he''ll be one of those husbands where I''m stuck at home with the kids and he gets to do whatever he wants. I worry about so many things.....things that I have no way to predict and no control over. But then I talk to him about these fears and he always reassures me. I feel so much better after we talk.

So my suggestion would be to definately talk to her about it. Ask her to be specific about her feelings, fears and expectations.

 

[cutes814]

Date: 8/23/2005 1:20:19 PM
Author: Erin
Perhaps one of you or both need a little more time to validate your decision. Sure it seems inevitable, but maybe some time is needed to live in that skin for a bit.
It''s quite possibly the biggest decision anyone could make - there''s nothing wrong with waiting until you''re absolutely positively certain. Our relationship shifted a little between the two and three year markers - for the better, but it could have been for the worse. Living through those experiences made me certain.

I absolutely agree with Erin. I am currently in the ring-is-ready-anticipating-proposal stage. Maybe you do need some more time. To me 14 months is not enough time to know someone, but that''s just to me. To a lot of other people, 14 months might seem like plenty of time.

This is the biggest decision that you two will have to ever make. There''s no reason not to be 10000% sure of it before you take the leap. If there is any "jitters" going on, maybe that''s a sign for you and her to slow it down. If you feel that she might be nervous about this, then ASK HER. Communication is the most important factor in any relationship. If you feel you are ready for marriage, then you should be able to discuss ANYTHING with her. After all, you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together.

 

[MissAva]

There is an article in the current Brides magazine about this. It has some really great insights in when to keep going and when it is time to take a step back. You might want to pick it up.