Premarital Counselling

[Sha]

Hi,

Has anybody been for premarital counselling yet? Do you plan to go?

I just called our minister to look at setting up our sessions. It sounds kind of deep, though... it sounds like he really delves into any and all areas...expectations, plans for children, finances, sex...he says he leaves no stones unturned. I know in my head that this is a VERY GOOD THING, especially before marriage, but I''m wondering if I want to delve into all of these serious issues so close to our wedding. We are getting married in a month''s time...on October 26th. I feel we should''ve probably done this sooner. Right now my mind isn''t there - I''m so busy with wedding planning and work and studies.. I feel like this would take up a lot of "emotional energy" that I don''t feel like I have right now.

FI and I have a great relationship and communicate well so I''m not particularly worried that it''ll bring up anythiing so serious, that we can''t discuss openly and reasonably. It will probably generate some discussion and stimulate some questions as well.

Anyway, what were your experiences like? Was it uncomfortable or insightful or both?

Has anybody ever done post-marital counselling? You know... Counselling to discuss on the critical areas... children, money, sex etc. that come up in a marriage, but after the wedding? I feel that we have so much on our plate right now that we could better focus on this after the wedding. Of course, then it''ll be too late if anything serious comes up... but I don''t honestly don''t think that''ll be the case.

Your thoughts?

 

[Mandarine]

I absolutely recommend it.

FI and I have always been very open. We went to our first class (required by the Catholic church) and although most of the things we had already discussed, it was a good opportunity to put some things on the table and just talk in a calm way. I think this just gives you an opportunity to discuss things before they become an issue (which is usually when things are heated and we don''t really think in a calm manner).

I say you should welcome the opportunity. It can only be a positive one...if anything you''ll find out that there are some things that you guys need to discuss and come to a mutual agreement.

Just my .02

M~

 

[Mandarine]

I just realized that your wedding is really, really close...if you think there is something you do need to discuss, I would...if you feel comfortable with waiting until after the wedding then that''s fine. In any case, I think having the opportunity to discuss these issues (pre or post) is definitely important.

M~

 

[firstbase32]

I find it most surprising that the minister hadn''t discussed with you MUCH sooner. In the future when I''m able to do weddings I know from experience that the counseling should be done as SOON as possible just because it helps to plant the seeds and then for the communication to continue as the wedding approaches and then after as well. It also helps to bring to the surface any concerns...i know my wife and i''s biggest red flag was how we would do the holidays...her family is HUGe on holidays where mine is not so much..but she wanted to do it all at her house and sort of leave my family out, but we were able to work through that in the months leading up to the wedding.

Even if you meet for an hour of half an hour a couple of times it''ll help and benefit you in the long run.

 

[Sha]

Hi,
Thanks Mandarine. Did you go to counselling just after your engagement? It would have been nice if we had a longer engagement, so we really could focus on the sessions without having a wedding just around the corner. We are having a very short engagement - just two months really (destination wedding ), so I just like there''s so much to do in addition to scheduling counselling. We''re also looking for house and I''m also doing a Masters Program by distance at the same time, with some major assignments due just before the wedding! I just feel like I''ll be in a more relaxed frame of mind after that week.

Anyways, were...uhm... ''sexual relations'' discussed as part of the counselling session? If so, how did you feel talking about that with your priest?

 

[Mandarine]

We started our process about a month ago and we''re getting married in February..

LOL, we didn''t really talk about "sex" per say. The priest didn''t bring it up and neither did we...lol. In the actual class they discussed "Natural family planning" method (ie: the only type of birth control approved by the church). For me it was important to talk about the familieis (in-laws) and extended family...what are you going to do on Holidays, etc, etc. Also the financial talk was important and interesting. Although FI and I had already discussed most of the things they brought up, it was good to get into more detail. Religion and expectations (specially when kids come) was also a good thing to discuss. We''re both catholic, but with slightly different views on the church...so that was important.

M~

 

[firstbase32]

Our minister that did our wedding is a VERY VERY good friend of ours so talking about sex was kind of weird, but he handled it VERY VERY professionally. He gave us this "quiz" thing that pretty much asked us questions and stuff at our first meeting and then at the 2nd meeting he went over the results and the areas we would need to work on. It helped a ton and we also went through a counseling program through our university jsut because it was a VERY good program. At the counseling meeting for our university we had a bunch of couples together and everyone was given a peice of paper to ask questions on and then they collected them and the lady answered them. That way no one was raising thier hand and feeling really embrassed....the questoins ranged from "how many times a week is average" to "what is the best method of bc." My wife and I really appreciated everything we learned in both of the processes.

Do you not have an hour a week to give to the minister to do that? I know when I am ordained I will not marry anyone that doesn''t go through with counseling whether it is through me or another individual as long as I have met with the couple before. I know things are busy, but I''d HIGHLY encourage you to atleast be able to workout an hour a week for hte minister to counsel you. I know most of the time it''s not really counseling just talking through things so that way you''re all on the same page. Most of the time it was about 30 or so minutes of counseling and then the rest was talking through particulars about hte ceremony...it was great ot have that time so that way he knew what we wanted when writing the stuff he would say during the ceremony.

 

[Sha]

Hi,
Firstbase, I guess we were posting at the same time - I just saw your posts. The Minister at our home church recently moved to another island. He was the one who reminded us about setting up the counselling, although he wasn't able to do it himself. So we contacted the Minister at another church I sometimes visit.

That Minister knows us quite well, too... I think it might be a bit uncomfortable discussing sexual things with him, but I know he's a professional as well. It sounds like both you and Mandarine had great, insightful experiences, so that's good to hear. I agree that it's absolutely important and should be done as soon as possible after engagement so that any potentially difficult areas can be ironed out.

I'm leaning towards setting up them up for after the wedding right now... or maybe starting a few before the wedding and continuing on afterwards.

Thank you both for your input!

 

[ponderer]

Do a search on here for premarital counseling or just counseling, there has been numerous threads on this topic. The general consensus from these threads is that most people found premarital counseling to be very beneficial and enjoyable.

Alot of people found that this was the one part of their engagement/wedding that really focused on their realtionship while all the other planning and parties and regular life distractions were detractors during this very stressful time. I know you dont have a lot of time, but my husband and I did ours in about a months time (2 hours sessions for 4 friday evenings). You wont regret doing it.

Dont worry about the "sex talk". I dont believe it was heavily talked about by many couples during their counseling. My DH and I were given a workbook and were told to talk about it between ourselves. If we wanted/needed to address the subject during a session we could have, but that was left up to us.

 

[shanadee1977]

My fiance and I did premarital counseling and it was really helpful! We have a great relationship already and I too was concerned that it might be a waste of time to fix something that "wasn''t broke". What our counseling sessions did was put our relationship in perspective...we really learned how our families shape how we relate to each other as well as to life in general. In addition, our counselor taught us a really good technique to fighting (yes, fighting)...I''ve noticed that when we have arguments now they are more to the point and actually deal with the issue at hand, not bring in too many other issues which can escalate stress. I would recommend using a counselor that knows the Prepare-Enrich technique. This tool basically measures compatibility along tons of issues (family of origin, sex, conflict style, children, in laws, etc.) The sex stuff for our counseling sessions basically was a non-issue (we are HIGHLY compatible there!) It was interesting to see how we differed, and matched, especially since we took the tests separately.

 

[Sha]

Hi ponderer and shanadee,
It''s good to hear your thoughts. I agree now that it''s a beneficial and enjoyable experience. We actually had one session already, and plan to have two more soon. I was bit nervous before the first one but it really was quite interesting, and as you said, helped to put our relationship in perspective. He didn''t ask any embarassing questions or anything like that. I would highly recommend it!