pressure!

[cally_b]

How can I let my SO not feel "pressured" into a proposal??

I don't bring it up or badger him about it (although I'll admit I haven't always been so cool about it lol, but that was a year ago and I'm a changed woman! ), I think even though I've been really good for the last 6 months or so I may have already done the damage and SO is quite sensitive (underneath it all!) and this is something he probably won't forget about. I've told him I don't expect or need it to be at the top of mount everest or hot air ballooning across the countryside or a big public fanfare occasion, I've tried to take the pressure off by saying it just needs to be thoughful and 'us'. Maybe this made it worse?? I also think he doesn't feel he's a "creative or romantic" kind of guy so thinking of something is causing him great anguish, I don't want him to have awful memories about this! I've told him to troll a few forums to get some starting off ideas which he can change to fit with us (hopefully not PS though lol)!!

Really not sure what I can say or do at this point other than to just shut up completely hah! but lately he seems to be bringing it up not me! SO is the kind of person who takes a LONG time to do anything (procrastination central!) and I know after we're married he will say why the heck didn't we do this earlier!?! (he says this about EVERYTHING!)... UGH, I'm a little embarassed to say but i want a cute story to tell not "we were watching telly and then he proposed"

Advice from any others who are/were in the same boat??

 

[Schafenm]

Maybe this is sort of similar. SO is waiting until next year to propose because he used the top of his budget for the ring. He wants to make sure his financials were in the exact same place before he bought the ring. That part I am not complaining about. It means I got exactly what I ever could have wanted for my ering. So one day we were talking and I told him I didn't want to wait until next year for the proposal because I want my ring sooner than that. I said something simple and not over the top would be just fine because ultimately it is the fact that it is him that is asking me. He got really upset because in his head he already has a plan. He told me he is 75% done with the planning and will work the rest out when the time gets closer. I still don't believe it will be this year but the thought that he is trying to do something special melts my heart. I am usually the one who says, "Babe lets get dressed up and go have a nice pre dinner drink, amazing dinner and a stroll around downtown." He is a home body and I need to respect that he is putting a lot of effort into this proposal, especially since he knows I am picky and I was completely involved in picking out my ring. Basically he sat there and approved budget and I picked out everything else. Whenever I get anxious about everything it really helps me to remember that it all really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because in the end I am just happy to be with him. So give him the chance to plan it, but maybe let him know you are ready sooner than later. I have learned that talking it out isn't a bad thing, how is the other person suppose to know what you are thinking if you don't tell them. I kind of rambled, I hope some of this helps. Good luck!!

 

[mandasand]

Doesn't he already have the ring? Just relax. He already knows you're going to pressure him. So if you stop - and I mean really stop, then you can surprise him with your relaxed, confident nature.

 

[sonnyjane]

Really not sure what I can say or do at this point other than to just shut up completely!

To be honest, that would be my advice to you. Seems like every time you mention what you expect out of the proposal or recommend that he go search the internet for ideas, you are putting more and more pressure on him to have a great proposal even if that's not what you intend.

And for the record, my husband proposed to me while we were on the couch watching TV and we have been happily married for four years so far

 

[cally_b]

Maybe this is sort of similar. SO is waiting until next year to propose because he used the top of his budget for the ring. He wants to make sure his financials were in the exact same place before he bought the ring. That part I am not complaining about. It means I got exactly what I ever could have wanted for my ering. So one day we were talking and I told him I didn't want to wait until next year for the proposal because I want my ring sooner than that. I said something simple and not over the top would be just fine because ultimately it is the fact that it is him that is asking me. He got really upset because in his head he already has a plan. He told me he is 75% done with the planning and will work the rest out when the time gets closer. I still don't believe it will be this year but the thought that he is trying to do something special melts my heart. I am usually the one who says, "Babe lets get dressed up and go have a nice pre dinner drink, amazing dinner and a stroll around downtown." He is a home body and I need to respect that he is putting a lot of effort into this proposal, especially since he knows I am picky and I was completely involved in picking out my ring. Basically he sat there and approved budget and I picked out everything else. Whenever I get anxious about everything it really helps me to remember that it all really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because in the end I am just happy to be with him. So give him the chance to plan it, but maybe let him know you are ready sooner than later. I have learned that talking it out isn't a bad thing, how is the other person suppose to know what you are thinking if you don't tell them. I kind of rambled, I hope some of this helps. Good luck!!

WOW you don't know how similar our stories are! I'm the planner aswell, and SO is very much a homebody that's also why I think he's feeling a little nervous about the proposal- he knows that if he organises a nice dinner or takes me away for a surprise weekend I will be thinking that he will propose and the surprise will be ruined lol...so recently he has started booking dinners and suggesting things to do without my input (he usually likes me to pick the restaurant or the accommodations because I'm probably more picky than him- he is very esay going I think that's why we work so well!), this might be his way to get me off the scent- it's so cute!

I picked my ring as well and it was also on the top end of our budget, so I knew it would be a while as he was paying off the ring over a few months. Having said that I'm soooo glad I got the opportunity to have input into the selection as I knew what I wanted and after all this is something you wear forever and has so much meaning. I probably also have a bit better knowledge about jewellery and he was happy to have me there for support. I know others who got their ring and while they LOVE what it symbolises and that their partner picked it out they're not exactly happy with their rings and they kind of wished they'd been a bit more vocal about exactly what they wanted.

Thanks for the advice I will let him plan and even if I get a hint that it might be coming I will let him have his moment- as you said the most important thing is being together and planning our lives together

 

[cally_b]

Really not sure what I can say or do at this point other than to just shut up completely!

To be honest, that would be my advice to you. Seems like every time you mention what you expect out of the proposal or recommend that he go search the internet for ideas, you are putting more and more pressure on him to have a great proposal even if that's not what you intend.

And for the record, my husband proposed to me while we were on the couch watching TV and we have been happily married for four years so far

Thanks sonnyjane for the advice. The past 6 months I haven't been the one bringing it up he has, that's kind of the problem I don't want to talk about it or tell him how to do it! so I think i will just tell him next time that I don't mind how he does it and I don't want to know anything about it! (though I don't want to sound harsh- like i don't care or won't appreciate whatever he has planned). He's just a worrier and I don't want him to worry, at the same time I don't want to plan the proposal for him, I want it to be his moment to shine.

Congrats on being happily married for 4 years, i'm sure your proposal was a beautiful memory for you both, and however mine happens will be the same

 

[pandabee]

Maybe this is sort of similar. SO is waiting until next year to propose because he used the top of his budget for the ring. He wants to make sure his financials were in the exact same place before he bought the ring. That part I am not complaining about. It means I got exactly what I ever could have wanted for my ering. So one day we were talking and I told him I didn't want to wait until next year for the proposal because I want my ring sooner than that. I said something simple and not over the top would be just fine because ultimately it is the fact that it is him that is asking me. He got really upset because in his head he already has a plan. He told me he is 75% done with the planning and will work the rest out when the time gets closer. I still don't believe it will be this year but the thought that he is trying to do something special melts my heart. I am usually the one who says, "Babe lets get dressed up and go have a nice pre dinner drink, amazing dinner and a stroll around downtown." He is a home body and I need to respect that he is putting a lot of effort into this proposal, especially since he knows I am picky and I was completely involved in picking out my ring. Basically he sat there and approved budget and I picked out everything else. Whenever I get anxious about everything it really helps me to remember that it all really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because in the end I am just happy to be with him. So give him the chance to plan it, but maybe let him know you are ready sooner than later. I have learned that talking it out isn't a bad thing, how is the other person suppose to know what you are thinking if you don't tell them. I kind of rambled, I hope some of this helps. Good luck!!

great advice, and I can see myself in this exact same position in a couple years when we are ready to get the ring and just waiting. It sounds like you are taking it well and I wish you luck as well!

Doesn't he already have the ring? Just relax. He already knows you're going to pressure him. So if you stop - and I mean really stop, then you can surprise him with your relaxed, confident nature.

this would be my advice to cally_b as well. enjoy your last few weeks/months as a LIW!! I think it comes up frequently but we all need to remind each other...when you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, what difference does a couple days, weeks, or months make? relax and enjoy the ride, good luck!!

 

[Schafenm]

Thanks Ladies for the compliments!!! I am taking it as well as possible. This forum really helps to know there are other people out there who are going through the same thing and I am not a crazy lady. I thought I would be the last of all my friends to get married, and at 27(the age I will be when he proposes) I will be one of the first. I am in a group of friends who made school a priority and most of my friends are getting there 2nd degrees! So don't think we are old spinsters . I don't always want to bring it up. I don't want to be that girl who weddings is all I talk about, especially since I don't even have my ring yet!!!

Caly B, so funny me and my BF from high school were having dinner last night and she suggested that my SO start taking me out so I don't necessarily know the exact day he will ask. Although, secretly every time I will be freaking out inside. I totally agree with the ring, when we were done and I asked him if that would have been anything close to what he picked and he said, "It would have been close but not as detailed." So this anxiety towards waiting for the ring is small price to pay to exact exactly what we/I want! (I figured that out while typing this post, who knew I was so insightful.. )

This is a great forum, I don't get to post much because of school but the ladies here are soo nice and supportive of one another!

 

[madelise]

If you feel like going crazy, come here and let it out We all feel nuts occasionally. Don't show that side to *him! Seriously, you have no idea how many times I went bonkers 2 years ago. My SO made a rule. Everytime I ask when we're getting engaged, I add on another day. I literally asked more than once a day. HAH! And guess what? As soon as I started to relax, after a few months, HE brought it up!

And now, even though we have our diamond and our setting is being made.. he still says he feels pressured when I ask him too much too often. For instance, the last few weeks, I had been asking him when he's going to talk to his parents. I asked him every evening if it had happened yet. He had a little fit after a while! LOL!

Just breathe and he'll be super impressed with your cool!

 

[cally_b]

If you feel like going crazy, come here and let it out We all feel nuts occasionally. Don't show that side to *him! Seriously, you have no idea how many times I went bonkers 2 years ago. My SO made a rule. Everytime I ask when we're getting engaged, I add on another day. I literally asked more than once a day. HAH! And guess what? As soon as I started to relax, after a few months, HE brought it up!

And now, even though we have our diamond and our setting is being made.. he still says he feels pressured when I ask him too much too often. For instance, the last few weeks, I had been asking him when he's going to talk to his parents. I asked him every evening if it had happened yet. He had a little fit after a while! LOL!

Just breathe and he'll be super impressed with your cool!

Sounds like a little rule that a lot of men know about (across many countries too ). It's so great to know that there are others out there who feel the same way- and I def don't want SO to see the crazy lol, much better to be on here that in his ear! I think it's also a little harder for the boys who already have the ring (or have had their gf pick the ring) as it does take a little element of surprise out of it and maybe they feel they have to try to be a little sneakier to get us off guard!

 

[audball]

If you feel like going crazy, come here and let it out We all feel nuts occasionally. Don't show that side to *him! Seriously, you have no idea how many times I went bonkers 2 years ago. My SO made a rule. Everytime I ask when we're getting engaged, I add on another day. I literally asked more than once a day. HAH! And guess what? As soon as I started to relax, after a few months, HE brought it up!

And now, even though we have our diamond and our setting is being made.. he still says he feels pressured when I ask him too much too often. For instance, the last few weeks, I had been asking him when he's going to talk to his parents. I asked him every evening if it had happened yet. He had a little fit after a while! LOL!

Just breathe and he'll be super impressed with your cool!

Great advice madelise!

 

[audball]

How are things going callyb?