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Promise Ring Debate

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misscuppycake

misscuppycake

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
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164
So this past Christmas, I got a promise ring from my boyfriend. For me personally, it''s not one of those "engagement rings before engagement", just a promise of commitment and happiness in the relationship. In any case, for as long as I can remember (probably since Middle School), I''ve only ever worn rings on my ring finger (left hand). I guess I got some notion in my head that all rings were supposed to be worn there and when I got older, I didn''t care because most of my cosmetic jewelry were just cheap little metal things.

But I wear my promise ring now on the "engagement finger" and it''s caused some kerfuffel with people congratulating me or asking if I was engaged. I don''t really want to get re-sized again and I''m not actually getting engaged for a while now so I''m not worried about a ring being there in its place.

But I was just wondering, since you ladies seem very well-versed in ring etiquette, is this considered inappropriate in any way? Is this somehow an insult to people who ARE getting married?
 
haha, no! it''s not insulting! whatever bride-to-be would be insulted by someone DARING to wear a pretty ring on their left hand RING finger needs to be punched in the face.

as for people being confused, it probably depends on what the ring looks like. is it a diamond solitaire? if that''s the case, then you probably need to get used to explaining to people and maybe getting a few weird looks. but don''t do or not do anything just for a few weird looks. if people congratulate you just laugh and say thanks, but you aren''t engaged, but that it is a promise ring from your BF and isn''t it just so pretty? if someone is going to judge you for that, let them. it just makes them lamer than lame.
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I don''t know too much about ring etiquette, but I wouldn''t worry about offending people who are engaged by wearing your promise ring on your left ring finger. If you''re happy wearing it there, that''s all that matters. Hopefully someone else could be more helpful.
 
Date: 4/1/2008 6:28:00 PM
Author: mimzy
haha, no! it''s not insulting! whatever bride-to-be would be insulted by someone DARING to wear a pretty ring on their left hand RING finger needs to be punched in the face.

as for people being confused, it probably depends on what the ring looks like. is it a diamond solitaire? if that''s the case, then you probably need to get used to explaining to people and maybe getting a few weird looks. but don''t do or not do anything just for a few weird looks. if people congratulate you just laugh and say thanks, but you aren''t engaged, but that it is a promise ring from your BF and isn''t it just so pretty? if someone is going to judge you for that, let them. it just makes them lamer than lame.
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LMAO!!
 
i have a promise ring on my left ring finger and whenever someone asks if it is an engagement ring i say "wouldnt that be great but no its not"

i attached a picture of mine, we got it from helzburgs and its a pink heart shaped sapphire with 3 tiny diamonds on each side of the band

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Date: 4/1/2008 6:29:47 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Date: 4/1/2008 6:28:00 PM

Author: mimzy

haha, no! it''s not insulting! whatever bride-to-be would be insulted by someone DARING to wear a pretty ring on their left hand RING finger needs to be punched in the face.


as for people being confused, it probably depends on what the ring looks like. is it a diamond solitaire? if that''s the case, then you probably need to get used to explaining to people and maybe getting a few weird looks. but don''t do or not do anything just for a few weird looks. if people congratulate you just laugh and say thanks, but you aren''t engaged, but that it is a promise ring from your BF and isn''t it just so pretty? if someone is going to judge you for that, let them. it just makes them lamer than lame.
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LMAO!!
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that might not be proper etiquette though, if you are worried about such things
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I was just thinking today how I was a little irked by the teenage girls in my workplace wearing rings only on their left ring finger, and thinking how I`d never admit that openly to someone because ìt would be rude.

I realized my own personal feelings, despite being an otherwise non-traditional girl (hey, I''m getting legally married before I''m officially engaged, after all!) on the left ring finger is that it''s used as one of the few symbols we have in our society for identifying marital status. I don''t see it as ''just another finger'', and I feel that people wearing jewelery on that finger only when it does not carry any significance muddies our collective ability to determine that person''s status. I guess I do feel that the left ring finger is ''special''.

You can say "what business is it of other people what my maritial status is?" but strangely I have found people to be very touchy about acknowledgement of their marital status; if one asks if they are married they''re offended you didn''t know and if you ask if they are engaged/married (aka about to comment on their sparklie!) and it''s just a sparklie you''ve just swallowed your foot.

Oy.

I think that wearing a promise ring/engagement ring/wedding ring on the left finger is juuust fine, but that''s my take. It''s a symbol of your relationship that you wear for the world to see and identify.

People asked about my promise ring often and accepted my explanation that it was a placeholder ring until he officially proposed. This was generally accepted with congrats and inspection of the ring; I think people just want an excuse to gawk at the pretty shiny object ... I know that''s my motivation!
 
My fiance and I have been together since high school (I''m 25 now) and I''ve pretty much always had a promise ring of some sort on my left ring finger. You shouldn''t feel strange wearing your ring on your left hand, although it''s not a e-ring/wedding ring, it''s a symbol of your commitment for each other, and whether that commitment is one of marriage or just one of contentment and love for each other, I don''t think it''s anyone else''s call except for yours, just where and how you decide to wear your symbol of love.
 
i dont think its an insult at all, i always wore my promise ring on my engagement finger, just becasue i couldnt ever wear any thing on my right hand its just not comfortable
 
I think the promise ring etiquette rule is for it to go on the right hand ring finger.
 
Aww misscuppycake (that name is too cute and it''s making me a bit hungry), huh? Where was I? Oh yeah, don''t worry about it. Some people may find something wrong with it but do what feels right for you. My FF gave me a pink sapphire ring for our one year anniversary and I wore it on my left ring finger up until 2 weeks ago when we finally got it resized for my right hand (4 years later!) I didn''t mind it on my left hand because it actually stopped unwanted attention from (most) men. I only had a couple "Congrats on your engagement" and it wasn''t a big deal.
 
Hmm, if this is against etiquette I''ve never heard that! I wore a promise ring for about a year before I got my e-ring on my left hand ring finger. Sometimes people thought I was engaged, but since we weren''t quite ready for that step yet my response was always "No no no no..not yet no no." Haha.
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Hi Misscuppycake!
I had always worn a "promise ring" of sorts. Until my BF of 4 years moved to NY, we were more than 200 miles apart, and during the first 2 1/2 years ( or more) I had worn several CZ rings on that finger, as per his wishes. For me, it was very sweet that he had wanted to send a message that I was "taken" in some way because he wasn''t always there to be with me. At first I was self-conscious about it, and even felt as though it were "bad luck". But, after a while I had gotten used to it, and I even wore it with other rings on that hand, so it sort of looked like more of a fashion ring, anyhow. Some would mistake it for an engagement ring and give thier congrats, but I would just explain and they would understand. When one would "wear out", he would get me another one. Sometimes it was actually a real semi-precious stone, lol (he isn''t cheap at all, lol, he has gotten me other nice things- we were yonger then). The one real diamond band he had given me one year didn''t fit on that finger, so I wear it as a RHR.

I no longer wear one on that finger only because I think I am really hoping to get engaged this year, LOL!! But what it really comes down to is how comfortable you and your BF are with it. If it is a symbol of your commitment to eachother, as were mine- that is wonderful, and no one should make you feel as though you shouldn''t. I say wear it in good health on whatever finger you like and may it be replaced sooner than later with the real thing!
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Oh and by the way, I have to agree with MoonWater, your name is adorable!
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I say wear it on which ever finger you like!

My partner gave me a beautiful yellow gold ring with three small diamonds in it 11 years ago, for our first christmas together. It''s not fancy or expensive, but I have worn that ring every single day since he gave it to me, only ever coming off for cleaning and surgery, I swear it, I am naked without it! I wear it on my ering finger as it''s the only finger that it fits on and I only wore rings on that finger so there was never a question of which finger. We have never looked at it as a promise ring, but a very special present and I am sure it offends no-one. I occasionaly get asked if it''s my ering, but now I am a bit older (late 20s), people just assume it''s my wedding band, and that I don''t have an ering. But it really doesn''t matter what other people think it is, as long as it''s special to you.

It''s funny though, I am totally hanging out for my ering (any day now!!), but I feel a twinge of sadness when I think about getting it as I will have to take this one off. I am not a fan of RHRs but I plan to put this ring away and hopefully one day I will have a daughter to pass it onto.
 
Wear your ring however you are most comfortable. I have a ring my SO gave me that I wear on my left ring finger very often. It just happens it fits that finger the best. I''ve only had one person think it was an engagement ring and I just chuckled at them when they commented.


Date: 4/2/2008 4:34:38 AM
Author: honey22

I feel a twinge of sadness when I think about getting it as I will have to take this one off. I am not a fan of RHRs but I plan to put this ring away and hopefully one day I will have a daughter to pass it onto.
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Honey22 - That''s one of the cutest ideas I''ve heard of in a long time. How nice would it be if you could keep the ring in your family through many generations
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I've had the same thing happen to me! I've been wearing a ring on my left hand ring finger for the past year, and have had tons of people ask me if it's an engagement ring. I say, "No, it's a birthday present from my boyfriend" or "no, it was my Christmas present from my boyfriend." After that, some people say, "Yes, but it's on your left hand--is it also an engagement ring?" To which I always say, "Don't worry. If I was engaged, you would know."
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I have a funny (either funny-haha or funny-weird, both can be appropriate) story about something this guy once said to me. The ring J got me for Christmas is a lovely aqua and diamond ring which I wear on my left hand, and this guy who I'd just met that evening asked me if it was an engagement ring. I said what I always say, 'No, it is from my boyfriend but it's just a Christmas present.' Well, he LOST IT. Literally. He got so pissed off on my boyfriend's behalf (my boyfriend, whom he has never met) because I had the nerve to wear this ring on my left hand. He said, "Does your boyfriend know you wear it on that hand?" "Yes, he does." "Isn't he worried that people will think you're engaged?" "No, because I don't tell people we're engaged." "Well it would piss ME off! I would be furious if I had a girlfriend who wore a ring on her left hand if we weren't engaged! It's false advertising! You can't wear it there!" I said, "My boyfriend doesn't care which finger it's on, and my other ring finger currently has my great-grandmother's diamond engagement ring on there, so if I swapped them, then it'd look even MORE like I was engaged." And he said (rather presumptuously, since he doesn't know J at all), "I'll bet he is pissed off about it. What man wouldn't be? You're acting like you're engaged when you're not!" I said, "No, he's NOT pissed about it because he wants to be engaged, and because I'm not lying to people, saying we're engaged when we're not. Chill out!"

Eventually he dropped it, but seriously, what on earth?! Since he flipped out so much I asked J afterwards if he felt at all weird that I wore the rings he gave me on my left hand, and he said he didn't care at all and quite liked it when people assumed we were engaged. I told him the story about this guy and he was totally baffled and thought it was kind of funny that he got so worked up about it. It was so surreal, honestly. But that's the one instance out of hundreds of times people have asked innocently and excitedly about my ring. He's the only psychopath that reacted negatively.
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I honestly have never thought about the left finger being only for e-rings. I have ALWAYS worn a ring on my left hand...since I was a little kid. Around here, lots of people do. I''m thinking that people would only assume (in my area...east coast) that a diamond solitaire type of ring is an e-ring as I''ve never heard anyone else get asked if any other kind of ring is an engagement ring.
When DH and I had been dating for 3 months, he bought me a gold claddagh ring which I wore on my left hand...no one ever assumed it was an e-ring (though his mom did think/know it was a promise ring) and when he gave me an e-ring 3 months later, I switched the claddagh ring to a right hand ring. I really don''t see the big deal!
 
I have mixed feelings about this. In high school I had a promise ring that I wore on my left hand, since it didnt fit my right and I did not have it long enough to get it sized. In college I wore a birthstone ring on that hand for the same reason, and all of a sudden people started asking if I was engaged so I stopped wearing it. I havent worn anything on that finger since, and won''t until I get my ering. I think that will make getting my ering seem even more special.

Another thing that bugs me about that is the fact that I think I will have a gemstone ering. There is a young girl at my work who wears a gemstone ring on her ring finger and I asked her if people assumed she was engaged (hoping she would say yes, since I want people to see my ring and know its my ering even though its not a diamond). She said no. I wasnt sure if this was because 1. She is pretty young 2. She wears like 5 rings total, so it doesnt stand out or 3. people are so used to random rings there that anything that isnt a diamond solitaire is overlooked. It bummed me out, but I am still happy with my choice.

So I say wear it on whatever finger you want, but consider the fact that it could take away the specialness (is that a word???) of wearing your ering on that finger. Just my .02.
 
No, I think it''s fine. I have a promise ring that i used to wear on my left hand, but I decided to switch it to the right... still fits fine. I have also had people say congrats when they thought i was engaged.. and it''s like, "HA no this is far from an engagement ring"lol The one I have is a Tiffany''s Peretti band with a small diamond in the middle of the band. It''s very simple, plain... but nice to wear with anything.

Anyway so keep wearing your ring however way you want... unless you are sick of hearing people congratulate you! lol
 
I wore a promise ring on my right hand for many, many years (it was an eternity band) actually I never wore it on my left hand, because I didn''t want anyone to think I was engaged. But as for etiquette, I think you should just put it on the finger you want. If someone is insulted...well they have too much time on their hands!
 
Date: 4/1/2008 6:18:53 PM
Author:misscuppycake

But I was just wondering, since you ladies seem very well-versed in ring etiquette, is this considered inappropriate in any way? Is this somehow an insult to people who ARE getting married?
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There IS such a thing as "ring etiquette" ?!!!!!!!! I did not know that. I thought that nowadays, we could wear whatever we liked regardless of status (kind of like the old rule to not wear white after Labor Day or before Memorial Day, which no one pays attention to anymore)

I currently wear a canary and white diamond eternity band on my left hand. See below for pic from the store's webiste (I'd take an actual handshot, but I'm in work & have no camera handy).

Prior to that, I wore an Asscher moissonite ring that I'd bought for my right hand, but I lost weight, so I put it on the larger of my two hands, which is my left. Some people thought it was an enagement ring, but fewer than you'd suspct asked.

My BF has seen me wear a faux stone blingy cocktail ring on my left hand, as well as clear diamond stack rings with my eternity band, and he doesn't have any problem with it. People have flat out asked me in front of him if they were engagement rings, and I say, "Nope. Just pretty rings I like," and he doesn't get huffy or act like he's uncomfortable. I asked him about my cocktail ring one time -- because a few people in work thought I'd gotten engaged -- and he said that it didn't even occur to him. He just noticed that I was wearing a new bauble. I'm a eBay freak and have scored all sorts of cool rings on there, so he is used to seeing me with something new on that hand.

I have been with my BF for 2 years and like my eternity band on my left hand. I broke most of my fingers on my right hand playing softball and trying to compete with my brothers growing up, and my right hand is not attractive. I like to draw as little attention to it as possible, given the gnarly knuckles. I wear a ring on my right thumb and that is it. And, I don't pretend to be married/engaged, but the ring does show people (or at least give them the impression) that I am "taken." This is very helpful when I am out with friends, in bars, etc. Men won't hit on me if they think I'm not available (I get very annoyed when drunk or full-of-themselves men approach me) so in a sense, the fact that I do wear a ring on my left hand shows that I am committed, even if not legally.

Bridget in Connecticut.

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LOL mimzy! That was a good one. And gwendolyn...what a crazy!!! I can''t believe that! I guess you know how he feels about marriage...

I had a promise ring from my ex that was a 3 stone diamond ring, .5 cts that I wore on my ring finger. It screamed engagement ring! People asked, I said no, just a promise ring. Simple as that. Strangers didn''t get too nosy about it. I say do whatever you and your BF are comfortable with. I know my ex liked for me to look ''taken'' because it did keep a lot of attention away.
 
Aha! "Taken" is exactly what I was trying to describe earlier. Why didn't I think of that term?
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I see the left ring finger as the means to state whether or not one is 'taken'; whether it be by committed relationship (promise ring), engagement (e-ring), or marriage (w-band).

Very handy in interactions with men in general. It's a much more subtle warn-off and avoids the need to make awkward mentions of my guy to get them to take the hint.

Not too long ago I was leaving work for lunch with one of my male coworkers who is a just a buddy (plus, I'm the wrong gender for him
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) and someone asked flat-out if we were dating! Rather than out him to a pair of nosy, rude relative strangers, I whipped up my left hand said "Uh, hello, I'm taken" (it's common knowledge I'm leaving Canada to get married) and they apologized and beat a hasty retreat. Some people, yeesh ...
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Gwen, your story of the indignant dude berating you on behalf of your boyfriend was hilarious; it's certainly inconceivable that other men may have different views on it.
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OK. I finally got some time here (@ work) to take a pic and post the eternity band that I wear. Now, to me, this does not look like an engagement ring at all, even though it's diamonds. I see lots of women using these as stack rings or spacers. On the other hand, at quick glance, it looks like a wedding band...which keeps annoying men from bothering me when I am out.

The canaries are actually a nice lemony yellow but it doesn't show in pic. For anyone who's wondering, ring is size 7-1/2, 14k white gold, total diamond weight is 1/2 ct, stones go all around (so ring is less than 1/2mm wide).


(excuse the red hands - office is warm today and I had to twist hand to get pic. My hands look like old lady paws and
I look like I need a fill
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)


Bridget in Connecticut..

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i know when SO gave me my ring we were both still working in a nightclub together (and i wont sugarcoat it, i was a looker about 3 years ago lol...i feel old now, i should go on 10 years younger) but anyways i think that may have been part of the reason he asked me to wear it on that hand because i was always getting hit on by disgusting old drunk men and after i got the ring all i had to do was hold up my left hand and turn to help the next customer haha, i still do this if we go out to the bar. it always works because even though it is a pink sapphire, it is usually old drunks that would hit on me and so their vision was blurred and i did it so fast they would only catch a glimpse of something sparkly, it was great. SO used to send this girl that comes in selling roses up to the front desk with a big bunch of roses whenever he saw me getting hit on, it was great :)
 
I had a promise ring that I wore on my left hand. It is a three stone princess cut .50tcw diamond ring. My fiancee gave it to me on our first anniversary. And he MADE me wear it on my left hand. Not that I minded, kind of kept others way and he like the fact of it marking me as "taken" it was cute. Now that I have my engagement ring that I got on our 2nd anniversary :) just a few weeks ago, it has moved to my right hand. I like to think of it as my little place holder until he could afford what he really wanted to get me.

I got asked frequently if I was engaged because it looks like an engagement ring, and I would just say it is my promise ring most people understood. There were some people out there that would ask why in the world I am wearing it on that hand as if it were some huge mistake but they were rare.
 
I have two gemstone rings that my bf gave to me, but I don''t consider either a promise ring, and always have worn them on my right hand. Weird as it may be, I kinda want to "save" my left ring finger for the real thing! Although, I have friends who wear rings from their boyfriends on their left ring fingers, and I don''t think that it''s weird or inappropriate! If you like it, I see nothing wrong with it!
 
I currently wear a nice ~1.5-2ct sapphire with 2 RB sidestones on my left ring finger. My SO gave it to me, but we never intended it to be a promise ring. It''s actually sort of an odd story:

I wanted to get a little CZ ring to wear while at the cafeteria at my work, because there was a strange old guy who just KEPT bugging me. So we went into a little store and I picked out a CZ ring and we were ready to get it, but my SO asked me to just take a look around and I''d been on a sapphire bender lately so I looked at them and found one I thought was pretty. I told him it was just looking for fun, but he bought it on the spot saying he''d rather I had something real to symbolize our relationship than just some temp CZ I''d wear to scare off old men. Hahaha.

I still thought I''d only wear it on my right hand, and switch it to the left in the cafeteria, but when we got it sized and home, he slid it on my left hand and there it''s stayed.
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If people ask, I just say we''re not engaged yet. And if they ask why it''s on my left hand I simply say: well, he put it there. For some reason... that''s usually enough. Weird, huh?
 
Ah, these are all good stories to hear! I''m glad I''m not the only one who chooses to wear it on my left hand finger.

Gwendolyn, I won''t lie - your story scared me! I don''t want someone to have a spaz attack like that on me.
 
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