proposal procedure when you''ve both picked out the ring?

[brooke.lynne]

Hello, all.

Somehow, miraculously, we've gone from eagerly anticipating engagement and my BF putting it off to ring shopping! Here's the ring that we both like (he picked it out, and I seconded), and we'll probably be ordering it next weekend if we don't find something we like better in the meantime.

Here's the rub: I asked my BF about what happens once we get the ring, and he said that I can wear it home from the store if I want. Which is great, because I do want to get it on my finger ASAP. But I also wanted a proposal. How does this work, exactly? He said he would ask, but he doesn't feel it appropriate to present a ring that I picked out with him. I see the best way to navigate this situation is to just tuck it away until he asks, somewhere where we both know where it is, until he asks. Then the ring won't be a central prop in the proposal, but I don't think it matters.

My other hope is that around the same the time it is ordered and shipped (3-4 weeks), and then taken to be appraised, he will have popped the question - so I can put it on as soon as it's done.

I know many of you ladies have picked the ring together and your FI/DH presented it during your proposal, or maybe you were with him for most of the picking it out and let him take over from there. What's the best way to work this situation?

Oh, one other thing: I don't think that letting him pick out the stone is a good idea. He has 0 bargaining skills and I am a queen negotiator, and I don't think he will educate himself sufficiently to be up to the task of diamond buying.

 

[ringster]

congrats!! so exciting for you and your future FI.

we did the same thing. i did all of the work and sorted out the ring that i wanted. once the ring was good and ready, i handed it over to my then BF and said i won't wear it until you propose (although i did sneak a few times and put it on while he was not around). this was in november. he then told me that he would propose by end of the year. so there was the excitement of not knowing when it would happen and also how he would do it.

of course i was excited because this would us starting our official plans to be married but i was even more excited because i knew that i loved the ring.

but there is not formula - you just decide what you both would feel good about and what will make it special for the both of you!

have fun!!

ETA: he proposed about a week later on thanksgiving

 

[surfgirl]

I was proposed to before we went ring shopping. After I said yes, he went out of town for a couple weeks and I found my ring while he was away. I took him to see it, he loved it as much as I did, then we talked about looking just a bit more so we went to a few more places to make sure nothing else stood out for us. It didn''t and we agreed that was the ring. The rest he did. There wasn''t a big proposal AGAIN, with the ring. He''d already proposed. The ring needed to be sized and while it was out being sized I was out of town. I knew that when I returned, he''d have the ring, and I said nothing. That night, sitting on the couch, he pulled the ring box out from the couch cushions and said "so, I think I have something you want...." and he put the ring on my finger.

SO, it all depends on whether or not he''s proposed, or if you''ve just talked about marriage. If he''s proposed, I personally say, let him just give you the ring. I think guys are under SO much pressure to give "the best proposal ever" and I think for most guys, just buying a ring that expensive is overwhelming enough! If he hasn''t proposed, I think it''s fine if you choose the setting and stone together (and if you''re worried about his negotiation skills, buy the stone together first, then let him take it to be set in a setting you''ve already selected. And you dont see the ring until he presents it to you with a proposal - or without if he''s already asked. Make sense?

 

[emilina22]

that super exiting! and that set is so classic and beautiful.

when M and i were working on my ring i was a part of that whole process and i loved being involved, but when it came time for my ring to be picked up i was not allowed to ask about it or even look at it (well that lasted 3 days cause he showed me it before he proposed, since he was afraid i may not like all the details, like how high the ring sat.) BUT he was very stern about me not being there when he picked up my ring, once the design process was over and the stone was handed to our amazing jeweler, i was not allowed to be involved anymore, this was because he still wanted to surprise me.

 

[KimberlyH]

First, what a beautlful setting!

Next, DH picked my center stone and setting out together, the center stone needed to be set and we purchased the ring in a city 2,000 miles away from home. He teased me, after purchasing the ring, that we still weren''t engaged because he hadn''t really asked. He proposed that night at dinner. I recieved my ring the following Tuesday (as soon as it arrived from FedEx he drove it to my place of employment).

After we purchased the ring it all became sort of a joke, it was like "here we are and we know where we''re headed" but he wanted to tease me and I gave him that, because he''s so darn cute.

I was not all about a proposal, it was much more important to me that we wanted the same things. I''m also quite practical and didn''t expect him (a very quiet, pragmatic, thoughtful sort) to be anyone but who he was, which meant a very private, restrained, but teasing "Will you marry me?" I wouldn''t trade it for the world.

I know a woman who''s live-in boyfriend had and hid a ring they''d picked together for 2 years. They owned a home together and were, for all intents and purposes, a married couple. She never once went looking for the ring, she just waited patiently for him to ask. So the proposal itself was a suprise, but she knew what was coming, eventually.

 

[iheartscience]

I picked out my diamond and designed the setting myself. My boyfriend paid for the ring, got it shipped in his name to the FedEx station and was then going to give me a surprise proposal. Luckily it didn''t involve waiting for a specific day, because he did it the same day he got the ring!

If you want a proposal, I would go, pick out the diamond, negotiate and whatnot, and then let him pay for it and hold onto it until he proposes. Of course, you need to tell him that you want an actual proposal if you haven''t already. Guys (and girls!) aren''t mind readers, and they often don''t even pick up on heavy hints, so if that''s what you want, you should just tell him straight up!

 

[rubybeth]

Two years, KimberlyH?!? I guess if my BF and I were already living together, this might not seem so horrible, but I''ve told S I''d be surprised if he can hold onto the ring for more than two WEEKS once it''s in his hands. UGh! I wonder what kind of LIW syndrome she had once all was said and done?

And, to answer your question, brooke.lynne, I guess I''d say you should talk to your boyfriend if you feel you really want a proposal, or at least maybe just him getting you some flowers and saying, "I love you, will you marry me?" It doesn''t have to be a big show or presentation (just got a mental image of a guy giving a PowerPoint on "Why You Should Marry Me!!"), just something kind of nice and honest. I think every lady at least deserves that, not just "Here''s your darn ring," and it''s done, you know?

I like your potential future set, as well.

 

[ImpatientOne]

We went ring shopping and picked everything out together. When the ring was ready, due to work schedules, I had to pick it up from the jewelers (darn!). My then-fiance picked it up from my house that weekend and I didn''t see it again until he officially proposed about a month later.

Best wishes!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/11/2008 10:40:03 PM
Author: rubybeth
Two years, KimberlyH?!? I guess if my BF and I were already living together, this might not seem so horrible, but I''ve told S I''d be surprised if he can hold onto the ring for more than two WEEKS once it''s in his hands. UGh! I wonder what kind of LIW syndrome she had once all was said and done?

Yup, 2 years, and on the surface she didn''t care. We talked about it several times (she was a co-worker) and she was like "Yeah, he has the ring, it''s in the house somewhere, I''ll get it when I get it." She was in no rush to get married, or at least that was what she expressed to me. When he did propose they were engaged for at least another year before their wedding. She just wasn''t in a rush and he wanted/needed some things to be settled before they got married.

My husband literally recieved the package and drove to my office to give it to me, he didn''t even open it, just handed me the whole box.

 

[EricaR]

K has the ring now. I picked out the setting and the stone, and when it arrived I had to go to FedEx to pick it up (the box had been sent to my attention) but as soon as he got home from work he took it from me, closed the door to the office, and managed to hide it somewhere...

Even though I''ve seen the completed photos I haven''t seen the actual ring and I am soooo excited to. I''m sure he is waiting just to torture me, but for sure there is a way to propose even if you helped pick the ring.

 

[honey22]

Congrats brooke.lynne

. The same thing has happened to me just tonight! After 11 years and me still wondering if it was going to happen, he has given the go ahead to purchase my dream ring and give it to him for ''safe keeping''. He wants me to pick the one I really want, and he didn''t want to propose without it I guess. Hence me being up at 3am in the morning Melbourne time, totally wired and not being able to sleep yet (I have to get up for work at 5!).

I have sworn to him that once it''s ordered he can take over and I won''t mention it again, so he can just do his thing without being pressured. But, now I can''t help but wonder, how long will he keep it for, and how will he do it. I am just going to be driven mad!!!!

Maybe you could just casually mention (don''t you love how us LIWs can just drop engagement stuff into conversations

) that you are absolutely dying to have that sparkly on your finger, buy you would also love to have a special simple proposal. That way he might not feel too pressured.

 

[orangemonster]

CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderfully exciting news!
Keep in mind there is no perfect formula for doing this... it depends on the couple.
For DH and I, we went and picked out the stone and setting together. From that point, I did not see the completed ring. He was the one to go and pick up the finished product then he surprised me with the proposal. When he opened the box, the ring was a surprise to me as I had not seen it ''put together''. Our way of doing this really worked out for us well. I got the ring I dreamed of, he got the element of surprise he craved. BEST WISHES!

 

[gwendolyn]

Yay, what a wonderfully exciting time for you!!!

J and I are going to pick out my ring together too, and we''ve already talked about how I want him to officially propose (however he wants to--he''s a quiet guy, so I''m thinking it will be something very private which is perfect) because I want the memory of him asking. I am a VERY sentimental person, so every time I look at the ring, I will remember the look on his face and the tone of his voice when he asks me to marry him, so I personally don''t think knowing what the ring looks like in advance will take anything away from that (although I know some do).

I think I will be so excited to get to choose my ring AND still get to be surprised when J proposes! I feel like it''s a win-win, but that''s what will work for US. If you''d prefer to not have an ''official'' proposal (which is only a technicality if you''ve agreed to get married and have shopped for the ring together anyway), then having the discussion and doing the shopping might be what you want most! My mom and dad just had a convo and then went out to buy their engagement couch--my mom used to be waaaaay too practical for diamonds, although she''s had a slight change of heart in recent years.

Whatever your gut tells you, I say go with it--and congratulations on such big news!!

 

[pjean]

Date: 1/13/2008 4:03:43 PM
Author: orangemonster
For DH and I, we went and picked out the stone and setting together. From that point, I did not see the completed ring.

This is what my BF and I are planning, too. He surprised me (and himself, I think) by how important it was to him to be able to propose with a ring that I hadn''t seen. He originally wanted to pick it, and I was fine with that, but part way through one shopping trip, he was rapidly collecting furrows in his brow. I asked him what was up, and he said "there''s no way I''m going to pick you a ring. I guess we''ll just have to do without a proposal." Finding a compromise was a big deal.

Now we have a stone, and we''re going to look at settings this weekend. I fully expect him to tease me for a good while (although not 2 years! Yikes!), but as KimberlyH pointed out, it''s hard to mind, since he''s so darn cute.

Of course, I say the same thing when my cat leaves a hairball in the doorway...

 

[brooke.lynne]

First of all, let me just say that I don''t know how I survived as an LIW before I found this board. Seriously, everyone has so many great ideas and experiences that are unique and somehow really relevant to one another''s questions, and this is a perfect example. Thank you!!!

We''re going to pick out a center stone this weekend and then it will be set and shipped to one of our parents'' houses. At that point I want to pull back. Completely. But I''m the one who deals with our insurance policy (and it''s in my name), and I don''t think he will know where to get it appraised (not that I do either) which I''d like to have as soon as it''s done so I don''t get it, wear it, then have to send it off somewhere and be without it for a while

I think that would break my heart. I think I''m going to take care of the insurance aspect and ask him to figure out the appraisal so I don''t have to physically handle the thing.

This is a bit tangential, but important: has anyone gotten a bit tired from/of looking? I thought I knew what I wanted from looking online mostly but once we started looking together it all changed. Now it is a bit overwhelming, the choices and all. Plus I know that this wasn''t the original timeframe he had in mind (he would have put it off a bit more if it was entirely up to him and not up to us). So he hasn''t been super vocal about his preferences or anything but I don''t think he would be that way even if it was how he always envisioned it: him picking out a ring without me knowing it and proposing by surprise , probably years from now). Let''s just say I''m more known for taking the initiative than he is. I''m more sure than ever these days that I want to spend the rest of my life with him - so why does this feel more exhausting than fun?

 

[bee*]

D and I picked out our ring in July when we were in NY. Once we were home he took it away and told me that he was planning a proposal before the year end. Nearly 3 months later, he took me to Barcelona and proposed. It was definitely worth the wait and I was a lot more relaxed once he had bought the ring. I was just excited to see how he proposed and to be called his fiance.

 

[rubybeth]

Oh, brooke.lynne, I know how you feel. I have gotten burnout on ''looking'' at settings, and at comparing stones online on my own. For a while, it was my main hobby! When I would get tired of it, I''d go do something else for a bit, but always find myself back at the computer, looking and looking, or going to jewelry stores with S to see what things looked like in real life. A few weeks ago was my breaking point, and I just said, this is what I want, get it soon or I might change my mind again.

It sounds like you want a setting that both of you will like, which is what S and I dealt with for a while. But he really likes antique-looking settings and I also like them but don''t love them and want one for myself, you know? So instead I picked out the classic Tiffany-style setting that will go with whatever clothes/other jewelry I wear until I die, and while S was extremely excited about the setting, he got more excited again when we looked at some rings for him.

So, maybe you just need to take a break from looking for a bit, go back to it in a few days, and try to get something you LOVE and he likes well enough. I doubt that he''d look at what you picked out and say what a monstrosity it was or something.

I do like the set you posted earlier, but (I don''t know if you already do this) have you posted your setting questions in RockyTalky? I posted a question about a potential setting in this forum and the LsIW were very helpful!

Good luck!

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I, too, got burnt out from looking at everything - but then it was worth it because I was able to design the ring of my dreams. He''s had the ring since October, and I have a suspicion that it''s going to happen soon, but the ring was sent to his parents house, and that''s where it has been since. I sneaked a peek, and then FF let me look at it one day, when he wasn''t around to make sure it was up to my specifications... but his procedure is going to be pure surprise!

I can definitely empathize with you on this one! Although waiting has made me crazy, I know it will be worth it in the end, because he can still plan what he wanted - and won''t let me in on anything - but I like it that way. For me, the anticipation is going to be worth it, I can tell. It will be worth the exhaustion for you in the end.

 

[hairgirl95]

I had to add my story to this thread. My dh and I had talked about looking at rings 1.5 years into our relationship. We went together, he picked out the setting, I picked out the diamond. This poor sales girl looks at us and asks if we want to purchase the ring. I look (adoringly and eyes batting of course!!) at my now husband and his reply is--yeah, I like it, but we haven''t set a date yet. Uh, hello honey, you haven''t PROPOSED yet!! It was so cute and funny and innocent at the same time. So he plunks down the money for the ring, I am in total shock since it was the first ring shopping trip and I had NO CLUE it would evolve so fast. 6 weeks later the ring shows up, I already know exactly what it will look like, he lets me try it on and then yanks it away from me until he formally proposes. I waited EXACTLY 27 days for that proposal. Waited through christmas, new years, and FINALLY Jan. 16th he did it. He waited for the holiday mayhem to die down so he could ask both my parents for my hand in marriage. It was a freezing frigid 15 degree night under a full moon under a chiming bell tower when he got on his knee to ask me as the bells started chiming on the hour. Total surprise, total magic, perfect moment. Yes the wait was insane. Yes I picked out the ring with him. But he did the proposal his way, and it was perfect. I don''t equate picking the ring to being engaged. Regardless of when or how you obtain the ring, wait for the question from him. It will be worth the wait.