"Pushing" Engagement?

[MermaidKelly]

My boyfriend is feeling like I am pushing to get engaged. Anyone else going through something similar? I feel hurt because we have talked about this stuff throughout our whole relationship, but it''s like now it is "sinking in" and he is freaking out a little...

 

[AustenNut]

Don''t really have any advice to offer, but I suspect that his bereavement process may also be affecting this right now. Even though the two of you have talked about getting married before, I would just lay off conversations pertaining to engagement and weddings for awhile. Focus on your own interests, and when you do talk make sure the conversations about all the things going on in the world that are not about making a future commitment to each other. That is, after all, what most of the world is about! Good luck with everything.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Getting engaged was a sore spot in my relationship for quite awhile. It''s been a little over three years, and he''s just now able to talk about getting engaged without breaking into a cold sweat.

Is it just timing? Has he told you he wants to marry you, but right now is just not the right time?

 

[elrohwen]

I''m sorry he''s freaking out about engagement

I''m a firm believer that you should be able to talk about engagement in your relationship - it shouldn''t be a taboo topic just because it makes the bf nervous. However, it certainly shouldn''t be the only topic you bring up to the point where your bf runs away at the word "ring".

Do you feel that you''re putting pressure on? If you honestly feel that you''re not, then I think you need to sit him down and have a calm conversation about the whole thing. You''re half of this relationship, so if you want to talk about something that''s bothering you, he owes you that conversation. This is a joint decision the two of you are making and it should be something you can talk about together.

If you feel that you are pressuring him a bit, do you know why you are? Are you just really excited? Are you nervous that he''s not on the same page as you? I would try to figure it out so you can either calm yourself down, or have a conversation with him to clear the air.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/10/2010 1:17:51 PM
Author: elrohwen
I''m sorry he''s freaking out about engagement

I''m a firm believer that you should be able to talk about engagement in your relationship - it shouldn''t be a taboo topic just because it makes the bf nervous. However, it certainly shouldn''t be the only topic you bring up to the point where your bf runs away at the word ''ring''.


Do you feel that you''re putting pressure on? If you honestly feel that you''re not, then I think you need to sit him down and have a calm conversation about the whole thing. You''re half of this relationship, so if you want to talk about something that''s bothering you, he owes you that conversation. This is a joint decision the two of you are making and it should be something you can talk about together.


If you feel that you are pressuring him a bit, do you know why you are? Are you just really excited? Are you nervous that he''s not on the same page as you? I would try to figure it out so you can either calm yourself down, or have a conversation with him to clear the air.

100% agree. Excellent advice.

The only thing I might add, as I''ve just read your other thread, is I would give him a few weeks to work through his bereavement before having the conversation.

 

[HaloBelle]

Date: 1/10/2010 1:43:54 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 1/10/2010 1:17:51 PM

Author: elrohwen

I''m sorry he''s freaking out about engagement

I''m a firm believer that you should be able to talk about engagement in your relationship - it shouldn''t be a taboo topic just because it makes the bf nervous. However, it certainly shouldn''t be the only topic you bring up to the point where your bf runs away at the word ''ring''.



Do you feel that you''re putting pressure on? If you honestly feel that you''re not, then I think you need to sit him down and have a calm conversation about the whole thing. You''re half of this relationship, so if you want to talk about something that''s bothering you, he owes you that conversation. This is a joint decision the two of you are making and it should be something you can talk about together.



If you feel that you are pressuring him a bit, do you know why you are? Are you just really excited? Are you nervous that he''s not on the same page as you? I would try to figure it out so you can either calm yourself down, or have a conversation with him to clear the air.

100% agree. Excellent advice.


The only thing I might add, as I''ve just read your other thread, is I would give him a few weeks to work through his bereavement before having the conversation.

Great Advice. I am also in this situation - not very deeply into it, but I have the fear that I am simply angering him by bringing it up. I haven''t mentioned it directly in months and he knows I want to talk about it this week when he returns from chicago. I am not telling him "Propose, NOW, or else" I want to know "is this a engaged this year or very shortly after kind of timeline or a wait 2-4 more kind of timeline"

I recommend trying to have the conversation alone, in your room, with yourself while he is at work. If you are honest with yourself, you can probably guess his vague reactions to your questions and statements. This will seem crazy, but it should help you stay calm and non-confrontational when it come time to talk about it again.

He might be avoiding it simply because he think

 

[Pushin40]

I agree with the others about giving him some time.

He is being very verbal about needing space. This is a good thing and you are actually very lucky he can communicate with you this way.

Try to focus on other things for a while Getting engaged is not the most important thing in the world...... especially not now.

Hang in there!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m concerned that you''re posting again about your bf wanting space. He''s communicated that he needs his space and you need to respect that or you''re going to push him so far away he''s never going to come back. I know it''s easy to say since I''m married and all, but really, take your time. Enjoy being together as a dating couple because being engaged isn''t always the wonderful experience everyone makes it out to be. Planning a wedding is stressful and hard work and you have to do that on top of your normal life. For the sake of your relationship, take some time for yourself and chill out.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Smothering and/or pushing him will only put you farther away from what you really want.

I won''t get into all the details, but recently, I stopped wanting to get engaged, and I became super busy when I switched jobs.

All of a sudden, he''s bugging me to look at apartments and go ring shopping. HE is the one pushing ME to get engaged this summer. That "meh" feeling about getting engaged made him realize how much he wanted to marry me, and once I became less available all the time, he started to realize how much he misses me.

Before this turnaround, he was insistent that we were too young, and we should wait several more years. It was a real sore spot in our relationship.

So, my advice would be to get involved in something away from him. I never even meant to give my boyfriend more space, but boy, am I glad I did.

 

[treefrog]

Date: 1/10/2010 1:17:51 PM
Author: elrohwen
I''m sorry he''s freaking out about engagement

I''m a firm believer that you should be able to talk about engagement in your relationship - it shouldn''t be a taboo topic just because it makes the bf nervous. However, it certainly shouldn''t be the only topic you bring up to the point where your bf runs away at the word ''ring''.

Do you feel that you''re putting pressure on? If you honestly feel that you''re not, then I think you need to sit him down and have a calm conversation about the whole thing. You''re half of this relationship, so if you want to talk about something that''s bothering you, he owes you that conversation. This is a joint decision the two of you are making and it should be something you can talk about together.

If you feel that you are pressuring him a bit, do you know why you are? Are you just really excited? Are you nervous that he''s not on the same page as you? I would try to figure it out so you can either calm yourself down, or have a conversation with him to clear the air.

I''m a guy and I approve this message. Spot on elrohwen!

Treefrog

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/12/2010 2:11:33 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I''m concerned that you''re posting again about your bf wanting space. He''s communicated that he needs his space and you need to respect that or you''re going to push him so far away he''s never going to come back. I know it''s easy to say since I''m married and all, but really, take your time. Enjoy being together as a dating couple because being engaged isn''t always the wonderful experience everyone makes it out to be. Planning a wedding is stressful and hard work and you have to do that on top of your normal life. For the sake of your relationship, take some time for yourself and chill out.

Agreed, 100%.

(Disclaimer: everything beyond this point is from the heart, from someone who is close to your age (I''m actually younger), and someone who really wants the best for you. Sorry if any part of it sounds mean!)

MermaidKelly, I know you want to be engaged. But, more than once, you have mentioned on these boards that you and your BF are not financially stable at all, don''t have good jobs, you don''t take care of yourselves, still living at home, never have money, etc. How about instead of focusing on engagement/the ring/marriage, you focus more on working on these issues. I say "issues", because that''s really what they are.

If you and your BF really want to get married, you need to be working as a team towards this goal. You both need to be looking at how you can improve your current situation. What other types of better-paying jobs can you look for? What training or schooling can you take to further your education and skills in your career field, or a new career field? Go to job fairs, send out resumes, network, etc.

Nobody can change your situation except for you, MermaidKelly. There is nothing I want more than to see all of the LIW''s get off the list. But, at least IMO, marriage should happen between two adults who can take care of themselves.

 

[jewelz617]

This is not meant to me mean, but if he''s asking you for space it means he needs space. And no amount of pushing, asking, or anything else is going to make him propose until he is ready. If you keep pushing him he might decide to end the relationship. Isn''t he going through a lot right now? Hasn''t he asked for space? Give it to him. That''s the best advice I can offer.

 

[MermaidKelly]

Thanks for the feedback.

Just wanted to clarify though, some of you said this thread was "posting again" about bf and pushing and such, but actually, this message was posted before the other message (about space).

My other topic was more or less meant to be a sad "help me" thread. THIS thread was intended as a more lighthearted discussion about boyfriends that may feel somewhat pressured to get engaged. I wanted to know if anyone else was going through something similar.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 1/16/2010 12:22:53 AM
Author: MermaidKelly
Thanks for the feedback.


Just wanted to clarify though, some of you said this thread was 'posting again' about bf and pushing and such, but actually, this message was posted before the other message (about space).


My other topic was more or less meant to be a sad 'help me' thread. THIS thread was intended as a more lighthearted discussion about boyfriends that may feel somewhat pressured to get engaged. I wanted to know if anyone else was going through something similar.

If you go back and look at all your posts, the majority of them are about you wanting to be engaged, reading self help books about getting engaged, wanting to go ring shopping, and feeling anxiety about not being engaged because your boyfriend isn't ready or isn't enthusiastic about it. It's just hard to see someone who could be actually self destructing her own engagement, so I think that's probably where the more serious advice is coming from. Maybe you should take a little break and get in some time with your girlfriends, start a project that doesn't involve getting married. Maybe you will actually enjoy who you are when you're not feeling desperate to be engaged.

 

[charbie]

Date: 1/16/2010 8:59:06 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 1/16/2010 12:22:53 AM
Author: MermaidKelly
Thanks for the feedback.


Just wanted to clarify though, some of you said this thread was ''posting again'' about bf and pushing and such, but actually, this message was posted before the other message (about space).


My other topic was more or less meant to be a sad ''help me'' thread. THIS thread was intended as a more lighthearted discussion about boyfriends that may feel somewhat pressured to get engaged. I wanted to know if anyone else was going through something similar.

If you go back and look at all your posts, the majority of them are about you wanting to be engaged, reading self help books about getting engaged, wanting to go ring shopping, and feeling anxiety about not being engaged because your boyfriend isn''t ready or isn''t enthusiastic about it. It''s just hard to see someone who could be actually self destructing her own engagement, so I think that''s probably where the more serious advice is coming from. Maybe you should take a little break and get in some time with your girlfriends, start a project that doesn''t involve getting married. Maybe you will actually enjoy who you are when you''re not feeling desperate to be engaged.

Spot on advice! Its way more fun to be engaged when both parties involved are just as excited about it.

 

[rierie26]

I agree that you should maybe back off talking about getting engaged and pushing to make things more serious between you and your boyfriend. No one likes to be pushed into doing things and usually people become more stubborn about saying no than they normally would be if they weren''t being pushed.

Piggybacking on what others have said, take this time to enjoy things without thinking about an engagement. Relationships often change when you move from one relationship stage to another, enjoy this stage while you can (I''m not saying that things will turn worse, but just different) because you might miss it once you get engaged.

 

[kberrie22]

MermaidKelly: I am pretty young (22) and my SO is 26. I am going thru almost the exact same thing as you are right now! Things are mostly worked out as of now between my SO and I but we did have a pretty nasty *ahem* dicussion about me feeling like there was no engagement "timeline" in place. He ended up saying that I was pushing him too much and to let things progress as they will, and that he needs to feel like this is his decision, not like he was pressured into it. I am not sure if any of you LIW''s or even already married ladies have heard this from their SO''s/ husbands but if you have I would be interested in hearing about it. Just so you know, I know how you are feeling right now, just a few days ago I was crying at the drop of a hat it seemed like because i felt like if there was no solid timeline or solid "plan" for engagement then obviously he was not serious and there would be no engagement. I have since realized that for whatever reason I was probably pressuring him, and everyone on here is right, if you pressure anyone too much they will just walk away. So for now I am going to take the advice that so many people have been giving me (and that I have read on here!) to take up as much of my freetime as possible with things other than engagement/ marriage and spend some time away from my SO doing things that will enrich my life. I hope it will have many positive side effects like bringing us closer and allowing him the space he needs to feel like he can make a life long commitment. Hope this helps a little!

 

[Cindy50550]

If you have to push him, that means he simply isn''t read for whatever reason. Pushing the matter will only make things worse.

 

[mariewest]

I get told a lot to chill out and be patient when it comes to getting engaged. We''ve been dating for three years and orginially he said he would propose by the end of 2008 (completely not prompted by me!) However it is now 2010 and it has yet to happen, so I''m getting a little anxious. We''re on the same page for the most part about marriage and our relationship. But I feel like he is the type of guy to go after what he wants and makes things happen, so I am hurt that he doesn''t try to make an engagement happen. It makes me a little insecure and I feel so silly for feeling that way. I have been trying to push him for a 2012 wedding. But whenever I bring up marriage, or I don''t even have to bring it up - we were driving in the car and a commerical came on about a bridal show and he changed the channel, he just doesn''t want to talk about it and changes the topic. It''s frustrating. They say they want to get married, but their actions don''t reflect that and then they tell us we are pressuring them? Your not the only one experiencing this.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I was kind of in your situation. Many of the ladies on LIW know my story but I will tell you what I''ve learnt.
My boyfriend was always bringing up marriage, when we were going to get engaged etc. I didn''t really bring it up much because I am a bit sceptical of marriage (my parents are divorced) and I''m afraid to end up in an unhappy marriage. Yet this was the guy I thought I would eventually marry, I thought we were really great together etc. Despite wanting to marry him, I always kept in mind that there were issues (financial, emotional etc) that would have to be sorted out before such a big commitment could be made.
The few times I did bring it up, he seemed to suddenly get "cold feet". I didn''t pay much attention because he was excited about it the rest of the time, when he was bringing it up, which was 99% of the time.
In the last few months of our relationship things started falling apart, and the more I pulled away the more he brought up marriage and started ring shopping etc.
We broke up and I discovered that after 3 years, I really didn''t know this guy and that there had been warning signs that I hadn''t picked up on. If I had gotten completely carried away with wanting to be engaged and married I would probably at this very moment be engaged to a man I would NEVER want to be married to. When you get caught up with wanting to get that ring on your finger you become blind to relationship problems and warning signs. The fact that he is sending you so many negative signals is a sign that all is not well. DON''T IGNORE IT!

I broke up with him for very serious reasons. Marriage was not one of them. Yet he is going around telling everyone that we broke up because of my pressure on him to get married. What a joke!
Sometimes your prince turns out to be a jerk wrapped in tinfoil.