Question for those who are married

[XChick03]

Recently, I''ve had a lot of doubts about getting married. It''s not because of him, because I love him completely and couldn''t imagine a day without him. I know for sure he''s the one for me, but I''ve just realized I have a huge fear of divorce. I guess it''s because my parents are divorced and I don''t really know many couples who''ve been together for a while and are still happy together, most either have gotten a divorce or want to but won''t because of their children. But our wedding is still a year away and I''m already afraid. Isn''t that a horrible sign?

I really just want to know how many of you are still happily married. I think if I know of a lot of people who have been married for years and are still in love, it''ll help me get over this stupid fear.

 

[AmberWaves]

XChick, I''m not married, but I know exactly what you are talking about. My parents never married, but "stayed together for the kids". Which meant we were treated to weekly (sometimes daily) screaming sessions. I''m terrified of divorce, too. I ask my fiance all the time, "Are you sure we''re going to make it?" And he gets so mad at me, because NO, we don''t know if we will make it, but as long as you put all your energy into making it work, and keeping your love alive, you can do it. My reasoning is, what couples get married with the thoughts that it may not workout? How do I know this is forever? We just don''t know, XChick. And I wish we could, trust me.

I don''t want a life like my parents, I want this to be forever, but don''t go into marriage thinking it MAY not work out. My aunt has been married for 45 years, and she''s only 62! The same on the other side of the family. Just trust in your love, and take every day at a time. All I can say from a non-married person.

 

[Caribou]

I'm not married yet either.

My parents have been divorced since I was 2, of course, I don't want to go through that. Who really does but being from a 'broken' home makes it more of a reality for some of us. However, getting divorced has never really been a fear of mine, I mean I know it's possible, but I think what you need to do it realize that your life with your FI is not going to be a bed of roses all 50 + years of it, there are going to be ups and downs, hopfully more ups. There are goign to be tough times, times where you might hate him but you work through these times because that's what marriage is about.

You'll be fine....if you are having serious issues with it, speak with your pastor, or a counsler they can help you through these doubts. Plenty of people have made a marriage work throught the good, the bad, even the very bad....just tell youself 'so can we'.

 

[XChick03]

That''s pretty much exactly what Peter told me when I mentioned it to him a few days ago. Though, its hard for him to understand because his parents have been married forever and he thinks they''re perfectly happy. Sadly though, they really aren''t that happy. Logically, I really don''t know why this bothers me so much, we hardly ever fight and when we do, its a little 5 minute spat we laugh about later and we''re both so willing to compromise and do whatever it takes to make sure we''re both happy.

 

[XChick03]

Date: 4/12/2006 11:22:06 AM
Author: Caribou
I''m not married yet either.


My parents have been divorced since I was 2, of course, I don''t want to go through that. You really does but being from a ''broken'' home makes it more of a reality for some of is. However, getting divorced has never really been a fear of mine, I mean I know it''s possible, but I think what you need to do it realize that your life with your FI is not going to be a bed of roses all 50 + years of it, there are going to be ups and downs, hopfully more ups. There are goign to be tough times, times where you might hate him but you work through these times because that''s what marriage is about.


You''ll be fine....if you are having serious issues with it, speak with your pastor, or a counsler they can help you through these doubts. Plenty of people have made a marriage work throught the good, the bad, even the very bad....just tell youself ''so can we''.

You''re so right, I know you are. And I tell myself that all the time. I''ve talked to my mom about it, because she''s the best counselor for me ever, and she tells me not to worry so much. And that as long as I want to make it work, it will work.

It still bothers me, though.

 

[AmberWaves]

That''s what we do, just make ourselves happy today! Not worry about tomorrow, or next week, or next year.. It''s a common feeling, I think (I hope!).

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Well, I''ve only been married for a year and a half, but I''m still very much happily married

. My parents celebrated their 38th anniversary in Jan., and they''re more in love than when they were younger. Like Caribou said, there are going to be ups and downs in a marriage. I know for me personally, not every day with my husband is all that exciting. Sometimes it''s boring and routine, and all that. But I wouldn''t trade anything, not even those boring days, for life without him.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 4/12/2006 11:26:27 AM
Author: XChick03
You''re so right, I know you are. And I tell myself that all the time. I''ve talked to my mom about it, because she''s the best counselor for me ever, and she tells me not to worry so much. And that as long as I want to make it work, it will work.

It still bothers me, though.

It''s totally understandable that it would, but like you mom said ''as long as you want it to work..it will'' she is a wise woman.

 

[appletini]

My FI and I both come from divorced families. Having dealt with it, it has helped us to see what we really want in a life partner. Had either of us married our exes we would both get divorced, but we knew ahead of time that those relationships weren''t meant to be for life and found in each other what we want.

So think of it this way, because you know the red flags, you''ve already weeded out the divorce candidates and your FI and you will make it work because you found what you really want.

 

[Lorelei]

My Hubby and I have been together over 19 years and married for 18. Sure I had huge doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, plus as you know I am English and he is from the States which meant we had issues to consider such as his family and job etc. I think some level of fear and doubt is normal, if we jumped into something as serious as marriage with a happy cry without considering carefully it would be a bad thing. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life without him and that should give you the reassurance you seek, but regarding divorce, like with many things in life there are no guarantees.....all you can do is your best, decide if your fiance is truly a good fit for you and if you can imagine growing old with him and work at your marriage constantly. All successful marriages take work and have their ups and downs, but ultimately you need to have the same goals in life which you work towards together, be prepared to give and take, laugh together and communicate, and be each other's best friends and comfort. Mutual trust and respect also goes a long way towards smoothing out the inevitable bumps. Also take time to enjoy just being with each other, I enjoy just spending time with my Hubby, there is no one else I would rather " just be" with. Also you are in a good position to avoid the pitfalls which can lead to divorce.
This is one of my rambly sort of posts again but I hope you might find something useful in it!

 

[XChick03]

Thank you everyone. You''ve already calmed my anxieties a lot.

Yeah Carribou, she is so wise. She''s one of those moms who just knows everything and just has the best advice waiting for me.

appletini, I hadn''t thought of it that way, that''s a very good point.

Lorelei, its so reassuring to know there are people who can be married for more than 10 years and still be happy with each other. I couldn''t imagine life without Peter and we have such an amazing relationship. He makes me so happy and we always have so much fun together, even when we''re not doing anything at all. And like you, there is no one else I would rather "just be" with. It gets boring at times, but I would rather be bored with him than be with someone else.

 

[ivanadiamond]

xchick03,

I think it is perfectly normal to question and worry about this before you get married (and even during) it shows that you are really taking this seriously and that you are not just letting life happen without being in the drivers seat.

Forever is scary, we have no control over what will happen in our future, we can only take the steps today to make tomorrow better. I come from a divorced family as well, mom and dad both twice failed and I really was and still am scared of divorce. Nobody ever goes into a marriage wanting for it to happen and 1 out of 2 marriages fail so it scares me, but it also makes me realize that the other half succeed.

In the end it doesn't matter if you are married or not if the result is you are in a loveless marriage. human life is an ebb and flow- life moves in cycles. To be in a relationship does not guarantee an eternal summer. To make a sincere and honest commitment does not promise, an end to all struggle. What a good relationship does offer, is the opportunity for renewal. It recognizes the abiding, shared hope that after every fall and winter, spring and summer will come again.

Marriage is an adventure in the most intimate of human relationships. It is the need to share warmth, serenity and peace two people can give to one another. A simple touch, a hand held at a time of uncertainty. It is the intention behind the kiss that says, “ Despite the vastness of this earth, despite the chaotic details that make up our lives, despite the hundreds of people we will meet in our travels, you are mine and I am yours forever.”

I think we all have to come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella. And realize in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings
(or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Just take a deep breath and begin to design the life that you want to live as best as you can.

 

[snow_happy]

Hi xchickx

I was in a similar situation a few months ago. My parents are not divorced but not happy while my FI's parents are totally happy. I was worried sick that my FI and I would have a marriage like my parents.

I actually did a weekend seminar thing where you reflect on your life and stuff and I actually had a sort of daydream where my FI and I were fighting and then we morphed into my parents. It was totally scary...but AFTER the daydream I realized how silly it was. My FI and I are NOT my parents or his parents...we are just Tim and Joanne in our own, unique relationship. Our fights don't even occur the same way as my parents' fights!

After thinking about it more, there are so many differences between my parents relationship and my FI and I's relationship that I was scared of something that didn't exist. I realized that if I kept thinking it was going to happen, the fear would alter my actions and our relationship might turn into my parents relationship so I gave up the fear and resolved to just live inside my FI and I's relationship no matter how it turned out. Trust in your love and create your own future.

Hope that helps!

 

[squarediamondlove]

Hi XChick03,

It''s interesting how our parents relationships form fears in our relationships. I have the same problem except its reversed: my parents are actually married (and so are his) for 30 years now. However, my parents are not happily married and my mom feels like she spent the most critical points in her life with my father and it is now too late to find some one else because of her age (almost 60). So she feels like she has no choice but to stay out of fear of living alone b/c she has no family here other than my dad''s- she feels like all the signs to leave were there before, but she was so devoted to working it out that she ignored them. Now when she finally admitted to herself that what she wants my dad can''t give its too late.

So my fear is either we will get divorced too quick or my relationship will turn out like theirs - I will be so devoted to working it out that when I finally realize its over I will be in my 50''s and the hopes of finding someone else to be happy with are very slim. So part of me feels, (and my FI actually fears this), that if things aren''t working out and your unhappy, and you reasonably tried, no point in beating a dead horse and just get divorced and try to find happiness elsewhere - life is too short. So I guess my fear is kind of the reverse of yours.

The point is that even if your parents were together, it doesn''t mean that you wouldn''t have fears about entering a marriage. One''s expectations must be realistic and you must recognize that there may be times where its difficult and when you will be fighting a lot, but there will aslo be good times. I think its normal and its important to make sure that you and your other give it all you got in working it out and be willing to change or improve for one another -if the effort only comes from one person that is problematic and not enough. I think its also important to realize when its over.

 

[zhuzhu]

I am not married yet. However I too also fear divorce and do not ever want it to happen in my lifetime. Yes, the divorce rate is alarming and no marriage is ever "easy". However, I believe you are in charge of your own destiny. When the two of you have the solid foundation of love, communication, and trust, no matter how difficult life can be from time to time, you CAN overcome all problems if BOTH of you are committed tp making it work. Sometime the most wonderful things in life come only when you take a leap of faith and dive right in with eyes wide open.

 

[fire&ice]

First, regardless of divorced parents, it is normal to question the whole marriage thing. I was so excited to become engaged - then reality hit! OMG - I have to spend the rest of my life with HIM! For a while, I even resented him. But, I calmed down & worked through it. We have been married coming up on 22 years & I''m more in love now than I was when we married. It''s a very different love. It''s like we are a part of one another.

Marriage takes hard work. You have to approach it that you WILL be married till death do you part. It''s a very difficult concept for someone coming from divorced parents who didn''t provide that role model. Be optimistic! Many Many marriages survive to ripe old ages. The key to a successful marriage is really quite simple. Communication, admiration, unconditional love (like when they stink up the bathroom), & - a sense of humor. The admiration goes to a trust issue. The sense of humor not only is a very bonding experience - it can diffuse many a situations.

Good luck. Don''t think you may not make it. Think you WILL make it - and make it happen.

 

[aljdewey]

I''ve not been married long......coming up on 2 years in July....but like others, I am more in love with my husband now than ever.

We had really serious discussions going into it, and what our expectations were. I think for us, the key is respect. We really respect and admire each other. He complements me, and I him, in a way that I never realized was possible.

When we married, he promised that he would stay.....through everything. I know he meant it, and I meant it, too. So, whatever we face together, no matter how dicey things get, we have to find a way to work it out because we promised to.

For me, quitting just isn''t an option, so I don''t worry about "what if it doesn''t work". With enough love, effort, and compromise, it will work.

 

[XChick03]

Thanks again everyone. I really don''t know what I''d do without this place, I''d probably have a crappy mall diamond and have no idea about all this wedding stuff.

ivana (love your screenname btw), that is probably one of the best and most insightful posts I''ve ever read. It really helped me a lot and made me feel better just reading it, thank you so much for that.

snow, you know, my relationship isn''t even remotely similar to my parent''s and its really obvious why theirs failed. They got married right out of highschool because my mom got pregnant with me. They never ever should''ve gotten married.

Kaleidoscopic, I have a fear of just being stuck in a loveless marriage, too. Even though, I can''t really comprehend how people can just fall out of love and can''t imagine it ever happening with us. And we both do everything we can to make each other happy and make ourselves happy.

zhuzhu, I am starting to believe more and more that as long as we try to make it work and never give up on it, we''ll be fine. I know its a lot easier said than done, but if you want something bad enough, you''ll do whatever you can to make it happen.

fire&ice, that''s pretty much exactly what happened to me. Before we got engaged, all I could think about was marrying him, then we got engaged and I was just overwhelmed with happiness and excited and then WHAM-this is really for the rest of my life. Communication is one problem we definitely don''t have. I can tell him absolutely anything, like this fear for example, and he can tell me anything too. We talk about everything and he makes me laugh constantly. One of the things I love the most about him is how he can make me laugh even when I''m mad at him. I''m usually the type of person that stays mad at someone for a while, but I can be in the middle of arguing with him about something and he''ll just make this completely goofy face and I forget all about being mad.

 

[XChick03]

SDL, I''m sorry your first marriage didn''t work out, it sounds much like what happened to my mom & dad. Peter and I have talked a great deal about everything, what we want from our lives, our fears, hopes and dreams and everything in between. We have the same goals and everything just fits with us. After reading everyone''s wonderful posts, I know that we will be happy as long as we continue to love and respect each other the way we do now. I can just pictures us old with grandkids running around everywhere.

That''s an incredible story about your friend. It really proves that some people really can go the distance. Of course, I knew after a month with Peter that he was the one for me.

 

[Mara]

xchick, i know what you are going through....right after we got engaged i had the worst fears as well. up until that point i was rah rah rah you're the one for me, lets get married etc...and suddenly when he agreed and presented the ring it wasn't like it was REAL up until that point and i totally freaked out. i kept most of it under wraps mentally because i didn't want him to think that i was freaking out about marrying HIM but rather it was just more like 'holy crap what am i getting myself into!!'. though we did talk about it a little and he wasn't even fazed by my fears which made me feel even better. i know the divorce statistics, i never wanted to get divorced, i think that most couples give up too easily and get seduced by thoughts of a greener pasture or miss single elements of life like not having anyone to answer to (something i think jessica simspon got sucked into) or this or that and don't remember they made a lifetime vow to this person to be there for them as their mate. so what is to stop any one of us from falling into that trap? anyway i got through that time, there was alot of 'well lets review our relationship' kind of mental moments for me, and comparisons to old relationships, i was just trying to remind my more insane side WHY i really felt so stongly that this man was the one for me. i slowly calmed down and then that was it...i didn't really have any more scary moments. i had mentally committed that this was the thing to do and that was that, if my mind tried to interject with something negative i wouldn't allow it and kind of just shut it down.

fast forward ~3 years, we are coming up on our 2 year wedding anniversary and things have totally changed in our lives. let me first say that marriage DOES take work. it's not a complacent thing...it doesn't take care of itself. it's nothing like dating was for us. there are so many more 'real' moments where you have to deal with things like a bad day at work, or not feeling well, managing finances, household chores, juggling work and the relationship, juggling the work, relationship and still seeing friends and family, and this and that. we are more connected than when we were dating, we find ourselves less independent. we also find sometimes that one of us has different expectations on what marriage is than the other (this really surprised us as we were together for about 4 years when we got married...not like we hadn't spent oodles of time with each other), there has to be communication, compromise, lots of respect...one thing that is still hard for me to get used to is being with him all the time at the house, i think both of us really loved our freedom before to just go out and do something on our own...but now it's like oh if i stop to get a sandwich at the deli, i should call greg and ask if he wants something or if he already ate. as we like to call it, it's all about us together. we like to joke around and say something that we saw on a show once where a couple was in therapy and the therapist said 'you're thinking like *I*...not like *WE*'....hehe.. but it's true, we are totally more connected mentally. and we are still learning how to make things work 2 years later, but it's fun to try and we are still very much in love and so happy that we found each other and have made it to where we are now. the whole 'partner in life' thing is really special.

anyway i could go on for days about how marriage is different than just dating, we lived together for a year + before marrying and marriage is still different even than that. i guess some couples maybe don't change, but life is all about change and how you can handle change. alot of people end up divorce because one person changes or something changes and the other person can't handle it or doesn't want the change. after a change, you can NEVER go back to what something was like before....that is an unrealistic expectation because things are different. you can only take what is in the present and shape it for the future.

so anyway this long ramble, i wanted to say.....the fact that you are worried IS GOOD. it means you are being realistic about things in your life and you know the chance for failure is there. you are going into it with eyes open and blinders off, you have seen what a divorce can do to a family...but it's up to you two how this plays out. there are statistics or family baggage but the relationships is about the both of you. good luck girl and i think inside you probably know that marrying this man you love is the way you want to go....and the more time you give yourself to figure things out and really think them through, the more your mind will calm down. i had my worries right after engagement but they were pretty much calmed within a few months and then the wedding was about a year after that and it was fine. the tricks our mind play on us...!!!! but i think if you can get past it you will feel even stronger about the marriage.

 

[FireGoddess]

I''ve been married for 2.5 years now. My parents have been married for 36 years. It''s normal to have a fear of divorce, particularly if it has affected your life. We are still doing great. We have our fights, as does everyone, but if you continue to love and respect each other, the relationship flourishes. I have come to understand that nobody can predict the future - people can spend 30 years together and still get divorced. All we can do is believe in ourselves and our partners, try to live a loving life, and do the best we can. The cards will fall where they may.

 

[sydneycasandra]

Xchick-

I understand what you''re going through. I am getting married in 6 weeks and I have been finding myself being NUTS with my FI; everything he says and does makes me want to kill him, so now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing.

Eventually you hit that moment when you realize you''re really going to marry this person; mine just came, but yours obviously came earlier since it''s a year away; that''s good too. I too am scared, freaked out, and terrified that we are going to end up in a ugly divorce that I''ll never heal from. But there is probably some reason you wanted to marry FI in the first place, and as long as you remember what those things (hopefully there is more than one!) are you will be okay. I feel for you and know exactly what you''re going through; best of luck!

 

[XChick03]

I just can''t thank you all enough for the wonderful advice you''ve given me everytime I''ve come here with something bothering me, which has been everything from diamond questions, worring about my great-grandmother and now wedding anxieties. You are really the best bunch of people ever!

Just after reading everyone''s helpful posts, I feel tons better. Almost like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Mara, I always enjoy reading your posts (and admiring your gorgeous rings.) I love how you are always so realistic and say what you feel. I''m really glad I''m not the only person who has had these fears after getting engaged. And I know marriage is going to be a big change for us, even though we''re currently living together, but I am really starting to believe its going to be a change for the good. Sure, we''ll have some adjusting to do (or a lot because we''re both so independent) and some things to work through at some point, but I now have a lot of faith that we''ll be able to get through it together.

SDL, hugs right back at you!

You are always so kind and just seem so full of happiness, you just have a way of brightening up everyone''s day. You have helped a great deal and given me a lot of hope. Thank you!

AntiguaBride, I''m sure you will have a happy and wonderful marriage. I hope some of the great advice from fellow PSers has helped you as well. I wish you the best of luck!!!

And I just have to add, my FI, Peter is just so incredible. He really made all of my doubts go away without even realizing it. For those of you who remember my troubles with my great-grandmother, she''s now living with my aunt, her other granddaughter and doing wonderfully. My aunt and uncle are going on a vacation with their kids this weekend and she asked if me and Peter would mind letting grandma stay with us. I was thrilled with the idea because I used to live with her and miss her terribly. We picked her up today and Peter just made me fall even more in love with him, if thats even possible. He is so kind and patient with her, making sure she''s comfy, getting her blankets when she''s cold, buying her candy bars because she has one heck of a sweet tooth...he really is so amazing.

 

[AmantdeChat]

Date: 4/12/2006 11:57:14 AM
Author: ivanadiamond


xchick03,

I think it is perfectly normal to question and worry about this before you get married (and even during) it shows that you are really taking this seriously and that you are not just letting life happen without being in the drivers seat.

Forever is scary, we have no control over what will happen in our future, we can only take the steps today to make tomorrow better. I come from a divorced family as well, mom and dad both twice failed and I really was and still am scared of divorce. Nobody ever goes into a marriage wanting for it to happen and 1 out of 2 marriages fail so it scares me, but it also makes me realize that the other half succeed.

In the end it doesn''t matter if you are married or not if the result is you are in a loveless marriage. human life is an ebb and flow- life moves in cycles. To be in a relationship does not guarantee an eternal summer. To make a sincere and honest commitment does not promise, an end to all struggle. What a good relationship does offer, is the opportunity for renewal. It recognizes the abiding, shared hope that after every fall and winter, spring and summer will come again.

Marriage is an adventure in the most intimate of human relationships. It is the need to share warmth, serenity and peace two people can give to one another. A simple touch, a hand held at a time of uncertainty. It is the intention behind the kiss that says, “ Despite the vastness of this earth, despite the chaotic details that make up our lives, despite the hundreds of people we will meet in our travels, you are mine and I am yours forever.”

I think we all have to come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella. And realize in the real world there aren''t always fairy tale endings
(or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of ''happily ever after'' must begin with you. Just take a deep breath and begin to design the life that you want to live as best as you can.

Beautiful reply ivanadiamond!

XChick03: The advice you have been given is excellent, so I can''t really add to it. Just remember you are not alone in your fears and as long as you recognize it and face it, you should be fine. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life, (wouldn''t it be great if there was though?!

)

Just remember, worrying about what may or may not happen is counterproductive to your happiness and the happiness of your relationship. Enjoy what you have today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.