Questions, Questions, Questions!

[largirl]

Technically I''m a lady in waiting, but my BF of six years and I have been talking about getting married next fall. We''ll see where that goes, but in the meantime I''ve been thinking about quite a few wedding things and came up with these questions:

1. How did you pay for it? Unfortunately, we won''t have any contributions from our parents and we have about half of our planned $10,000 budget in savings. We don''t want to go into debt over the other $5,000. Any brilliant ideas for money-making in the next year? Obviously I''m looking into a second job, but I want to see if I''ve missed anything. Friends have suggested egg donation (no joke!) and doing one of those overnight study things. I''m also planning on taking any money I save through coupons and discounts and putting that into a special account.

2. For budget reasons, I need to keep the wedding list to 150 people. That limits our family to immediate family only - grandparents, aunt/uncles, and cousins. That''s fine for BF as he doesn''t have a lot of extended family, but I do. My mom''s family is all very close and I have a lot of great aunts/uncles, second cousins, etc. that I see a few times a year and I would love to celebrate with them as well. Would it be tacky or wrong to have a BBQ or casual get together the weekend after the official wedding and reception? There would be overlap - some people would be invited to both (like my grandparents). I would be concerned that the people not invited to the wedding would think that they weren''t good enough for the "real" party - although I think word of mouth would help them understand the money issue. I am also concerned it''d look like I was gift hungry, which again isn''t the case at all - I just want to see everyone and celebrate with them! I wouldn''t have a problem saying "No gifts, please." Would it work if I had my mom "officially" host it or send the invites? How would they be worded?

3. Are you supposed to have your sister be your MOH? I have two younger sisters and tradition seems to state that the older of the two would be my MOH, but we aren''t close at all, and the younger of the two wouldn''t like being in the spotlight like that, so I was going to have a friend be my MOH. However people seem to think that not having my sister be my MOH is breaking some unwritten rules....

 

[aprilcait]

Regarding question #1, a second job and an acount for your coupon-related savings are great ideas. I would also suggest that you and Future-FI go through your combined finances and note what are unnecessary expenditures (i.e.: buying lunch every day, the daily Starbucks run, eating dinner out often, etc.). That could realy help you save.

For question #2, I would say a BBQ reception is a fab idea. However, a same-day BBQ might be even better. Meaning, rather than having one fancy reception and one BBQ reeption, just have a BBQ reception with all of your guests right after the ceremony. I would try to limit the ceremony guest list to, say, 40-50 people, but invite whom ever you please to the BBQ reception. That way, if you have a pesky second cousin who just doesn''t get why he/she would not be invited to the ceremony, you can honestly say that you are having a very small, intimate ceremony but look forward to seeing him/her at the BBQ reception. Just a thought.

Question #3: there''s no wedding commandment stating that you must have your sister as your MOH. Many brides don''t follow that, and choose to have a close friend be the MOH or have no attendants at all. If you and your sisters aren''t close, don''t sweat it. If you''re worried you''ll feel guilty (which you shouldn''t) or if one or both of your sisters is super sensitive, maybe you could have them do something special for the wedding, like the readings.

 

[karasue91]

How long did it take you to save the first $5k, and how long would it take you to save the second $5k? There are lots of credit cards out there with no interest for OVER a year, and no fees at all. It''s basically an interest free loan, so if you think you can save up $5k in that year in order to pay it off when the 0% period is over, that is a pretty safe way to do it.

#2 - Sorry but I have no ideas, I have a very small family!

#3 - I think the question is how your sister would feel about not being your MOH. If she doesn''t mind, then who cares what someone else might think?

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi LAGirl!

Wow, you must have a lot of aunts, uncles, and cousins! 150 is a pretty nice sized wedding.

OK, to answer your questions

1) Re money: you have a year. There are two of you. So you each have to raise $2500. That''s about $200 / month each. Can you save that much from your salary? If so, you''re golden!

Think carefully about egg donation. It means you''ll have a genetic child out there. Are you comfortable with that? If so, it''s a decent option I suppose.

2) Having a post-wedding reception is just fine, but will it be in a different city? If it''s in the same city, it''s more likely that people will be all ''how come I didn''t get an invitation to the REAL wedding?'' but if the reception is where the others'' live, they''re likely to take it as you being nice... i.e., not making them travel. Saying ''no gifts'' is fine. Not saying that is fine too.

3) As for the sister / MOH thing, what you could do is have joint MOH''s and have your sister''s role be more symbolic. My best friend and sister are co-MOH''ing which works out well because my sis is in college and weddings are not exactly on the top of her mind! But she still gets the symbolic honour, while my best friend is the primary support-person.

But as long as you don''t think your sisters will mind, I don''t think you HAVE to do this.

 

[mimzy]

good thinking addressing these issues now!

#1. great idea about the special account. i know one of the credit/debit card companies out there has a savings program where they round up your charge to the nearest dollar and deposit it into a savings account. that could probably add up! about the egg donation thing, make sure you research it enough. my understanding is that they pump you full of hormones....which might not be what you need while planning a wedding! also try ebaying some old stuff or have a garage sale when it gets warm again, asking your friends/family to donate stuff for you to sell. you could also maybe save some cash by putting all your fives (or tens or twenties)into a jar to save. good luck with this!

#2 great idea about having a separate party to celebrate...but that is going to cost money too! do you have a realistic idea about how much your 150 person wedding is going to cost? is there any way that you can cut that number down even more, making it strictly close family and only your closest friends(maybe under 100) and then invite everyone else to the other one? unless you do potluck (which seems a little crazy for 100+ people), that party is going to cost you close to another thousand dollars probably, which isn''t chump change. and.....you might want to wait a few weeks after the wedding before you host the next party! i''ve heard it is always a huge relief for the bride and groom to have it over with, so you should give yourselves a little breathing room, especially if you are honeymooning right afterwards!

#3 what the others said!

 

[musey]

#1: You've gotten good advice already, so I won't repeat it. However, re: egg donation... beyond the fact that it will mean a biological child floating around, it's not a simple in-and-out procedure. Make sure you understand the potential risks of egg donation before seriously considering it.

Do either of you have special talents or hobbies you could utilize? For example, I picked up photoshop skills during college, just as a hobby. Now I work as a freelance airbrush artist, which (for what it is) is a lucrative side-job where I live (LA). It's just for fun and in my spare time, but I get about $25/hour for it. Another option if you live in/near a large city is registering with a background acting agency. Non-union rates are $60 per 8hr-day, so if you did it for fun on weekends, it could really add up over a year (averaging once per week for a year is over $3000!). You and your boyfriend could even do it together!



#2: 150 just out to first cousins?? Goodness gracious, that's a lot of people!

Anyway, ETA: I misunderstood your question when I first posted. If you're a little uncomfortable with the two-separate-receptions thing, you should come up with a specific reason or cutoff (specifically family ONLY, or one OOT and one not) and stick to it.

For example, we are having our wedding and reception for 85 guests in Malibu, CA (where we live) and separate receptions in each of our hometowns. This "officially" is to allow for OOT guests to choose to come to a more local reception instead of making the trek to LA... but the REAL reason is so that our parents will have something else to invite people to, and not add to our own guest list. About 15 of my family members will also likely choose the post-wedding reception, which will cut down our guest count at the real thing even more (big plus!)

Also, ditto what mimzy said about a second party costing quite a bit, too.

As far as seeming "gift hungry", we discussed this in another thread recently... Don't make any mention at all of gifts. If people want to give, they'll ask about your registry (if you have one).



#3: Again, no rules. Choose who you want and who feels right. Don't let some random outdated tradition dictate who you choose to stand with you on that day.

 

[musey]

Also, as far as your savings... do consider putting your money in an ING Savings Account. You get a 4.30% APR on your money, which is better than any other savings account I'm aware of. It's become a big trend with my friends lately, they're all opening up multiple little savings accounts, each with their own specific purpose.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hold up there Largirl! Are you the lady from LIW whose boyfriend hasn''t mentioned the note you wrote him about how much you want to get married yet?

That sent up a red flag for me.

You might not remember Becky, the gal on here who sent a similar note to her guy, who kept making excuses, then promises whenever she threatened to leave. She''d move with him. He''d say he''s not QUITE ready. Anyway, turned out he was leading a double life, having casual sex with numerous other men, etc.

What made me think of her is that he also didn''t acknowledge that she had written a note and tried to avoid the conversation. We all thought that was weird / supicious at the time. I think that now, too.

If he says the only thing holding him up is money, BUT he won''t mention your note (presumably because it''s too hard for him to confront or talk about?) then I''d proceed with CAUTION.

Before you tell all your friends and start planning, make sure you''re both on the same page, OK?

 

[musey]

THANK YOU, Indygal, I was thinking the same thing.

 

[largirl]

The egg donation thing was just the most outrageous suggestion from a friend, I wasn't seriously considering it. As far as saving $2,500, that's easy. The $5,000 in savings is all his - I don't have any savings. So ideally I'd come up with $5,000 to match his $5,000. That's completely me saying that - I just don't think it's fair to ask him to come up with more than me or to ask him to use all his savings on a ceremony/reception/etc. where I'm the one who will be spending most of the money!

As far as substituting the small reception for the big barbeque, we just couldn't afford it. Adding those people would over our guest list to over 300 people...not to mention trying to find a venue for it where they'd let me bring in my own food/drink. It's a huge family! For the BBQ/casual get together I know that my parents and relatives would all help bring food and stuff so it'd be more like a potluck gathering at my aunt's house than a reception. Which is how we could afford that....but I REALLY don't want to offend anyone! I don't think anyone WOULD actually be offended, though, as I think about it - I think they'd all understand about the limited guest list. But Miss Manners would probably have something to say about it! I'll probably just drop that idea and maybe suggest a family reunion instead.

This is Largirl from the LIW thread. That's why I said, "We'll see where this goes." I haven't talked to him/he hasn't talked to me about the note yet because I just left it for him this morning before he went to work. So I haven't seen or talked to him yet and won't for several more hours. However, we did talk in great detail this past weekend about a wedding and how we would swing it! I was able to pin down his concern to be about going into debt to pay for a wedding. But after I showed him how we could keep finances down and save some money to pay for it, he seemed relieved and much more receptive to the idea. Anyway, it's not like I'm booking a venue, just thinking about it in general terms. And since money is the main concern for him, I want to make sure I have a complete handle on the financial aspect and can give him a good idea of how much it will cost and have ways to come up with that much money.

 

[oobiecoo]

I also think that having one informal reception would be better than having 2 different ones and risk having people felt "left out" Maybe if a BBQ is still too much, you could just do the potluck idea for the whole 300 people.

I''m still planning my wedding right now... its next May. I have to say that I am planning a wedding that I thought was "proper" and that everyone else would want. In reality, I''m kind of bummed that we aren''t doing something much smaller or much more casual because we will probably end up going into a little bit of debt over this wedding. So if you are worried that people will find it odd if you do only one reception that is very casual, think about all the extra money you will be saving for a new home or retirement.

 

[largirl]

I am thinking right now I''ll just drop the second casual party idea. If I invite another 100+ relatives, then that opens the floodgates for additional invitees, and I can see his mom asking, "Well...if the guest list on your side is XX many people, why can''t ours be?" and inviting all her friends. They have a small family but she has a LOT of friends who I know she''d love to invite. And really it wouldn''t be fair for my family to make up 2/3 of the people! At 150 it''s split pretty evently with 50 of my family, 50 of his, and 50 friends. Plus I love the idea of a smaller, more intimate setting where I actually know everyone! And I know my BF would feel SO much more comfortable in that setting than he would with a huge crazy reception. He''s pretty shy and quite so the smaller the better.

I think suggesting a family reunion so we can all get together and celebrate being a family would be ideal. Not wedding related at all!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Indygirl''s suggestion is exactly what we did and I think it''s the best way to determine the budget--break down what you can save per month, then see how much that is over a year. Then use Musey''s suggestion and invest it in a high interest savings account.

Let''s say you can save, say, $300 a month or $3,600 over the next year. You''ve got three choices:

1. Reduce the budget from $10,000 to $8,600 (given that he''s contributing $5,000--I know that''s not quite set in stone)
2. Get a second job that will allow you to save the additional money
3. Ask him to cover the difference between what you can contribute and the $10,000 budget.

I think it''s great to get an overall idea of what you want/what you can afford at this stage, but it''s also kind of tough. He has yet to buy the ring, you still have to think about the honeymoon, what he wants to keep in savings for a house/nest egg, etc. Who knows, if you get engaged he may just want to elope, haha! For now I think a general idea is probably as detailed as you can get.

Good luck with the letter discussion tonight--I think you''ll feel much better if you can get him to go beyond the wedding and talk about marriage!

 

[mimzy]

musey''s idea of a high interest savings account is a great one, i think etrade is actually higher at 4.7% apy.

 

[mimzy]

musey''s idea of a high interest savings account is a great one, i think etrade is actually higher at 4.7% apy.

 

[nytemist]

The family on my father''s side is huge (about 260) but I had to really limit the number of poeple that could come, and boy did everyone want to come! I had the necessary people for family and friends since we kept ours real small. I would suggest taking down the list. Believe it or not, people will understand if they can''t come to a wedding, though it won''t seem like it at first. Remember it''s your wedding, have the people who mean the most to the two of you.

That ties to the budget. We could only afford maximum $7000 and we went over by about $60. You never want to go way into debt to pay for a wedding, to the point of wiping out savings. It''s better to trim out the things that you truly don''t need. Focus on the food and the energy of the people around you and they won''t care that there are no menu cards or things like that. I just speak from my wedding experience- we saved by not using real flowers, no dj (iPod) invitations from Michael''s that we did ourselves, no seating cards, no menu cards, borrowed a cake-cutting set from my friend, found a site that included tables, chairs, linens, china, the list goes on. We cut out so much from your typical wedding expenses and no one msised them. It was a great time.

Last, there is no rule saying your sisters have to be MOH, though I read stories about sisters feeling snubbed by not being asked. Again, it''s your wedding, you choose the people who you are closest to and know they support you. I have two older sisters ans neither were in my wedding. They were fine with it.

 

[Pandora II]

We both have big families, and 120 places max, so the wedding is immediate family, close friends of my parents (they''re paying for most of it) and our closest friends.

As we have so many people we can''t invite, we are throwing a drinks party in London on the following Friday, with some money behind the bar and after that people pay for their own. FI has slightly terrified me by wanting to invite 300 people

. I am hoping that a Friday evening in August will mean lots of people can''t make it, but will have been invited (is that bad of me???)

Although my parents are paying a fair amount, my father has recently retired so I''m keeping the budget tight. We are saving by having a buffet for the entree (with good quality organic meats, fish and assorted salads), I am making the cake, favours and doing most of the stationery, my mother''s friends and I are doing the flowers and decorations, and I am having huge bowls of exotic fruit as centrepieces - which works out much cheaper than flowers.

I am also buying things every month so that the costs are spread out - especially the silly little things that add up massively if you have to buy them all at once - battery operated led fairy lights, led candles (I have a no flames ban at my venue), artificial vines and ivy (I can sell them all on ebay later), huge sterling silver cake knife ($10 on ebay), cake stand, bridesmaids gifts etc etc

Re the MOH.

I have 2 sisters and a brother and FI has 3 brothers. None of them are involved in our wedding - my BM''s are all under 12 and FI has his 5 best friends. There are no fixed rules - our siblings are delighted they don''t have to do anything!

 

[largirl]

Pandora, no one has expressed offense at being invited to the drinks party but not the actual event? How did you word the invites?

 

[Harleigh]

I am doing things much like Pandora...I am buying things a little bit at a time so that it''s not one lump sum I need to pay for all at once. I am purchasing things for the Save the Date boxes, the Out of Town Welcome Bags and for the separate reception when we return home from Hawaii.

I definitely think looking for good deals at discount and dollar stores, as well as on ebay (my personal FAVORITE, of course!) is the way to go.

As for extra money, I tutor 2 days a week and teach an extra class one day a week. I calculate that into what I spend each week and it''s been working itself out quite nicely so that I''m not so far behind.

 

[Julianna]

Date: 10/22/2007 4:32:06 PM
Author: musey
Also, as far as your savings... do consider putting your money in an ING Savings Account. You get a 4.30% APR on your money, which is better than any other savings account I''m aware of. It''s become a big trend with my friends lately, they''re all opening up multiple little savings accounts, each with their own specific purpose.

Just jumping in with a "ditto" on ING savings accounts. I''ve had one for years and I LOVE it. No minimum balance, they''ll pull money from your checking, and if you need some of that money back IN your checking (happens to me a lot

), it only takes two days for them to deposit it there.

APR has been anywhere from 4.2-4.5%. Right now it''s 4.35ish%. Love love love ''em.