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Ran into the EX today...

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Amanda.Rx

Amanda.Rx

Brilliant_Rock
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Jun 20, 2008
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So, I was at the grocery store... and ran into my EX boyfriend!

He was my high school sweetheart and my first- we broke up over 3.5 years ago, but this was probably the first time I''ve really talked to him since we broke up. I gave him a big hug and we chatted for about 5-10 minutes, catching up on life.

I was so flustered afterwards that I forgot like- 1/2 of my grocery list!

By no means do I want to be with him (my current SO is fabulous) ... but I''ve often thought about asking him to go get coffee or something to catch up- I mean- you''re fairly uncommitted to the person you dated in high school, and he was one of my best friends too. I just don''t think SO would approve, and I feel guilty for even thinking about it.

Have any of you ladies ever run into this situation? I kinda wish we could still be friends, but I think that for some reason- it would just be a bad idea.
 
I wouldn''t. Particularly not while your SO is in Germany (no character judgment or anything here; but this is enough to get people nosy people talking). I also think it wouldn''t be as great as you think it might be. Three and a half years is a long time to fall out of touch with someone. It will likely just be awkward. I personally would just stick with the memories. It is a weird thing when you run into old friends, though.
 
My HS boyfriend and I are still friends. Granted, we had a friendship before my SO and I met. Although my SO doesnt like my ex he understands that theres no harm in the friendship AT ALL and says that he trusts me so it doesnt matter if he trusts my ex. Regardless, its not a friendship free of everything from our past in the sense of pet peeves and annoyances. Its not a friendship on the same level as what I have with my best friends either, although I would call my ex one of my good friends because of how he understand me as a person.

It depends on what youre looking for I guess, I cant see myself having friendships with any of my other exes so I guess it goes on a case by case basis. You already said you feel guilty for thinking about it, you were flustered after you ran into eachother, and you ended by saying it''d probably be a bad idea. I think you answered your own question there.
 
People always think I''m nuts for this but I don''t see any problem in remaining friends with exes. I''m in touch with all of mine (except for one - I have no clue where he is).

It''s not like we''re calling each other all the time or anything but it''s nice to catch up once in a while. My most recent ex is now married with children.. and my boyfriend and I were even invited to their wedding. We have also gone on a couple double dates with him and his current wife. Too "out there" for you mind to grasp??? hehe.

seriously though...
These are men who were important in my life, whom I loved dearly, and that still hold a special place in my heart.. but in a different kind of way. I''m not saying all my past relationships were the greatest, (obviously none of them worked out in the end..) but we did the best we could at the time.. and essentially they were all good men.

I don''t see anything wrong with remaining in touch, IF you can handle it. I think this works only because I have NO residual feelings of "what might have been".
 
I'm with Namaste--I'm still friends with pretty much all but one of my exes (he lives overseas and we haven't kept in touch). One of them lives in the same city we do and we see him socially on occasion. It's not a problem for us, but I could see how it could be for some people.

ETA: My mom's ex was one of the only two people at my parents' wedding (and yes, they're still married)--maybe it runs in the family?
2.gif
 
I guess Im on the side of respect your SO''s wishes... My SO thinks that its impossible to remain friends with exes (and I dont), but because I know it would bother him if I spoke to one of my exes, I wouldnt do it... I think its maybe just because all of his previous GFs cheated on him and were mean to him, and he isnt friends with them, he cant see why Id be friends with mine... I guess also because his last GF before me... her ex BF still hung around her house, with her parents and with her... and he said it was always just so awkward....I think guys just think differently than girls...I remember reading a study that said that girls were more willing to forgive a guy for cheating, than a guy was to forgive a girl, and that it was very rare if they did...like maybe 10% could forgive?? (dont quote me on this I dont rememeber the exact statistics it was FOREVER ago!)

anyway i say just leave it alone...really no point in talking to your ex unless u plan on dating them, or someone needs help that ur both close with...
 
I''m with Namaste and ladypirate on this. I don''t feel there''s anything wrong with staying friends with your exes. I''m not terribly close to them though, just occasionally keeping in touch over IM/Facebook. However, if you feel so flustered and guilty after meeting him, mayb you''ll wanna think twice. You might not be ready to just be friends.
 
I don''t think it''s terrible to be friendly with exes as long as the flame has really, truly died. After 3.5 years not seeing each other, I''d say that''s probably the case with you.

Personally, I''m not really friends with any of my exes, because after not speaking for a while and looking at them with a clear mind, they either became or had never been people I could truly respect, nor were they people I had been friends with prior to our relationship. Looking back I wonder what I was thinking dating them, though most of them are genuinely good people who are just very different from the people I surround myself with.

Ultimately, though, if you don''t think your SO would approve, I wouldn''t do it. I feel like it''s more important to respect the wishes of your partner (which obviously you are doing) than it is to reconnect with somebody whose importance in your life has passed.
 
Because **YOU** already are thinking it is a bad idea, I also think it''s a bad idea. Sounds like there might be some unresolved feelings or issues there, which is never good.

And you also need to be 100% upfront about it with your SO. Are you comfortable doing that? If the answer is no, then you shouldn''t go.
 
I wouldn''t - the thing about first loves is you will always be flustered by them, they are your first. I''m fortunate in that I hope to NEVER See my first ex again EVER lol.
 
I''ve never subscriped to the school of remaining friends...I guess I feel like if he''s my ex, there was a good reason behind that.

Sure, I get curious every so often as to what so-and-so is up to...or how so-and-so is doing...but the truth is, when it comes to finding out, I''d rather not.

When I married my husband, I made peace with my past...whats done is done. And these ex''s of mine probably caused me hurt or pain at some point and rehashing old issues does ME no favors. I don''t need to rub in my happiness or hear about their''s for any reason.

I think if your SO would be uncomfortable with you two engaging each other, then you need to respect his wishes--as you''d hope he''d respect yours.
 
Date: 10/14/2008 11:27:23 AM
Author: neatfreak
Because **YOU** already are thinking it is a bad idea, I also think it''s a bad idea. Sounds like there might be some unresolved feelings or issues there, which is never good.

And you also need to be 100% upfront about it with your SO. Are you comfortable doing that? If the answer is no, then you shouldn''t go.
Click to expand...

Ditto.


I would really think about why you are questioning the validity of pursuing this friendship.

 
i agree with italiahaircolor 100%.

if you think your current SO would be upset if you rekindled a friendship with your ex, you should trust that instinct and stay away from him.
 
I run into my ex all the time because unfortunately, he''s one of my FI''s oldest friends and lives near his mother''s (FMIL) neighborhood.

I don''t wish I could be friends with him. Actually, I secretly wish my FI wasn''t still friends with him because he''s an awful person. My FI has learned over the years about this guy and how he really is so they''ve stop hanging out but they do still talk.
 
Good points...

I don''t really see any problem catching up with him.

We dated in high school- the only reason we broke up is because I went to college and he was still in high school- I was ready to "explore my other options" ... we didn''t have a bad breakup- there''s no animosity, and he never treated me badly. I had a great time with him when I dated, but I knew he wasn''t the person I wanted to marry, and I was just ready to have fun at that point in my life.

I don''t wish that I was still with him, but he will always have that "special place in my heart" because he was my first love.

I told my SO that I ran into him- he didn''t seem turned off by it- I told him about everything we talked about, and he seemed cool with it. Honestly, I don''t know how he would react if I "asked him permission" to catch up with him- he trusts me, but I just don''t think he would "LOVE the idea" you know?

Ehhh... whatever... I''m curious to see what''s he''s been up to, but I''ll also live if I never see him ever again. I''m happy in my relationship now, and I''m with the man I want to marry. I guess I''m just curious...

Thanks for the advice- kudos to all of you that kept the friendship- I wish that I had done it a long time ago, because he was a great friend to me. I feel that I''m too far removed and too involved to try and rekindle a friendship now.
 
In my experience ex''s just aren''t worth it. I know that once they are in your life they have a certain place in your heart with memories of back then. It''s fine to say hi, but let 3.5 years ago, be 3.5 years ago and leave it at that.
 
I agree with marie. Yes, it''s nice to reminsce about good times you''ve had, but it''s called the past for a reason. I would leave your chance meeting at that. Focus on your relationship now. If you are having any doubts, I would talk to your boyfriend about it.
 
I''m friends with a few of my ex''s. We don''t hang out on a regular base but I''ll talk to them on the phone once in a while just to catch up on each other''s lives. Also FI is friends with some of his ex''s too. :) No problemos at all, just be open and honest
 
I think that it depends on a few factors. If you had just a casual relationship with your ex, I would say that it''s probably fine to be friends now. However, if you had a serious relationship with him then I probably wouldn''t remain friends with him (even if you did break up 3.5 years ago). My boyfriend is still friends with someone that he briefly dated and I have absolutely no problem with it. If he was still friends with someone that he had a more serious relationship with, I would most likely be dead set against it. For me, I am not friends with any of my ex''s. I think if you are going to pursue a friendship with your ex, out of courtesy you should probably talk to your SO about it first.
 
Date: 10/13/2008 10:41:43 PM
Author: SailorsSweet<3


It depends on what youre looking for I guess, I cant see myself having friendships with any of my other exes so I guess it goes on a case by case basis. You already said you feel guilty for thinking about it, you were flustered after you ran into eachother, and you ended by saying it''d probably be a bad idea. I think you answered your own question there.
Click to expand...

Ditto.

I actually don''t stay in touch with any of my ex''s and would probably RUN the other way if I saw one. haha
 
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