RD Question

[Class n Sass]

So my FI and I had dinner tonight at a restaurant that I thought would be great for our RD. My FMIL told me several months ago to look for a place and let her know what I liked. So the restaurant we tried tonight is within walking distance from the church, has a beautiful view of the NYC skyline and is overall in a really convenient location. I wanted my FMIL to come with us tonight; however, she was sick. After dinner the owner said that he would invite us back in about a month where we could have dinner on him and he would allow us to sample all the exact items that would be on our menu.

My fiance then said that he would want to bring his mom the next time we go. I completely agreed. He then went on with the idea that his mom makes the final decision since she is giving it/paying for it. I immediately told him that I didn''t agree with it. Just because she is hosting it does not mean that the final decision is hers. She is not the hands on type at all and I can''t imagine that she has those feelings about the event. I feel like maybe my FI wanted to give his mom some power in this whole planning process since my mom has been so heavily involved. Although my mom has been involved she has left all the decision making up to us. I have tried to involve my FMIL and have invited her to do things with us but she always has an excuse or something else to do. I''m not bothered by that but I know I have offered. My FMIL is a nice woman but let''s just say she "marches to her own beat." So she''s not into all the planning hoopla. If she wanted to make the decision all on her own she would not have told me to start looking for places. When I said that to my FI his answer was, "well yes she wants your input but the final decision is hers." I was so livid

. My mom was with us tonight at dinner. She saw how upset I was so she just sat quietly and let me handle it.

I said to my FI that that is the same thing as saying "oh my parents are buying us our bedroom set so therefore they make the final decision on what we get." Almost like saying if we love it but they don''t too bad we can''t have it.

I had to vent. Tell me what you think. I want to know if I''m being ridiculous.

 

[basil]

Huh? It sounds like your FMIL is unlikely to disagree with your choice, since she wants you to do what you like anyway. So what''s the big problem if she has "final say" or not?

I can appreciate your fiance''s desire to have his mom be involved in the planning process, honestly. I think it should be a mutual decision and you should find something that all of you like...and neither of you should pick a place that the other finds unacceptable.

But from how you describe her, it sounds like she''d just go along with your choice anyway. So I don''t understand why you are upset?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/1/2007 10:39:17 PM
Author: basil
Huh? It sounds like your FMIL is unlikely to disagree with your choice, since she wants you to do what you like anyway. So what''s the big problem if she has ''final say'' or not?


I can appreciate your fiance''s desire to have his mom be involved in the planning process, honestly. I think it should be a mutual decision and you should find something that all of you like...and neither of you should pick a place that the other finds unacceptable.


But from how you describe her, it sounds like she''d just go along with your choice anyway. So I don''t understand why you are upset?

I agree...if you know she''ll like the place anyway, I would just let this one slide. It''s not like your FI is saying that your mom will totally pick the place. You guys have picked one and as long as it''s affordable for her she''ll probably say yes right?
Too many things to worry yourself about planning the wedding and you''ll go nuts. Just take it in stride and pick your battles!

 

[KimberlyH]

You didn''t mention anything about costs in your post; perhaps in his mind it''s not about whether or not she likes it, it could be all about budget. You''re correct, if your parents were going to purchase a bedroom set for you, you would think they''d want you to help select it, but since they''re footing the bill the price limit would have to be set by them.

And if money is not the deciding factor, maybe he just wants to make sure she feels included. It doesn''t sound like she''s going to say "no" to the place, so I think it would be wise to wait to hold off on reacting until after she gives her input.

Wedding planning when the bride and groom are recieving financial assistance from parents/guardians/grandparents/etc. is typically a collaborative process. It''s just part of the deal of accepting money from others. If you''re totally set on this place as your RD location and your MIL says "no" find out why and see if you guys can compromise (e.g. if it''s too expensive perhaps you and your FI can contribute to the cost).

 

[Class n Sass]

My FI spoke to his mother and she is fine with the price. In fact she was expecting to spend a little more than what it actually will cost. The reason I was so upset was because of the way my FI said it to me. Maybe I am being extra sensitive or emotional these days. But from his tone I got the idea that no matter what I liked his mom was going to make the final decision and that would be it. Almost exlcuding me totally. I want my FMIL to be involved...as I said I have tried to involve her in other aspects of the planning.

I am going to relax because I already spoke to my FI about it this morning and he said he didn''t mean to sound that way.