Reactions to a friend''s engagement

[jenmarie]

I was reading through some older posts about engagement reactions, and it got me thinking. One post in particular that bothered me was allycat0303''s post from about 4 years ago (I know, I''m a little late!!) https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/anyone-get-mean-comments.36380/

In that post were a lot of stories about unfavorable reactions to engagement, or the ladies'' rings, and in general just women (and a few men) being catty. Now, as a LIW, I have my behind-the-scenes jealous moments, but I could never, in my wildest dreams imagine saying hurtful things to someone over their engagement or ring.

The reason this bothers me so much is an old friend of mine got engaged Saturday. I haven''t really talked to her much in the last 5 years, but my gut reaction to her engagement wasn''t anger at my own situation or anything, it was genuine happiness for her. It was kind of strange, actually because I wasn''t shocked or anything (I found out from Facebook). The same thing happened about a year ago, with my former BFF. We ended up reconnecting as a result of her engagement, since I was one of only a few people from high school to congratulate her.

I guess it''s just confusing to me. I don''t understand how anyone could feel good about themselves by saying something negative about someone''s engagement ring TO THEIR FACE. I mean, you ladies know what the waiting is like...could you see yourselves saying anything rude to a friend? I mean, it''s okay to feel jealousy, but I can''t imagine actually saying something catty because of it, you know?

I was just wondering how you guys felt about this...

 

[katomm]

I posted a response to a similar question in the Newlyweds forum. In that past year I''ve lost three very close friends due to finding "the one." It''s unfortunate. Two were a bit from jealousy even though one is actually married but not happy. The other one was the opposite, she got engaged and I voiced some concerns about the guy (nicely of course) and that got me banned from her life.

My mom had told me once FI and I were officially engaged I''d see who my true friends were. In my case it happened before the engagement. I do miss two of my friends but in the end, not having their drama in my life is better for all of us.

 

[tlh]

eh, people suck. It happens... and I''m not going to lie, when people say stuff, it is hurtful, even when you don''t even like the person. But you''ll find weddings and the wedding planning - will really shine some light on who your true friends are.

They don''t call it the little green monster for nothing...

 

[jenmarie]

katomm, I''m sorry that this happened to you. You are so right about being drama-free though. Life is too short for unnecessary drama! Congrats on your engagement and your upcoming nuptials, you must be really excited! I hope you aren''t letting any negative people take away from your engagement happiness!

It''s sad that the time of your life that''s supposed to be the happiest has to be marred by losing friends or "friends" because of jealousy. I mean, it''s good to know who your true friends are, but it''s sad that that''s how you had to find out!

I think I cleared those kind of people out of my life earlier this year, so I hope that the people in my life will be happy for me and my BF when we get engaged!

 

[SparklyRing]

Wow, some of the stories from that thread made my blood boil.

It''s unfortunate that there will always be rude, catty, inconsiderate people out there. I honestly don''t understand these people, especially those who are supposedly "friends."

One of my friends from high school got engaged about a month ago. We were very close in high school, but drifted apart in college. I haven''t talked to her in 2 years, yet, as soon as I saw her engagement on Facebook, I was overwhelmed with joy for her. I called her to congratulate her and can''t wait for winter break (I''m in grad school) so that we can get together and catch up.

I think that her ring will be modest, since she and her fiancé are not in the best financial situation, but I will still compliment her on it and congratulate her on her engagement. I''m one of those people who firmly believe that, if you don''t have anything nice to say, don''t say anything at all. For example, a guy that I knew in high school bought his fiancé''s ring at Walmart. It was 1/4 carat and had no sparkle at all, but I wasn''t going to tell him that when I get engaged, my ring will be much bigger. I told him that it would look great on her, which it does.

I''ve known people who got engaged without any rings at all. A girl in my grad program just got engaged to a man who was unable to afford a ring. Everyone was really nice and congratulated her on the engagement, and, to my knowledge, there wasn''t anyone stupid or mean-spirited enough to make a ring comment.

I''m actually a little nervous about the reactions that I''ll get to my future ring. All of my friends from high school live modestly and have boyfriends who do not make much money. Most of the women in my grad program got engaged right out of college or during grad school, so virtually none of them have big rings, except for two whose husbands are engineers.

My BF isn''t a millionaire and my diamond won''t be big by PS standards, but it will be from .8 to 1 carat, which will look huge on my size 2.5 fingers. I am actually afraid of showing my future ring to people because I don''t want them to feel bad or to make catty comments.

 

[blueberrydot]

Ugh....I had an unpleasant experience with a good friend of mine a few months ago - it wasn't technically a reaction to an engagement (since I'm not engaged yet!) but is related. We were at the mall and passed Cartier and got to talking about engagement rings, and she asked me how much I thought my boyfriend would going to spend on one. First, let me say that I didn't find the question offensive, because she and I both come from Asian families where money/finances are discussed freely and there's no real stigma to talk about that kind of thing. Anyway, I told her that my boyfriend had mentioned before that he wouldn't feel comfortable spending more than $XXXXX on a diamond. Her response? "Really? That's not very much."

I didn't say anything because I was too shocked, and also because I realized that it wasn't worth it to make it an issue. She's good hearted, but quite shallow and materialistic (e.g. when her boyfriend told her he wouldn't buy her a Chanel purse for Christmas because it was too expensive, he offered to buy her an LV or Gucci or something else - a man who has already bought her several LV and Gucci purses, btw. She told him that anything other than a Chanel wouldn't make her happy, so he shouldn't bother getting her anything if it's not Chanel

. He didn't end up getting her a Chanel, so good for him for not falling for that crap!).

I think jealousy on her part was likely at the root of it. She has been dating her boyfriend for four years, and she desperately wants to get married and he is nowhere close to being ready (she is 28, he's 30). Last year she broached the subject by asking him if he thought that maybe in 5 years time they could get married, and he said "5 years? That's just around the corner..." and in general he avoids the topic of marriage at all costs. My boyfriend and I have only been together for less than 2 years, but he has always talked about getting married, is really excited about it, has bought an engagement ring and he would have proposed a long time ago if I hadn't wanted to wait. In contrast, her boyfriend didn't even want her to move to the same COUNTY as his (they live 2 hours apart), because he felt that was just "too close." This was after they had been dating for 2 years! He's also said and done plenty of things that have made me think that he doesn't see himself being with her in the future. So maybe if I were in her situation I would feel a little bitter and might make some snarky comments too.

To her credit, however, when I told her a week or so ago that my boyfriend had bought a ring and the proposal would be any day now, her reaction was genuinely happy and she seemed really excited for me. She made some comments about she hopes her own boyfriend will be ready for marriage soon, but other than that she didn't say one negative thing about my upcoming engagement. I think sometimes when people say mean spirited things about your engagement/ring/etc, it's probably masking their own insecurities and disappointments. These people are probably more to be pitied than be angry at, in my experience. Although sometimes I feel tempted to ask my boyfriend for a Chanel purse just to get back at her for that rude comment

 

[katomm]

LOL! I had to laugh about the Chanel purse thing, that''s totally something I would do. The one girl that''s causing me grief at work gets a nice eyeful of my e-ring every time I walk by her desk and secretly I''m glad

 

[princesss]

I can''t imagine ever saying anything negative about somebody''s engagement or engagement ring when they''re announcing it. Engagements are a happy thing, and they should be celebrated! I don''t know what I''d do if I got nasty comments about my engagement/ring. I probably couldn''t help but show how much it hurt, though.

I''m pretty easy to read.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/18/2009 9:22:46 AM
Author: princesss
I can''t imagine ever saying anything negative about somebody''s engagement or engagement ring when they''re announcing it. Engagements are a happy thing, and they should be celebrated! I don''t know what I''d do if I got nasty comments about my engagement/ring. I probably couldn''t help but show how much it hurt, though.

I''m pretty easy to read.

I''m with you, princesss! I''m not very good at hiding my feelings...especially when they''re *hurt* feelings.

A big

goes out to all those snarky girls who have insulted any and all of the lovely ladies here on PS!

 

[Gleam]

Funny I ran across this thread. I JUST posted this in the Brides forum in this thread:

Not exactly a wedding-related comment, but literally the day after I got engaged, I had brunch with a good friend and like the second thing out of her mouth was, "Did he have to finance the ring?"

I will go ahead and blame such a tacky question on the fact that she''s feeling down since I and her other best friend got engaged on the same day.

I really, really regret having brunch with her the day after I got engaged. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think it has had a long-term effect on bumming me out. She was so anti-excited and just such a downer about the whole thing. I know it''s because there''s some sour grapes going on since she''s not engaged and one new friend of ours gets engaged every week... we''re just at that age and she''s feeling really alone. She basically spent the whole brunch criticizing our other friends'' rings and wedding plans.

Now I don''t talk to her about anything related even remotely to getting married as it obviously brings out the worst in her.

OH -- the FIRST thing out of her mouth after seeing my ring was, "How does it feel to have what could be a car on your finger?" And she didn''t say it in a nice way.