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Realizing I have to wait

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Iolanthe

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 24, 2008
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Hello all!
It is really great to know there are other ladies waiting like me. You know, it''s really really hard.
I have been with my bf for two years. I am 25 and he is 33. We are both estate agents, and we really clicked early on. I even learned how to speak the italian dialect he and his family speak. I really really love him. Anyway, last year I moved in in January. But once I moved in, he wouldn''t let me unpack everything. He said he needed me to move out again so he could have some space and we shouldn''t move in until we''re married. So, six months later - i moved out. This was really hard. But I moved back into my own house, and in the past year bought my third house (this one I really love and has land - i''m going to renovate!) When I moved out he promised me we would be engaged by December. So I waited, but ladies, I could see nothing was happening. I kept niggling and asking when is it happening, you promised me and still haven''t done anything. It was horrible just sitting there watching him not follow through on his promise. And then he said by Feb 1st this year he will propose (he swore on his mother''s grave). All through the summer holidays I have waited on tenterhooks. He was even buying me bridal magazines in December. And we have had a massive ultimatum. We were booked to go on a couple''s weekend tomorrow with my best friend and her husband. I told him if he didn''t propose today it was all over and I broke up with him. But I love him with all my heart. i just don''t understand why he wouldn''t do what he said he would. I have decided I need to wait for him. He loves me, and I want to be with him forever. I am really upset and in grief. I understand that I just have to wait. What advice do you have for me ladies?
 
I am not sure you ''just have to wait.'' Sometimes, if someone gets too comfortable with the way things are, they don''t feel motivated to move to the next step. If you are unhappy (and it seems you are), even if you love him with all your heart, I think you should break up with him if he doesn''t propose by the first of February like he swore he would. He obviously isn''t ready if he can''t do it, and if it''s important to you (and him breaking promises repeatedly would be quite important to me), then stand up for yourself and show him through your actions how important this is. But you still have a week left, so maybe it will happen! But if not, I think you should be ready to break things off.

Just my two cents, feel free to take them or leave them. Either way, I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy.
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He broke a promise and in that sense he broke a piece of your heart. Thats not ok. You need to tell him that it is not ok. You need to sit and write a long email explaining your feelings and how you were devestated when he didnt follow through. Although...he did have until Feb 1st. Its still January. You should have at least waited until Feb. 2, and if he didn''t follow through by then, then I would have broken up with him. However, I will say that he could have been planning something on this couples trip and you did not know about it? You deserve to be happy. You are a smart successful person and now you just need him to make the move.

You need to get motiviated doing something else....like renivating that house you bought! Focus on that for a bit and give him time to realize what he really is missing.. NewEnglandLady has a great story about a similar situation with her and her Hubby.

Good Luck!
 
Hang on a sec, I''m confused. Are you saying you did already break up with him, and that you''re destined to wait around for him? At one point it sounded like that, but I didn''t understand why you''d be waiting around for him in a resigned fashion if you had broken up with him, so I figured I''d misunderstood. But maybe not?
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He sent a very unclear message having you move in and then move out 6 months later. I just don't get that at all!
But, you've been sending him an unclear message, too. He promised an engagement by the end of the year.
When he didn't follow through there was no immediate 'That's It' buddy you blew it. Upon talking about it you allowed him a second chance for Feb 1st. By allowing it you are saying it's okay that you screwed up your initial promise and that's okay, you have a second chance. But then you changed the rules on him altogether and made it for this vacation. That was in no way a promise or a previously suggested timeline, was it?

Guys rarely propose just to keep the girl. I think the majority would rather let her go but then be lost without her and get her back than to propose because she (or anybody) told him to.

My advice is to stick to your guns on this breakup so that he knows how much he hurt you by not proposing LAST DECEMBER. All these other bargaining tools are just a product of you being upset and confused. It sounds like what you're really hurt over is his broken promise. Take some time away after he knows how and why he hurt you. See if that doesn't make him do what it takes to get you back. It will be so much more powerful for him to propose because he realizes he wants you in his life for his wife than to do it just because you have made an ultimatum.
 
He is 33 years old - to me that is an adult... therefore, your conversations should be adult-like... and with his pattering around telling you I will propose on this date, then that date - you might as well just move on. When he moved you in and told you not to unpack your stuff which led to you moving out 6 months later that was your clue to keep on going.
 
Date: 1/25/2008 12:58:55 PM
Author: Patchee
He is 33 years old - to me that is an adult... therefore, your conversations should be adult-like... and with his pattering around telling you I will propose on this date, then that date - you might as well just move on. When he moved you in and told you not to unpack your stuff which led to you moving out 6 months later that was your clue to keep on going.
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Ditto to this! When a man is ready to get married, there is nothing that will stop him from asking. From your post, he seems to be indecisive, and not particularly responsible for the consequences of his actions. Come on, asking you to move in and then telling you you can't unpack, and then telling you to move out?!?! Run as fast as you can! I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can absolutely see this guy skipping out on your wedding, or announcing on the day of that he doesn't want to get married.

You've broken up with him, and I say good ridance! Concentrate on your new property and do things that make YOU happy. Don't wait around for him to make a decision about your future.

If he grows up at some point, and is able to show you that he is a responsible adult who can handle a family, can be forthcoming about his feelings and plans with his partner, and can stick to his word, perhaps the relationship can be rekindled. But until this happens, I wouldn't waste my time.

Good luck to you!
 
Come on, asking you to move in and then telling you you can''t unpack, and then telling you to move out?!?! Run as fast as you can! I don''t mean to sound harsh, but I can absolutely see this guy skipping out on your wedding, or announcing on the day of that he doesn''t want to get married.
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Ditto to this. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn''t. From his behaviour it doesn''t seem he`s 100% commited.
 
I think that if an ultimatum was issued,regardless of who issued it, you have to follow through. I''m confused about the ultimatum itself (you say he has to do it this weekend, he said by Feb. 1st), but the fact that it''s late Jan. and nothing has happened is a big enough sign to me that it''s time to go.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you''re not emotionally ready to deliver on the ultimatum, so maybe another discussion with him (not an argument) is in order. The bottom line is that if you stay despite the ultimatum, he will realize you are not sticking to your guns. You need to stick to your guns because that is the best thing to do for YOURSELF.
 
Iolanthe, I know how hard it is to wait. Having patience is the hardest part especially when you know your love your BF and want to spend the rest of your life with him. Furthermore, you just don''t understand why he just won''t do it when he also has expressed that he loves you a lot. I have been through that and get so confused. Well...your post said you guys broke up, but if you didn''t why not just wait until Feb 1st? It is less than a week away. See what happens. Then make your decision whether to leave or not. Sometimes, it takes a little rattling and you leaving to get the guy to realize what life without you is like and they will come back to you (this has never happened to me, but just want a lot of friends say. haha). My advice is just wait. Also, I think you wanted him to propose today because you want to celebrate and gloat while you are on your couple''s retreat. You guys are going on a trip with another married couple and in your mind, you want to go as an engaged couple if not a married couple, but you don''t want to go as just bf/gf.

BTW, congratulations on the purchase of your 3rd home. At 25 with 3 homes? That is quite an accomplishment. If you don''t mind me asking, where are you located that you are able to purchase 3 homes at the age of 25? With that said, you are still young and with your qualities and financial accomplishments, I am sure that you will find someone else who is more ready and eager to commit.
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Good luck and if not all is lost, stay patient for just a week longer. Or if you can last...until after Valentine''s Day, which is just 3 weeks away. If you break it off before V-Day, you''ll feel really miserable when V-Day comes around.
 
Date: 1/25/2008 3:11:22 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I think that if an ultimatum was issued,regardless of who issued it, you have to follow through. I''m confused about the ultimatum itself (you say he has to do it this weekend, he said by Feb. 1st), but the fact that it''s late Jan. and nothing has happened is a big enough sign to me that it''s time to go.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you''re not emotionally ready to deliver on the ultimatum, so maybe another discussion with him (not an argument) is in order. The bottom line is that if you stay despite the ultimatum, he will realize you are not sticking to your guns. You need to stick to your guns because that is the best thing to do for YOURSELF.
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I agree with NEL - sticking to your ultimatum is the best thing you can do for yourself to respect yourself and what you want/need from a relaionship. I would suggest having another discussion and going from there. If it looks like he is going to keep postponing things, he is not being fair to what you''ve been clear about with him before - that you want marriage with him. Good luck to you with the chat and staying strong, if you do have to walk.
 
Thankyou everyone... i am so happy that people have read and replied to my query.

I understand following through on the ultimatum... I have just been so frustrated and have been niggling hardcore. He says he just wants a bit more time.... but obviously you can understand my reticence as the past promises haven''t been delivered. He says he wants to surprise me and do it when he''s ready. This is a valid enough argument in some ways.

I feel so heartbroken that he didn''t take me seriously. But at the same time men have dreams too as well and maybe he wants to do it his way.

I love him with all my heart, and at some point in the near future if he doesn''t pick up his socks i will clearly have to be off, i am too sensitive and it is too stressful for me.

I have promised myself I won''t mention it again and just vent here. Maybe that will work.

I did want to go on that couple''s weekend as everyone knows he promised me by a date - and i feel ashamed that everyone knows my partner didn''t do what he said. The flip side of it is that I have been being a tot b-tch and that is ALL i have been talking about pretty much. I am really confused and feel sad.
 
I have to be honest, it sounds like you''re talking yourself into staying. Saying "well, I have been a b_tch" or "maybe he just wants to do it his way" are both big indicators that you''re trying to justify his lack of action.

Don''t leave if you''re not ready, I can guarantee you''ll get dragged back into the relationship if you''re not really ready to move on. On the flip side, don''t issue ultimatums you can''t keep. If you''re at the point where you feel the need to issue one, then it''s time to just walk out with respect and dignity.

You''re only 25 and have only been dating for two years, so my own personal feelings are that marriage shouldn''t be so pressing right now, but we''re all different. It''s obvious that you are not happy right now and that is what is most important.

So if Feb. 1st goes by without any proposal, sit him down and talk with him about why he couldn''t follow through. What is he afraid of, etc. and if you really feel that he is on board with marriage and just needs more time, then both of you need to make a commitment to that. You need to commit to not harping on it and he needs to commit to following through. If neither of you can do that--because he is too afraid or you are too resentful--then it''s high time to go.
 
Sorry but neither of you sounds like you''re mature enough to be engaged or married.
 
Date: 1/25/2008 4:09:52 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I have to be honest, it sounds like you''re talking yourself into staying. Saying ''well, I have been a b_tch'' or ''maybe he just wants to do it his way'' are both big indicators that you''re trying to justify his lack of action.


Don''t leave if you''re not ready, I can guarantee you''ll get dragged back into the relationship if you''re not really ready to move on. On the flip side, don''t issue ultimatums you can''t keep. If you''re at the point where you feel the need to issue one, then it''s time to just walk out with respect and dignity.


You''re only 25 and have only been dating for two years, so my own personal feelings are that marriage shouldn''t be so pressing right now, but we''re all different. It''s obvious that you are not happy right now and that is what is most important.


So if Feb. 1st goes by without any proposal, sit him down and talk with him about why he couldn''t follow through. What is he afraid of, etc. and if you really feel that he is on board with marriage and just needs more time, then both of you need to make a commitment to that. You need to commit to not harping on it and he needs to commit to following through. If neither of you can do that--because he is too afraid or you are too resentful--then it''s high time to go.
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Totally agree with NEL. To be honest though, I would be extremely worried that at the age of 33, he asked you to move in and then didn''t let you unpack all your stuff so you could move out again-that would have been a major red flag to me. If you''re giving ultimatums, you really need to follow them through as all he''s learnt is that you''re not going to follow through on your word. Definitely sit down and talk to him and get him to tell you his honest feelings on the whole engagement thing and see where he stands, and then you can decide what you want to do.
 
Hmmmm.... of course we don''t have all the facts, but Iolanthe, this does not sound to me like a man who is ready to settle down. It''s not like he''s 23 and not sure he''s ready for marriage yet. Either he''s not sure that you''re a great match (which hurts, I know) or he''s not ready for a commitment.

I don''t think telling yourself you''ve behaved badly should be a reason to stick around, it should be a reason to move on. you should be with someone who brings out your very BEST not your worst. Know what I mean?

So honey, I hate to say it, but I think you need to look ahead and move on. It will be very difficult for a while, but time will help and things will eventually get easier, and someday you''ll meet a man whom wild horses couldn''t keep from proposing.
 
You could always try to secretly get pregnant. JUST KIDDING!
 
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