REALLY nervous

[zoebartlett]

I was browsing theknot a while ago, which isn''t something I do frequently, but I wanted to check it out. As I was reading bios and getting ideas for my own wedding, I suddenly felt nervous and sick. I''ve felt this way a lot lately and I''m not sure why. Sometimes it happens when I''m thinking about the wedding and it always freaks me out. Every single time I feel this way, I also have this image of me in my wedding dress, waiting to walk down the aisle (or once I''m at the end, with my FI), and feeling sick. I always picture me having to excuse myself. I''ve said before that I worry about everything, but why would I worry 11 months in advance about getting sick on my wedding day? I have a weak stomach and it doesn''t take much to make me sick, but this is ridiculous. I''m assuming it has to do with planning, etc. and not a medical issue, otherwise I''d post this elsewhere. What do you think about all this?

 

[xapora]

I worry about everything too, and I get the same nervous feeling when thinking about my wedding. For me, I think it''s when I get a rush of all the feelings that come along with getting married and planning a wedding - love, excitement, stress, hoping everything will turn out right, having all eyes on me, and thinking about all the things I have to remember - and it kind of turns into anxiety. I''m sure it''s nothing medical at all. I would say it''s normal to have some nervousness about what will probably be the biggest day of your life.

 

[Independent Gal]

Sorry to hear that, Zoe!

I wonder if it might be a manifestation of the stuff I was reading about in that book ''Emotionally Engaged'' I mentioned on here. About how brides (and their families) have to work through all kinds of ''rite of passage'' stuff while they''re getting ready to be married... adjusting to lots of big changes in their identity, primary loyalties, indepdence, changes in relationships, etc. and that sometimes the anxieties surrounding these changes manifest in weird ways... like obsessing about not liking your e-ring, or obsessing about something abuot the wedding...

ANyway, I don''t really know of course, but I suspect that in general in life, when we start to focus on a particular thing that doesn''t seem focus-worthy, it''s about something else.

Maybe get that book? It was on amazon 2nd hand for about $2 of something. And it REALLY helped me.

I mean, if it sounds like it could be that.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks Xapora and Indy! I''ll have to check out the book you recommended. I hate change and I''m known to have panic attacks at completely random times. I hope that''s all it was. What if it''s more than that?

 

[door knob solitaire]

Do you have a favorite vacation spot? And a picture of it? Or a picture of someone you love dearly? Or maybe some fragrance that is uplifting and your adore? A certain candy or gum that transports you back in time?

If you have anything like the afore mentioned, I want you to try this exercise...next time you feel this fear come up ...take out that picture, or that fragrance and picture yourself there or allow the scent to take you to a happy place. You can get control of this. You just have to realign your thoughts with a positive happy one.

Pictures, scents and flavors can do that.

I am sorry this happy time is riddled with anguish for you. My heart goes out to you. You can turn this thing around. You really can.

DKS

Can you picture everyone invited in their underwear? That seems to help with alot of things!!

 

[Mandarine]

DKS, great recommendations!!!

Zoe, I think maybe you should just take a little break from planning. I''ve taken everything slow so I haven''t had that feeling...but I''m just so busy with other things that I think that helps.

Sorry you''re feeling this way!. Just take a break, do something fun and try to relax a little, you''ll be fine!

M~

 

[Selkie]

Hey Zoe, I was the same way. Not to the point of feeling physically sick, but I definitely had the nervousness and anxiety issue throughout my engagement. In fact, it was bad enough that I started to go to a psychologist about a year ago. I''ve had a few panic attacks in the past, always having something to do with relationships and the idea of marriage, so this wasn''t unprecedented for me. Anxiety can certainly be a medical issue, in that we''ve involuntarily trained our bodies to release more adrenaline in situations that don''t really require it, and we can''t turn it off. So don''t discount that possibility entirely.

What I needed to do was find outside help to work through the source of my anxieties, and to assure me that it WAS NOT because my relationship was bad, or because I didn''t love my fiance. I can almost guess, but I won''t assume, that''s what you are afraid is the cause of your nervousness. In my case, what helped me will seem counterintuitive to everything we are told about love and marriage. Sometimes, you can''t just go by what you are feeling at the moment. Everything is not always perfect when you are engaged. It is NOT an easy process, and it is not one that we can sustain giddiness throughout. Things can go wrong. But when I examined the relationship logically, and figured out why I was getting married to him, and knew (even though I didn''t always feel) that I loved him for who he is, I knew I wanted to do it.

The nervousness never really went away, but often accomplishing a step in the planning helped it abate for a bit. There''s a ton of pressure we put on ourselves to make everything perfect. What I discovered, on the day of my wedding, was that even though things went a little crazy and we had to change plans at the last minute, that I WAS NOT nervous at all about anything! It was great, and a big relief. Even though I''d done the same as you and pictured getting so nervous that I froze, it didn''t happen. I was really there in the moment, and it was awesome.

I''ll second the recommendation of Emotionally Engaged, and another called the Conscious Bride. Both were very helpful.

Selkie

 

[sumbride]

The knot makes me nauseous too, but for a whole different reason.

You have some good advice here. I read "The Conscious Bride" which is similar to "Emotionally Engaged"... there is a lot of emotional stuff going on engagement that surprises you... and it may have something to do with the feelings you are having.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/10/2007 9:09:13 PM
Author: sumbride
The knot makes me nauseous too, but for a whole different reason.

Yeah, that''s why I don''t visit the site too often. I do like the planner though; I like being able to cross things off.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies! DKS, one of my favorite places is Ireland and I love admiring the pics of the Azores online -- that''s where we''re going for our honeymoon (the island of Sao Miguel, specifically). I could try to focus on those places when I feel overwhelmed, anxious, etc. Thanks for the tip!

Mandarine, I''m actually going to take a little break from planning shortly. We''re working on finalizing our save the dates, which I hope to post soon -- I want to get permission from the designer first. Now that we have most of the big things done (venue, hotel reserved, dress, photographer and DJ booked), I''ll slow down for a while. School''s starting soon, so that will give me something else to focus on. I think I''ve had too much time on my hands lately.

Selkie, please don''t tell me you took a break from your honeymoon to counsel me.

I really appreciate your thoughts and I am kind of afraid of the cause of the anxiety. I''ll figure it out though. Anxiety is not something new for me, and I''ve actually been taking something for it, and I just began talking to someone about a few things.

Thanks again for the tips and suggestions!

 

[Jas12]

I mentioned it before but I think a great deal of women deal with anxiety/worry/perfectionism on a daily basis--even if they won''t admit to it

combined with a quest to make sure everything is ''just right'', a mind that is already prone to anxiety responses, work and family demands, a balance of opinions and a change in one''s adult identity...it is no wonder wedding planning can often bring the worst.

I second the advice to stay away from theknot or wedding mags--When I bought them I felt excitment and dread at the same time--it was like i was knowingly spending $6 on a glossy that would evoke second-guessing, unattainable ideals and self-criticism...not good.

Some aside advice...try to accept your anxiety and fears--when they arise and you get mad at yourself for feeling that way or fear it when it occurs the anxiety only gets worse, instead try to tell yourself ''this is normal, it will pass and i am certainly not the only one feeling this way''

Hope that helps a bit

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks Jas! (An aside, I love all of the photos you''ve posted -- gorgeous!)

Your advice does help!! It''s funny, at first, a long time ago, when I was in a full-blown panic attack and bawling, my FI used to tell me not to worry and he''d give me a great big hug. it was as if the hug was supposed to make it all go away. It was a very sweet gesture but not all that helpful. Now, he lets me go through all the weird emotions without trying to stop me from crying. Now he tells me to let it out and not to hold back.

What I described in my original post wasn''t a bad panic attack or anything, but more of just a general sick feeling. I guess I could be worried on some level that it could eventually get to that point though. I will definitely try out the suggestions yu''ve all made and I''m planning on trying to find those two books tomorrow.

I know a lot of my general worry is about my dress not fitting next year or my mom giving me one of her half smiles she does sometimes. She told me recently that she''s sad for me. I mean, she''s happy I''m engaged and all that, but she was referring to my weight. If you don''t know, I''m petite but also plus size. I think about it constantly but for whatever reason, I haven''t ben motivated to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I know I do a lot of very good-for-you things but I need to be doing A LOT more. *sigh*

Okay, this has begun to take on a totally different tone than what I meant. It does feel good to "talk" here though.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 8/10/2007 10:46:29 PM
Author: zoebartlett

I know a lot of my general worry is about my dress not fitting next year or my mom giving me one of her half smiles she does sometimes. She told me recently that she''s sad for me. I mean, she''s happy I''m engaged and all that, but she was referring to my weight. If you don''t know, I''m petite but also plus size. I think about it constantly but for whatever reason, I haven''t ben motivated to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I know I do a lot of very good-for-you things but I need to be doing A LOT more. *sigh*

Hey Zoe - I completely understand. I haven''t talked much about it here, but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I''ve been engaged over a year and really should have come farther than I have, but I haven''t, so I''m trying to get over it. I had all intentions to lose weight between engagement and the wedding. Guess what? I GAINED some. Between the parties and my bout of pneumonia treated with steroids, I gained 20 pounds AFTER I bought my dress. So when I had my fitting last month... well, it didn''t quite fit. So here I am, less than 2 months out, on a very strict (yet sensible) diet because of the look on my mom''s face and my own dissapointment in myself. It''s working, and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the fitting, but still need to lose a bit more before the wedding. And you know what? My willpower is seriously kicked up because I had the "come to Jesus moment" when I put on my dress and looked at the calendar. Of course I will never be as thin as my mom would like on my wedding day, but it''s MY wedding day, not hers. I did finally tell her "This is who I am so I don''t want any comments about it" and she has mostly complied. Not perfect, but mostly.

The thing is, the more pressure people put on you (including yourself) to lose weight, the less likely you will feel comfortable... especially since everything else is changing. So come up with a backup plan if you need to, but if you can, keep putting your dress on and remind yourself what you''re working toward. Mine was in Texas, so I couldn''t, but now that I have the picture in my head... well, it''s a lot easier to pass up the beer and cake people keep offering me.

Your feelings are very valid, but you do still have time to come up with a plan to handle it. and definitely start reading! Part of planning your wedding is picturing it as YOUR wedding, not the "typical skinny bride of 22" wedding that society shows us all the time. You will be beautiful! You will!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/11/2007 9:22:21 AM
Author: sumbride

Date: 8/10/2007 10:46:29 PM
Author: zoebartlett

I know a lot of my general worry is about my dress not fitting next year or my mom giving me one of her half smiles she does sometimes. She told me recently that she''s sad for me. I mean, she''s happy I''m engaged and all that, but she was referring to my weight. If you don''t know, I''m petite but also plus size. I think about it constantly but for whatever reason, I haven''t ben motivated to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I know I do a lot of very good-for-you things but I need to be doing A LOT more. *sigh*

Hey Zoe - I completely understand. I haven''t talked much about it here, but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I''ve been engaged over a year and really should have come farther than I have, but I haven''t, so I''m trying to get over it. I had all intentions to lose weight between engagement and the wedding. Guess what? I GAINED some. Between the parties and my bout of pneumonia treated with steroids, I gained 20 pounds AFTER I bought my dress. So when I had my fitting last month... well, it didn''t quite fit. So here I am, less than 2 months out, on a very strict (yet sensible) diet because of the look on my mom''s face and my own dissapointment in myself. It''s working, and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the fitting, but still need to lose a bit more before the wedding. And you know what? My willpower is seriously kicked up because I had the ''come to Jesus moment'' when I put on my dress and looked at the calendar. Of course I will never be as thin as my mom would like on my wedding day, but it''s MY wedding day, not hers. I did finally tell her ''This is who I am so I don''t want any comments about it'' and she has mostly complied. Not perfect, but mostly.

The thing is, the more pressure people put on you (including yourself) to lose weight, the less likely you will feel comfortable... especially since everything else is changing. So come up with a backup plan if you need to, but if you can, keep putting your dress on and remind yourself what you''re working toward. Mine was in Texas, so I couldn''t, but now that I have the picture in my head... well, it''s a lot easier to pass up the beer and cake people keep offering me.

Your feelings are very valid, but you do still have time to come up with a plan to handle it. and definitely start reading! Part of planning your wedding is picturing it as YOUR wedding, not the ''typical skinny bride of 22'' wedding that society shows us all the time. You will be beautiful! You will!

Thanks for your encouragement! I''ve ordered my dress but won''t be ready for quite a while. As soon as I can though, I''ll try it on and pray that it fits properly. I''m worried that it won''t pass the "sit test." They measured me but I still have nightmares that it will be too snug (I like a little ''roomieness'' in my clothes). This could all be my imagination though and I realize that.

How have you lost weight, if you don''t mind me asking? I know it''s by eating senibly and all that, but how, exactly?

I have to say, I do feel better now. I"m sure there will be days when I''ll be frustrated with planning, but I have to say, it really hasn''t been TOO stressful. For the most part, it''s been fun.

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve always found the best way to loose weight is to completely cut out eating between meals and reduce portions.

It''s horrible at first but after about 3 days your stomach reduces and it''s easy!

 

[robbie3982]

I just wanted to jump in and say that sparkpeople.com is amazing for when you''re trying to lose weight. You put in how often you exercise, your current weight and your goal weight and when you want to weigh that by and then it gives you a calorie range that you need to stay between. It gives you a range for fat, carbs and protein and if you want to track something else like salt (I''ve found that salt really effects me) you can add it too.

You input every time you work out and everything you put in your mouth and it tracks it for you. Some foods are already in the system and you just have to find them. Others you have to enter yourself using the nutritional info on the package.

There are message boards you can post on for emotional support and there are even teams you can join.

You earn points for everything you do and there''s a wheel you can spin after logging in for the day to get daily login points. When you get to different point levels you get different badges. I think the points help to make it a lot of fun.

 

[Independent Gal]

Another HUGE sparkpeople fan here. When I put on a few pounds (which seems to be happening a lot lately), sparkpeople is the main thing that helps. It keeps you from ''pretending'' you didn''t have that extra cookie, and seeing all those exercise minutes add up makes you feel good! But my fave thing about it is that you can track nutrients too to make sure you''re still eating well.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 8/10/2007 9:37:15 PM
Author: zoebartlett

Selkie, please don''t tell me you took a break from your honeymoon to counsel me.

I really appreciate your thoughts and I am kind of afraid of the cause of the anxiety. I''ll figure it out though. Anxiety is not something new for me, and I''ve actually been taking something for it, and I just began talking to someone about a few things.

Thanks again for the tips and suggestions!

God, no-I''ve been back for a week already! Sorry I got a bit...Dr. Phil...there. I think I was feeling a little confessional because of the glass of wine I''d just downed, after my frustrating commute home. Anyhow, I''m glad you''re approaching the anxiety issue from a couple angles. Just wanted to let you know that you weren''t the only one!

On the fitness front, I had a lot of frustration too because even though I had like 18 months to lose weight and get in better shape it wasn''t happening as quickly as I had hoped. I joined a gym, and used sites like Sparkpeople, but I''m not so great at self-motivation. What I ended up doing was getting a personal trainer for 10 sessions (2-3 times a week) through my gym, and I found it helped me a lot to have a set time to work out, and someone to be responsible to. I like working out but never push myself enough, and I got results a lot quicker with her. Might be something to consider if you can swing it, although I''m sure NH doesn''t have quite the density of gyms and personal trainers as SoCal.

 

[Independent Gal]

Zoe, another thing that can help is finding a ''fitness buddy'' and making a fun bet. Like, each month whoever has lost the most weight (or burned the most calories at the gym or whatever you choose) gets some kind of prize at the end of the month... a healthy dinner out? or a cd or book? that the other person has to buy. The spirit of competition can make it kind of fun if you have the right buddy.

I think the idea is to find a way to make it fun, and find a way to make yourself vigilant, whether that''s a trainer, a buddy, or a website that tracks your calorie input and output.

Zoe, I''ve never seen you and I only know you from your posts on here, but from that I know you are such a lovely woman! I hope you truly appreciate yourself. Three cheers for beautiful Zoe!

We are here to support you when you need it.

 

[sumbride]

for me it was what Pandora said... cutting down portions and only healthful snacking. Basically I did everything I know I''m supposed to do, but I have been able to do it because I know I have to.

We''ve been eating at home almost every night... grilling chicken breasts and vegetables... carbs are limited to whole grains, or grilled corn, or roasted potatoes. I''ve cut back on portions for all meals and snacks are low-fat cheese, fruits, light yogurt. No soda. Salad at least once a day. Lots of water. The first week was HELL. Seriously, I was moody and irritable. But it has gotten better, and my blood sugar has evened out (I trend toward low blood sugar) so now even when I''m so hungry I can feel it, I''m not weak. That''s GOOD.

It''s a matter of getting your resources together... the right food at hand, a trainer if you can, some motivation and willpower. Picture you in a dress that DOESN''T fit and you will get some motivation! And remember, they can always alter it down if they have to.

 

[Skippy123]

Weight watcher is a great support group and I love it! Take a friend if you can; buddies really help when it comes to weight loss. Plus having a good leader at WW helps. If you don''t like your leader ask the weigh in workers which leader is the best and try that class.