Registry vs money problem

[brazen_irish_hussy]

So I need a polite way to indicate that what my FI and I really want is money. A few members of his family are very traditional so we are having a registry but are terying to keep it as small as possible.
Here is the story:
We have lived together on and off for 4 years so we have all the basics. Right after the wedding we are moving to different city to so we can both attend school. in 2-3 years when we graduate, we are moving to Ireland. This means we cannot take our furniture, electronics, nice dishes, etc. The last thing we want is more stuff. It is such a waste to have all the nice stuff meant for us to be given to random friends or shoved into storage indefinitely. On the other hand, we are paying for a move, double tuition and our honeymoon so what the really need is money.
If you were attending my wedding, how would you want me to do this? I hate being tacky, but we REALLY don''t want stuff and we really do need money.

 

[Independent Gal]

Tell your parents and grandparents (and anyone else you''re close enough with to pass along the word) to tell other people at any plausible (and polite) opportunity that money is whta you prefer. Then register somewhere that will accept returns for cash. I know that''s not so ''nice''. But. If you''re desperate.

 

[mimzy]

i think it''s a good idea to keep the registry small and perhaps you could encourage family members close to you to (actively but subtly) spread the word that you''d appreciate money more than gifts.

i have no experience with this, but maybe you could set up a honeymoon registry (depending on where you are going)?? that they can still give you a specific gift w/o giving you something you don''t care for or need.

maybe you could purposely register at stores that you can return gifts for store credit that doesn''t depreciate that you will be able to utilize once you get to ireland?


worst case scenerio, ebay it!

 

[Haven]

Brazen--I wish a polite way to ask for money existed, but it does not. Despite the fact that the registry makes us believe that we can dictate the gifts that our loved ones buy for us, we can''t (and shouldn''t expect to) and there is no tactful way to attempt do so. The registry is really just a guide, and I know a lot of brides come on here and complain when their guests give them gifts that weren''t on the registry, but really the complaining brides are being ungrateful and just plain tacky.

Does it make sense for people to give you things that you won''t need? No. But they are gifts, and you just can''t use your wedding as a means of supplementing your income, even if you could really use some help.

If I were in your shoes I would register somewhere that allows returns for money back. That way you can return any gifts that you decide you really don''t want and get the cash back, as long as you''re sure your Aunt Sally isn''t going to come over and look for the ceramic cookie tray she gave you.

Your move sounds like it''s going to be a great experience!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/7/2008 8:41:35 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Tell your parents and grandparents (and anyone else you''re close enough with to pass along the word) to tell other people at any plausible (and polite) opportunity that money is whta you prefer. Then register somewhere that will accept returns for cash. I know that''s not so ''nice''. But. If you''re desperate.

Agreed. Word of mouth is the only way to do this without being tacky. There is just no way to nicely ask for cash on invites or your website.

You could also try registering for a honeymoon, or to places where you can return for gift cards and use them later for more day to day things (like Target)...

 

[gtn]

Here are some ideas
1. Register at places that have really good return policies so you could trade in the gifts for money.
2. Register for the lifestyle registry
3. Set up a wedding page website (you could do this for free on many websites) and "the couple is registered at.... x,y,x" in smaller writting say "monetary gifts welcome"
4. Tell your close friends and family to spread the word

 

[cara]

There is no polite way to do what you want, unless some guest has just asked you what you and Mr. Brazen might prefer as a wedding gift. Then you can suggest pieces of paper commonly traded for currency, but even then some people woln''t listen.

Don''t mention money on the invites.

Don''t register for stuff you don''t actually want.

Turn down any offers of a shower and just have a normal party. Showers generate lots of stuff.

Look into a honeymoon registry, as that could lessen your overall financial burden and appeal to certain guests that don''t want to give cash, but make sure the details work for you. There might be transaction costs, and you don''t want to get locked into spending more than you want.

I think you are on the right track with a smaller registry of traditional items. But frankly registering for things that you do not actually want is really not very polite. Just choose your items carefully. Registering at a place with a good return policy is smart in any case.

But most important, realize that you cannot dictate what people will give you. And being gracious and non-tacky is a better approach than trying to control what you cannot control. You will get some off-registry, expensive, ill-liquid and too-big gift you don''t care for no matter what you do.

 

[jcrow]

yeh a honeymoon registry would result in a check for the "gifts"
however, your traditional family may not go for this idea unless heavily pushed - which would need to happen with cash gifts anyway.

we did a honeymoon registry in addition to traditional registries and only one person gave us a honeymoon "gift." we used honeymoonwishes.com and the sucky thing was that they didn''t track who gave what. so if the person who gave us a gift from the hm registry had not told us, we would have had no idea of who to thank. i can''t imagine lots of people giving gifts off the registry and no way to track all of them. mass confusion come thank you note time.

i think registering for stuff just to return it would be frustrating and time consuming and that''s hoping they give you cash back and not store credit. most do credit i believe.

 

[jcrow]

oh and i wanted to add... we also had a registry at a place that was not in our guest''s state so the gifts would have to be purchased online or over the phone. i thought we''d receive little to no gifts from that place despite all our china, drinkware and flatware being at that place. however due to word of mouth we received most of our gifts from that store. i was shocked and surprised we didn''t receive more random non-registry gifts.

anyway, i think you have a shot if you do it delicately by word of mouth. and because of the circumstances people may be more open to it than usual.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I guess part of my problem is that I would rather get nothing than more stuff. My family isn't a big deal, they have been giving me money as gofts since I was ten since that is my preferance. The problem is my FI's family. Many of them are wealthy now but used to be poor. They have this mindset that wealth, happiness and security comes from having stuff, the bigger and more useless the better. One part of the family is trying to get us a big screen TV when the tv we have hasn't been turned on in over 4 months.
Unfortunately, they will take it personally if we don't keep it but when we leave, there is nothing we can d with it so I sort want to offend them now and not get the stuff rather than having to deal with the stuff and offend them later.
The problem with the honeymoon thing is the high surcharges, the fact that were are using my miles from china to fly there and because the place we are looking at doesn't work with most of the programs.

 

[smiles]

aside from registering somewhere with a really good return policy and spreading the word verbally, I really like the idea of building a website and being able to include that information there. That way you have a seperate section with gift information and the people who really want to know what you want are the ones who will check it out.

i am not sure if you are having a bridal shower or anything but I just got invited to a bridal shower thrown by the bride''s friends and on the invite it said something like: sue and joe are planning to move to countryX after they get married. As shipping is expensive monetary gifts would be greatly appreciated.

i think they worded it a bit nicer but you get the point! If people know you are going to be moving they may think twice about what they plan on getting you! just an idea. you could also out a statement like that on a website.

 

[cara]

Date: 1/7/2008 10:09:08 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I guess part of my problem is that I would rather get nothing than more stuff. My family isn''t a big deal, they have been giving me money as gofts since I was ten since that is my preferance. The problem is my FI''s family. Many of them are wealthy now but used to be poor. They have this mindset that wealth, happiness and security comes from having stuff, the bigger and more useless the better. One part of the family is trying to get us a big screen TV when the tv we have hasn''t been turned on in over 4 months.

Unfortunately, they will take it personally if we don''t keep it but when we leave, there is nothing we can d with it so I sort want to offend them now and not get the stuff rather than having to deal with the stuff and offend them later.

You actually want to offend people who are looking to give you a gift? Um. OK. Maybe I should have taken your screen name at face value and not be so surprised, but you claimed in your initial post that you didn''t want to be tacky.

Just cause you have trained your family into giving you what you want doesn''t mean it is a good, polite idea to intentionally head-off your in-laws gift giving preferences. Especially when you have already been trying on a separate issue and they are clearly standing by their own gifting standards.

Don''t fight it. At least, not if you are trying to be untacky. If they ask what you want, tell them. If they don''t, you must thank them for whatever they give you, but you can pawn it or donate it or trash it if you want, as long as you don''t make a point of confronting them with that information.

If they don''t like it, too bad. Maybe they will slowly learn what gifts you appreciate if you don''t hold onto what they give you very long. Or maybe they just ignore your preferences forever, its not the worst inlaw problem to have.

Whatever you do, I would really let your FI handle his relatives. Heading off unwanted gifts is not a good reason for you taking proactive measures here.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I didn''t mean I want to offend them, just that I will end up doing so. His family would be really offended if we don''t take all the gifts they give us to Ireland with us even though we can''t use a big screen tv there. His family doesn''t really understand our desire to live in Europe and things like different power voltages and things don''t occur to them.
I don''t appreciate the "training my family" remark. We are very pragmatic people, if we want something, we get it so there is rarely gifts to be had. We always give each other money, it is understood and appreciated.
My FI''s family has disowned him on and off since we started dating because of me. They have thrown wild accusations at me and have sometimes threatend me. Because they will be offended if we do not keep/take with us/use any gift they give us, we wanted to encourge money in part so they would not get offended. Everytime my family gives us something they try to outdo them and so if my family gave us money which we used and they gave us stuff which we didn''t, the vicious cycle starts all over again.

 

[bee*]

I don''t think that there is any polite way to ask for money so I agree with the others and word of mouth is probably your best option. We''re kind of hoping for the same but we''re not going to be upset if people get us gifts instead. It''s generous of them either way.

 

[goldenstar]

I agree with everyone that the best way to indicate a preference for money is word of mouth. If you still end up with stuff you don't use then try to return it for cash or exchange it for something you will use. And if that still doesn't help, listen to Mimzy-- Ebay it! I bet you could get a nice amount for fancy unused items. Whatever you sell it for will be 100% profit to you.

I realize that you are worried that you will offend people if you sell or don't use their gifts. If you are in Europe will they really know what you have kept or not? If anything you can use the moving excuse to explain why you cannot keep the items. Its a very reasonable explaination (to me at least).

As everyone said, there are some things you cannot control. Do what you can but don't stress too much. You also have to decide what is more important to you-- keeping the peace or having what you want as far as gifting. Harmony in the family is something money can't buy so it might be worth the sacrifice.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 1/7/2008 10:09:08 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
...

The problem with the honeymoon thing is the high surcharges, the fact that were are using my miles from china to fly there and because the place we are looking at doesn''t work with most of the programs.

the honeymoon registries (at least the one we used and i''m sure others are like it) don''t work WITH the resort or airlines or whatever you use for your honeymoon. it''s totally separate. all the registry does is be a front. guests have the comfort of choosing a "thing" to pay for which makes their gift seem tangible rather than just cash. but it is just cash - or rather check. for instance, the gift we received was for a massage for two. the guest chose the massage over the other honeymoon gifts which were available. when the gift arrived it was merely a check for the said amount. the dollar amounts and gifts themselves you chose and create.

 

[sumbride]

If you do end up needing to have a registry, Bed Bath and Beyond WILL give you cash on returns for things that were on the registry. You sometimes have to ask multiple times before they get the manager to approve it, but we did get some cash back for duplicates. And the one time I asked for store credit because the item was broken and I wanted another, they said "You sure you don''t want CASH?" It was weird. Of course, returning a whole registry would be very time consuming and exhausting, but if you do find that the pressure is intense, go to BB&B.

and AVOID Target. Their return policy is extremely strict. EXTREMELY. They won''t help you.

 

[Pandora II]

Could you ask your in-laws to hold off on their gift until you get to Ireland - you may well welcome receiving a tv at that end!

 

[newbie124]

Hi all,

I've been lurking this forum, but thought I'd chime in. I once saw a couple reference this site as their registry (they linked to it from their wedding web site): http://www.felicite.com.

This couple was in a similar situation as you where they were moving to England and starting grad school there. So they used felicite to register for specific gift items as well as thing like theater tickets, museum entrance, hotel stays and other activities that they could use on their honeymoon and also while they're living in Europe (like movie passes to a local theatre).

This didn't really seem tacky to me. It's better than just outright asking for cash, b/c at least the guests see that they're contributing to specific things/activities. And it was kind of romantic how they had described it on their wedding site.

I went to a friend's wedding where they had "no boxed gifts" on the invite, which seemed a bit more on the tacky/presumptuous side (on top of that, they also never sent out any "thank you" cards).

I used to think that asking for money as a wedding gift was tacky no matter how you looked at it and giving someone money as a gift just felt weird (even though I think it's standard for my culture). But now that my BF and I have lived together for a few years, own our place and have more need of larger furniture items and want to do some renovation work, money's sounding like a more useful gift for us. Haven't figured out yet, though, how we'll go about doing it (probably word of mouth/register at places w/ lenient return policies).

I actually find the whole wedding gifts/registry issue rather amusing. Because I think for the most part the standard is that couples expect presents and most guests don't think to arrive w/o one. (I mean, if you flip it around and look at it from the guest side, if someone were to say that they're going to attend but not bother w/ a gift, I think a lot of people would find issue with that). Yet, there's all this "etiquette" around how you're not supposed to show that you expect gifts and couples have to go through these subtle channels (word of mouth, web site page instead of on invites) to tell people what they want...I don't know...it all just seems kind of silly.