Rehearsal Dinner question

[fabcrab]

Hi everyone,

I''m a bridesmaid for my brother-in-law''s wedding and my in-laws are unsure regarding the ettiquette for rehearsal dinners. The place is going to be a somewhat fancy place so my in-laws would rather they keep the head count as low as possible. So it''s to our understanding that immediate family member (brothers, sisters) and the bridal party are invited. It is a military wedding so they also have 3 sabre-holders and 2 ushers, are they invited as well? What about the significant others of the bridal party? The priest?

With significant others/dates of the bridal party included, we are estimating around 50 people. To us that seems kind of a lot.

This issue was not a huge deal during my rehearsal dinner because ours was a casual catered dinner in their home.

Thank you in advance,
Fabcrab

 

[JulieN]

Ushers, yes.
Sabre holders, yes.
SO's, definitely not, unless they are from OOT
Priest, maybe.

 

[fabcrab]

Oh I forgot to mention, they''re getting married in a resort town so everyone is OTT. Where do you draw the line?

 

[KimberlyH]

According to The Knot:

Who''s Invited?

At the very least, the guest list includes immediate family (parents and siblings), wedding-party members and any spouses and significant others, and the parents of any child attendants (inviting the children themselves is optional). You should also invite the officiant and his/her spouse to the dinner.

If many out-of-town guests are invited to the wedding, they may also be invited to the rehearsal dinner, especially if there are many who will have already arrived in town for the wedding. If you''d rather have the rehearsal be an intimate affair but don''t want to leave other guests hanging, think about having the rehearsal two nights before the wedding day -- on Thursday night for a Saturday wedding -- and then having a welcome party for out-of-towners on Friday night instead.

According to crane.com:

Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner?
Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner was held for just the wedding party in order to get them fed after the rehearsal -- and to give the bride''s mother one less thing to be responsible for. While many rehearsal dinners are still reserved for the wedding party, others have expanded to include the wedding party, their spouses or dates, and out-of-town guests.

 

[fabcrab]

Thanks for the replies

 

[griffitk]

One way to save $$$ is to make it a rehearsal luncheon and have it immediately before the rehearsal, as lunches are generally cheaper than dinners. It''s also more acceptable to be a stickler for a small headcount for a dinner vs. a lunch. We then had an open reception for all guests (everyone was OOT) on Friday evening. This worked out really well for us.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 7/18/2007 6:46:41 PM
Author:fabcrab
Hi everyone,


I'm a bridesmaid for my brother-in-law's wedding and my in-laws are unsure regarding the ettiquette for rehearsal dinners. The place is going to be a somewhat fancy place so my in-laws would rather they keep the head count as low as possible. So it's to our understanding that immediate family member (brothers, sisters) and the bridal party are invited. It is a military wedding so they also have 3 sabre-holders and 2 ushers, are they invited as well? What about the significant others of the bridal party? The priest?


With significant others/dates of the bridal party included, we are estimating around 50 people. To us that seems kind of a lot.


This issue was not a huge deal during my rehearsal dinner because ours was a casual catered dinner in their home.


Thank you in advance,

Fabcrab

Anyone who has to attend the rehearsal of the ceremony (priest, sabre-holders and ushers) should all be invited- it would be extremely awkward and rude for someone to be at the rehearsal of the ceremony and then not be invited to the dinner following.

Also I think that the spouses/dates of the bridal party should be included- ESPECIALLY if they are traveling for the wedding.
ETA- I just saw that it's a destination wedding- yes the dates of the bridal party members (who likely had to pay to travel in for the extra day. possibly take a day off) should be invited otherwise they will be eating in a resort by themselves- not fun.

 

[cara]

You are supposed to invite the immediate families of the bride and groom, everyone that needs to be at the wedding rehearsal (so all the bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearers and flower girls, officiant, readers, sabre-holders, etc.) AND the appropriate SOs or parents of small children previously listed.

I beg to differ with the pp who said not to invite SOs. It is a social event, of course you invite people''s long-time social partners. I would be somewhat miffed if my fiance were invited to a dinner without me even in town, and really put out if it was OOT and I was supposed to eat dinner alone after traveling for the wedding.

For large weddings or large families, this could easily be 50 people; its one of the things to think about when choosing the wedding party and the location for the rehearsal dinner. You could do something less expensive to keep the costs down, but I wouldn''t exclude people listed above.

The "optional" extras are inviting OOT guests or close non-immediate family members or close family friends (ie. godparents, etc.). For some weddings including these people would basically mean inviting all the wedding guests. While it is a kindness (especially to OOT guests) it is not required.

 

[fabcrab]

Date: 7/18/2007 7:30:26 PM
Author: cara
You are supposed to invite the immediate families of the bride and groom, everyone that needs to be at the wedding rehearsal (so all the bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearers and flower girls, officiant, readers, sabre-holders, etc.) AND the appropriate SOs or parents of small children previously listed.


I beg to differ with the pp who said not to invite SOs. It is a social event, of course you invite people''s long-time social partners. I would be somewhat miffed if my fiance were invited to a dinner without me even in town, and really put out if it was OOT and I was supposed to eat dinner alone after traveling for the wedding.


For large weddings or large families, this could easily be 50 people; its one of the things to think about when choosing the wedding party and the location for the rehearsal dinner. You could do something less expensive to keep the costs down, but I wouldn''t exclude people listed above.


The ''optional'' extras are inviting OOT guests or close non-immediate family members or close family friends (ie. godparents, etc.). For some weddings including these people would basically mean inviting all the wedding guests. While it is a kindness (especially to OOT guests) it is not required.

I completely agree however the groom fell in love with the location which is a 5-star hotel restaurant. I really appreciate everyone''s insights. I''ve been forwarding everyone''s replies to the in-laws.

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry that I don''t have any words of wisdom to add. We''re having a rather large RD at 40-56 people most likely, but it''s all family (everyone is OOT-- cousins, aunts, uncles, my FI''s siblings and his nieces and nephews). If I could cut down the list I would but I don''t know how to politely exclude anyone. Oops, sorry, I ddidn''t mean to threadjack.

 

[dtnyc]

Is the reception taking place in a 5-star hotel?

Do you think that much of the bridal party is staying in this 5-star hotel?
I am sure that alternative hotels were offered, but often times the bridal party feels obligated to stay where the bride & groom are staying.

If you then the groom & family of the groom need to consider that this wedding is probably a considerable financial outlay for everyone involved.

My SIL chose to get married in an expensive resort area, Labor Day weekend- it''s going to be expensive for the bride & groom''s parents but they also need to realize that every guest is making a major sacrifice just to be there with them. Our flights & hotel (2 nights) alone is 1K and we are staying in a B&B. If they had chosen to not have a destination wedding we would not have to fly.

Quite frankly there are a lot of places we could go for a weekend away for 1K, but my IL''s don''t seem to understand the cost that their guests are going to have to pay to attend this wedding.

 

[fabcrab]

Date: 7/18/2007 7:46:16 PM
Author: zoebartlett
I''m sorry that I don''t have any words of wisdom to add. We''re having a rather large RD at 40-56 people most likely, but it''s all family (everyone is OOT-- cousins, aunts, uncles, my FI''s siblings and his nieces and nephews). If I could cut down the list I would but I don''t know how to politely exclude anyone. Oops, sorry, I ddidn''t mean to threadjack.

By no means you''re not threadjacking! I completely understand what you mean. I just feel pretty bad for the in-laws because they''re almost like funding a small wedding.

 

[labbielove]

I agree with the others, especially since it''s a destination wedding I think you need to invite the SO''s.
Would you want to go to such a dinner without your FI?

As far as the 50 headcount, is there a way you could cut down on the bill? Have a luncheon?
A different site? A different type of food? Limit the bar to beer/wine?

 

[fabcrab]

Date: 7/18/2007 7:52:09 PM
Author: dtnyc
Is the reception taking place in a 5-star hotel?


Do you think that much of the bridal party is staying in this 5-star hotel?

I am sure that alternative hotels were offered, but often times the bridal party feels obligated to stay where the bride & groom are staying.


If you then the groom & family of the groom need to consider that this wedding is probably a considerable financial outlay for everyone involved.


My SIL chose to get married in an expensive resort area, Labor Day weekend- it''s going to be expensive for the bride & groom''s parents but they also need to realize that every guest is making a major sacrifice just to be there with them. Our flights & hotel (2 nights) alone is 1K and we are staying in a B&B. If they had chosen to not have a destination wedding we would not have to fly.


Quite frankly there are a lot of places we could go for a weekend away for 1K, but my IL''s don''t seem to understand the cost that their guests are going to have to pay to attend this wedding.

It''s only the rehearsal dinner that''s taking part in a 5 star hotel. Reasonably priced accomodations have been provided for everyone in the bridal party. For example groups renting out cabins to split the cost. The bride and groom are not going to be staying in a 5 star hotel either. The groom just fell in love at the rehearsal dinner site and is adamant about having a fancy sit down dinner.

 

[fabcrab]

Date: 7/18/2007 11:43:01 PM
Author: labbielove
I agree with the others, especially since it''s a destination wedding I think you need to invite the SO''s.

Would you want to go to such a dinner without your FI?


As far as the 50 headcount, is there a way you could cut down on the bill? Have a luncheon?

A different site? A different type of food? Limit the bar to beer/wine?

I would for sure hate to be in a rehearsal dinner without my DH or vice versa. You bring up a very good point. I was just asking about proper etiquette for my in-laws. We are just curious where to draw the line into the guest list before things get out of control.

 

[VRBeauty]

Would a buffet dinner be an option at the same location? It wouldn''t be as formal (I''d consider that a plus

but your FI might not) and it would probably be less expensive...

 

[Haven]

I understand that your FI fell in love with a pricey location, but it would be terribly rude to omit anyone involved in the actual rehearsal (priest, flower girl, etc.) and any of the participants'' significant others from the RD guest list.

If your in-laws cannot afford to invite all of these people to the rehearsal, they should strongly consider relocating the event, plain and simple.

I know these things can be awfully sticky, but please remember that your loved ones are likely spending a large amount of money and time to participate in your wedding. What seems like an easy way to cut corners on the budget (e.g. omitting SOs from the RD guest list) will likely feel very hurtful to your participants.

And after all--isn''t this entire thing more about sharing your celebration with your loved ones than overextending yourselves financially to throw a swanky RD? Proper etiquette always favors staying within one''s means and including everyone appropriate over flashy dinners and hurt guests.

Good luck!