Religion Question

[Jewels305]

I''m an LIW but I have a question that I think you girls might be able to help me out with.

Let me start off by saying that I am Protestant and my boyfriend is Catholic. We went to a wedding this weekend and it was a Catholic ceremony with a Mass. It was the first Catholic ceremony I had ever been to, and it was beautiful, but I felt lost half of the time. I sort of felt out of place, but I tried my best to stick out like a sore thumb

The wedding really made me think about what sort of a ceremony we will have. I know that if we have a Catholic ceremony we don''t have to also have a Mass, which would make it a little easier for my family to follow. A Justice of the Peace is not an option because I have suggested it to him before. I am confident that he wouldn''t convert because he went to Catholic school all of his life and it is very much a part of who he is. I would convert if that was the only option, but I would prefer not to. I was wondering what options we have because I don''t want either of our families to feel excluded or that we are choosing one religion over the other.

I don''t know a lot about this, and I hope I didn''t offend anyone! Any insight would be very helpful

 

[monarch64]

Have you and your BF talked very in-depth about this topic? Religion is one of the fundamental issues most couples deal with pre-and-post-marriage...so I would certainly advise you to have a really thorough discussion with your BF about the whole topic and figure out what both of you are comfortable with. As far as the families and the wedding, it is YOUR wedding and however you want to do it is fine. Don''t feel like you have to cater to a certain custom/religion to please everyone, otherwise your ceremony could a completely incoherent juxtaposition of all kinds of different faiths!

So the question remains, what are you as a couple most comfortable with?

to give you my personal feedback: I''m agnostic, DH is also agnostic but was raised Episcopalian and we went through his childhood (and my MIL''s) church for premarital counseling and used the priest from said church to marry us. We had a very simple, non-church ceremony outdoors at our reception location. My family and most of my friends are all Protestant, some very southern Baptist, etc. DH''s guest also included Jewish, Catholic, and other non-denominational faith-oriented guests...I don''t think our ceremony was an issue for anyone, at least no one ever complained or said anything about it. I think nowadays many people have become used to attending interfaith ceremonies.

 

[labbielove]

we had a catholic ceremony without the full mass, and most of our guests were not Catholic.
it was very similar to other types of ceremonies- welcoming prayers, readings (we even used a non-biblical reading in place of a responsorial psalm), a homily/sermon by the deacon, and our vows.

people commented on how beautiful of a ceremony it was, because of the thought we put into the music, the readings, and the personal homily given by our officiant ( a dear family friend)

discuss with your bf/fi and do what is right for YOU as a couple- the marriage ceremony is not for the benefit of your guests, it is the ritual by which you commit to each other. it''s nice that you are concerned about people feeling lost,etc. but any guest who cares about you will not feel as such. i''ve been to many beautiful ceremonies of different religions and have enjoyed them.

good luck!

 

[mimzy]

i really really strongly agree that you should talk it out with your FI. if you do choose to get married in the catholic church, you are going to need to check with their rules at the particular parish. some require that both of you be catholic, some make you sign something saying that you promise to raise your kids catholic, some don't allow any secular or non-catholic readings or songs, some don't care either way....so it really depends on them what you can do if you go that route.

some catholic priests are open to sharing the stage so to speak. my cousin got married in her catholic church and they had her FIs minister up there with the priest doing half of the ministerly duties. I think that was a good compromise for them. But that's definitely not something that all catholic priests make it a habit of doing....

I think before you go any further you should check with his parish and see what their rules are. then you can see what your options are

If you choose to go the Protastant route, you can always go back to the church after you are married have it convalidated (meaning the church will recognize your marriage). again, sometimes they require you to be baptized catholic, and/or make your DH go through reconciliation.

some would say it is easier to just get married in the catholic church because the marriage will still be recognized by yours, and that isn't the case if it were to be the other way around. but that can be a pretty hard pill to swallow, especially if they make you be baptized and you don't really want to (horrible).

i also agree that you shouldn't worry about someone being offended that you chose one religion over another. unless you have a fanatical aunt or something, i think it is pretty common for people to marry outside their religion/denomination and guests understand that. they know it is usually just saying that you had to pick one and this one won the coin toss, not that you are abandoning your roots and spitting on their beliefs. if you have anyone in mind that you are particularly afraid of offending, talk it out with them and explain your reasoning. otherwise, don't sweat it. and unless you are going the catholic route and it is in latin, i don't think you need to worry about the guests not following....as long as it is in english, they will figure it out.

definitely talk it over with him. check to see if the matter is skin-deep (tradition in family, etc) or if this is something that he feels really strongly about. a lot of couples skim over this issue if they are both christians, but it is a BIG DEAL, and needs to be addressed asap.

 

[Clio]

When my cousin got married, they had a Catholic ceremony at the bride''s church, and the groom''s cousin (a Presbyterian minister) also had a part in the ceremony. It was a very nice compromise and made both families feel welcome.

I''d agree, though, that religion is something y''all will want to talk over a lot before you get married.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 10/2/2007 8:16:04 AM
Author: mimzy
i really really strongly agree that you should talk it out with your FI. if you do choose to get married in the catholic church, you are going to need to check with their rules at the particular parish. some require that both of you be catholic, some make you sign something saying that you promise to raise your kids catholic, some don''t allow any secular or non-catholic readings or songs, some don''t care either way....so it really depends on them what you can do if you go that route.

some catholic priests are open to sharing the stage so to speak. my cousin got married in her catholic church and they had her FIs minister up there with the priest doing half of the ministerly duties. I think that was a good compromise for them. But that''s definitely not something that all catholic priests make it a habit of doing....

I think before you go any further you should check with his parish and see what their rules are. then you can see what your options are

If you choose to go the Protastant route, you can always go back to the church after you are married have it convalidated (meaning the church will recognize your marriage). again, sometimes they require you to be baptized catholic, and/or make your DH go through reconciliation.

some would say it is easier to just get married in the catholic church because the marriage will still be recognized by yours, and that isn''t the case if it were to be the other way around. but that can be a pretty hard pill to swallow, especially if they make you be baptized and you don''t really want to (horrible).

i also agree that you shouldn''t worry about someone being offended that you chose one religion over another. unless you have a fanatical aunt or something, i think it is pretty common for people to marry outside their religion/denomination and guests understand that. they know it is usually just saying that you had to pick one and this one won the coin toss, not that you are abandoning your roots and spitting on their beliefs. if you have anyone in mind that you are particularly afraid of offending, talk it out with them and explain your reasoning. otherwise, don''t sweat it. and unless you are going the catholic route and it is in latin, i don''t think you need to worry about the guests not following....as long as it is in english, they will figure it out.

definitely talk it over with him. check to see if the matter is skin-deep (tradition in family, etc) or if this is something that he feels really strongly about. a lot of couples skim over this issue if they are both christians, but it is a BIG DEAL, and needs to be addressed asap.

Are you Catholic, mimzy? I was raised Catholic and what you posted about being forced to get baptized simply isn''t correct. Jewels, you will not have to be baptized as a Catholic to get married in the Catholic church. Catholics marry non-Catholics all the time. Both of my brothers'' weddings were in the Catholic church and both of their wives aren''t Catholic, although one later converted on her own accord. Converting to Catholicism as an adult is much more difficult than just getting baptized. You go to classes and if I remember correctly, it takes a while. Also, most, if not all, parishes will have you go to premarital counseling for a certain period of time, so I''m sure everything will be explained further in that counseling.

However, I think you should definitely talk to your boyfriend about this to even see what type of ceremony you will be having when you do get married. If you''re a LIW now is a great time to discuss important issues like religion, children, etc. and you should definitely get that kind of stuff out on the table now.

 

[mimzy]

i'm byzantine catholic, but follow a more nondenominational route. i know it's not true that everywhere makes the other person convert (and i said that in my post at least twice), but i promise you it isn't unheard of! (my stepbrother was baptized (roman) catholic and the church still wouldn't marry him unless he got confirmed, and he would of had to been baptized if he hadn't already been). I just threw that in there to make sure she didn't decide to have it there and then be informed that was the case for his particular parish. and you're right (obviously!) that there is a lot more to adult conversion than child baptism - the classes and the RCIA (i think?), etc. but i tend to be long winded in my posts as it is and was trying to keep it short

p.s. i used the word horrible to describe the feeling of being pressured to be baptized,not that the catholic church requires it...if that was maybe struck a wrong chord.

 

[October2008bride]

I recently went through the process to find out, and this is how it works in my city:

I am Anglican and my FI is Catholic. We were under the impression that if he were to marry in my church, he would "lose" his membership in the Catholic Church. So we went to the Priest to find out about me marryign there, or if he could get ''permission'' to marry elsewhere but for him to remain Catholic.

Basically, if I were to marry there, I would not have to convert, but I would have to go through a Catholic marriage course, and sign a contract saying my kids would be raised Catholic. I for one was not ready to do that, because my FI is barely practicing as is, and I thought that was a lot to ask. My FI agreed, so that wasn''t an issue.

As far as him getting ''permission'' to marry elsewhere, the Priest said that the Catholic church does not recognize ANY marriage outside of the ones that occur IN the Catholic Church (well...will recognize them as Civil only - not religious). My FI could be free to get married elsewhere, AND he could continue going to Catholic Church, however he could no longer take communion.

That is what finally pushed my FI over the edge. We are getting married in the Anglican Church. He felt that he was trying to do the right thing etc, but that the rules were too difficult/strict and were pushing him away. My church, on the other hand, didn''t care that he wasn''t Anglican, or that we weren''t going every weekend. They were more welcoming that is for sure.

Oh and the Catholic Church we were considering (the one in our parish - we had just moved into this city) said we had to go to church for at least 3 months before they''d book us a date. How would they know we''d been? The envelope system. Niice.

Granted, I''m not saying that every catholic church is like this. I"m not even judging their system in any way. It just wasn''t for us.

Hope my experience will help in knowing what it is like at some. But I would highly recommend you check it out before you decide.

The Priest definitely focused on the fact that we had to choose. Having two religions and who would bring up the kids spiritually etc would be difficult in his eyes.

My parents are mixed religion. I''m fine.

Just sayin...

Again...no judging, and no disrespect to anyone meant by my post.

 

[Pandora II]

I was at my FBIL''s wedding on Saturday, which was a catholic ceremony but without the mass. FBIL is pretty agnostic, but happy to go along with it for his FI.

FI and I are very atheist, but from a culturally-protestant background - although FI''s mother and stepfather are both anglican priests.

Most of FI''s family are jewish, from ultra-orthodox to non-practising. The others are all agnostic/atheist.

To be honest I did find the ceremony somewhat uncomfortable. I am used to attending ceremonies where I can just sit and look at the paintings, flowers etc during the prayers, and I''m quite happy to sing most of the hymns (UK one''s that I know from school.)

This ceremony seemed a bit ''evangelical'', with lots of allellulia''s and raising you hands to do blessings, shaking hands etc. It was horribly obvious that one side of the church was happily doing all this, and the other side was just standing there in silence!

I am happy to be respectful of other people''s beliefs, but I won''t take part. FI, who was one of the wedding party and therefore standing up, just looked like he wished the ground would open up and swallow him the whole way through - hardly how you want to feel at your brother''s wedding!

My understanding has always been that you can marry in the catholic church even if you are a non-believer, but you have to promise that your children will be brought up as catholics. You may wish to think about the implications for your future children. I know that for myself it was VERY important that my future husband was a committed atheist, having been very badly treated in my childhood due to my lack of belief, I would never let my children near any organised religion and would therefore struggle if my partner wanted to be part of one.

 

[cara]

You need to talk to your FI about what his feeling are on a non-Catholic wedding, raising the kids Catholic, etc. And this probably goes hand-in-hand with figuring out the requirements of your local parish. As others have said, some are very strict (will only marry two Catholic people), some are pretty lax and will marry a non-Catholic to a Catholic even without the promise to raise the kids Catholic, but many split the difference and require the kid-promise but will not require the adult to convert.

A number also have requirements on being members of the community (which often means tithing and attendance at the particular church in which you want to marry).

It shouldn''t just be up to you to compromise - its your marriage and life too. Hopefully you are both somewhat religious if its important to your FI to have a religious wedding.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

if he is not with a specific parish you could look around your area too. I know the Colorado Springs Parish is EXTREMELY strict about everything, raising the kids catholic, premarriage counciling, both being practicing catholics. My friend told me that he asked her if she ever voted for a polititian who was for abortion because if she did then the bishop would deny her request. It is really crazy down there. Meanwhile 60 miloes away in Denver and Boulder the parishes are very liberal where they will marry people without any of the catholic children promises, etc. So that is another consideration.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Just my two cents... To become a Catholic you must attend about a year of RCIA classes. You are baptised (only if you haven''t been baptised into another faith) and confirmed in one mass at the Easter Vigil. You and your fiance can really get married any way you want... the trick is to find the right priest. The thing is, a parish might have certain rules, but not all the priests will follow them. Practices change drastically from one parish to another, even within the same archdiocese. My parents were married twice, once in my mother''s baptist church, and then again in the catholic church. A friend of our family married a jewish boy and the priest performed a joint wedding with his Rabbi. In reality, not technically, almost anything is possible... it just may take a little research and creativity. As with all religions, what is law is not always what is practiced.

P.S this information comes from the daughter of a Roman Catholic Deacon, who went to Catholic School for thirteen years... that does not by any means make me 100% right... religion is tricky that way

 

[Jewels305]

Thank you to everyone who has responded! We have talked about the issue and I am willing to convert if it''s necessary. A lot of people think that it''s a lot to compromise, but since I was never baptized or confirmed Protestant and he was baptized and confirmed Catholic, I think it would be a bigger compromise for him to convert than me. Also, he and his family were always very involved in religion when he was growing up; more so than my family and I were (He went to private Catholic school for 18 years). As for signing the document stating that you will raise your children Catholic- while I have always thought that is over stepping some bounds, I do plan on raising my children so that they experience not just one religion, so no matter what I sign them up for, what''s going to happen may be slightly different.

I think I will follow the advice of many of you and just do my research for what works best for us.