Remembering late parents

[SapphireLover]

Not the most cheerful of topics, but for those of you who have lost a parent, how will you remember them at your wedding? It carries on from Allycat''s thread about FMIL that was going off topic.

My dad passed away last year and my wedding is August ''10. I know that I will have a pocket put in my dress so I can fit a picture of him in so he is with me all day and walks me down the aisle. He will be remembered in all the speeches as well.

What are other people doing?

 

[Deelight]

My mum passed away when I was 13 so on my wedding day at this stage I plan to wear a locket with her picture in it close to my heart.

We hvae quite a few loved ones that have passed and really I don''t know a way to remember them without being morbid - I thought about releasing butterflies one for each person at some point but FI thinks that is a little sad...so I am stumped

 

[Delster]

A friend of mine who had an outdoor wedding hung beautiful floral wreaths off of the trees around the ceremony site and there was a small note in the programme saying the floral wreaths in the trees were in recognition of their grandparents who they felt were watching over them. The wreaths were in the same colours as the other floral decorations (oranges, reds, gold - it was an Autumn wedding). I thought it was touching and not at all morbid.

 

[SapphireLover]

Date: 6/5/2009 8:39:32 AM
Author: Deelight
My mum passed away when I was 13 so on my wedding day at this stage I plan to wear a locket with her picture in it close to my heart.


We hvae quite a few loved ones that have passed and really I don''t know a way to remember them without being morbid - I thought about releasing butterflies one for each person at some point but FI thinks that is a little sad...so I am stumped

I was reading on another forum about butterfly releases. A couple of people had seen them going really wrong- people opening up bxes to find them filled with dead butterflies that thudded to the ground. Not a fitting tribute!

 

[allycat0303]

Sapphire: Having worked with insects in the past, I don''t see how that scenario is avoidable. I used to raise them for my master''s project under ideal conditions, ideal food, light, etc., and on Mondays would arrive to find massive carnage of insects. So I never got how every butterfly would arrive happy and ready to fly away.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 6/5/2009 8:54:11 AM
Author: SapphireLover

Date: 6/5/2009 8:39:32 AM

Author: Deelight

My mum passed away when I was 13 so on my wedding day at this stage I plan to wear a locket with her picture in it close to my heart.



We hvae quite a few loved ones that have passed and really I don't know a way to remember them without being morbid - I thought about releasing butterflies one for each person at some point but FI thinks that is a little sad...so I am stumped

I was reading on another forum about butterfly releases. A couple of people had seen them going really wrong- people opening up bxes to find them filled with dead butterflies that thudded to the ground. Not a fitting tribute!

Hrmmm the innapproriate part of me (because it hasn't happened to me or anyone I know) can see the humour - but yeah I have heard that before as well.

 

[Patchee]

My Mom passed away when I was 12 and his Dad passed away 8 years ago so since we are having it on our property and not having your normal "Go through the wedding motions" i.e. DJ pushing it along with the typical songs, the cake chimes etc. so in honor of our parents we are playing the song

Wish you were here - pink flloyd. That''s what they would have wanted!

 

[honey22]

They all sound like lovely suggestions ladies, except for the dead butterflies

We are lighting a candle before the ceremony. Darling FI wants to light the candle before I arrive, so his Dad will ''be there'' for the whole wedding. I bawled like a baby when he told me this, it makes me teary when I think of it. He misses his Dad so much, it never fails to make me sad when I think that he really wishes for his Dad to be at our wedding.

At the reception, we are going to have framed photos of both our parents'' wedding days. We felt that a single pic of his Dad may be too obvious at a small wedding and make family sad instead of joyful, so we included my parents wedding pics too. It will be nice to have them both there, and there will still be a pic of his Dad with us.

It''s such a fine line between invoking sad memories and remembering a loved one. You want your wedding to be joyous and your guests to be happy, but it''s also important to honour special people. I had considered having FI''s Dad''s favorite song playing, but we all decided it would make everyone cry.

 

[SapphireLover]

I like the candle idea, however over in the UK I have only ever seen candles lit at Catholic weddings, which would make me, being Jewish, feel rather uncomfortable, never mind some of my family.

I like the music idea, although my Dad's favourite songs are Barbara Streisand, and like you, Patchee , we aren't having a dj/ dancing at the wedding. He would love it if we played Hello Dolly though- I could come down the aisle to it! Edited- I've just realised that Louis Armstrong originally sang Hello Dolly and he was another of my dad's favourites. The lyrics are here-

I said hello, dolly,......well, hello, dolly
Its so nice to have you back where you belong
Youre lookin swell, dolly.......i can tell, dolly
Youre still glowin...youre still crowin...youre still goin strong
I feel that room swayin......while the bands playin
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So..... take her wrap, fellas.......find her an empty lap, fellas
Dollyll never go away again

(instrumental break)

I said hello, dolly,.....well, hello, dolly
Its so nice to have you back where you belong
Youre lookin swell, dolly.....i can tell, dolly
Youre still glowin...youre still crowin...youre still goin strong
I feel the room swayin...while that ole band keeps on playin
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So...golly, gee, fellas....find her an empty knee, fellas
Dollyll never go away....i said shell never go away
Dollyll never go away again

I don't think its that bad to play at a wedding.

 

[Livinthedream]

My husbands mother is deceased. We honored her with a Memorial candle at our wedding that we now have up in our home. I actually had a picture of the two of them imprinted on a candle. Then I put it in a vase that I filled with glass stones. Right as the ceremony began, after my mom was walked in, my husband escorted his Godmother up to light the candle. They make the photo candles were you can put a tea light in the top so that no wax runs down toward the picture at all.
It was really sweet, and touching, but not overly emotional to the point where my husband would be uncomforatble or somber. But still honoring the special person who was not with us that day.
We noted the lighting in the program and mentioned "In Loving Memory" and I think it was perfect!

Good luck.

 

[parrot tulips]

FI''s mother passed away about a year before we met. He was very firm about not wanting any sort of public display honoring her (no flowers, candles, photos, etc.). He felt that it was morbid, but more specifically, he was afraid it might upset his father. My compromise - I got him locket cufflinks so he could carry her with him.

 

[NakedFinger]

Date: 6/5/2009 9:17:51 AM
Author: honey22
They all sound like lovely suggestions ladies, except for the dead butterflies

We are lighting a candle before the ceremony. Darling FI wants to light the candle before I arrive, so his Dad will 'be there' for the whole wedding. I bawled like a baby when he told me this, it makes me teary when I think of it. He misses his Dad so much, it never fails to make me sad when I think that he really wishes for his Dad to be at our wedding.

At the reception, we are going to have framed photos of both our parents' wedding days. We felt that a single pic of his Dad may be too obvious at a small wedding and make family sad instead of joyful, so we included my parents wedding pics too. It will be nice to have them both there, and there will still be a pic of his Dad with us.

It's such a fine line between invoking sad memories and remembering a loved one. You want your wedding to be joyous and your guests to be happy, but it's also important to honour special people. I had considered having FI's Dad's favorite song playing, but we all decided it would make everyone cry.

Sapphire- Honey's candle suggestion is a perfect way to honor him during the ceremony, and the framed wedding photos are the perfect way to symbolize their presence at the reception. I have seen that done a lot, and it is a sweet gesture.

I have seen way to many weddings where they go a little too into the "memory" sector that people are SOBBING, and not like teary eyed or a small dear dropping, but like BALLING uncontrollably. You want to remember lost loved ones but not turn your celebration to the mood of a funeral.

 

[KimberlyH]

We planted miniature flower pots with kalanchoe and used them as our favors. We planted a few more and wrote the names of deceased family members we wanted to remember (DH''s father, his aunt who was a second mother to him, and my grandparents) and placed them at the center of the table. They were small enough that it wasn''t obvious, but we knew they were there with us in that small way. My mom chose invites with butterfiys on them as my husband''s aunt loved them. We had wedding pictures of both sets of parents up.

 

[elrohwen]

This is actually a really nice thread. My FFIL passed away 6 or so years ago and I never had the chance to meet him, but I know his family misses him very much. I think we''re going to leave a chair for him with a rose on it or something, but we haven''t really talked it out beyond that. I''m going to FMIL''s house this weekend, so we should maybe have a discussion about what we want to do. I hope I can get some good ideas from this thread!

 

[elrohwen]

Honey, your post is exactly how I feel! I get so sad when FI gets emotional about his dad and I really wish I could''ve met him. I also think your wedding picture idea is fantastic and I''m going to suggest it to FI and FMIL! Since he passed away a while ago it might seem weird to have an obvious picture of him up, but your idea makes it so appropriate.

 

[Haven]

DH''s mom passed away in 2002. Our wedding was last July, and we wanted to do some kind of memorial for her, but it was clear that DH''s dad wasn''t happy about it. We were thinking of putting up pictures of both sets of parents, or lighting a candle at the reception, but we didn''t for the sake of DH''s dad.

What I wish I HAD done is this:
The morning of our wedding my mom gave me a necklace to wear that day, it was a chain with my parents'' and grandparents'' wedding bands on it. I WISH I had known she was planning on doing that, because it would have been *perfect* to wear MIL''s wedding band with the others. Subtle, but meaningful.
It broke my heart, because DH immediately said "Oh, I wish I had my mom''s ring here so you could wear that, too" when he saw the chain.

FIL and BIL and DH all mentioned her in their speeches, and they all cried when they did, so she was there in memory, at the very least.

 

[Kelli]

I''ve done butterfly releases before, just for fun with my nieces. I''m pretty sure they were all alive. This thread is hitting me at such a weird time. My dad (who I''ve always been extremely close with) passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack less than three weeks ago at the age of 53. I didn''t say anything here because I very seriously do not want a thread about it. (Pricescope has been such a nice place to come and think about something else, and other than this particular thread, it''s a lot easier to not discuss it at all.) Aside from being the best dad I could ever ask for, he was also a wonderful Grandpa to my two nieces. He even wrote poems about them and made up little songs he sang to them One of the last things he did with them was take them to a butterfly garden with my mom, and they brought some butterflies home with them to do a release the next day. They enjoyed it so much that my parents planted an entire butterfly garden in their backyard for the girls to enjoy. My dad was hesitant about doing it at first, then would text my mom whenever he saw butterflies and tell her that planting it was such a great idea The weirdest thing is, it seems that butterflies are following us everywhere we go since this happened. I''m sure it''s probably just the right season for them, but it''s really bringing my mom a sense of peace that I am ever so grateful for, as they''ve been married for almost thrity four years. She had suggested to me (BEFORE my dad''s passing), that we do a butterfly release at the wedding just because it would be pretty. My fiance shot it down because he didn''t want anything over the top, and I kind of agreed. Now I''m thinking it might be a nice thing to do, if only because I think it would make my mom happy. She''s really sentimental and spiritual about this kind of stuff.

On a side note, my brother got married less than a week after my dad''s death. Everything was paid for, and we all insisted my dad would have wanted him to still get married. His now wife''s family planned a dove release in his memory, which again I thought was going to be morbid and a little too much, but it turned out to be very nice and we got an absolutely breath-taking picture of it that we''ll now cherish forever.

Anway, sorry for the sad story, but I wanted to share the ideas with you guys. I was really looking forward to my dad walking me down the aisle, and even though I''m SO sad he can''t, I don''t think it has to be completely morbid to remember him at the wedding. We had so many happy memories with him, and I''d like to do something in remembrance of that.

 

[PrettyBlues]

I haven''t written on here in a long time, mainly because I was travelling for 9 weeks through Asia and then settling back home in Canada after four years in Australia, but I just feel like I had to write in this thread, especially after reading your post Kelli. My Mom passed away unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm exactly one month ago. Today is obviously a hard day, and this thread really hits home for me too. I got engaged in Hong Kong in March, and I am in the beginning stages of wedding planning. I have been trying to think about how I can do something to honour my Mom, but don''t want it be morbid. She was sooooo excited that my fiance and I are getting married, and truly loved him. Thanks for the ideas so far, and if anyone else has some, I would love to hear them.

Kelli, I offer my sincere condolences, I know how hard it is to lose a parent. We always need them, no matter how old we are. Big hugs.

 

[SapphireLover]

Kelli and PrettBlues- I am so sorry this touched such a nerve with you. My dad passed away at the end of September, and I know how weird and numb it feels without him being there. He had been unwell, and was in hospital, but we and the Drs never expected he would pass away, so it was a shock to us all. Every little day feels weird, when it was one week after, two weeks, one month etc.

Although we weren''t engaged when my dad passed away, we had been together for 5 years. I know he wanted us to get married, and when he had his accident and was ill, he asked me about why we weren''t married, and if we were getting married, what sort of wedding would we like. To be honest the whole thought of him not being there makes me feel sick. We are getting married to be a family and start a family of our own, and the fact that he isn''t here to see it makes me feel sick.

I think you are right about remembering without being morbid. I personally don''t like the ideas of candle lighting and now that I think about it, I couldn''t walk down the aisle to the song I suggested before as it would have me crying with snot down the aisle.

 

[Gypsy]

John's father had passed away and so had both of his grandparents. We did a "moment of rememberence for all that could not be with us today" at the ceremony which included those who had passed and those who just couldnt' make it. John wore his father's watch. And we did a memory table with flowers and candles at the reception. Didn't make a big to-do about it. It was just there, next to us. No one thought it was morbid, it was not super prominent. I mean... it was THERE (right next to the groom's family's head table) but there was no attention drawn to it, except by those who stopped by to privately pay their respects. It was our way of 'giving them a seat' at the reception, but not drawing attention with empty seats or anything. The pictures were all of happy times. And we got many compliments on it (from both sides of the family).

Here are some pics.

 

[fieryred33143]

I ordered blue ribbon pins from the American Cancer Society and am having each guest wear one in honor of my father who passed away from Colon Cancer (choices were blue or brown...didn''t like the brown).

When we were planning a bigger wedding, we were not going to do favors but instead the pins and a card that said a donation had been made.

 

[SapphireLover]

I like the idea of making a charity donation in their name instead of leaving favours.

 

[FrekeChild]

But of our mothers passed away, FI''s mom in 2005 a few months before we met, and mine in December. I don''t know what to do, because we won''t do candles or any other ceremony stuff, and we aren''t having a traditional reception. I was thinking of maybe putting white roses on two empty chairs in the front row, but that seems a little...too much...

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I am planning on giving these to guests @ our wedding with individual notes in Memory of all the people we have lost, you light them up and release them into the sky. Fi really likes the idea, he lost his dad about 12 years ago, so i really wanted to do something special for him.

 

[Kelli]

Gypsy-- I think the table is a wonderful idea. It doesn''t seem like too much, but still leaves a place for people to go and "pay respects". And for SapphireLover, PrettyBlues, and everyone else on this thread who has lost a parent or close loved one, I''m so, so sorry. Up until three weeks ago I''ve been lucky enough to never know true pain like this. I know we''ll all be ok, but wow... Sometimes there just aren''t words.

I also like the idea of doing a donation in your guest''s names instead of favors. We requested donations to the American Heart Association instead of flowers for my Dad''s outdoor memorial service. I might do that instead of favors as well, since he was given a "clean bill of heart health" just before he had his heart attack. There is obviously way too much we still don''t know.

I''ve heard of leaving an empty seat and putting flowers on it before and always thought it sounded like a nice idea. But now, picturing my mom having to sit there and look at the empty seat all night just seems too sad.

She does balloon releases with my nieces at her house and we had all the young children do it at the memorial service. My nieces draw pictures to send up to him, and they all shouted "We love you, Grandpa" as they let them go at the service. I thought it was a really sweet thing for them to get to do, mostly because the kids themselves enjoyed it so much which is just what my dad would have wanted. For some reason, I''m thinking though that that''s an environmental no-no. Am I right about that? Because I certainly don''t want to do something like that if so.

 

[PrettyBlues]

SapphireLover - it touched a nerve, but it''s an important topic, and I am glad you brought it up. I am sorry for your loss, and for everyone on here who has been through this. It really is hard.

Gypsy, I also really like the idea of the table, so maybe I will do something like that. I have also been thinking about getting an aquamarine (her birthstone), making a ring or pendant, and wearing that so I have my own private way to honour her.

While the idea of walking down the aisle to a song she loved or having an empty chair would be meaningful, I think it would reduce me to a blubbering mess and make me way too sad, so I don''t think I could personally do it.

Kelli, I like the idea of a balloon release, but for me more than an environmental issue would be that I think that while my family would take something from it, maybe his family would feel a bit silly doing it? They haven''t even met her, so their sadness about what happened is more about me than her, if that makes any sense. But for other people it may work. As far as the environmental aspect is concerned, maybe other people can offer advice?

 

[Kelli]

Date: 6/6/2009 12:43:47 PM
Author: PrettyBlues
SapphireLover - it touched a nerve, but it's an important topic, and I am glad you brought it up. I am sorry for your loss, and for everyone on here who has been through this. It really is hard.

Gypsy, I also really like the idea of the table, so maybe I will do something like that. I have also been thinking about getting an aquamarine (her birthstone), making a ring or pendant, and wearing that so I have my own private way to honour her.

While the idea of walking down the aisle to a song she loved or having an empty chair would be meaningful, I think it would reduce me to a blubbering mess and make me way too sad, so I don't think I could personally do it.

Kelli, I like the idea of a balloon release, but for me more than an environmental issue would be that I think that while my family would take something from it, maybe his family would feel a bit silly doing it? They haven't even met her, so their sadness about what happened is more about me than her, if that makes any sense. But for other people it may work. As far as the environmental aspect is concerned, maybe other people can offer advice?

At the memorial service, it was only the youngest children who did it, and that's how I'd do it at the wedding too (if I actually choose to do it).

 

[julabean]

Date: 6/5/2009 3:06:10 PM
Author: FrekeChild
But of our mothers passed away, FI''s mom in 2005 a few months before we met, and mine in December. I don''t know what to do, because we won''t do candles or any other ceremony stuff, and we aren''t having a traditional reception. I was thinking of maybe putting white roses on two empty chairs in the front row, but that seems a little...too much...

We went to a wedding a few years ago where the bride had lost her mother within the past few years. They did exactly this - they had a red rose on the corner most chair of the front row on the bride''s side, and then her brother-in-law sat next to it with his kids, then his dad set next to him, and the brides'' step-mom was on the other side of her dad. It was really quite touching.

 

[katamari]

It does take some of the fun out of the wedding planning for sure. It is the main reason why we are not having a traditional wedding or hiring a DJ. My dad died 26 years ago, when I was 6, and my stepdad died when I was 14. I would like to do something to honor them both, but I know it will really upset my mom, so I am torn. I only brought it up to her once and she had to hang up the phone because it made her so upset. I told her to bring it up again when she is ready, and (in less than 100 days out) I still haven''t heard anything from her.

My FI''s cousin had a recording of their grandfather singing the Lord''s Prayer and they played it at their wedding. No one knew they were doing it except FI''s dad because he had the recording. It was incredibly emotional, and even though there were lots of tears, it didn''t put a damper on the wedding at all.

 

[doodle]

I attached tiny pictures of passed loved ones to my bouquet with ribbon so they dangled down from the handle--technically, they walked me down the aisle.