ring advice for previously-maried BF...

[mjertl]

So, my boyfriend was married before when he was young, briefly. They've been over for like 4 years, she's engaged to someone new, they're not hostile by any means but they're also not friends, and I am very secure in his love for me. But I saw a picture on facebook (lame, I know...) of him with a wedding band on from back in the day, and I kinda broke down. I don't know why, it just made me sad, even though I know he loves me more than anything or anyone.
Well, the other night we were talking about wedding rings for him. He's not a fancy guy, and he just wants a simple WG band, not too thin and not too thick, without any other detailing. Fine, BUT, that's exactly what his former wedding band was... And it makes me kind of sad...
Our relationship is something completely different than his former relationship, and I guess I just wish he didn't want a ring that looks the same. I asked him about milgraining or different profiled edges (bezeled, flat, etc), but he really just wants a plain plain band, with a normally domed/rounded profile.
He has been so great about letting me get EXACTLY what I want in an engagement ring, I hate to be any less supportive. How should I handle this?
I am planning on a plain, unplated WG band myself to match my engagement band, and I guess we could have matching metals, and I already know exactly what I'll engrave inside his ring, but still... Anyone else deal with this in the past?

 

[SomethingSinful]

maybe you can have hidden birthstones placed in the inside of the band to make it even more different

 

[mjertl]

he specifically said no stones, and I don't think he'd really want them inside the band either...
I guess I should just "get over it," since I'd be upset if he didn't want me to have exactly the ring I wanted. He's going to wear it every day, and 10 years from now when he's been wearing my ring for >8 years, his ex will be a distant memory, but that ring will still be on his finger and he should like it.
still, I feel like if I had been married before and wanted the SAME size and shape stone, same setting, that'd be weird and everyone who knew and saw my ring would think it was weird. maybe it's different for men and women???

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

If he wanted to wear the EXACT band from his previous marriage, I could see being upset because of what it symbolizes. But it sounds like he'll be getting a new one, even if it looks the same. That's his taste. I think you should be supportive and realize that it is a new band, a new marriage, and a new start. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Circe]

he specifically said no stones, and I don't think he'd really want them inside the band either...
I guess I should just "get over it," since I'd be upset if he didn't want me to have exactly the ring I wanted. He's going to wear it every day, and 10 years from now when he's been wearing my ring for >8 years, his ex will be a distant memory, but that ring will still be on his finger and he should like it.
still, I feel like if I had been married before and wanted the SAME size and shape stone, same setting, that'd be weird and everyone who knew and saw my ring would think it was weird. maybe it's different for men and women???

::cough::

Well, while it didn't get to marriage, I was engaged once before getting it right ... and my engagement ring was actually very similar in style to both the ring I got engaged with, and my recent upgrade. I guess I can only say I'm remarkably consistent in my taste. And, from my perspective, it's actually healthy that while my tastes are what they are, looking at my pieces now never makes me think of that first failed relationship: the only associations I have are happy ones, related to my husband and the memories we've built together. I mean ... half of any relationship comes from the person wearing the ring, right? So, he brings the aesthetics: you and your relationship provide the meaning.

P.S. - Nobody, not even my jeweler daddy, ever noticed the stylistic resemblance. I think it'll be even less likely with, a) a man's ring, and, b) a man's ring in a classic style.

 

[MissStepcut]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I would definitely feel weird about it too. I think you should think about running the surprise stone thing past him. They sit flush, so there's really nothing to bother him or be noticeably different in any way. Heck, I'd think about just surprising him with your birthstone. Another thing you could think about is getting it made with Stuller X1 white gold, or a different karat gold, so at least *you* would know something is substantively different between this band and the last one. You could also think about getting a different width band.

 

[swingirl]

Have something engraved on the inside: your wedding date, yours and his initials, a phrase, something to personalize it. I understand your bf's position. My DH wanted picked a plain band and if he was married 5 more times he'd still want the same plain band.

 

[gem_anemone]

When we went wedding ring shopping my FI tried on like 20 rings before he finally found one that he kind of liked. Your BF may have already tried on a bunch of rings a long time ago and may *think* that the only ring he likes is a plain WG band. After you get engaged you could take him ring shopping to see if his tastes have changed. If he still wants the WG band it's probably because that's his style and I wouldn't let it bother you. I'm sure it has nothing to do with his previous marriage, but that he just likes what he likes.

Side note: my FI's ex still has pics up on FB of them from when they were dating (their relationship ended 4 years ago....dunno why she doesn't take them down... ). I snooped and wanted to barf at pics I saw of them kissing etc. So I totally feel you on that.

 

[blacksand]

Oh I know that feeling. My FI was married before and I'm totally secure in our relationship 99.999% of the time, but then he'll mention something out of the blue about how his ex had the most ugly snowboard covered in pink flowers and I'll go "...you went snowboarding with her?" Like it's supposed to be OUR thing, going snowboarding, and he shouln't ever have done that with anyone else. But it's a silly thing, of course he's gone snowboarding with other people before, because HE likes snowboarding. When I realize what a silly thing it is to get about that, I'm able to relax and let it go. I felt the same way when we were discussing wedding rings. He wants pretty much the same thing yours wants, which is pretty much exactly what he had with his ex. Well...that's the style he likes. We're buying a new ring, he's not going to wear the old one. We'll have it engraved with something meaningful for us. And we'll call it good. A lot of men have the same style ring, and it's especially common in his social circle. So he will have nearly the same ring he had before, but it will also be the same ring almost all of his male friends have. It's not particularly unique, and that's fine. He's not wearing it for decoration so much as he's wearing it to symbolize his marriage to me, and the aethestics of it just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. If he wanted to pull his old ring out of a box in the attic and just put it back on his finger, that would be inappropriate, but as long as you two are buying a new ring, I don't see a problem.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Have something engraved on the inside: your wedding date, yours and his initials, a phrase, something to personalize it. I understand your bf's position. My DH wanted picked a plain band and if he was married 5 more times he'd still want the same plain band.

+1 and if you can afford it what about Platinum?

 

[smithandrew209]

I'm a guy and give you a perspective from my end. I'm new this website to get some information about what to look for in my soon to be fiance's ring and stumbled on to this post.

He just wants something simple. That's it. He's not even making the emotional connection that what he wants is what he had in a ring. He doesn't care. To us it's like buying another car that we really liked when we were young. Don't put so much thought into it. The marriage is what means so much to us. We could give a crap what ring we wear as long as it's comfortable .

 

[mjertl]

Thanks for all your feedback guys, I really appreciate it.

No, he's definitely not going to be wearing his OLD band, in fact he's not even sure where it is. And he doesn't know exactly how many mm wide it was, just "not too thin, not too thick." And I really shouldn't worry about it. I just want the ring to be unique to US. And you guys are right, it will be, because it will symbolize our marriage...

We could afford platinum for his ring probably, and I'm sure he'd be OK with that. BUT, I really want our rings to be the same metal so they kind of match (I guess that's pretty important to me...), and because we splurged on my stone (and because I work with my hands a lot. So does he), my ring will be 14k WG, unplated (a WG paladium alloy). I'd like for his to be the same. I'm sure his old ring was probably plated, so this will be different at least.

Our only "disagreement" really is who loves whom more, and we worked out a "system" where he loves me more MWF, I love him more TRS, and we share Sunday... I'm going to engrave in his ring "I love you more. Everyday. Forever." If I can get all that to fit... We'll see. The ring will be special, I know, I should stop worrying...

This whole topic came up while discussing insurance for my ring though. He said his renters insurance covers up to 30k, and his ex's ring was on it before. Well, I know he has a bunch of her old jewelry in his bedside table, and I haven't mentioned it ever, so I said "was all her other jewelry that's in your bedside table on it too?" Well, he didn't even realize it was in there... (which, knowing him, I completely believe...) And he's kinda happy it is, because it's fairly expensive stuff - WG and precious stones (sapphires I think and maybe some diamonds) and pearls. None of it is my style, so whatever, BUT, he's never bought me jewelry (well, except for my very beautiful and expensive engagement ring I hope to be wearing in about 2 weeks... Also, he pays for EVERYTHING all the time when we're out, it's not like he doesn't otherwise spoil me), and I guess it kinda bothers me that he had bought her SO MUCH jewelry... We talked about it - he said he didn't think I was all that into jewelry and he loves that I'm not materialistic (true, his ex and I are likely VERY different...). Well, I'm not THAT into fancy jewelry, but I do have a friend who's an artist/jeweler who makes amazing WG and sterling jewelry that's fairly expensive, and I have several fantastic sets of earrings from her that I love, and also a few favorite necklaces. On a daily basis I don't even wear makeup, much less much jewelry, but I'm guessing he doesn't really realize that the jewelry I wear didn't come from a Claire's in the mall or something... I started crying, because I don't want him to think he needs to buy me things, and I certainly don't want to seem selfish or materialistic, but I also DO like jewelry, and would love a nice pair of diamond earrings, or a nice diamond pendant... I'm more a quality over quantity person. I just don't want him to think that I wouldn't love it if for a birthday or christmas or anniversary he got me a nice piece of jewelry that I'd wear probably daily forever, and brag to everyone about what a beautiful present my incredibly thoughtful boyfriend/fiance/husband got me...

Anyway, long vent. Sorry. I guess it can sometimes be emotional to admit that the person you love, who you know loves you too, has loved in the past. I'm lucky, because this man is very patient, and very willing to reassure me whenever I need it that he loves me more than anything. And he treats me like a princess. I guess I'm glad we can talk about this stuff, rather than fight about it. But it's still emotional...

Thanks for listening to me...

 

[texaskj]

Get over it or next thing you know he'll be telling you he doesn't want to wear a ring at all.

 

[missy]

Get over it or next thing you know he'll be telling you he doesn't want to wear a ring at all.

Umm, that's a bit harsh texaskj, don't you think? All mjertl was doing was sharing her feelings with us and asking for feedback/advice. If her FI cannot deal with her feelings about this how is he going to handle it when bigger issues/hardships occur during their lifetime together? This is a good start IMO to real life.

I guess it can sometimes be emotional to admit that the person you love, who you know loves you too, has loved in the past. I'm lucky, because this man is very patient, and very willing to reassure me whenever I need it that he loves me more than anything. And he treats me like a princess. I guess I'm glad we can talk about this stuff, rather than fight about it. But it's still emotional...

mjertl, I totally understand how you are feeling and I am glad you and your FI are working it out together and with empathy and love.
Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

 

[mjertl]

Umm, that's a bit harsh texaskj, don't you think?

Thank you Missy...
This is not a major point of contention in our relationship by any means, and certainly not something we fight about... But it is something that's uncharted territory to me, and a little emotionally-charged. Since this is a place where people talk about engagements and wedding rings, I thought those who have gone before me might have some sage words of wisdom. "Getting over it" is exactly what I plan to do, because I love this man and our wedding is about our love and our plans for a life together, not about our rings... I'm definitely not concerned he's going to be breaking up with me over this! (or anything else)

 

[Jessie702]

My FI has been married 2 before. Once when he was 20, and than 6 Years ago. His first band was plain, his second had 3 stones, and this time he wants like 5 and two toned like my ring. I know its hard to deal with the fact, that your SO was with someone before, but maybe do like an upgrade of the metal, and a engraving. That way its like he upgraded to you, and is happy at where he is at. Do something small to his WB that makes it uniquely you, even if he wants the same thing.

Okay, maybe an upgrade isnt the best idea or thought, but i couldnt firgure out how to rephase it.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

This probably won't be very helpful, but I asked my husband about this scenario and told him to answer honestly and not how he would think I would want him to answer...

He said he could understand your point of view more and that he feels your soon-to-be should be open to finding something different. That surprised me in some ways, but not in others. I told him how I felt (I identify more with your guy), and he stuck with his initial feelings. I guess what I'm saying is that it's possible for each of you to be right, depending on who you ask. :þ

Based on what you've said though, I think even you realize it's more about you not being his "first" wife and coming to terms with that. Your man obviously loves you, but I would caution against putting him in a position where he feels like he constantly has to prove it. This is your issue. He's not comparing your relationship to his prior, but you are ("You want to wear the same type of ring." "You don't buy me jewelry.").

My advice? She's in his past; leave her there. You'll both be much happier. If it helps, think of yourself as his first true love. Or TheRealThing™, baby.

 

[missy]

If it helps, think of yourself as his first true love. Or TheRealThing™, baby.

Or, more importantly, know that you are his last(ing) love. Most of us have spouses who have had something of a past unless you met them when you were a teenager and then married him/her without any other relationships. It doesn't bother me because we have lived and that is what led us to each other. Without all my past experiences I would not have met and been ready to marry my dh. And ditto for him. So, I know that while I may not have been his only love, I am his last love- as he is mine. And that is what matters.

 

[Bliss]

You are his UPGRADE! The first one was just practice before he met The Real Thing: You!

I thank my ex every day for showing me how awesome my husband is. Having a past only makes me treasure my future with DH more. I bet being married before only helped him see what is RIGHT for him. When men are in love, they're in LOVE and no one is in his mind or his heart but YOU! You, you, you!!! The band was just practice for the band YOU will put on his finger. THAT is the real band, the one true band for life. Congrats on getting engaged soon!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

If his old band was WG get it in platinum, if the old was platinum go with WG, there's always a way to change it up. He may not want stones but you could always get it engraved on the inside. Good luck!

 

[Amys Bling]

If he wanted to wear the EXACT band from his previous marriage, I could see being upset because of what it symbolizes. But it sounds like he'll be getting a new one, even if it looks the same. That's his taste. I think you should be supportive and realize that it is a new band, a new marriage, and a new start. Don't sweat the small stuff.

couldnt have said it better myself. He likes what he likes. He is getting a new band- new marriage. I understand that you dont want it to look like the same ring, but that is his taste.

 

[mjertl]

thank you all for your feedback - it helped me to realize that it's not really weird for him to want the same style as before. He and I talked about it a little more, and he will get whatever he wants, and it will be in metal to match my rings (unplated WG), with engraving from me on the inside. I love him a lot and want him to be as happy with the ring that will be on his finger for the rest of his life, as we are with each other