rough patches, doubts and questions- ever been there?

[love_sparkles]

I am a complete, 100% control freak with neuroses up the wazoo. I have a tendency to sabotage every relationship I've ever been in, nitpicking for flaws, etc. This is the first relationship I haven't ruined...yet. I'm not engaged but we are well on the path of getting engaged & I'm starting to freak out.

I guess I need some advice & thoughts because I can't talk about these things with my girlfriends who all *claim* to have perfect relationships. Do people have that? I have to believe that they don't but then I wonder if I'm just telling myself that so I can settle with my current SO.

We've been together almost 3 years, living together for 1, & we clicked immediately. It was uncanny & has always felt right. I love him dearly & ours is the only relationship I haven't wanted to end for tiny reasons. But I'm worried about him/us. I don't know if it's "ok" to talk about these things here but what the heck, right? He has next to no...drive. We are affectionate & touchy, but I think it is mostly initiated by me. As for the other stuff, I think he would be happy with once a week & I have always been under the impression that guys were supposed to be much more into it than that. It has always been this way & I've asked him all the questions- if it's me he finds unattractive, if he's gay, if he's depressed, too stressed. He's been to the doctor & checks out fine. Not hearing him tell me he thinks I'm beautiful, not having him grab my butt from time to time, wanting to spy on me naked from time to time...it makes me feel like less of a woman! I just want to feel feminine & desirable. I feel horrible guilt writing it because I know he loves me & tells me all the time, but I just wonder if we will get engaged & married &, one day, realize we are just roommates. I feel our relationship is lacking romance & passion.

I've mentioned it to him many times. He agrees that it's putting a damper on our relationship but neither one of us really knows how to handle it. He says he's very attracted to me but his drive is just lower than mine. He listens to my concerns, lets me be the crazy anxious person that I am, & still says there will be romance; I just have to give him a chance. Well, I have but I haven't seen it! This is the other thing that concerns me. He simply has no follow through on some things. He pays his bills on time, he is responsible with work...where it counts as an adult. But when it comes to our relationship, I feel he's just starting to slack off a bit &, again, it makes me freak out about our future. I definitely feel as though he takes me & our relationship for granted at times. We live together & it's as if we were married- the spark & passion of our early dating days seem to be missing. But then we'll have a great conversation or a really fun date night or he'll do something funny & I'm reminded that he IS the person I want to be with.

Is this what a rough patch feels like & does it mean we are doomed that we're not even married & we're going through one? I know this is a forum where we focus on all of the happy memories & exciting times, but is this what *all* real relationships are like? I have no good relationship "role models," as my parents are very very unhappily married. I fear that my fate is turning into them.

 

[swingirl]

Does he mind if you initiate things more often? Is he just not an initiator or is he not interested and that''s then end of that. Only you can decide how this will affect your feelings years down the road. Was there ever a time when you were perfectly satisfied with the way things were? Sometimes both people have to compromise. But there are also some issues that you don''t want to have to compromise on before you are even married especially if you are at extreme ends of the spectrum.

 

[customcushion]

I only read the first bit.

If a girl asked me If I was gay, I wouldn''t want to have sex with her very often.

 

[Hera]

I think what you are talking about is quite normal as some men just don''t want to have sex as much as others. I think you''ll just have to accept that he''s one of those guys and maybe think he expresses his intimacy in other ways. What I think you''re noticing also is that your relationship is changing as they do after a certain time together. While you may be missing the tearing-your-clothes-off beginning of a sexual relationship, it can be seen as replaced with a comfortable, more intimate sexual relationship. I do think you''re being a little critical and asking him if he''s gay is not going to help the situation and will not ummmm inspire him. Maybe you could spice things up with a vacation or sexy lingerie or something.


While you are looking for what''s normal, you might want to look at things in a different light. If you focus on what IS happy and exciting in your relationship, maybe you could stop focusing on what''s wrong with your relationship. No one''s going to be perfect....

 

[allycat0303]

I read an article on this a few days ago. It talked about how 45% of woman have a higher drive then their SO, and that caused some problems in the relationship. I don't think he's gay, because you are intimate. It sounds to me like discordant drives, and you are feeling down about this i.e, non desireable. I read that feeling was common, and then society always says *men are supposed to be into it* they suggested affection etc., and to take that as a sign of love/desire. There doesn't seem to be an ideal solution to this.

 

[Pandora II]

Society constantly tells us that men should always be up for it and that it's the woman who should have the 'headache' etc not the other way round.

It can therefore be a shock when you are with a man who is not the proverbial rabbit all the time.

DH has a considerably lower drive than many of my previous partners and it did worry me at the beginning - I thought he perhaps wasn't attracted to me. I was also his first ever girlfriend so I had nothing to balance it against ie was it always like this or only with me.

A lot of the time we have been very stressed or tired or just not in the mood, but we have got to the point where occasionally we've suddenly realised it's been 6 weeks or more...

I even discussed it with my father (he's a doctor) and his answer was that some people are just like that and I have to look at my own feelings and whether I am happy with the situation or not. I was very happy, but had worried that it was a sign of a relationship with problems.

When I really thought it through, I realised that a lot of the time in previous relationships sex was what happened everytime any kind of intimacy began - even if all I wanted was a hug. I also realised I had been using it as a way of controlling a relationship, of proving to myself that the guy found me attractive and as a way of making up after arguements.

DH and I are very physically affectionate with each other. I get a huge amount of hugs and cuddles which ultimately are far more loving and expressive of our feelings for each other than rampant swinging from the chandeliers!

My sister and her husband have huge problems with his lack of interest and her huge frustrations about it - their children were born a day apart and when I said they were allowed to have sex more than once a year, the look on her face made me realise I had hit a sore point (both kids were conceived at xmas). But, they have very little other physical affection in their relationship and he uses withholding sex as a weapon.

We have agreed that we need to spend a bit more time in bed together if we want to have a baby, but otherwise we really are very happy trogging along the way we are. I regard our relationship as pretty much as perfect as I could ever get.


You should never 'settle' for anyone. I had niggly doubts in my mind about all my previous serious relationships, but once DH and I became serious (I moved in after 3 months) I never had the slightest doubt of any kind about whether he was right for me.

One thing that is a good idea, especially if you live together, is to go on dates once a fortnight or so. Take it in turns to plan it, dress up and go out for a nice dinner etc. If you don't take the time to celebrate your relationship, you can end up just taking each other for granted.

 

[LaraOnline]

Some guys are not anywhere near as ''motivated'' as the media would have you believe.
I wouldn''t stress about that... unless you found there were some other mitigating behaviours or expectations that would make you unhappy (like dressing in rubber / him going online to "chat")

Anyway, I think that perhaps as part of our user agreement we can''t talk about stuff like this tooooo directly,(?) and I love Pricescope, so say no more!

Like your other answer-ers, I would say that if you''re happy, and he''s happy, there''s no problem.

Perhaps it shows that he''s a more considerate, careful and genuine fellow, being that little more reserved?

 

[purrfectpear]

All men do not meet the media hype. Once a week is pretty average on the whole. It''s only a problem if it''s a problem for you, and only you can make that decision.

It sounds like the rest of the relationship is solid. Just make sure you evaluate your relationship based on what makes YOU happy, not what some magazine or TV program says you should have

 

[Lauren8211]

I know how you're feeling. BF and I have been together nearly 3 years, living together for around a year and a half. We've had the same "drive" issue, but it was on my end and not his. It really freaked me out because I've NEVER had an issue in that department. It was actually quite the opposite with my last boyfriend, but he was really terrible to me. And that made me think. Why would I be all over my horrible my boyfriend, and not so much with my boyfriend who loves me very, very much? I think it was because I actually became comfortable in the relationship. I'm happy with him being my best friend and living day to day with him. He makes me really happy. I think I was using a physical relationship before to justify a bad relationship, and now I don't feel that to be necessary.

That said, it still is an issue. I don't want to just be "content." I do want passion. I honestly think that a lot of people aren't having as much sex as they'd like you to think they are. After some time, things are GOING to die down, if you're happy with that, fine, but in your situation - you're not. So you need to address it. You have to talk to him. You can't have that crazy passion you had at the beginning for the rest of your lives. If you did, NOTHING would ever get done!! But you can have passion!

And to be honest, I think almost everyone gets a little scared or has doubts. I mean this is MARRIAGE that you're talking about. This is a lifetime commitment. I'm too scared to get a tattoo, so of course I'm going to mull over whether or not to marry. I'm scared out of my mind about it, and being a neurotic control freak much like you, I analyze the crap out of it. But at the end of the day, I think he's adorable, funny, smart, and charming. I love him to death. I consider this portion of the relationship to be the part where you decide you're in it. Marriage is a lot of work, and if you can't get through some doubts or dryspells, I'd be concerned. There WILL BE doubts or dryspells throughout marriage.

Obviously you know your situation better than anyone. If it's a seriously nagging "This is wrong" voice in your head, that's different than "Im scared of this commitment because sometimes he leaves his socks on the floor and we've gone 3 weeks without sex" fear. So just listen to your heart, but don't be afraid of the fact that maybe a little passion has gone. That really IS normal.

Ok. Rant over.

 

[matildawong]

hi lovesparkles,

My FI has little drive compared to my own. It has been our biggest issue to work through and I have no great answers. Like Pandora, I am also the recipient of tons of hugs, cuddles, kisses and affection from my own FI. I am not great at relationships and I''m pretty neurotic so I thrive on reassurance. Sometimes the hugs and stuff just don''t cut it and I want reassurance that I am sexy or whatever. That''s when his lack of drive really upsets me most because I have to initiate. Who wants to initiate when they want to feel desired by the man? You know?

I wish I had some terrific insight. We still struggle with this -- a fight last night, in fact! But the night ended well.

I really like what Pandora had to say about this. Her post was thoughtful and insightful. Thanks Pandora!

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/6/2008 3:03:19 AM
Author:love_sparkles

I am a complete, 100% control freak with neuroses up the wazoo. I have a tendency to sabotage every relationship I've ever been in, nitpicking for flaws, etc. This is the first relationship I haven't ruined...yet. I'm not engaged but we are well on the path of getting engaged & I'm starting to freak out.

I guess I need some advice & thoughts because I can't talk about these things with my girlfriends who all *claim* to have perfect relationships. Do people have that? I have to believe that they don't but then I wonder if I'm just telling myself that so I can settle with my current SO.

We've been together almost 3 years, living together for 1, & we clicked immediately. It was uncanny & has always felt right. I love him dearly & ours is the only relationship I haven't wanted to end for tiny reasons. But I'm worried about him/us. I don't know if it's 'ok' to talk about these things here but what the heck, right? He has next to no...drive. We are affectionate & touchy, but I think it is mostly initiated by me. As for the other stuff, I think he would be happy with once a week & I have always been under the impression that guys were supposed to be much more into it than that. It has always been this way & I've asked him all the questions- if it's me he finds unattractive, if he's gay, if he's depressed, too stressed. He's been to the doctor & checks out fine. Not hearing him tell me he thinks I'm beautiful, not having him grab my butt from time to time, wanting to spy on me naked from time to time...it makes me feel like less of a woman! I just want to feel feminine & desirable. I feel horrible guilt writing it because I know he loves me & tells me all the time, but I just wonder if we will get engaged & married &, one day, realize we are just roommates. I feel our relationship is lacking romance & passion.

I've mentioned it to him many times. He agrees that it's putting a damper on our relationship but neither one of us really knows how to handle it. He says he's very attracted to me but his drive is just lower than mine. He listens to my concerns, lets me be the crazy anxious person that I am, & still says there will be romance; I just have to give him a chance. Well, I have but I haven't seen it! This is the other thing that concerns me. He simply has no follow through on some things. He pays his bills on time, he is responsible with work...where it counts as an adult. But when it comes to our relationship, I feel he's just starting to slack off a bit &, again, it makes me freak out about our future. I definitely feel as though he takes me & our relationship for granted at times. We live together & it's as if we were married- the spark & passion of our early dating days seem to be missing. But then we'll have a great conversation or a really fun date night or he'll do something funny & I'm reminded that he IS the person I want to be with.

Is this what a rough patch feels like & does it mean we are doomed that we're not even married & we're going through one? I know this is a forum where we focus on all of the happy memories & exciting times, but is this what *all* real relationships are like? I have no good relationship 'role models,' as my parents are very very unhappily married. I fear that my fate is turning into them.

The fact that your SO's drive is different than yours is natural. I have a significantly lower drive than DH... I know there are a number of ladies on this board who have different (higher/lower)drives than their SOs. It's normal... annoying, but normal nonetheless. The key point is to remember that you need to respect each other's differences and work together to keep an open communication flow about the situation. Non-accusatory, non-threatening language is key... asking your SO if he's gay, questioning his manhood, or expecting him to conform to stereotypes is not a good way to approach the topic; it will only make him shut down, feel less "in the mood", and feel defensive. It's not fair for either one of you to blame the other for something that's natural; you just need to figure out a way to compromise in a way that satisfies you both without putting too much weight on one person. Now I'm not sayig tat you two necessarily ned it at this point, but couples counseling is always an option... nothing is wrong with counseling, it shows a dedication to one another and the relationship to want to really work things out.

Regarding the "the spark and passiong" concern, the novelty of a new relationship fades. It's natural. Reltionship are change over time. They go through phases where things are little more trying, a little dull, a tad difficult, and other times when things are easy, fun, and fabulous. The strong relationships survive these very natural ebbs and flows. It takes work to maintain a relationship (and your sanity, sometimes

) during the hard times. It is necessary, though, to understand that novelty wears, people get moody, changes occur, and that realtionships are work. You have to stick out the tough times to enjoy the good times.

Hugs!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

First off, no one has a perfect relationship.

Now for your issues. My guy was the same way. He never grabbed my hand, never initiated hugs or kisses, nothing. I was always the one seeking. And it got to a point where I just stopped all together and he wondered why he wasn’t getting his normal kisses and hugs. I explained to him that it’s a 2 way street and he explained to me that he just “isn’t like that.” And he isn’t. His is a quiet affection. But I told him that it bothered me and he changed completely. Now, I can’t get him off of me and when I walk in and don’t give him a kiss right away he gets angry. He still has issues with PDA which is fine because I’m not too big on PDA myself. I think the key in getting the affection you want is to talk to him about it and that he is willing to change. After 3 years, he may think its totally acceptable to not hug or hold hands.

As for the “once a week” thing, that’s normal. Not all men are created equal. Some can have multiple times a day, every day. Others can’t. Doesn’t mean he’s not any more normal than the next guy.

I think you guys need to take baby steps. You don’t want the kind of affection that is forced and pressuring him to change will lead to that forced love. You guys need to find what made the relationship spark from the very beginning, what made it exciting. That’s not going to happen overnight.

 

[KCCutie]

I''m surprised someone hasn''t already said this.....do you think he would be up for a little couples counseling?

I know that counseling won''t change his drive but it can help both of you see how it''s affecting things and learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. You''ve admitted you can be a control freak and quite neurotic at times and I think everyone can be, but maybe it''s the fact that you can''t control this one little thing that makes you anxious about it. Whether he goes with you or not maybe talking this through with a professional will make you feel better about it all. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and maybe all you need a little help to get past this one bump, and if that''s all you need it''so worth going to get it.

Just my $0.02.

 

[appletini]

love sparkles, my DH is like he has very low drive but mine is very high. He is always very affectionate and sweet and tells me how great I look, he just doesnt'' want to rip my clothes off. We laugh all the time, and thats the only part of our relationship that I have an issue with. While it does bother me, if thats the only thing I have to complain about, well I''d rather it be that than anything else. No relationship is going to be perfect, but what matters most is that y''all are happy together and bring out the best in each other. Ask yourself what you''d be willing to sacrifice in a man and a relationship and wonder if its really worth it?

Also on a sidenote is your BF taking propecia? Low-drive/lack of ability is a common side effect.

 

[absolut_blonde]

It is normal for things to wax & wane in a relationship. Things won't always stay as exciting as in the beginning. But the end result in a good relationship is a deeper, stronger bond. It might be more 'mellow', but I find it infinitely more satisfying. It's a different type of intimacy. SO and I are just entering that stage right now and I'm really enjoying it. We still have the physical aspect, albeit not the same as the first few months, but we're growing closer emotionally as well.

And like everyone said, differences in drive are not necessarily cause for concern. That said, I've been in your shoes (with an ex) and I know that it can be difficult not to take it personally at times. Sometimes I felt just plain rejected, which is not fun. However, 1x a week is not abnormal and is still more than many longterm couples. Perhaps you two could work out a compromise? Maybe he could try to initiate a bit more?

However, you said you feel like he is slacking off in the romance department -- personally, I'd take a bit more issue with that. In my personal experience, some guys really DO get lazy in an LTR (as do some women, I'm sure). They may not even realize they are doing it, or they may be taking you for granted. I think people lose sight of the fact that you have to continue to 'woo' your partner, even once the relationship is established.

But are you sure he is slacking off, or does he simply have different ways of expressing his affection? For example, some people are more into expressing things verbally, whereas others express themselves by acts of love or even giving gifts. If you two differ in that sense, it's easy to miss the other person's attempts. If this isn't the case, though, then I'd talk to him about it. Agree to go on one 'date night' per week. When he DOES do romantic things, give positive reinforcement (even if it's something small like him cooking you dinner one evening). You could even sign up for a class together or try a new activity. Sometimes it just takes something like that to shake things up a bit.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

I''m gonna start off by saying that while no one has a "perfect" relationship, I do think that if two people are meant to be together, it just works and flows most of the time and doesn''t take a whole lot of effort. I''ve been in relationships where both of us were just working at it ALL the time and I just don''t think that''s what it''s supposed to be like. So while good relationships may not be entirely "perfect" they can get pretty damn close...

As for the sex drives, like someone previously said, if he''s happy with about once a week or so, then he''s obviously not gay or uninterested, he just has a lower sex drive. It''s completely unfair that society has deemed men as "always up for it" because really, many of them aren''t. Also, I didn''t read everyone''s replies so I''m not sure if these questions were asked, but how old are the two of you? How sexually experienced was he before your relationship? Do you know if he has certain beliefs which make him feel weird about having sex outside of marriage? And does he have the kind of job and/or school schedule that leaves him a very tired guy? Many if not all of these things may be factors in his sex drive.

Also, if you figure out that despite the sex issue, (which actually is going to be pretty important down the road if you two end up getting married) that he is the one you want to marry, then you are really going to need to get a hold on your "100% control freak" mindset. Marriages are about equality and compromise and one person cannot be the boss and the controller of all things.

As for couples counseling... I actually think that you may want to go to counseling by yourself first. You said that you have a habit of sabotaging relationships and that you don''t really have a good relationship role model, so if you want to get some better relationship habits and learn why it is that you are such a control freak and how to deal with it better, I think it would be a great idea for you to go to counseling and work on yourself before you try to work on the relationship.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 8/6/2008 10:49:35 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling
I''m gonna start off by saying that while no one has a ''perfect'' relationship, I do think that if two people are meant to be together, it just works and flows most of the time and doesn''t take a whole lot of effort. I''ve been in relationships where both of us were just working at it ALL the time and I just don''t think that''s what it''s supposed to be like. So while good relationships may not be entirely ''perfect'' they can get pretty damn close...

As for the sex drives, like someone previously said, if he''s happy with about once a week or so, then he''s obviously not gay or uninterested, he just has a lower sex drive. It''s completely unfair that society has deemed men as ''always up for it'' because really, many of them aren''t. Also, I didn''t read everyone''s replies so I''m not sure if these questions were asked, but how old are the two of you? How sexually experienced was he before your relationship? Do you know if he has certain beliefs which make him feel weird about having sex outside of marriage? And does he have the kind of job and/or school schedule that leaves him a very tired guy? Many if not all of these things may be factors in his sex drive.

Also, if you figure out that despite the sex issue, (which actually is going to be pretty important down the road if you two end up getting married) that he is the one you want to marry, then you are really going to need to get a hold on your ''100% control freak'' mindset. Marriages are about equality and compromise and one person cannot be the boss and the controller of all things.

As for couples counseling... I actually think that you may want to go to counseling by yourself first. You said that you have a habit of sabotaging relationships and that you don''t really have a good relationship role model, so if you want to get some better relationship habits and learn why it is that you are such a control freak and how to deal with it better, I think it would be a great idea for you to go to counseling and work on yourself before you try to work on the relationship.

Totally, totally agree. My mother always told me and my sisters that if we had to work hard at a relationship before marriage then we shouldn''t be getting married to that person in the first place!

I also second the idea of having some individual counselling before couples counselling. Going straight in together could cause one or other of you to say some hurtful things out of frustration or defensiveness that could harm your relationship. Its a good idea to have a handle on your own thoughts and feelings first!

I''m a natural control freak so I do understand that mindset! Its hard to relax and let go, but sometimes you have to!

 

[love_sparkles]

Hi, everyone! Thank you to everyone for all of the replies & words of advice. Sometimes I feel like it's kinda hard to be me- I am definitely in my head & it affects my ability to do the whole relationship thing. With my current SO, the kicking in of my neurotic behavior was much more delayed than in my past relationships, but it seems to be here nonetheless. Lucky for me, SO is fully aware of the way I am (there's no hiding it!

) & is accepting of me just the same. I know that I should be willing to offer him the same acceptance. A few things...

swingirl- Part of the issue is that I don't initiate very much anymore. I have in the past, only to get rejected or shut down if he's feeling too tired or not in the mood. I know it doesn't help the issue, but I very frequently wait for him to start things off. As far as being satisfied, there were times when I was so satisfied with the other aspects of our relationship that I didn't worry too much about this one, but I have definitely always been aware of our differences in this area. I just didn't put it under the microscope like I am doing today.

customcushion, heraanderson- I agree. When I said I asked him if he was gay, it was definitely a low point. We were in the middle of an argument about this exact thing and I was crying my eyes out. I've never been on this end of the spectrum before & it's taken a bit of a hit on my self-esteem. I think it was posed more as a "these are all of the things I fear" kind of question. Obviously, he said this was nowhere near the case, but knowing where I am coming from, he didn't seem to get offended. I don't think he's withholding based on resentment of my asking. Lingerie & spicing it up on vacation does work to some extent, but a girl can only do so much!

allycat- 45%!? Wow, I wonder if those are accurate figures. I feel like no one ever talks about these kinds of things & it just makes me feel so...abnormal.

Any chance you remember where that article came from?

Pandora- Thank you. It sounds like you & I are in similar situations. It's so great that you were able to ask your father about it! I don't talk to my parents much & we don't have anything resembling a close relationship. I definitely feel like I get "in my head" a lot about my relationships & don't have anyone to help me sort stuff out. I guess my fear is that we will come to have a relationship like you describe your sister having, in which we simply lose all intimacy with one another. I'd like to say it won't matter but it will to me. It just seems that if we are already here, it can only go downhill 5, 10, etc. years from now. I know, I'm pessimistic & I'm not proud of that.

lara, purrfectpear- Thank you! We do have a pretty solid relationship overall. He is a very genuine person & has so many qualities that I completely respect & admire. I guess that's where the trouble comes because I attack the other stuff!

Elledizzy- Good stuff. I agree with you on the living together & becoming comfortable thing. We spend so much time together on the couch at night, watching tv or talking, that he's often just too tired & content to even think about the other stuff. We talk a lot about making more time for *us* but we both need to try harder. Life gets in the way, doesn't it? Wish I could just take 6 months off with him & go to Bora Bora, sit in a hut all day & be in love.

matildawong- We are the same person. Let's be friends!

Really though, I identify with everything you said!

aprilcait, kccutie- We actually have discussed couple's counseling. Most people go through premarital counseling through their churches before marriage but neither of us is particularly religious. We both agreed (well, he eventually...) that it would be good to have an impartial party help us see where each other is coming from with regard to this, improve our communication skills when times get tough and all that jazz. We haven't made an appointment yet, but I've gotten some numbers together. It does feel like we're "doomed" in a way, though, to go see someone while we're still dating. I wonder what the counselor would think of us? But alas, that's just another one of my neuroses. In general, I think counseling is a great idea & I have often toyed with the idea of going for individual therapy to help me figure out some of the things with my mom & how it's affected my ability to deal with relationships & my overall anxiety about things. I'm anxious about everything

and it sort of rules my life. He is the exact opposite.

fieryred- I'm glad you've seen a change! I agree that baby steps are needed- we are actually going on a date night tonight! I've learned to be much more vocal & upfront about what I need in our relationship rather than letting him guess at it. It's helping.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/6/2008 11:18:23 AM
Author: love_sparkles

fieryred- I''m glad you''ve seen a change! I agree that baby steps are needed- we are actually going on a date night tonight! I''ve learned to be much more vocal & upfront about what I need in our relationship rather than letting him guess at it. It''s helping.

Have fun on your date night! Seriously, it did take us baby steps. He hated holding hands but when he didn''t, it made me feel unwanted. So I would grab his hand while crossing the street or if we were walking somewhere. He would let go and then I would go back and hold his hand again. It would make him laugh but I did it. Now, he always holds my hand. He''ll be walking ahead of me sometimes (he has super long legs LOL) and he''ll reach his hand back so that I can grab it which I absolutely love. It seriously took a good year to 1.5 years to get him to do that. And his hand didn''t fall off, the earth didn''t cease to exist, and he''s still very much a man

Men...LOL

 

[love_sparkles]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 200px">Date: 8/6/2008 11:26:18 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Have fun on your date night! Seriously, it did take us baby steps. He hated holding hands but when he didn''t, it made me feel unwanted. So I would grab his hand while crossing the street or if we were walking somewhere. He would let go and then I would go back and hold his hand again. It would make him laugh but I did it. Now, he always holds my hand. He''ll be walking ahead of me sometimes (he has super long legs LOL) and he''ll reach his hand back so that I can grab it which I absolutely love. It seriously took a good year to 1.5 years to get him to do that. And his hand didn''t fall off, the earth didn''t cease to exist, and he''s still very much a man

Men...LOL

Ha! I love this! I guess it just goes to show that as partners, we have to get in tune with what the other wants. He probably enjoys it now...maybe?

Also, I wanted to ask absolut_blonde, did you read Five Love Languages? I actually checked it out of our library a few weeks ago & both of us read it. I totally subscribed to what the author said & we realized that a lot of my complaints are because I''m getting close proximity time with him but not the *quality time* that I enjoy so much. He is words of affirmation & he gets plenty, so he''s super happy. Ironically enough, he is also physical touch...he is very touchy, he just doesn''t want to rip my clothes off all the time!

If that''s not what you''re referring to in your post, I highly recommend the book anyway!

Oh, & pearldahhhling- I am 27, he is 26. We are both fairly inexperienced, though we''re not each other''s firsts. No issues on either of our parts about sex before marriage, though my mother still believes we are "just living together." Eek. He does have a fairly fast-paced job & gets up early every day. He falls asleep on the couch a lot! I know this plays a part.

 

[love_sparkles]

Date: 8/6/2008 10:45:13 AM
Author: appletini
love sparkles, my DH is like he has very low drive but mine is very high. He is always very affectionate and sweet and tells me how great I look, he just doesnt'' want to rip my clothes off. We laugh all the time, and thats the only part of our relationship that I have an issue with. While it does bother me, if thats the only thing I have to complain about, well I''d rather it be that than anything else. No relationship is going to be perfect, but what matters most is that y''all are happy together and bring out the best in each other. Ask yourself what you''d be willing to sacrifice in a man and a relationship and wonder if its really worth it?

Also on a sidenote is your BF taking propecia? Low-drive/lack of ability is a common side effect.

I can really relate to the first part of your response. When I am feeling a little anxious about things, I try to remind myself how great things are in many other areas of our relationship. He does bring out the best in me! I feel really lucky which is why I wish I could just get over this.

Also, no medications of any kind. I wondered about that too. Nada!

 

[sklingem]

Date: 8/6/2008 11:39:47 AM
Author: love_sparkles

Date: 8/6/2008 10:45:13 AM

Author: appletini

love sparkles, my DH is like he has very low drive but mine is very high. He is always very affectionate and sweet and tells me how great I look, he just doesnt'' want to rip my clothes off. We laugh all the time, and thats the only part of our relationship that I have an issue with. While it does bother me, if thats the only thing I have to complain about, well I''d rather it be that than anything else. No relationship is going to be perfect, but what matters most is that y''all are happy together and bring out the best in each other. Ask yourself what you''d be willing to sacrifice in a man and a relationship and wonder if its really worth it?


Also on a sidenote is your BF taking propecia? Low-drive/lack of ability is a common side effect.

I can really relate to the first part of your response. When I am feeling a little anxious about things, I try to remind myself how great things are in many other areas of our relationship. He does bring out the best in me! I feel really lucky which is why I wish I could just get over this.


Also, no medications of any kind. I wondered about that too. Nada!

" try to remind myself how great things are in many other areas of our relationship"

Hey love_sparkles, while I agree that not everything is perfect in a relationship, it is really important to see which relationship characteristics are the most important to you.
If it happens to be the physical side (which is totally fine) then I would take it very seriously ... looking away will, in that case, not resolve the issue!
R.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/6/2008 3:03:19 AM
Author:love_sparkles

I am a complete, 100% control freak with neuroses up the wazoo. I have a tendency to sabotage every relationship I've ever been in, nitpicking for flaws, etc. This is the first relationship I haven't ruined...yet.

Don't even need to know *anything* about your relationship to know that you'd be finding some kind of fault with ANY relationship. So I'd say individual counseling would be the way to go for you (IMHO of course). Forget about what partner you want to HAVE ... and concentrate on the kind of partner you want to BE first.

Whatever relationship you're in ... whether your engaged or not ... will be much, much improved by it - or - you'll be better able to leave one you're not happy in.


ETA: People can say "yes, dissimilar sex drives is normal" or whatever but, if you're as neurotic as you claim to be you'll just find NEW stuff to worry about ... until you learn techniques to talk yourself down it'll just be constant "is this ok" "what about this" "is this okay" "can I do better" blah blah. Forget the symptoms -- address the disease.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/6/2008 3:16:56 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/6/2008 3:03:19 AM
Author:love_sparkles

I am a complete, 100% control freak with neuroses up the wazoo. I have a tendency to sabotage every relationship I''ve ever been in, nitpicking for flaws, etc. This is the first relationship I haven''t ruined...yet.

Don''t even need to know *anything* about your relationship to know that you''d be finding some kind of fault with ANY relationship. So I''d say individual counseling would be the way to go for you (IMHO of course). Forget about what partner you want to HAVE ... and concentrate on the kind of partner you want to BE first.

Whatever relationship you''re in ... whether your engaged or not ... will be much, much improved by it - or - you''ll be better able to leave one you''re not happy in.


ETA: People can say ''yes, dissimilar sex drives is normal'' or whatever but, if you''re as neurotic as you claim to be you''ll just find NEW stuff to worry about ... until you learn techniques to talk yourself down it''ll just be constant ''is this ok'' ''what about this'' ''is this okay'' ''can I do better'' blah blah. Forget the symptoms -- address the disease.

And can I just add: once a week is too little? Why is once a week too little? (Or, for that matter, too much.) Way, way, way too much emphasis on *it* in your mind. Certainly, his desires (or what you consider a lack of) are not outside normal behavior.

If this is your only ''problem'', you can relax. You don''t have a problem. But if you''re creating problems where there are none, get to the bottom of it.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I was just going to say that! After 3 years, you are still having sex 1 a week, I think you are pretty good. Some couples go months and months without sex... I just heard on the radio the other day that almost half of couples go 8 months or longer without sex during some points in their relationship.

 

[radiantquest]

i dont want you to think that this is a thread jack, but pandora II said it all very well. i really like what she had to say

i am currently in a similar situation and feel that out relationship is great until someone tells me that we arent having sex enough.
talk to him and ask if it is an initiation thing or what. if you are happy until someone tell you that it isnt normal, ignore that and remember that your relationship is special because of you two, not the rest of the world and what they think is the norm.

 

[surfgirl]

pandora, I couldn''t have said that any better!

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/6/2008 6:25:09 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I was just going to say that! After 3 years, you are still having sex 1 a week, I think you are pretty good. Some couples go months and months without sex... I just heard on the radio the other day that almost half of couples go 8 months or longer without sex during some points in their relationship.

Ditto! Everyone has different amounts of sex. This might be TMI, but my close girlfriends quite often tease me that I am getting too much and taking other people''s share. Each to their own. I have also found that the longer we are together, the better it is and the more often we have sex. This still suprises me, I have said to him on numerous occasions, that he must be sick of doing it with me, and that I am lucky that after all these years we still have more passion in our relationship than we did when we first met.

When I was on the pill, I found my drive was much lower than his and I felt guilty about it, which probably made me want it less. We would have been lucky to get it once a week. I gave up the pill and turned into a new woman. DF was obviously thrilled, and even tried to convince a buddy that the solution to his sex life was getting his Mrs off contraception

. So, perhaps there is something hormonal going on too? Maybe a quick checkup could be in order if he is really worried about it, but you may just have to accept that there are differences in your drives.

Maybe he feels pressured too? Maybe you could make it clear to him that you understand him and don''t want him to feel pressured, that when you initiate cuddles, you might find he is more into taking things further if he doesn''t feel pressured to perform.

Don''t give up hope, I am sure with a lot of time and effort you will work things out. Sometimes what seems like a hopeless situation can just turn around for the better.

Good luck and sending lots of sexy loving dust your way

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First and foremost, stop with the accusitions! Asking him if he''s gay must be very hurtful to him and completely out of line. Just because a man doesn''t want to sleep with you all the time, does not make him a homosexual...sorry.

Next, I think you need to realize that having lots and lots of sex doesn''t make a relationship great, or solid or even healthy. Intimacy makes a relationship those things, and yes--making love is a part of that, it is not the whole thing by any means. There are many ways to reach a level of passion without "doing it"...taking long bubble bathes, cuddling, or even just sitting back to back and matching your breathing....those was ways to connect to your partner...and each one, when done right, is wonderful!

Now...yes...perfect relationships do exist. But, it depends on your definition of perfect. What is perfect for your friends may not be perfect for you, and vice versa. There are people out there that thrive on confrontation and bantering, so if their relationship consists of that...it''s perfect! Others enjoy being more passive-agressive...and if thats the name of the game within their home, their happy. And even still, others like to just "roll over" and are easy breezy when it comes to their love and their opinions. But regardless, I still hope you would feel close enough to the people in your life to voice your fears...even if, in your mind, they couldn''t relate.