Rude surprise....what would you do?

[IluvEmeralds]

Okay Ladies,

So I received my sister''s wedding invitation today in the mail and not only did she leave my FF off and list me as "Sis and GUEST" (HOW RUDE!!)

THEN as if that''s not bad enough, included in the invitation is a little white card that basically said that although being at the wedding is our gift, that monetary gifts in addition would be greatly appreciated as a sign of "love" to help them with their honeymoon and buying a house. GRR!! I don''t know what to say, and I''m embarrassed to be included almost since I thought that that was something you SOOOO did not do. (Blatantly ask for money)

Am I wrong to think that this is rude, and to be shocked by this??How should I respond? What would you do if you received such a thing in the mail?? Suggestions?

Thanks ladies!
ILE

 

[LostSapphire]

It sounds to me that she was missing from the table when Mummy and Daddy were teaching manners!

That is quite rude.

LS

 

[IluvEmeralds]

Date: 9/2/2008 9:48:11 PM
Author: LostSapphire
It sounds to me that she was missing from the table when Mummy and Daddy were teaching manners!

That is quite rude.

LS

Thanks LS!

I thought it was just me who thought it was rude. It''s nice to know I''m not the only one who learned that lesson from Ms. Manners!!

ILE

 

[vita*dolce]

wow.. that is rude. it''s such a salt in the wound situation after they all told you that you''re not allowed to get engaged since she''s getting married. it''s almost like she''s just driving home that point by leaving him off the invitation.

sorry your family has been stepping all over you lately!! try to ignore it all and keep your chin up!!

 

[PuddingFace]

Honestly, if I got that invitation in the mail I would scrap any plans of giving a gift even if I had fully intended to. It sounds to me like your sister and her fiance are simply trying to avoid getting loads of crap that they''ll want to get rid of but still want to make sure that they get the money that people were planning on putting towards gifts. I mean really now, don''t get us a gift, but feel free to give us money? That''s just ridiculous.

As far as leaving FF''s name off of the invite that also seems incredibly rude. (Not to mention that addressing you simply as "Sis" was pretty informal to begin with.) The best advice that I can give you is to ignore her slight and avoid trying to get her back by doing the same when you send out your invitations. Don''t let her get the best of you.

Good luck!

 

[Haven]

Are you two close? If so, I''d talk to her about it, just to clear the air.

If not, I''d file this away as one more reason why you''re not closer. It''s tempting to be snarky back, but then you''re just making yourself look bad. The "and guest" and asking for money are both in incredibly poor taste, and I''d be embarrassed for her. Asking for money really is bad manners, and I can''t believe that people really send things out like that.

 

[gladyskristen]

Wow... First you''re not allowed to be engaged, and now this...
I really duno what to say, but it feels almost like she''s trying to spite you. I may be biased though, cos I know my elder sis will TOTALLY pull smth like this. But your sis is not mine. If you''re close to her, mayb you should have a talk. It might turn out to be just a misunderstanding. Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

Dude. I'd be POed. And not just because of the invite. She's being passive aggressive. And this isn't just about the invite, but also the "don't wear the ring, don't get engaged for a year" BS.

And I wouldn't go. Period.

F them.

I'm sorry you have to go through all that. It's BS. Plain and simple.

Can you tell, I'm mad for you?

 

[bee*]

That is so rude it''s unbelievable! And I can''t remember the last post, but she''s not allowing you to be engaged? Ridiculous. I would definitely not give her a gift and I can''t believe that she didn''t put your FF''s name on the invite!

 

[gladyskristen]

I remembered that in the earlier posts, you were saying that your family believed that you were trying to "steal her thunder"? It seriously sounds to me that she''s trying to get back at you by excluding your FF''s name.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 9/3/2008 2:42:03 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Dude. I''d be POed. And not just because of the invite. She''s being passive aggressive. And this isn''t just about the invite, but also the ''don''t wear the ring, don''t get engaged for a year'' BS.

And I wouldn''t go. Period.

F them.

I''m sorry you have to go through all that. It''s BS. Plain and simple.

Can you tell, I''m mad for you?

Ditto. I''d say enough is enough.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 9/3/2008 2:17:51 AM
Author: Haven
Are you two close? If so, I''d talk to her about it, just to clear the air.

If not, I''d file this away as one more reason why you''re not closer. It''s tempting to be snarky back, but then you''re just making yourself look bad. The ''and guest'' and asking for money are both in incredibly poor taste, and I''d be embarrassed for her. Asking for money really is bad manners, and I can''t believe that people really send things out like that.

I completely agree with Haven''s advice. If you are extremely bothered by this, then decide whether or not it''s worth mentioning something to your sister. If not, let it fizzle out...but make sure you write your FF''s name in big bold letters when you send the RSVP!

The monetary gift request is also a little tacky if you ask me...I am going to a destination wedding in Europe in October and the bride (a very close friend of mine) sent out a similar message...but on Facebook and by email!!! Etiquette, anyone???

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s never appropriate to outright ask for money. That said, she''s already mailed out the invitations, so pointing it out is "pointless"

Go or don''t go. She is who she is. Since she''s your sister I would probably attend and send a card. After all, as she said "attending the wedding is your gift"

 

[fieryred33143]

1. The "And guest" issue...big whoop. Yeah it sucks. Yes she could have easily included his name. But she didn't. Oh well. Brides have their reason for doing things a certain way. It really isn't that big of a deal.

2. The asking for money thing on the invite, beyond rude.

There is no response for you to give besides sending the RSVP card back with yes you are going or no you aren't. There's no point in making a whole event out of something that really isn't that serious.

 

[ams0124]

The whole thing is rude! Not including your FF name, asking for money, telling you not to get engaged...all of it is just rude.
My initial response when you asked about your ring was don''t wear it and just suck it up for a day...I changed my mind after this.

I think your should RSVP with:
Are you attending? Yes.
Number of people attending: 2
Names: IluvEmeralds and instead of using FF name (since she didn''t) just address him as Fiancé in big bold letters.

Go ahead and wear your beautiful Ering so everyone at that damned wedding can see it...and give a very lovely heartfelt card that makes her cry (I would forgo money but that''s just me).


BUT....That''s my inital reaction b/c I''m so mad for you!!!

I would probably change my mind once I really started thinking about the consequences of sinking down to her level...I do however really like the RSVP idea.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 9/3/2008 10:04:19 AM
Author: ams0124
The whole thing is rude! Not including your FF name, asking for money, telling you not to get engaged...all of it is just rude.
My initial response when you asked about your ring was don''t wear it and just suck it up for a day...I changed my mind after this.

I think your should RSVP with:
Are you attending? Yes.
Number of people attending: 2
Names: IluvEmeralds and instead of using FF name (since she didn''t) just address him as Fiancé in big bold letters.

Go ahead and wear your beautiful Ering so everyone at that damned wedding can see it...and give a very lovely heartfelt card that makes her cry (I would forgo money but that''s just me).


BUT....That''s my inital reaction b/c I''m so mad for you!!!

I would probably change my mind once I really started thinking about the consequences of sinking down to her level...I do however really like the RSVP idea.

i have always thought that you should wear your ring. i am also going to agree with above.. i would wear that ring to the wedding, i would rsvp as 2 with FIANCE written in... and i would NOT give her a gift... maybe a book on manners and ettiquette..but certainly not money. this is family we are talking about... i would never not wear my engagement ring in fear of ruining her day.. when she is trying her hardest to put a damper on this wonderful time in her life. i am so sorry that you are related to someone like her.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 9/3/2008 9:23:17 AM
Author: fieryred33143
1. The ''And guest'' issue...big whoop. Yeah it sucks. Yes she could have easily included his name. But she didn''t. Oh well. Brides have their reason for doing things a certain way. It really isn''t that big of a deal.

2. The asking for money thing on the invite, beyond rude.

There is no response for you to give besides sending the RSVP card back with yes you are going or no you aren''t. There''s no point in making a whole event out of something that really isn''t that serious.

though my initial reaction is "what the hell??" to your sister''s invite, i have to agree with fiery - there is no point making it worse than it already is. Respond back with the RSVP, bring a gift you feel appropriate.
It''ll only make matters worse for YOUR day later on if you feed into her crazy.

but still... wth???

 

[dragonfly411]

First of all, I wouldn''t NOT wear my ring for anyone in the first place. The fact that she excluded your FF is beyond rude and disrespectful to your relationship. A family member should be happy for the other. I also think it is rude to simply ASK for money. NOW I will say that my Aunt and Uncle made it apparent that they didn''t need much for their home, and their registry would be small, and they''d prefer alternate gifts, but never flat out said money, they just rather had an established home with everything they needed. I''m buying them a wine and cheese basket for their honeymoon instead . I''d do the same as mentioned above, say yes you are going, 2 people and your name with FIANCE big and bold and wear that ring!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 9/3/2008 2:42:03 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Dude. I''d be POed. And not just because of the invite. She''s being passive aggressive. And this isn''t just about the invite, but also the ''don''t wear the ring, don''t get engaged for a year'' BS.

And I wouldn''t go. Period.

F them.

I''m sorry you have to go through all that. It''s BS. Plain and simple.

Can you tell, I''m mad for you?

Completely agree.

Family or not, your sister sounds utterly toxic.

If you MUST get her a gift, I would make it something small. I definitely would not be breaking the bank on someone so selfish and entitled.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I think the only wedding I''ve ever been invited to where I didn''t think it was tacky to ask for money was my cousin''s a couple years ago. Her and her fi are missionaries in panama and they live off donations from friends and family and the church as they spend all the time they would spend working at the church and traveling to third world countries. I sent them 20 bucks but didn''t make the wedding.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/3/2008 2:17:51 AM
Author: Haven
Are you two close? If so, I''d talk to her about it, just to clear the air.


If not, I''d file this away as one more reason why you''re not closer. It''s tempting to be snarky back, but then you''re just making yourself look bad. The ''and guest'' and asking for money are both in incredibly poor taste, and I''d be embarrassed for her. Asking for money really is bad manners, and I can''t believe that people really send things out like that.

ditto. try not to get too huffy or angry about it, and not for her sake, but for yours. whether you chalk it up to her not knowing any better or to her just not caring/being rude, do your best to just ignore it all. i know what it''s like to feel disappointed in a sister! but Haven''s right, it''s just another reason why you guys aren''t close. you just live your life the best you can and let her run amok if she feels the need, but you don''t *have* to let it effect you. i''d just do my best to laugh and shrug it off - she''s only making herself look bad.


**i''m assuming that she sent out the note about the money to everyone and not just you.

 

[IluvEmeralds]

Hi Everyone....

I''m so sorry in my delay in response.

I teach during the day, and have to be @ work by 7 so I have to leave my house by 6 at the latest. THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your support. I apologize for venting repeatedly (first about the ring and then this), but it''s just been a REALLY rough time for myself and my FI in the past few weeks! Thanks for helping me see that I''m not completely nuts to be upset with my sister''s actions. Some of you asked if we are close, and I guess not so much anymore. And I don''t see it happening anytime soon.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU everyone for your support through all of this!! My family may have it''s moments but you guys have been great at helping me see that I don''t have to stoop to their toxic level.

YOU GUYS ROCK!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I almost threw up. Like, I literally gaged on my Pumpkin Spiced Latte from Starbucks.

That is prehaps the most outrageous thing I have EVER heard (and I''ve heard a lot of things).

First of all, being your sister and all...you should call her. You should tell her that your FF is equally as important to you, as her almost-husband is to her...and that when your time comes, be prepared to get the same treatment ten-fold.

And then tell her, while it''s okay to want to money, it is ABSOLUTELY NEVER okay to flat out ask for it...and in such a "poor me" kind of way. I hate it, hate it, hate it. It sounds so hauty, and makes her come off very spoiled, although she was probably trying to evoke the opposit emotion. It reminds me of the time my DH and I went to his co-worker bosses daughter wedding..I called his coworker to ask where her daughter was registered, and while she intially share the information with me...she called my husband back, and said "in Chicago, you''re supposed to give money at weddings...not gifts"

. I was turned off them by the assumption that I would just "give cash" because it was requested, and I''m still turned off thinking about it now.

Now, as a recent bride, let me share some fun info with you...

At my wedding, I recieved a nice array of gifts and money. I had a large wedding...and most of my guests were well-to-do people from my husband work circle, my work circle, and our parents social circles. Without going to deep into the ins-and-outs, I didn''t even make a 10% back of what my wedding cost my parents. The average cash gift was about 250.00 per couple, and 100.00 when a solo came. We actually didn''t recieve anything from a surprisingly high number of our younger guests--meaning, my friends and my husbands friends. And my absolute favorite gift was a lovely stack of homemade greeting card my younger sisters friend made my husband and I.

The moral of my story is: Gone are the days where brides and grooms recoup the cost of the wedding in gifts and money. Many couples will be hard pressed to get a great honeymoon out of their money gifts, let alone a honeymoon and a DP for a home. Thats not to say every wedding isn''t different, and thats also not to say couples "ideals" aren''t different as well. But your sister and her F need to stone themselves for a disappointment when it comes those little cards and what the outcome very may well be. The economy absolutely effects peoples generosity...and thats just the way it goes!

 

[Gwyn]

I ditto CBS. I think the "appropriate gift" would be a book on ettiquette.

I think it would be great if you could highlight the sections on invite addressing and gift begging for her too.

 

[swingirl]

Send an empty card addressed to "Sis and Hubby".

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 9/5/2008 5:35:01 AM
Author: swingirl
Send an empty card addressed to ''Sis and Hubby''.

I like this suggestion.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 9/5/2008 5:35:01 AM
Author: swingirl
Send an empty card addressed to ''Sis and Hubby''.

Signed IluvEmeralds and Fiance.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 9/5/2008 5:11:40 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 9/5/2008 5:35:01 AM
Author: swingirl
Send an empty card addressed to 'Sis and Hubby'.

Signed IluvEmeralds and Fiance.

And maybe slip a pic of the ring into the envelope just for *fun*

I mean, especially if you'd decided not to wear it, perhaps the bride would *enjoy* a sneak preview?

LS

 

[icekid]

Date: 9/5/2008 5:11:40 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 9/5/2008 5:35:01 AM
Author: swingirl
Send an empty card addressed to ''Sis and Hubby''.

Signed IluvEmeralds and Fiance.

hehehe... you guys are bad

 

[musey]

To the "and guest" issue, a lot of online advice would have brides believe that that is the appropriate thing to include unless the couple is married. She is probably just following what she thinks the rules are. I don''t know your relationship or back story, but I would personally cut her a little slack on that vein.

The money thing, however, would bother me as well. I''d feel put out, certainly. But, then again, they probably just don''t know any better... it''s not as though someone told them "that is bad etiquette" and they decided to included it anyway. ...Probably. A lot of this etiquette seems intuitive to many of us (if you think about the no-mention-of-gifts "rule," it makes COMPLETE sense and seems OBVIOUS that one should not do this), but it just does not occur to many others.

Anyway, on both fronts, if she does know better, shame on her. Shame, shame, shame. She could truly be clueless, though.