Sad :(

[yourdelight]

Ugh... to cut a long story short(ish)- my boyfriend told me last night that we would not be getting engaged this year because of his current situation. As a result of this, we will probably not be getting married next year.. I'm sooo upset I feel heartbroken and it's stupid because really it's quite trivial.

Only last weekend we were talking about getting married on 14th November 2009 and I put a stupid reminder in his phone's calendar. He bought the ring from Tiffany in San Francisco in September and I just let myself get carried away with everything. I'd even got these stupid colour schemes in my head for a November/Winter wedding, I've been thinking about it so much and I was so excited/happy. Unfortunately, his situation has changed since he bought my ring.

He has his reasons (I don't want to go into them) and I understand completely but I am finding it hard to be supportive as I'm just so upset that I think I need a bit of time to get over the disapointment.

I feel like such a b*tch for being like this. I think it is more about not being able to start my life with him next year as we'd made the decision not to live together until marriage. I don't think he thinks about it in the same way as I do.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do to get over the intial disapointment? How can I be more supportive when I'm so upset? I know I'm being irrational and horrible towards him. I asked him just not to mention it again and let me have a bit of "quiet time" but we got into an argument about it before

 

[JulieN]

Sorry, I don't understand...he's had your ring since Sept, but doesn't want to propose until next year?

 

[yourdelight]

yes because he is not in the right situation, things have changed since he bought it

 

[FrekeChild]

If he has his reasons for not proposing, then there isn't anything you can do about it.

I'm sorry you're disappointed, but these things happen. You can't plan for everything.

Just breathe, and remember that this is a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. So what if it doesn't happen exactly when you wanted it to?

ETA: I don't know why you can't get married next year if you get engaged next year, but I wouldn't discount it completely...

 

[yourdelight]

Date: 11/1/2008 3:44:09 PM
Author: FrekeChild
If he has his reasons for not proposing, then there isn''t anything you can do about it.

I''m sorry you''re disappointed, but these things happen. You can''t plan for everything.

Just breathe, and remember that this is a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. So what if it doesn''t happen exactly when you wanted it to?

ETA: I don''t know why you can''t get married next year if you get engaged next year, but I wouldn''t discount it completely...

I just think it''d all be rushed... I really wanted 10-12 months to plan a wedding. I dunno if that is silly though.

I know it will happen it''s just that initial disapointment is really upsetting, you know?

Thanks

 

[JulieN]

I think it is perfectly natural to feel sad and disappointed since he said it would be this year, and he already bought the ring. I don't think you should feel like a bitch, or feel bad for being unsupportive. (You can support him once your disappointment dies down a bit.)

Also, he shouldn't be making you feel like a bitch, since he sort of broke an agreement; these sort of agreements really, really important to LIW.

I know you said you didn't want to get into it, but why can't he propose? He's not in the right place... Good reasons to not propose are: very ill/death of family member (although I personally think it's not a good reason, it might be a good reason for some people not being ready to get married (you don't want to rush this.) Reasons that I think are not good are personal ambitions/business/wealth...I think it is kind of selfish to let your FI get her hopes up and all excited, and then just delay it. In that case, yeah, give yourself a couple of days to be mad at get it out of your system.

Is there a chance he's trying to throw you off, since there's only 2 months left to 2008? I don't mean to throw any false hope in there, but I guess in any case, try to hang in there.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 11/1/2008 3:49:43 PM
Author: yourdelight
I just think it''d all be rushed... I really wanted 10-12 months to plan a wedding. I dunno if that is silly though.

I know it will happen it''s just that initial disapointment is really upsetting, you know?

Thanks

Depends on what kind of wedding you want, I suppose.

I know all about initial disappointment. FF first took me ring shopping February 2007. Every special occasion, every normal day, every date since then...Only it''s been over a year of initial disappointments.

I''m bummed for you. It''s so hard to get your hopes up and then have them completely dashed...

 

[yourdelight]

Date: 11/1/2008 3:51:44 PM
Author: JulieN
I think it is perfectly natural to feel sad and disappointed since he said it would be this year, and he already bought the ring. I don't think you should feel like a bitch, or feel bad for being unsupportive. (You can support him once your disappointment dies down a bit.)

Also, he shouldn't be making you feel like a bitch, since he sort of broke an agreement; these sort of agreements really, really important to LIW.

I know you said you didn't want to get into it, but why can't he propose? He's not in the right place... Good reasons to not propose are: very ill/death of family member (although I personally think it's not a good reason, it might be a good reason for some people not being ready to get married (you don't want to rush this.) Reasons that I think are not good are personal ambitions/business/wealth...I think it is kind of selfish to let your FI get her hopes up and all excited, and then just delay it. In that case, yeah, give yourself a couple of days to be mad at get it out of your system.

Is there a chance he's trying to throw you off, since there's only 2 months left to 2008? I don't mean to throw any false hope in there, but I guess in any case, try to hang in there.

He got made redundant 3 weeks ago (I am not sure if you call it redudancy in America.. basically he didn't get fired but "laid off" because of a lack of work)_, he worked in property and the industry is absolutely dire at the moment so we kind of expected it. He now says he can't propose until he has new direction and a new job. So it means it probably won't happen for a while.

I feel heartbroken... mainly because we are living apart and it's so hard waiting to be with him.

To me getting engaged/married is more about love not showing that he can support me- becuase no doubt he would have a new career by the time we got married next year. We have very different opinions of marriage and he now says I just want to get married not marry him. If that was the case I wouldn't still be waiting... he had a very good job too so it's very hard at the moment because he will struggle to find something else at the same level with our current economic climate.

 

[glitterazzi]

Oh Delight - I''m so sorry to hear about your situation.

And I''m so sorry the current economic state is affecting you so!

I know it probably kind of makes you want to slap me right now - but maybe there is good reason for all of this happening. I talked to my FF a year and a half before we met and started dating - that was a year + of obsessed single pursuit of my perfect husband - and I''d already met him! Knowing now what I do about him at that time - I think that year + of solitude was the only reason we are where we are now. He had some major maturing to do - and now we are happy.

I too am waiting on the career for the proposal... he has a time line - but it is all based on his career - and that is infuriating. I understand his reasons and agree - but I agree with you also: an engagement should be based on a couple, not a career. With or without his job I would marry this man. Can you discuss with him a proposal as planned, and then you can plan the wedding based on the future? I know it sucks waiting because you want to start you life with him. My FF and I too are waiting until a couple months before the wedding to move in together. He talks all the time about when he moves in and the changes we''ll both have to make and making room for his stuff - and I feel like it''s all talk, but nothing is happening... I get scared that I''m working myself up for nothing. So - I know how you feel. I guess the best thing you can do now is focus either on the right now, or on the 10 years down the road - but let the next year or so progress as it will.

I''ve been repeating this over and over lately:
You can''t change the past. But you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.

good luck - find solace in him and you two will be fine.

 

[Haven]

Yourdelight, you said:

We have very different opinions of marriage and he now says I just want to get married not marry him.

This is a bit worrisome. I would be sure to discuss your opinions of marriage with him before you become engaged to marry. If you two expect or want different things out of a marriage that is something you need to figure out before you attempt to make a marriage work.

The fact that he thinks you just want to get married and not marry him is another serious thing. I know I wouldn''t want to marry someone if I thought they were only interested in getting married for the sake of being married. I would try to figure this issue out, as well.

Good luck. I hope your SO finds a job soon, and I hope you two can sit down and have a productive discussion about marriage.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Your disappointment is understandable...but the world economy has taken a toll on everyone in one way or another...

 

[ringless]

Yourdelight, your situation seems quite familiar... I am in the same boat, except I am waiting on the ring. I know I'm throwing a pitty party for myself, but really, I feel like there have been a lot of excuses and even though they are completely legitimate, I still feel sad knowing our time is being pushed back to lord knows when! I also do not live with my BF and it's sad not knowing when that time will come. I have had roommates forever, and really... I'm just so ready for us to live together and start our lives together.
I am looking for some good advise too... so I'm sorry but I can only sympathize and not offer any good advise on this one.