scared?

[bee*]

So bf and I were talking last night and he said that he cant wait to get engaged,wants to be with me forever but he''s also thinks the whole thing about getting engaged and married is a bit scary

. Its just kind of upset me a bit and I dont know why as he said that he really cant wait to do it so I know its not that but I just dont know what to think. Any advice?

 

[Mara]

getting engaged and married IS scary! you are talking about FOREVER here. aka the rest of your natural life. that is a long time to be with one person.

when we were talking about marriage, we were both kinda freaked out mentally, though funnily enough at different times in our relationship. first i was more 'sure' than he was and KNEW. then we became engaged and HE became more 'sure' than i was. and KNEW. finally we were both sure together...shortly after engagement. after that it was pretty simple...we both knew we wanted to be together come hell or high water.

don't you think that marriage is a little scary? i think that thinking that is a healthy realistic view. he's probably considering all the angles...and you should as well. of course once you DO run through all the thoughts in your head, and all the scenarios and come out with the conclusion that he/she is the one...then you feel more confident. he's probably working towards that in his mind. i think that almost everyone experiences that kind of 'rush of fear' at some point during the getting engaged/engaged/about to be married process.

i wouldn't read too much into it...because if you have not felt that fear yet, you probably will at some point! even if it's just a few moments and you are able to talk some reality into yourself...i think it pretty much happens to everyone. fear of the unknown. fear of forever. fear of the future with one person. the high divorce rate makes it easy to be fearful.

 

[AmberWaves]

Hi Bee, it's totally scary.

When I got engaged, like, literally right after he put the ring on my finger we were walking around Disneyland and all I thought was, "HOLY CRAP." Not because I wasn't waiting for it for years, or because I didn't love him. It was because it was a HUGE step. Not that it's one you can't take back, but because once you take that step it's like admitting you're an adult (to me, at least), and you are making your own choices in life to be with one person and one person only. That's why I freaked out, because I thought, "Oh my god, this is IT. This is when OUR life begins. For REAL now." And I just got overwhelmed. I mean, it's not that you can't take back a proposal or engagement, but if you did, things change. Being boyfriend and girlfriend was something I was used to, but now I'm a "Future Wife" and he's my "almost husband"- and that's CRAZY!

It's understandable, and it's not an insult to you, it just shows how seriously he is taking it, like it should be taken. He's not entering into this lightly, and you should be thankful of that. Too many times in the media, things happen so quickly, without thinking. And they destruct quickly, too. I say Bravo! to him because he's thinking about it with not only his heart, but his head. Lucky girl!

 

[anchor31]

It doesn''t mean he''s having doubts or that he doesn''t love you. You might get a bit of cold feet somewhere down the line too, while waiting for the proposal or planning the wedding, maybe even both. I certainly did... A couple of weeks after he gave me his 2006 proposal timeline, I was freaked out for two whole days, questioning everything! It is a huge step in one''s life, and it is scary. But it passes, don''t worry!

 

[bee*]

Thank you so much for all your advice-you''ve made me feel so much better. I guess I just havent had the whole holy sh*t its forever moment yet! I dont know why I got hurt when he said it earlier as I know its good that he''s taking it seriously but it still kind of worried me a bit. All your advice really helps to put it into perspective though

 

[KimberlyH]

bee,

At some point you will experience some fear regarding being married (and it may not happen until after you say "I do") and you will understand exactly how he feels. Consider yourself amongst those who are lucky for being with someone who takes marriage so seriously, because it is serious.

Congratulations on you soon-to-occur engagement!

 

[swingirl]

I think it is really important that he felt he could share that feeling with you. It''s very honest and means he really is taking the whole life-commitment very seriously. Like everyone else said, it is scary, more so for men becasue they take on the role of provider and protector in addition to lover, friend, potnetial parent, etc. He''s thinking about it all. That''s good.

 

[bee*]

thanks Kimberley and Swingirl-I knew I could get some great advice here! I feel really silly now after having that little freakout

 

[oshinbreez]

There''s nothing wrong with being scared. In fact, if at some point you aren''t scared, I''d wonder what la-la land your living in.

 

[KimberlyH]

And don''t feel silly, either, sometimes emotions overrule logic! I''m glad you feel better.

 

[bee*]

just noticed I put my confused face thing in the wrong spot too! Thanks again. One more thing-what should I say to him when he says that hes scared about it. I got a little hurt by it earlier but didnt really say it but he said that hes not really sure why hes scared so I dont know whether to talk to him about it or just leave it

 

[AmberWaves]

If he brings up the fear again, just say you can understand why. And say he''s not alone.

That''s what I''d want to hear, at least. It''s great to have someone to share that with, I commend him. And you.

 

[Mara]

Date: 9/29/2006 3:25:27 PM
Author: AmberWaves
If he brings up the fear again, just say you can understand why. And say he''s not alone.

That''s what I''d want to hear, at least. It''s great to have someone to share that with, I commend him. And you.

yep i agree. when greg and i were talking originally about marriage, he said he was unsure and scared as well. his parents were divorced and each found others but i think that kind of stuck with him. of course i said i understood and that i felt scared sometimes too. it was a huge step. he needed time to think about it and make sure he was on board. i totally got it. i don''t think it''s natural to not be scared at least at some point. but knowing that each of you is HEARING and acknowledging the other is important.

 

[bee*]

really good advice-thanks. I''d better give him a call and make sure he''s ok

 

[bee*]

Well we''ve had a talk and hes said that nothings going to put us off doing it next year so I feel a lot better. Now he''s back to his normal teasing me saying that he might wait a few months after buying it in NY-men!

. He thinks it''s great winding me up like that so I might as well let him have his pleasure! I will strangle him though if he does wait a while after we''ve returned