Second-Class Guest

[dmamsquared]

My friend''s son will be getting married at the end of June. We were out shoe-shopping a few weeks ago when she told me that she was growing increasingly frustrated over the "guest" list. She was turned her guest list in, as requested, a few months ago. Recently, she learned that the lovebirds changed her number. She is annoyed because she took a second job to contribute to half of the reception expenses. The bride and groom are in their thirties. She was told that the first round of invitations went out. As they get regrets, they will send out a second round of invitations. My husband and I did not make the first cut. As much as I love my friend, I am not feeling so endeared to this couple. If you were in my place, what would you do?

 

[Mara]

Date: 5/1/2007 12:46:41 PM
Author:dmamsquared
My friend's son will be getting married at the end of June. We were out shoe-shopping a few weeks ago when she told me that she was growing increasingly frustrated over the 'guest' list. She was turned her guest list in, as requested, a few months ago. Recently, she learned that the lovebirds changed her number. She is annoyed because she took a second job to contribute to half of the reception expenses. The bride and groom are in their thirties. She was told that the first round of invitations went out. As they get regrets, they will send out a second round of invitations. My husband and I did not make the first cut. As much as I love my friend, I am not feeling so endeared to this couple. If you were in my place, what would you do?

Sorry what are you asking? You didn't make the first cut so what is there to do? Are you asking if you make the 2nd cut, should you go?

Just from my perspective, I think more people need to try to put themselves in the shoes of brides and grooms many a time. Why does this have to be viewed as 'I am a second class guest'?? That's just so negative. It's that they probably have a TON of people who everyone wants to invite (parents included) and they have to figure out how to get their own friends and family into the picture AND the people 'everyone else' wants to have there too. I went through this when I got married, and how I got around it was by having a destination wedding...I sent out invites to anyone who anyone wanted me to because it was in Hawaii and I knew only the most important people would come. But everyone was happy that they got invited? It was so random but somehow it kept the peace.

Though I never really understand why people get upset over being on the 2nd guest list or whatever. Weddings are expensive. I've been on the second guest list a time or two...sometimes it just happens. If your friend took this second job to pay for some of the reception, did she clarify with the B/G that she was doing this so that all her friends could be invited? If not, then maybe they don't have mind-reading skills.

There is so much drama around weddings and often times it's so tiring to read how people get upset over things that seem so minute in the overall scheme of things. And half the time I feel so sorry for the B/G who have to deal with everyone else's expectations of them when they just probably want to have a nice day and get hitched!

 

[dmamsquared]

Here are the specifics. Bride was a co-worker of ours (FMI). We introduced her to the groom. The six of us have been out socially on a number of occasions, although not since they were affianced. FMI was given a number to invite. She kept to that number. FMI was given a price. She paid that in full. Honestly, it''s more embarrassing for my friend because she expected me to be invited to the wedding. She was upset because we are close friends and she would much rather celebrate the occasion with close friends as opposed to distant relatives. I told her to take pictures. Maybe my friend gave me too much information. But we are friends and she was upset. Maybe I really did not need to know that we didn''t make the first cut. My friend is still talking like we will be at the wedding. No drama, honest. This will save us five hundred bucks, at least.

 

[Nicrez]

I am of the mind that you are going to a wedding to celebrate the momentus occassion of the bride and groom. To me, it should be a joyous occassion and only those who care for the couple and wish the two well should attend. People make weddings out to be "events" or "parties" when I just don't see them that way.

Consider this: Are you close to the bride and groom? It's THEIR wedding, not their mother's. If someone gives you a gift, it should be just that. If she is gifting them money for the wedding, expecting her friends to come is just buying some seats at a party. I understand a parent's need to have THEIR friends attend their child's wedding, but at the same time, it's NOT about the parents, as it is about the COUPLE. So if you are close to the couple, and you were second tier, I would just think that they had many other people to contend with and likely a spiraling budget. I am not sure how much i agree with the whole giving someone a number of people they can invite if they pay a certain amount. I find that odd. And if you are friends with the bride, just consider that perhaps there are other constraints.

From your post you don't seem as close to them, as much as the mother. Then just go out to dinner with her, and if you feel up to their wedding, and you are invited, go, but consider that they likely want a very happy day and your seat can either fill you or someone else. No one likes when things have limits, but with budgets, that's the way it goes. Either leave your pride at the door, go and be happy for them, or stay home and have dinner with the mother another night, the person you seem closest to anyway. You may like her, you certainly don't need to like her children (and the same goes back), so spend time with those you DO like.

Did that answer your question?

 

[Pandora II]

I can have 120 max for my wedding - FI and my first "absolutely must be invited" list was 185, so we have had to cut 65 people who we really wanted to invite straight away. This is before we have even considered work colleagues. Basically we have family and the bridal party and 10 friends of my parents (most of whom will be helping out with the wedding). We haven''t even got space for godparents.

To be honest, it''s even more difficult when you are in your thirties as everyone has either a husband/wife or long term partner and possibly kids who have to be invited and you often have very close work colleagues or business partners. We have been invited to a number of weddings in the last year and it seems very rude not to invite those people to ours. Certainly they will take precedence over my mother''s friends.

With the costs involved in weddings today I think most people would be happy to be invited whatever guest list they are on. We are holding a drinks party in London ten days after our wedding for all those we can''t ivite to the wedding. I would be very upset if I thought people felt "second-class" because of it.

 

[FireGoddess]

It is too bad that the couple renegged on the number - your friend did contribute financially and did stick to the number of guests she was allotted, so that doesn''t seem very nice. But there''s not much to be done - it is hard to plan a wedding and they are not cheap events. I would try not to let this bother you but only you can decide how much it actually does bother you. Enough not to go if you are invited?

 

[cara]

Yes, its unfortunate that the bride and groom downsized or were forced to the A/B invite list construction after your friend had been under the impression you were invited. It does make it awkward for everyone. But your job, I think, is to make this issue easy for your friend and make a gracious decision to attend (or not attend) if and when an invitation comes. If you don''t feel up to celebrating and letting go of the second-class guest feeling, just decline the invite and then let it go. The rest, with your friend''s second job, should really be between your friend and the bride and groom. I know you are just looking out for your friend, so maybe you could encourage her to ask for an explanation from her child, but lets just imagine the bride and groom are having a "typical" wedding planning experience:

They are having trouble sticking to budget and trouble keeping the guest list under control. While your friend might have been covering half of the initial estimate of the reception costs, maybe now that they have gone over on X,Y, and Z they are way overbudget. And Aunt Millie and her horde of 10 offspring and associated significant others, who initially had been assumed would decline the invitation, have all decided to make the trek to the wedding and call it a vacation. So now the guest count estimate is blown too, and at this point cutting guests is the only significant way to save money. Or maybe it isn''t money, maybe the reception only holds X people and they really have to stay under that number.

I guess my point is to cut the happy couple some slack. But knowing that you are a B-list invite, I think you can feel free to decline the invitation if it suits you where otherwise you might have gone to the considerable expense of attending.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 5/1/2007 4:47:01 PM
Author: cara
Yes, its unfortunate that the bride and groom downsized or were forced to the A/B invite list construction after your friend had been under the impression you were invited. It does make it awkward for everyone. But your job, I think, is to make this issue easy for your friend and make a gracious decision to attend (or not attend) if and when an invitation comes. If you don''t feel up to celebrating and letting go of the second-class guest feeling, just decline the invite and then let it go. The rest, with your friend''s second job, should really be between your friend and the bride and groom. I know you are just looking out for your friend, so maybe you could encourage her to ask for an explanation from her child, but lets just imagine the bride and groom are having a ''typical'' wedding planning experience:


They are having trouble sticking to budget and trouble keeping the guest list under control. While your friend might have been covering half of the initial estimate of the reception costs, maybe now that they have gone over on X,Y, and Z they are way overbudget. And Aunt Millie and her horde of 10 offspring and associated significant others, who initially had been assumed would decline the invitation, have all decided to make the trek to the wedding and call it a vacation. So now the guest count estimate is blown too, and at this point cutting guests is the only significant way to save money. Or maybe it isn''t money, maybe the reception only holds X people and they really have to stay under that number.


I guess my point is to cut the happy couple some slack. But knowing that you are a B-list invite, I think you can feel free to decline the invitation if it suits you where otherwise you might have gone to the considerable expense of attending.

Ditto everything Cara said-
it''s not the mother of the Groom''s job to verbally extend invitations- you are invited to the wedding when the invitation comes in the mail- just as you reply to the invitation by sending in the response card.
During our planning my MIL wanted to do a B list and I said "no way" we split the guest list basically 50/50 and my parents paid for everything but 1/3 of the flowers and the transportation. My MIL would call my mom to "tell" her who was coming- SO RUDE and tacky- it''s not the MIL''s job to invite anyone to the wedding- it''s a real shame that she "pre-invited" you.

My MIL has no idea what our wedding cost- at all- so she could never say that she paid for 50% of the wedding because she doesn''t know what the wedding cost.

 

[aljdewey]

Here''s my take:

-----The fact you were part of the "we" who introduced the bride/groom is inconsequential to the issue at hand and should have no bearing on expecting an invitation.

----- While you''ve gone out with them socially, so too have many others, and some of them likely won''t be invited either. Most events must have some finite number of guests (budget, space limitations, etc), and seldom is that number able to accommodate everyone you''ve ever had dinner with or socialized with.

-----"The FMI took a second job to contribute her half of the wedding expenses": That was her choice, and that choice shouldn''t come with the expectation of a quid-pro-quo on the invitations. This also has positively nothing to do with the invites. As mom-of-groom, it''s likely she wanted to contribute to the wedding overall, not just to buy seats.

-----There is much more to consider when inviting guests than just paying for their meals. Guests affect the feel/atmosphere of the wedding (intimacy or huge party). They can affect the choice of venue (some venues can do 100-125 people, but not more, for example). It''s not just about who pays for the meal.

-----"FMI would much rather celebrate the occasion with close friends as opposed to distant relatives": I can understand that totally, but again, it''s not about her. It''s not her wedding, and it''s not about what she''d rather have. It''s their day. I''m sure they are trying to accommodate stated preferences as they can, but sometimes, it''s just not possible to accommodate them all, and what''s important to them should be the final determinant driving the decisions.

-----Your friend was given a number to invite (and stayed within that number). Of everything you''ve mentioned, this perhaps was the point that did resonate with me just a bit, because the bride/groom did set an expectation for your friend,.so I do feel for her a bit on this point.

However, on the other hand, I feel she''s partially responsible for the embarassing position she''s now in because she jumped the gun in verbally inviting before the formal invites went out. As a seasoned adult, she surely must be aware that things can happen and plans may require adjustment along the way. Invite lists aren''t final until the invitations go out; that''s the point of formal invitations.

More than anything, I think she''s being premature in worrying about it. It''s entirely likely that the bride/groom know that a percentage of folks will decline, and I''m sure they had that in mind when giving FMI a projected number. That said, I think they are smart to be cautious rather than overinvite based on assumed declinations and wind up in an embarassing/uncomfortable position.

Nearly every wedding goes through this process: trimming to a list that doesn''t include everyone they''d want to invite, and going to the list when declinations make it possible to include more of them.

I don''t think it''s out of line for her to have shared her frustration with you; you are her friend, and she should be able to come to you for support. I wouldn''t have chosen to tell you if you weren''t in the first grouping, though....I don''t think that serves a purpose.

All that said, I disagree with her position. It''s the bride/groom''s wedding. It''s mom''s choice to help fund the event or not, and that choice should be made independent of any expected guest list.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/2/2007 3:28:03 PM
Author: aljdewey

Here''s my take:

What a well-worded and thoughtful post. I agree fully.

 

[dmamsquared]

Thank you for the very thoughtful posts. I can''t say that I agree with everything, but reading through them gave me a clarity that I didn''t have before. I will be sure not to make the same faux pas when my daughter plans her wedding. I really don''t have any idea about her visions. She is not looking forward to the creative process, and it has been established that we will not be contributing to (hosting) the event. You can be sure that Hubby and I celebrated on that one!
My friend and I are going for a drink after work tomorrow. I am going to tell her that I made vacation plans for the week of the wedding. As much as I may have been looking forward to sharing fellowship with her famiily, I''ll do so from a distance as I keep them in my thoughts. She can take pictures and show me later. In the meantime, we''ll continue our shopping excursions, for the wedding, of course.

 

[diamondfan]

Aside from if you are close enough to be invited, what I do not like is the future mother in law was given a number and paid for that number and now the number is being changed. If she was given numbers, it should be her choice to fill the seats. Are the groom and bride giving her money back now that they have cut the number she can have? I would doubt it. You are being invited to share in the day but you are also being invited by her, as her friends. Trust me, I had no room to spare at my wedding, it got so bad that I had to take one officiant and his wife into my list (even though both officiants and their spouses were people I did not know and were VERY close to my in laws to be). Reason? My future father in law threw a FIT that he had to have FOUR less people in order to invite them, and so I did not invite two of my friends so I could move the two of them into my column. It literally got that bad. I could not even allow my step dad to invite people, how could I when my soon to be hubby and I were winnowing out our lists to please his tyrant of a father WHO WASN''T EVEN CONTRIBUTING A DIME and felt it was reasonable for him to invite people he had not seen in years and my fiance had never met? That was more important to my future father in law than letting his son have a few more of his friends. The place we got married had size limitations but it was my dream place so we dealt with it. But the list was split in half with my mom paying for it all, and my father in law to be still tantrumed. I think since they gave a number and took money, it is a bit tacky to do this now, unless they really just totally miscalculated, in which case they should give money back to your friend. I am not sure if I would be offended to be on a B list, but my father in law did that too, and it really annoyed me at the time, but I figured they were his friends so let them be upset with him, it was ultimately not my problem!

 

[cara]

I really disagree with this idea that the groom''s mother "bought" a certain number of seats and is now getting cheated or something. Unless that was the specific agreement made when they were discussing finances and arrangements at the beginning - mother of groom says, "I will contribute X dollars to buy X invitations to people I specify. And if you give me less invites I will expect a pro-rated refund." Like she is buying tickets to the theatre!

I agree that things are slightly amiss: (1) Dmam was told she was a B-list invite. Clearly a goof, and its related to problem 2. (2) The number of guests that the groom''s mother could specify was changed and she doesn''t know why. Or maybe she does know why, she just didn''t tell dmamsquared because she was just venting to her friend.

Aren''t we missing some of the picture here? Lots of people do A/B invite lists with staggered mailings. From the initial post, we don''t know WHY the bride and groom have lowered the number of invites for grooms mother. Do you know, dmamsquared? Things go wrong. Best laid plans wiggle out from under you. Maybe young bride and groom are wealthy greedy good for nothings forcing their poor mother to work a second job for their luxurious wedding and then stiffing her invites so they can invite the whole tennis club or something. But come on. There could be other explanations.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/2/2007 6:41:02 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/2/2007 3:28:03 PM

Author: aljdewey

Here''s my take:

What a well-worded and thoughtful post. I agree fully.

Ditto.