Separate Invitations? Etiquette Help!

[Independent Gal]

So, my Great Uncle E.''s wife passed away and then the husband of a neighbour at the family''s summer house passed away and now they ''go together'' as my grammy puts it. He''s about 92, she''s about 88 and they didn''t move in together or anything like that, but have been a ''couple'' (whatever that means) for about 4 years now, attending concerts together, traveling together etc.

So, my question: Do they get separate invitations? I would not be inviting Neighbour Lady except as Uncle E''s plus1, so my first thought was 1 invitation to his address, but with both their names on it. But then my grammy wasn''t sure if that was ''proper''.

Etiquette experts? Thoughts?

 

[Independent Gal]

...and another thing. Is she still "Mrs. Imighta Bnhavinanaffairalltheseyears"? Or do some women revert back to ''Ms.'' or ''Miss'' when they''re widowed?

(I do wonder... she and Great Uncle E sure got together fast as soon as they were ''available'')

 

[rockzilla]

Hmmm...I''ve received several wedding invitations addressed to both me and my bf at my address (we don''t live together) and never saw a problem with it...though, I am of a much younger generation!

Also, I think Ms. is safest - it encompasses both Miss and Mrs.

 

[laine]

Personally, I'm make her Ms. Whatevernameshegoes by. I just prefer Ms in general, its neutral. I'd probably only use Mrs in the context of "Mr and Mrs Jones" Then again, I grew up with a mom who went by Ms Maidenname, so it sounds right to me--others might not agree.

As for the separate invitation, I believe the officially correct thing would be to send her her own, but I'd probably just put her name on the uncle's. Maybe address the outer envelope to him and put them both on the inner envelope?

 

[cara]

If you want to be technically correct, send a separate invite to her house. Given her era, she might appreciate the gesture.

As for her surtitle, she might have retained the Mrs. or become a Ms.; you''ll have to ask her to be sure.

My grandfather''s lady friend was most appreciative of the separate invite sent to her home because it really meant I wanted her to come, or so she said. She also had adopted the modern Ms. and I mistakenly addressed her as a Mrs. on her invitation. However, I also failed to recall that she was divorced and not widowed. I might have guessed differently if I had remembered.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmm... tricky. tricky tricky. Well, it can''t HURT to send her a separate invitation... right? So that would be playing it safe? Or maybe it can hurt?

Can anyone think of a reason against?

 

[labbielove]

I do believe once you''re widowed you are still Mrs. X , unless you change your name officially, so might need to check on that.

for the invite, why not send it to your great uncle, at his address and then on the inner envelope put Uncle X and Ladyfriend''sName

that is what we did for anyone who was dating and that we knew their significant other''s name (verus the "and guest")

If they are not officially boyfriend/girlfriend, then I agree why not send her her own invite at her house?

 

[Pandora II]

Okay, Debrett''s says:

Widowed women remain Mrs John Jones, divorced women become Mrs Jane Jones.

However, in this case I might be tempted to use her first name rather than late husband''s, and to send two separate invitations, but both to your Great Uncle in the same envelope.

That way you have respected etiquette but acknowledged their close relationship.

 

[Independent Gal]

I guess part of the problem was, at their age what is 'officially boyfriend / girlfriend'. I mean, they go everywhere together, attend family events together, etc., but I'm guessing they don't, uh, spend the night (92?), although you never know, right?

I never use 'Mrs. John Smith' on principle anyway because I think it's demeaning. I'd hit the roof if we ever got an invite that made me into a nameless appendage. So, Mrs. Jane Smith. it is!

And I think I'll go with separate invites to separate addresses since there's no inner envelope. Perhaps I'll include a little handwritten note that says 'Looking so much forward to seeing you and Uncle X!'

 

[cara]

According to etiquette, the proper way to address a widowed or divorced women is by the name and title she prefers, whether that is Mrs. John Smith, Mrs. Jane Smith, Ms. Jane Smith, or Ms. Jane Maidenname. While it is common for widows of a certain age to switch from Mrs. John Smith to Mrs. Jane Smith upon their husband's death, it is also common for married women of a certain age to have never preferred to be called Mrs. John Smith (such as Indiegal in her future married state).

Indie, while I was totally with you on Mrs. John Smith aversion, this ran smack into a desire to be grammatically correct when addressing the invites and I was torn.

"Mrs." doesn't mean "married woman", it means "mistress of", and is only properly used with a man's name. It of course refers to a woman, but the woman's full and proper title is "Mrs. John Smith." Which is why the modern "Mrs. Jane Smith" is somewhat wrong even if it is common, as you are not referring to the mistress of Jane Smith but to Jane Smith herself. "Ms. Jane Smith" would be correct, as "Ms." doesn't have the historical meaning, but many married woman want to use the "Mrs." to somehow demonstrate that they are married and according to the first principle, their wishes should be respected.

You are also not supposed to separate names from their titles, for men or women. (Both "Mr. and Mrs. Jane and John Smith" and "Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith" are clearly wrong.) So if you want to do titles for married couples that share a last name but still use the woman's first name, the proper address is:

Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith

(or
Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith
if the woman answers to the Ms.)

ETA: The easiest way to be correct and use the woman's first name is to leave off titles entirely, and use:
Jane and John Smith

 

[Pandora II]

I quite often use:

Jane Smith

John Smith Esq.

That way you are still being formal but avoid the whole Mrs, Miss, Ms thing.

Personally I don''t have a problem with the Mrs John Smith thing, but that''s probably because all my family use it. My mother is even ordering me stationery cards with Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName printed across the top. FMIL is horrified at me and FSIL (who has done the same). I just said I was obviously a post-emancipatee.

I''m keeping my own name for professional purposes, but his for everything else.