set back?

[penniepie25]

So my bf brought up to me today about going back to university part-time to complete a degree - he wanted to discuss it with me cause we will be putting our finances together when the house is complete and we move in together.

My first thought -

oh no payign for university he is going to think we arent in a place to buy a ring and have a wedding anytime soon! - i joked with him and said "oh i guess no ring until another 5 years hehehehe"

What is everyones take on this?

 

[gwendolyn]

I dunno. University is important, so it''s not like he''s wanting to blow money on a bumper car or something. But of course marriage is important too. How old are you guys? Are you pressed for time? Is there a way to do both, have him go back to school AND get married in the near future? I mean, you don''t HAVE to spend zillions on a ring and a wedding, y''know...

 

[KCCutie]

That would probably be my first thought too, but let be logical here. You''re already building a home with this man you are going to marry him right? I don''t think it''s a matter of "if" as much as "when" in your case. So talk to him about it. If it''s something that is important to you then talk about it. You''re going to need to talk to him about everything when you''re married so why no start now?

If it were me I''d say "I love the idea of you going back to school I think it''s a great idea and if it''ll make you happy it will make me happy, so I want to do it but I also want to get engaged/married." Then I would ask him if he thinks his going back to school would affect the plans you had for getting engaged/married. He may have this already all worked out in his mind but either way the two of you need to talk through it together.

 

[sunnyd]

I worry about the fact that you''ve already bought a house with him and are going to pool your money when you don''t have a serious timeframe as to when you will be married. That would be really scary for me! Sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk about the whens and wheres of everything. Good luck!

 

[penniepie25]

i dont think we layed down the "whens" im afraid to pressure him if he isnt ready....be we have talked that its inevitable and talked about rings as well as the fact im ready....is it bad to tell him you are ready? even if he isnt?

 

[sunnyd]

I don''t think so, how else would you know without talking about it? If you''re this far in, those convos should have happened already, but that''s just my opinion.

 

[penniepie25]

i think his words once were sooner rather than later - LOL

Does that count?

I feel like im pressuring him when i bring it up - his dad apparently is on his case to have an entire wedding before the house is built AND has even said he would give us the money for it if money is the reason....sheesh!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/6/2008 4:48:50 PM
Author: penniepie25
i think his words once were sooner rather than later - LOL


Does that count?


I feel like im pressuring him when i bring it up - his dad apparently is on his case to have an entire wedding before the house is built AND has even said he would give us the money for it if money is the reason....sheesh!

No, that doesn''t count. If you can''t have a grown-up talk about when (seriously, not goofing around), that personally would give me quite a few doubts. I can fully respect someone not being ready (I myself am not ready), but not being able to TALK about it is another thing entirely. That goes for both you and your boyfriend. Being scared isn''t a viable reason to get out of this, babe. Sorry. You need to do it. It''s not pressure to have one conversation.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/6/2008 4:52:22 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/6/2008 4:48:50 PM
Author: penniepie25
i think his words once were sooner rather than later - LOL


Does that count?


I feel like im pressuring him when i bring it up - his dad apparently is on his case to have an entire wedding before the house is built AND has even said he would give us the money for it if money is the reason....sheesh!

No, that doesn''t count. If you can''t have a grown-up talk about when (seriously, not goofing around), that personally would give me quite a few doubts. I can fully respect someone not being ready (I myself am not ready), but not being able to TALK about it is another thing entirely. That goes for both you and your boyfriend. Being scared isn''t a viable reason to get out of this, babe. Sorry. You need to do it. It''s not pressure to have one conversation.

Ditto!

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/6/2008 4:37:47 PM
Author: penniepie25
i dont think we layed down the ''whens'' im afraid to pressure him if he isnt ready....be we have talked that its inevitable and talked about rings as well as the fact im ready....is it bad to tell him you are ready? even if he isnt?

Do you know for certain that he''s not ready? And do you know why he''s ready, or at least what his purported reasons are for not being ready?

What did he say when you joked that it''d be another 5 years?

Oh, and -- I don''t think its bad to tell him you''re ready (you''re buying a house together! that''s a huge commitment!); I think it''s always better to be very forthcoming in a relationship.
Of course, I''m dating someone on whom subtlety is completely lost, so my view is a little skewed...

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I bought my house with my SO and we are not engaged. When we purchased our home almost 2 years ago, I thought an engagement was going to be soon. My SO thought the same. I knew this because we talked about it. We had several big conversations about it. We even talked to both our families about it.

But, owning a home is a HUGE responsibility and it means that your extra money is going end up going towards the house more often than you realize. In retrospect, there are days when I wish I had waited until we were at least engaged to purchase together because I can tell you from personal experience – if you are feeling anxious now; if you are feeling the slightest twinge of resentment towards your SO for choosing a house or school over an engagement – all that is going to increase the longer you are in limbo.

You should have had this conversation with him long before the house purchase. When you are doing something as big as purchasing a home, your future with the other person should not be in question. It also shouldn’t be something you are leery of talking about because you do not want to scare him off.

You really need to find out where you stand with this man. Especially if you want to pool your finances. Keep in mind, just because you live together it does not means you have to pool your finances. It’s possible to own a house and have separate accounts. My SO and I have been doing it for awhile now and we’ve been problem free.

 

[surfgirl]

I have to be really honest here and say that all your threads/posts seem to revolve around getting a ring and not being okay with waiting for that ring. If you guys want to be engaged, you dont need an expensive ring to get engaged and you dont need a ton of money to get married. You can get a lovely little "starter ring" for now, get engaged (or not get any ring for that matter), and you can also elope or have an immediate family only courthouse wedding and go out to dinner. Done. You're married. You seem to equate becoming engaged with having to have that ring yet you want to be engaged now, while you're moving into your new home together. Why cant you just get engaged and not have a ring or get an inexpensive ring to start off with? It seems to me that if you are really serious about getting married and you want to be engaged now, and he wants to further his education (which is an admirable thing to want to do for your future), then just let the ring fixation go, and get engaged. It's not rocket science and you're making it way more complicated than it needs to be, IMO.

ETA: If he's not ready, that's an entirely different ballgame in which case I would say yes, you're pressuring him.

 

[penniepie25]

oh lol - sorry i didnt mean for it to seem that way - this is a diamond site so i have been refering to the "propsal/engagement" as getting the ring...

The discussion we had prior to purchasing the house was we were going to get married - no time line....i dont think i should set one as i would hate for him to propose under the pressure of a timeline to make me and everyone else happy! talk about resentment!!

I simply just came on here to share my same girly anxiety about "when is it comming im excited..." thats all.....

we have talked several time about being married, getting engaged and what i would like on my finger (because that is part of it and thats why we are all on a DIAMOND site) and as of yet no dates - i dont think he would tell me anyways cause he would like it to be a surprise....

I came on here to be like - hey i feel ya - when is it my turn too i cant wait - i sorta feel like a silly outsider :S that bought a house with no timeline and talks about the jewlery more than the commitment of love

Sorry having a bad day

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Pennie, the women on this board are very wise and NOBODY is trying to make you feel bad. We are all very honest, but I promise that everybody here has the best intentions--it''s just that many of us have been in your shoes and are sharing what we''ve learned in our experiences.

Keepingthefaith21 has some EXCELLENT advice (as always) and I think she makes a great point--buying a house without being married is a HUGE commitment and you have to understand that if you take on that responsibility together, some things might pop up that put the engagement on the back burner.

I know that in this case it''s school and not the house, but it sounds like you and he might have different views on the marriage when marriage should occur. You guys are already buying a house together and plan on merging your finances and you know that marriage is in your future. He''s now focused on going back to school and probably doesn''t see the point of getting engaged and married right now because the house and school are a higher priority. if you do not doubt that he is going to propose and you have other priorities as a couple, then I think you have to be flexible with the engagement. If you let the resentment start building now, you''re going to feel "overcooked" very soon and that''s when serious problems arise. I think having occasional calm, healthy conversations about getting engaged is the best way to ensure you''re still both on the same page. Not too often! And not emotional! Just a check-in...if you do have to wait another five years you''re going to need to find a way to keep the anxiety at bay.

 

[penniepie25]

i do agree with what you said and the posters here - the house is huge! and it a big commitment and finacially too - i dont resent him at all for finacially getting things in check - im just excited and really hoping it can been soon and this is only because i do know he is the one for me - id just like to hope that school and house doesnt make him think OH NO money and that delay an engagement - when yes a ring more likely than not will be purchased i just hope that isnt what keeps it from happening...

My bf does know id like it before we move in - so i guess i will continue to lurk around over the next 11 mths and let you guys know if it happens before our closing date that would delight me to start in my new home with my fiance

Like i said i dont know much about diamonds or settings or anything but a few rings i like the look of so maybe this place isnt for me - im new and young (25) no expierence in this department!

 

[KCCutie]

Oh, honey I''m sorry you''re having a bad day. *hugs*

I know when you''re typing this all out it sometimes comes out totally different then you meant for it to be. If you guys have talked about marriage a lot and you made a decision not to talk timelines b/c you''re happy with your decision about buying the house then good for you!

I think it goes both ways though. You don''t want him to feel pressured into proposing and resenting you so you''re laying low and I totally understand that, but please make sure you''re not forcing yourself to lay low too long and you start resenting him. Asking him about a timeline doesn''t have to be scary and if you''re buying a house it probably won''t scare him off but you need to be open with him. Sometimes it''s much more reassuring to know that you have a plan no matter if the plan is to wait until you''re 30 or to get engaged now or this year.

I had a talk with my SO about all this around Easter. Before the talk we weren''t even talking about getting engaged (at least not specifically just general marraige talk)and now we''re looking at houses and expecting to be engaged before we move in together when my lease is up Aug 30th. I was expecting him to ask for at least a year b/c I thought he wasn''t ready yet and I got the best surprise I could ever dream of!

If you''re okay with just waiting it out then more power to you you''re a stronger woman than I am. We''re always here if you need to vent.

 

[penniepie25]

thanks KC!

ive think ive made my points with him - and now i think im just a LIW with my occasional anxious moments

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 5/6/2008 11:10:02 PM
Author: penniepie25
thanks KC!

ive think ive made my points with him - and now i think im just a LIW with my occasional anxious moments

TeeHee! Aren''t we all!

Well then welcome to the club!