Should adultery be a crime?

[kenny]

This article got me wondering.

Frankly I'm conflicted on this, and voted Other.
I feel very strongly about monogamy in my marriage, but respect that people vary, so relationships will also vary.

This poll is set up so your vote is not visible to others.

Cheating on your spouse is no longer a crime in New York

Gov. Kathy Hochul signed a bill repealing the state's 117-year-old adultery law on Friday.

gothamist.com

 

[seaurchin]

I don't think it should be criminal but I'm also not sure it shouldn't count for anything, as far as dividing the assets in a divorce.

Cheating on a partner behind their back can cause them all kinds of damage. It risks their home, savings, retirement, children's stability and, possibly, health, without warning. They may have a serious enemy out there that they're given no heads-up about, depending on who the affair partner is. They might make serious life decisions with important knowledge kept from them that they have the right to have, such as agreeing to have another child or etc., believing they are in a stable, monogamous relationship when their partner knows that's not the case and gets to set themselves up nicely before moving on, if that's their plan.

On the other hand, that's far from the only serious wrong one partner can do to another. So then it would seem fair to also penalize partners for other marital wrongs, like sneakily overspending or running up debt etc., as well as things that are harder to prove, like emotional abuse.

So then it becomes a big, expensive mess to try to sort out. Maybe better to just leave it as it is, where no-fault divorce is the standard.

Another possibility is for affair partners to also be able to be held accountable (in civil court) for their part in knowingly interfering in someone else's marital contract behind that person's back. I'm not sure about that one, but it did used to be actionable. For those who don't know, it was called "alienation of affection." I don't know, though. There are so many factors that vary by couple.

 

[Rfisher]

If it becoming a crime is paired with the disappearance of no fault divorce -
No.
Other than that - I don’t care either way.

 

[Avondale]

Firmly, no. A crime is a crime - it’s a type of violation of the law that is considered so extreme and so dangerous, it needs to be regulated by a separate set of rules. It has nothing to do with divorce, marriage, relationships and so on. And the level of danger to society adultery poses is… well, negligible.

I’m not gonna start on the divorce issue because the way you handle marital assets, and what is and isn’t a marital asset, over in the US makes me questioningly raise an eyebrow. I’ll just say that in my country’s legislation adultery definitely carries weight during a divorce and can have real, financial consequences for the offending party. But that’s about as far as it goes. To criminalise it is no less than pure insanity.

 

[missy]

Well lol if I am speaking from my heart hell yes. But legally no. We can’t prosecute adultery. However it should matter in divorce proceedings. I don’t think no fault divorce should be a thing. But I know others feel strongly the other way. This is my opinion.

I voted OTHER

 

[kenny]

There are people who discuss it first, and agree to marry and have an "open relationship" where each agrees both can have ssecks outside the marriage.

In these marriages I don't think 'cheating' could even apply as a term, nor could the term adultery.
Then, arguably for such a marriage, adultery can't or shouldn't be a factor in a divorce, let alone be illegal for that couple.

I know in many many committed gay relationships where both agree to be open - but of course men are horndogs.
That's why now that gays can marry, I'd guess there are many more open gay marriages than open straight ones.

But like @missy said, "Well lol if I am speaking from my heart hell yes." +1 on that!

Honestly, before reading the above article I had no idea adultery was illegal anywhere, let alone 17 states.

 

[kenny]

I tried to find a 2024 map of the US states in which adultery is illegal.
But 1996 is the most recent I could find.

But it does show surprisingly-many nuances of the law.
I'm surprised Delaware is the only place the law applies ONLY to the man, as if women never do it, or are free to do it.
And what's up with Minnesota?

 

[MissGotRocks]

Up until very recently, adultery was considered a civil - not criminal - offense in my state. It carried lots of monetary and property disadvantages to the cheating spouse. Desertion has also been cast aside. Apparently, as long as a property settlement can be reached between the parties, the waiting time for divorce is just the time it takes to get the case set before a judge. Now, in favor of the no fault divorce, the reasons don’t matter that much. However, in the case of a woman or man left behind for someone else, the reasons very much matter. It can also become a huge financial ordeal, especially when there are minor children involved. I would imagine that court ordered mediations may still be in order to settle some of those conflicts. I guess forever and all the days of our lives don’t mean forever anymore. Some really sad situations still occur and I feel for anyone having no recourse in these instances. In answer to the original question, no I personally do not think it should carry criminal charges. Criminal charges can bring jail or probation consequences, and I think that is a stretch that doesn’t benefit even the wronged party.

 

[MissGotRocks]

There are people who discuss it first, and agree to marry and have an "open relationship" where each agrees both can have ssecks outside the marriage.

In these marriages I don't think 'cheating' could even apply as a term, nor could the term adultery.
Then, arguably for such a marriage, adultery can't or shouldn't be a factor in a divorce, let alone be illegal for that couple.

I know in many many committed gay relationships where both agree to be open - but of course men are horndogs.
That's why now that gays can marry, I'd guess there are many more open gay marriages than open straight ones.

But like @missy said, "Well lol if I am speaking from my heart hell yes." +1 on that!

Honestly, before reading the above article I had no idea adultery was illegal anywhere, let alone 17 states.

Interesting about agreeing to an ‘open’ marriage. That may all be well and fine until one day, to one party, it isn’t. How would the other party prove that such an agreement existed? You know the wronged party would swear they never agreed to such a thing. People can be fickle and love quantified in many different ways. No wonder divorce lawyers - if they could stomach the work - got very rich!

 

[kenny]

Interesting about agreeing to an ‘open’ marriage. That may all be well and fine until one day, to one party, it isn’t. How would the other party prove that such an agreement existed? You know the wronged party would swear they never agreed to such a thing. People can be fickle and love quantified in many different ways. No wonder divorce lawyers - if they could stomach the work - got very rich!

+1
Plus I'd imagine there could be a zillion stipulations.
You can do it but ...
wear protection from VD & pregnancy every time
you have to tell me each time
never tell me with whom, when, or where
not with anyone I know
you have to tell me her/his name
it must be in our home
not in our house
oral only
only if I can be there and watch, or join in
etc. etc.

I'd think they'd be wise to put their agreement in writing, sign it, have it witnessed & notarized, then each keep their copy out of reach of their partner, preferably involving a good lawyer who keeps copies.
I also wonder whether some states outlaw this.
More $$$$$ for the lawyers.

 

[Calliecake]

No, it should not be illegal. We all know it’s morally wrong to cheat in a marriage. I will never understand the open marriage thing. Why would either party bother to get married if this is what they want? Once you opened that the door to “you can do it” it’s all bound to go horribly wrong. if you love your partner why would you ever want this?

I find the possibility of ending “no fault divorce” very scary for women. I don’t understand how women don’t clearly see the ramifications for what this would mean for women in abusive relationships.

 

[LilAlex]

This is such a great figure legend!

Always wondered where Minnesota was. At least it's not "Unknown."

 

[seaurchin]

I wouldn't doubt if open marriage is often an attempt to make a marriage work, when it's no longer working as-is. There can be a lot of loss in divorce, between kids and finances, that I could see people hoping to avoid with an "in between" attempt at a solution.

However, it seems to me like open marriage might just be inviting more complications by setting up an unstable situation. When partners are allowed to get attached to others, how far of a step is it then, for one of them to meet someone they'd rather be with full-time?

So many of the younger generation aren't getting married in the first place. When the odds are 50/50 of it lasting, I get it. For ex. I could see just having one child, if any, and staying single as a viable option. Maybe not exactly ideal but it could also go a lot worse than that imo.

 

[MissGotRocks]

+1
Plus I'd imagine there could be a zillion stipulations.
You can do it but ...
wear protection from VD & pregnancy every time
you have to tell me each time
never tell me with whom, when, or where
not with anyone I know
you have to tell me her/his name
it must be in our home
not in our house
oral only
only if I can be there and watch, or join in
etc. etc.

I'd think they'd be wise to put their agreement in writing, sign it, have it witnessed & notarized, then each keep their copy out of reach of their partner, preferably involving a good lawyer who keeps copies.
I also wonder whether some states outlaw this.
More $$$$$ for the lawyers.

100% agree to a written, notarized statement. Oral agreements are basically useless. So many nuances to love, marriage and divorce - hard to create laws to cover all possibilities.

 

[Avondale]

Why would either party bother to get married

Marriage is essentially a legal deal between two parties with legal consequences. All the sentimentality we throw into the institution doesn't really matter much. If you wish for the legal consequences of marriage to occur - then you should get married. If you don't, you don't get married. And if you get married without getting first acquainted with all the legal ramifications of marriage, that's like signing a contract blindfolded. Now that's something that should be taught in schools.

 

[GeliL]

I don't think it should be a criminal offence just because of the resources dedicated to put someone in jail for it. Overwhelming number of prisoners is already an issue and dedicating the resources elsewhere for the safety of the people seems like the better option.

I feel like cheating is essentially the breaking of a marital contract - you don't go to jail for breaking a contract, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't get a penalty by other means. And just like a contrast, when the terms significantly change (ex. an open marriage), both parties need to come together and review the terms again to draft a new agreement they can be on board with. Speaking as someone who is younger here, I think it is great that we are exploring other aspects of human relationships outside of a monogamous marriage, but that's all on the basis of having respect and trust for each other. Without it, we are treading murky waters where there's a lot of risk for manipulation and backstabbing,.