Shower after wedding?

[tanyak]

OK. I have an unusual situation. A very good friend is getting married later this month. For a variety of reasons, she is having a very small, family-only ceremony (10 people total). Well, one of her co-workers is freaking out because my friend skipped a lot of the traditional things you do before a wedding, and she insisted on throwing a shower. Because of the timing, the shower is AFTER the wedding - it''s set for sometime in December. I believe it''s being billed as a shower, although my friend would rather it not be. I''m just trying to figure out the gift situation. Do I send something for the wedding, although I''m technically not invited, and not bring anything to the shower? Do I forgo the wedding gift and just bring to the shower. Do I give something for both? I''m so confused!

 

[JulieN]

why are you not invited to the wedding but are invited to the shower? ah, ok, family only.

doesn't it seem like a rather obvious bid for gifts? a party in honor of the newlywed couple might be more appropriate.

you can send a present to her home ahead of the wedding.

 

[tanyak]

I don''t think so. My friend would really rather not have anything, but she said her co-worker seemed so excited and insistant. I guess the problem is I don''t know what other people are doing. They have lots of friends and none of us our invited to the wedding. Around here, it''s much more common to bring gifts to the actually wedding/reception as opposed to sending them. I''m wondering if girls coming to the shower/party are going to bring things. I just don''t want to seem out of place.

 

[VRBeauty]

Showers originated as a way to present a soon-to-be-wed couple with some of the things that they would need as they set up their household -- to shower them with gifts, as it were. I think you''re free to give both wedding and shower gifts if you wish, or to give just one gift and mark the other occasion with just a card. If you''re giving a single gift, you might want to send your friend a nice wedding card and then bring your gift to the shower, especially since you''re concerned about not standing out from the crowd.

 

[Katiemarie]

if you are only going to give one gift, i would give it at the shower.

I agree with the previous poster who said send a card for the other, that would be nice.

Depends how close you are to the girl really, but i would be inclined to send my friend a gift for both if it was a close friend, but many friends i would just gift at the shower.

 

[swingirl]

I''ve heard that is is not appropriate to invite people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding since it looks like you are good enough to bring a shower gift but not good enough to be invited to the REAL event. It sounds like this shower will happen no matter what because the shower giver is interested in a party more than the bride''s desires.

I agree with giving a shower gift at the shower and a nice card congratulating them on the marriage.

 

[Maria D]

Card for the wedding, gift for the shower sounds like great advice to me. If you''re going to attend a shower, I think it would be weird to not show up with a gift. But you say that you''re not sure what others are going to do. Around here, a shower definitely is a party held for the purpose of giving gifts. The whole thing centers around the opening of the gifts. I''m thinking if it seems confusing, it''s because it *is* confusing. Who has a shower post-wedding? Who throws showers that the bride doesn''t really want and invites people the bride didn''t invite to the wedding. Highly unusual!

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me that a person who has a very small wedding celebration would forgo a lot of the traditional wedding stuff. I think the co-worker is being very intrusive. Why is she freaking out; there''s no law that says people must have wedding showers. If I were your friend, I''d be embarassed!

 

[tanyak]

Card for the wedding, gift for the shower works for me - and my pocketbook since I have more time before I need to buy a gift!

I''m actually glad my friend is having a shower. She really didn''t want the wedding to be this small; most of it has to do with her mom (long story), so I''m glad she''s having at least one traditional thing, even if the timing in quite non-traditional.