Sibling Dilemma

[Independent Gal]

We''re planning to get married next March. I come from one of those families that you need a diagram to understand. My dad loves weddings so much, he''s had several of them! Mom''s with Husband Two. Dad''s new wife is on number 4. Each came with a new ''litter'' of kids... that''s dad''s term. (No, really!) which means the wedding could be pretty complicated.

Of my... 6? 7? siblings, I''m close with 4 of them, and it''s very, very important to me that they have a good time at our wedding. But there are so many potential pitfalls.

1) Weddings are kind of ''cheap'' to us by now, given my dad''s track record, so it might be hard to take seriously that M and I want to make a SERIOUS commitment. None of my sibs has bothered to get married, although a couple of them have 10 yr+ healthy relationships, and I''m sure this is why.

2) my siblings hate gatherings with extended family in general... and it''s kind of a running joke with us... this time it will be MY FAULT!!

3) mixing mom''s family with dad''s family hasn''t happened in more than 20 years, and I think some of my siblings will find it weird and uncomfortable.

We will be getting together for my dad''s birthday soon. Should I ask them to think over what would a) make the wedding actually FUN for them and b) what sorts of things we should try to avoid that would make them feel extra awkward or uncomfortabl?

I''ll make clear that we will probably not be able to make everyone happy. But it''s important to me to try. I want our wedding to be an excuse to throw a really good party for the people we love most, not an occasion to cause them discomfort. But that''s going to be a tricky venture.

This is kind of keeping me up at night.

Any advice or suggestions? Does asking them for input sound like a dangerous plan? I''m actually worried that they will think it''s weird that I want to get married / have a wedding in the first place, even though they''ll be happy for me.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oops. Sorry about the wonky spelling. Dilemma, not Dilemna. I''ve been making that same weird spelling mistake for years. I wonder why???

 

[diamondfan]

I think given the dynamics you are in a tough spot. That many people all together, with all their differing views, and you know there will be those who are left less than happy. But, ultimately, that is not something you can remedy. It is your day, you can be considerate and aware and try to accomodate people, but truly, it should boil down to what you and your future hubby want. Not to the exclusion of others necessarily, of course you can factor in many issues, but I just think number one, it is not about all of them, and number two, you will drive yourself crazy trying to please so many others, many of whom might just be unpleasable or whose wishes are in direct opposition to other people''s, so how can you manage that? You then become a puppet being jerked around to other people''s whims. It is great to be considerate and conscious of the needs and feelings of others, I never think a bride should not do so, but it is your wedding after all. If you state it as you did in your post, that you want people to have fun and enjoy themselves, maybe they will all see that and know they have the ability and ownership of that!

 

[Ellen]

I think asking what you could do to make it better for them could be opening Pandora''s box. I wouldn''t do it. It''s your day, invite them all and hope they can put aside any ill will for one day and act like adults.

They most likely will.

I do understand a bit of the "uncomfortableness" of it. When I got married, my parents had been divorced for 16 years (dad had remarried), and it was NOT a pretty parting. I also had not seen them together but once in that time. I was a bit worried myself, but applied the attitude I just suggested to you and everything went perfectly.

I wish you the best on this!

 

[Love in Bloom]

Indep Gal,

It is very sweet of you to want your siblings to have fun at your wedding, but it is you and your fi's wedding; a celebration of your love for each other. I think you should do what would make you two happy. If you want your family to get along, I think the most you can do is create the atmosphere and set an example, but their behavior and whether or not they have fun is really up to them, not you. I have a crazy family too. Sometimes I feel responsible if they do not get along, because I live out of state and when I come home I feel like they all gather on my accord. We get together for holidays and celebrations, and sometimes the tension is very apparent

. For me, trying to please everyone does not rid the situation of the tension, it only makes me more stressed

! And I end up feeling guilty if hostile words are exchanged or if people do not have a good time. When it comes down to it, though, I really have no control over how they act (but I do fervently avoid perpetuating any downhill situations!). Hopefully your family loves and respects your relationship enough not to 'act up' on a day that is really important to you. My poor DF...his family isn't really into a lot of verbal communication so he doesn't reallly quite know how to take my family!

As far as asking for opinions, I think it is a good idea as long as they understand that it is just an opinion. I ask for opinions and people get hurt when I do not do exactly what they think is a good idea. Like my FMIL really thinks personalized M&Ms are a good idea, so much that she thinks we should just have bowls full of them as reception centerpieces

. I keep telling her the centerpieces will be roses, but she keeps bringing it up and I keep saying "That is clever, but just not for me." My family can be really pushy, but if I can not let all the different (and often conflicting opinions) overtake me, I pretty much do okay

.

HTH!
LIB

 

[So_happy]

I vote for not opening pandora''s box as well. Due to the number of people that you would be addressing, it is virtually guaranteed that there will certainly be NO concordance or similarity in thier opinions. THIS may end up driving you even more nuts at night because at that point you KNOW what they want/wish and you''ll immediately realize you CAN''T possibly give each of them what they wish to be comfy at your wedding. At least now you can have "ignorance is bliss" on your side.

Keep in mind that if you do not ask thier opinions and then do it the best way you and your fiance can figure out you will STILL be making many people very happy and comfy. It''s just the law of probability.

 

[surfgirl]

Count me in on not opening the Pandora''s Box! That said, this is exactly why we are eloping! He''s got a wonky sister, I''ve got divorced parents and my mother is, shall we say, bitter...And while they''ve been to joint family gatherings since, those gatherings have been large and our wedding will be very small and I do not want to think, even for one moment, about other people getting along. My wedding is MY day and I only want to think about the commitment I''m making and my soon to be husband. So we''ve decided to elope, it will no doubt be a fairly last minute thing so we''re hoping anywhere from 1-8 friends will be able to make the last minute scheduling but we''re okay with going it alone too.

Enough of me

... Your wedding day is about YOU, not them. I say if the issues you mentioned are going to ruin the day for you, then elope. If not, then go ahead and plan the wedding YOU want and dont give them another thought.

 

[jas]

You are so sweet to consider everyone's feelings! However, you are all (I believe) adults, and you deserve to believe that for one day, for one event, everyone can consider your feelings and do this for you (and your FI). Not to be bridezilla, of course, but from your posts, I don't even think you are capable of this!

Trust that your family will, to the best of your ability, try to put your happiness in front of their discomfort. It won't always happen, but unless there are other dynamics here, there's no reason to believe your family won't attempt to put their stuff aside for you and your FI.

That being said, of course many of us here on PS will also let you know that many people, especially families, tend to view all weddings through their own lens...how does this affect him/her?

It will be a struggle at times...it is in the best of situations; however, barring any glaring, overt missteps (i.e. you standing up at your wedding, pointing at your family and saying, "Hey, y'all, I just know you are all muttering about how weird you think this wedding stuff is"

) I wouldn't worry.

Focus on the part that says that they will be happy for you. That's a lot!

Hope that helps!
Jackie

 

[Independent Gal]

I think you ladies are right and asking for general input could be a mistake. In addition to the siblings, we''re managing RADICALLY different cultural and religious expectations, and parents who can''t speak each others'' language, etc. So, maybe we should just try to be thoughtful along the way but concentrate on keeping it simple in meeting peoples'' expectations.

Surfgirl: Eloping is genius! SO GENIUS! But FF won''t even consider it, and I have to say, if we could pull it off, when else in our lives will we have an excuse to throw a completely over-the-top spectacular party for our loved ones?

I''ve been thinking about this today, and I''m having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of a day that is OURS. I mean, how come I get my own day? What did I do to deserve that? My siblings have all had huge coming of age parties, but I never did, and I think I just find the idea of a party that''s all about me (oh, and FF of course!)... embarassing. And I''m terrified about inconveniencing people. Causing them expense, etc even though I know they''d be thrilled to come. Maybe that''s why I''m trying to make it about throwing a party for everyone else.

Another issue i thought of today: WHERE could we have the wedding in my hometown where my dad hasn''t already had a wedding. He''s already done the good venues. Funny. But sad.

 

[Jas12]

Independent gal--i totally felt the same way about a wedding--i love the idea of having friends and family together but something about the fact this is about ''me'' made/makes me uncomfortable. FI and I have been together soooo long that the wedding is not about sealing commitment (we certainly have this already) but more about a special party and thus my main wish is that everyone is happy and has fun! I asked for tons of input at first with this goal in mind, only to find out this was a mistake! No one was rude or demanding, but opinions are opinions and there are millions of them--i just got stresssed, overwhelmed and panicy....i took a few months to think about what FI and I really wanted and then went full-steam ahead with our vision--ahhhh, it felt much better and although i still get people''s 2-cents, i know what i chose was for a reason, that i have good intentions....

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/19/2007 6:25:33 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think you ladies are right and asking for general input could be a mistake. In addition to the siblings, we''re managing RADICALLY different cultural and religious expectations, and parents who can''t speak each others'' language, etc. So, maybe we should just try to be thoughtful along the way but concentrate on keeping it simple in meeting peoples'' expectations.


Surfgirl: Eloping is genius! SO GENIUS! But FF won''t even consider it, and I have to say, if we could pull it off, when else in our lives will we have an excuse to throw a completely over-the-top spectacular party for our loved ones?


I''ve been thinking about this today, and I''m having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of a day that is OURS. I mean, how come I get my own day? What did I do to deserve that? My siblings have all had huge coming of age parties, but I never did, and I think I just find the idea of a party that''s all about me (oh, and FF of course!)... embarassing. And I''m terrified about inconveniencing people. Causing them expense, etc even though I know they''d be thrilled to come. Maybe that''s why I''m trying to make it about throwing a party for everyone else.


Another issue i thought of today: WHERE could we have the wedding in my hometown where my dad hasn''t already had a wedding. He''s already done the good venues. Funny. But sad.

Oh my goodness is that horrible...but so funny at the same time, you''re right.

Do you NEED to do it in your hometown? Or is there a fun destination you could do, or at least maybe a few towns away that your dad hasn''t already hit?

I also agree about not opening Pandora''s box!!! Make the day fun for you and everyone else will have fun too. And make sure you have a good seating plan.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes! A good seating plan! Luckily, between my hilarious siblings and our great pals, we'll have a lot going for us in the having fun department too. As long as we avoid any major stress, it shoudl be a good time. I'll try to concentrate on that.

As for destination wedding, this is easy, since we live in the US, but our three pairs of parents live in three separate countries and on two continents. So, maybe we'll just go have the wedding where my mom lives instead of in my hometown. Which is gorgeous. And they have a spectacular garden that would be big enough. Then I start to think 'Would mom find it weird to have dad at her HOME? Would my little brother find it weird to be at MY mom's house?' And then my dad has a psycho sister who will totally ruin everything and embarass my mother if she comes.

ARGH! Elope! Elope! Or just stop worrying about what others' will want?

Or just enjoy getting engaged first, and worry later.

 

[firebirdgold]

You''ve got enough family problems, you do not have to invite your aunts and uncles. Just say you need to keep it small for money reasons. How much do they talk to each other anyway? One of my cousins got married and my whole family didn''t find out about until afterwards!

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh Lordie! Would it EVER be great if I didn''t have to invite my Crazy Aunt! Hallelujah!

The thing is, while I have a bazillion siblings + bf/gf''s, I have only one, unmarried, childless (psychotic) aunt and no close cousins. And because she''s oh-so-alone in the world, we all try to make her feel like she has a family with us and invite her to stuff, despite her persistent inappropriateness and borderline insane behaviour.

I know, I know. That''s crazy!!! But she also does a lot to help my nearly-90 grammy (who means the world to me) and my grammy would be very upset if I didn''t invite Crazy Aunt. Like, hugely, very, extremely upset. Grammy knows she''s nuts and difficult, but thinks we should all try to be nice to her anyway.

Being nice is a good thing, after all. But oh, would I be happier if I didn''t have to invite CRAZY AUNT.

 

[Kit]

Boundaries, Indy Gal, boundaries! You should invite everyone you want to invite, and not invite people who you don't want to invite. And have the wedding that you two want. And frankly, f%&* everyone else!

I know this seems rather harsh, but we spend too much time catering to everyone else, walking on eggshells, and putting ourselves out. Life is too short. The people who care about you, and who are worth it, will understand and be there to cheer you on.

ETA: There are strategies that brides employ all the time to prevent people they dont' want to come to their wedding. Exhibit one: DW! Have it far enough away that only your A-listers will make the journey. Exhibit two: don't send out STDs and send out the invitations like 4 weeks before the wedding. Give the A-listers verbal or email std's and thell them to keep their mouths shut!