Sinking feeling in my stomach...

[Angela1977]

Not because of pending engagement or because of the boyfriend...I desperately want to move ahead in the relationship--completely sure that we''re supposed to be together and how much I love him.

Here''s our problem though...this is what has me upset, and I need some feedback/reassurance/kick in the pants (I''m open to anything you have to say!!):
We work together. He trained me in fact, and we''re partners. Technically, we''re not supposed to take the same day off, because we back each other up (though we can get the occasional time off at the same time). So for the past 5+ years, we''ve sat next to each other 40+ hours a week. We became best friends before we started dating, and we started dating almost 4 years ago (this upcoming April). We LOVE working together...we love spending this time together, and when (if) that changes, it''ll be so hard.

The kicker: No one here knows about us. Yes, they suspect. I''m sure there''s office gossip. It''s obvious listening to us that it''s not just friendly banter, though we don''t say anything romantic. We''ve run into the same woman out to dinner two Friday''s in a row...luckily we weren''t engaged in any sort of public display of affection, so the ruse is still good. We show up to every office function together, we talk about movies we''ve seen (and it''s fairly obvious that we same them together), I bring him back lunch everyday, he brings me breakfast. So people know, they just don''t KNOW...and no one has had the guts to ask us outright what''s going on. Funny thing is, we really ARE best friends...

So, we''ve got the diamond. He''s at home right now on his lunch break ordering the setting. The actual engagement is a suprise to me, but I can''t imagine that it''s going to be more than 6 months from now. So within the next six months, we''re going to have to tell our boss....then everyone else. On the one hand, I''ll be glad to not feel like I''m "sneaking around". I''m 28 years old...he''s 35...feels weird to have to hide it like we''re living at home and grounded. On the other hand, we don''t know what''s going to happen once it''s announced. We''re excited to see the reactions on people''s faces...it''s just going to be weird. I also think that people here think we''re just "friends with benefits," which really irks me...this way they''ll know that''s NOT the case (thought the "benefits" are great!) I''m a little scared to tell our boss...he''s a really "hands off" kind of guy...if it''s not going to effect him personally, then he tends to not care or even want to know what''s going on. This time he''s going to have to know. The only company policy about dating is with regard to nepotism, which we dont fall under as the boyfriend isn''t my boss. Other than that, they''re silent about it. We know we''ll probably have to do something with the job situation once we''re married, but that will be next year. We''re planning on moving out of state anyway, and getting new (better!) jobs. We''ve both hit the proverbial glass ceiling here...it''s been great experience and we make great money, but we can''t really go anywhere with it, and I refuse to be doing THIS for another 35 years. So it''s time to take the experience and run. We just don''t want to be FORCED to run...we want to leave amicably and when it works for us, but giving them plenty of time to plan on replacements, etc.

*sigh* I don''t know that I''m even asking anything...I just needed to get that out.
I would, though, appreciate any comments you all might have....

 

[akw94]

Angela, it sounds like you''re on the right path. I''d say tell people at work when you need to. No sense in initiating the topic until you must. Plus, since you''re not planning on being there for too much longer, even if you do get grief, you can start counting down the months until you go. I think the most important thing to remember is that you can''t control other people''s reactions. You may get some negative and some positive, some totally different than how you imagined. As long as it doesn''t impact your job, try not to worry about it. People will react how they want, some taking your feelings into consideration and others won''t. Do what works for you and then things will work themselves out. I think you are doing your part the best way you can and just hope that others there won''t give you a hard time.

 

[Angela1977]

Thanks Amy. I''m not really worried about what people will think. It''s just nerve wracking telling the boss after hiding it all this time. We actually think everyone here will be really happy for us. And it will be CLASSIC to see the looks on people''s faces...
I''m just scared the boss will make one of us quit or something...I''m probably worrying for nothing, but I can''t help it. I constantly have this feeling of sheer excitement with a lot of nervousness mixed in.

 

[lulutheleo]

I don''t know if this will help you or not, but my BF has good friends who work together that are dating. They are nurses on the same floor, they work practically the same shifts, and they hid their relationship for a long time too (over three years). They never told anyone that they were together, even all of our mutual friends. But, in reality, we all knew! It was their choice not to mention it to any of us, and we just let them be. However, when they moved in together, we started teasing them about it, just a little! There was also a couple at my former work place that dated for 5 years with only a select few people knowing that they were together. Although, once one person knew.. then 5 people knew... etc. Word gets out.

Anyways, the moral of my rambling is that your coworkers probably know, they are just (hopefully!) respecting your privacy and not talking about it until you guys are ready to talk.

 

[anchor31]

Maybe it''s because I''m still a student, but I''m not sure I understand why your nervous to tell your boss...? My first thought was: "What does he care?" But there might be a reason I haven''t understood.

In any case, good luck! What would I give to see the looks on your coworkers'' faces... You did a great job to keep this secret for so long!

 

[akw94]

Date: 3/16/2006 3:19:26 PM
Author: Angela1977
Thanks Amy. I''m not really worried about what people will think. It''s just nerve wracking telling the boss after hiding it all this time. We actually think everyone here will be really happy for us. And it will be CLASSIC to see the looks on people''s faces...
I''m just scared the boss will make one of us quit or something...I''m probably worrying for nothing, but I can''t help it. I constantly have this feeling of sheer excitement with a lot of nervousness mixed in.

Will you and your bf go in and talk to your boss together? That might help his reaction a bit. Your boss really can''t make you quit unless there was a policy, which you said there isn''t. Of course, there are certain types of jobs where they can fire you for any reason, but I wouldn''t worry about that unless it comes up. It doesn''t sound like you''re in that situation. Quite honestly, if you think your co-workers know, there''s a good chance the boss knows too. If he suspected anything and felt it was a problem, he may''ve already come to you. So you can take that as a good sign!

 

[Mara]

Lots of people meet in the workplace. They may not embrace it but they typically don't fire one or the other over it. Esp if you get engaged and it's not like you are having a fling with a married coworker or something. But even if you were, not sure they could do anything anyway, seems unlawful. Two of my coworkers were dating for 2 years then told the company in our meeting when they were moving in together (small company), everyone already knew they were dating, and now they are engaged. Everyone is thrilled. As long as you can be professional in the work environment, it shouldn't matter.

Anyway, I know alot of people who have met and then gotten engaged without anyone knowing before that, but people always DO know something is going on! Which is worse...to have people think you are just sex buddies than to be having a real relationship and get engaged?

And if one of you gets fired, who cares, find a new job and move on. Life will not end. I wouldn't want to work there anyway if that was the case. I wouldn't worry about this at all. Just enjoy it as it happens and be happy you found your mate!

 

[lulutheleo]

Here here! I totally second Mara. She said what I was trying to say, only much more eloquently!

 

[Angela1977]

I''m sure our boss already knows...it''s just kind of like the Army with him..."don''t ask, don''t tell".

I''m sure I''m nervous about nothing.
Amy, yes, we''re going to go into talk to our boss together...oh what a conversation that will be. I wouldn''t let him do it by himself...way too much pressure, and the burden is half mine. I just kind of needed to air my concerns...I know everything will work out, we''ll be fine, blah, blah, blah...but it still gives me butterfiles.

And we''re REALLY looking forward to sending out that email saying, "well, we know some of you have wondered and some might not care, but we''re engaged!" Straight from not knowing for sure to engaged...it will be quite the spectacle.

 

[akw94]

Or you can just walk around the office one day w/your new, shiny ring on. Someone is bound to notice! That''ll lead to lots of questions.

 

[sumbride]

Honestly, I bet everyone is going to be really happy for you! They may be shocked that you managed to "hide" it for so long, but I can''t see anything but positives about your situation! Treat it as a reason to celebrate and they will too... there''s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed or worried about here!

And if they don''t have an official policy against married employees, they can''t fire you. I do actually know of a company that does have that policy but it''s more for income preservation purposes than anything else. If you''re planning to leave anyway, that''s great, but you may want to keep it to yourself until time to go! If it''s been working for you two for so long, don''t worry about it!

And WAY TO GO! I love stories like this!!! Now, if only Jim and Pam could get together...

 

[cinnabar]

I can relate to your nervousness in telling your boss.

When I got engaged, I didn''t want my boss to know; I was dating someone who lived in another country, so it was obvious that if we were seriously talking about marriage, then I was going to leave the job and emigrate. I didn''t want the boss to find some excuse to fire me or just make my life hell for the the last few months, so I kept it secret (other staff knew, but supported my secrecy).

When I was finally able to announce the wedding date and hand in my resignation, the boss gave me a genuine smile and said she knew it was going to happen. I was surprised how well she took it, and was sorry I''d spent so long fretting about it. I didn''t like the secrecy at all.

I''m guessing your situation is somewhat similar, and everyone knows that an engagement/wedding is inevitable. If no one has said that would be bad for your jobs, then all should be fine for you when you "come out".

 

[sunkist]

Why do you have to keep "hiding" it? It seems pretty obvious that everyone knows you''re together in some way. From now until you get engaged, when a time comes up in conversation why not make casual references about the two of you that elude to your dating one another? Then it won''t be such a "shock" when you announce your engagement. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with your relationship or that you should feel like you have to hide it. Anyways, it seems that you''re handling the situation fine!